Iron Man: Recaps, Discussions and Rants (Oh My!)

Invincible Iron Man Issue #23

2010-02-07T22:46:00.001-06:00

Last time in Tony Stark's Ca Ca Coma Face, Ca Ca Coma Face: Tony's brilliant plan of electrocute me and I'll totally wake up... didn't really work that way. So he's still lying there, can't read my, can't read my, you can't read my coma face... With the Ghost on their trail, Maria, Pepper and that old doctor guy and the biddy from the hotel took to ground. And Cap brought in the big guns: Magic Tony! I mean, Dr. Strange!

Invincible Iron Man #23: Ghosts in the Machine

Tatooine

Tony and Strange are inside the run down shack in his brain. Tony is sitting on the floor still awestruck by the vision of Strange standing over him. Strange is all glowy and Strange like with his flowing cape.

Tony: "That the hell's the Iron Man?"

Strange: "Interesting affection. You said "the." Not "an" or "Iron Man"--you called it "The Iron Man." Where I come from You're the only one that does that."

Tony: "Where you come from." Where do you come from? Where are we and how did you get here? What the hell is going on?"

Strange: "My name is Stephen Strange and I'm here to help you."

Two problems with this. One, you introduced yourself in the last issue you ass, and two... he didn't ask who you are he asked how you got there, where they are and what the hell is going on. Way to make this all about you, Strange. You f--

Strange: "Your name is Tony Stark and you've suffered a profound and traumatic brain injury." That's putting it mildly. "This place--this life you perceive yourself living--these are ghost dreams, my friend. The last phantom bits of information left inside of you. You are Iron Man. Iron Man is you. And we need you back and I'm here to help that process along. Say it. Try the thought on for size."

Tony: "I am Iron Man."

They're sitting on the floor, Tony looks pouty and lost. Strange looks like his angry twin brother. The sad thing is the only reason I know the difference is that Strange has a glow around him and he's wearing a cape. That's just... yeah that's...

Anyway, after Tony says "I am Iron Man" the chest plate starts to glow in the middle. Tony says it again and then Strange does some magic and papers fly around. Tony continues to say that he's Iron Man and Strange tells him to keep doing it and concentrate. Tony stands with a yell and the repulsor in his chest glows as two more appear in his palms. And his clothes become gold. Haha, get it? The Golden Avenger. Nicely played. When that's over, Tony touches the repulsor in his chest sort of looking like a gay man who likes his outfit...

Tony: "What was that? Was that magic?"

Strange: "No. I told you: this is all in your head and none of it is actually happening."

Tony: "How can--really? Because it feels real. Howard and Maria, the terror, the pain--if it's not really happening why should I care? If it's not real why am I afraid?"

Strange basically tells Tony that if he believes these things that is what makes them real. If he believes it hard enough then that is why he feels pain, if he believes he die then he will. He asks Tony why he believes himself to be here and then tells him that they're going to solve it. Because if Tony Stark can't fix himself, Doctor Strange sure can.

Broxton

Maria, Pepper, the Doctor and that old bitch stand there watching Strange and Tony. Maria wonders what they should do now and then the doctor and the hotel lady excuse themselves to go back to the hotel, where they will engage in disgusting old people sex. I mean, he offers to escort her back and he's not getting any younger. He can prescribe himself Viagara. And well, she might not be a looker but maybe he's a chubby chaser. Hill warns them to be careful because something is brewing.

Pepper doesn't like the sound of that and asks her what she means. Maria tells her not to worry about it. The two of them idly chat, Maria looks board by Pepper discussing that she misses the arc reactor already, how it made her stronger and smarter and better. How she realized that was how Tony must of felt all the time... and then she spills the goods. The meat of the conversation... and the resounding screams of everyone who hates the idea of Pepper/Tony spreads throughout nerdom. Yours truly included.

Pepper: "It's funny--how it all worked--I was finally the alleged smart one and we still slept together."

Maria: "You what?"

Fuck you, Matt Fraction. I trusted you. I defended you that you wouldn't have Pepper sleep with Tony. I thought you knew better. You like Pepper, you know she's smart enough to not sleep with Tony even without the arc reactor, you know that she can do better, that she knows she can do better and this? This is how you repay me? And... and I was so happy you got your Eisner. You wound me...

Pepper: "I know. I know. Of all people I should know better. But-- but we were on the run. We were in Russia and it--" What? It was cold? "You should've seen him--so helpless, and guileless, and--"

Maria: "Potts, I'm not screwing around here--you and Tony--you--"

Pepper: "Maria, I--yes okay? Tony and I--why do you--"

Maria: "I--we--before it all started at the Funtime Inc. hide out of his--that creepy place this whole insane thing off his kicked off. Before he ran, we--we..."

The two of them exchange a glance knowing exactly how Maria is going to end that thought. They look at Tony and each panel shows the progression of their thought. First they stare at Tony, then Maria looks at Pepper, Pepper looks at Maria and they both look back at Tony. Pepper puts her hand to her head, Maria her hands to her hips. They are not pleased. That's okay, ladies. Tony leaves a trail of broken hearts and empty beds in every arc. He slept with Rhodey, Henry, and even Namor too...

Maria: "Tony Stark. Tony @%&$@# Stark."

Maybe Tony shouldn't wake up... because these two are going to fuck him up...

Tosche Station

Tony is moving to sit down with Strange again, who is cool as a cucumber and pouring tea from a... a mug that appeared from no where. Oh Strange and your magics, even in Tony's head you're doing that crap.

Tony: "Hm. I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

Strange: "You really are, yes. And I have no idea how to get you out other than to help keep you moving forward."

Tony looks at him skeptically and basically lays out what's been happening since the beginning of this arc. The digging, the flashes of memory the stop, repeat and move on. How he feels like when he does something wrong it starts over but if he does something right it doesn't skip or repeat. How he found oranges and teeth and then they get erased and now the RoboCops are after him.

Tony: "They're looking for me. They took Howard and Maria away. They knew the Sentries knew. They took them to the Bureaucrat."

Strange: "The Bureaucrat. Tell me about the Bureaucrat."

Tony: "All of this might be in my head, okay, but the Bureaucrat--the Bureaucrat is real. Everyone here works for him. We dig this stuff up and who knows what he does with it but if you don't then you die. And you can say this is all in my head but, but, but--"

Okay so here's my theory on the bureaucrat. It's either a psychological manifestation of the danger presented by Norman Osborn as Tony was on the run from him during the previous arc, deleting his brain and all it's contents. The RoboCops there by being his tech used against him by Osborn. Or, it's Tony's own subconscious fear of returning to life preventing him from doing so in the guise of a threat he has yet to meet... being a super-hero and a former corporate rockstar, a villain with political power would be a logical explanation for Tony to use as a barricade between his mind and the world.

Strange: "Stark, listen to me. A second ago I had a cup of tea. Saucer and all. Where did it go? Where did the chest plate go? Why does this room lok like it's going to blow apart? You're a man suffering profound brain trauma. These... bits... of information... you're struggling to weave a logical narrative out of chaos. There's some thought you need to have, some... threshold, deep within you, that you feel you need to cross so you can move on."

Wait... I'm confused... did Tony suffer brain trauma? Thanks for being repetitive.

Tony asks how the hell he can be afraid of something in his own head. Strange condescends to Tony about how he's talking to him like he's still the smartest man in the world, and not the bumbling retard he is now (Sorry, Sarah Palin but I'm using that word and you can't ask me to resign from shit. Have fun reading speeches off your hand...). That was nice of you, Strange.

He rambles on about how Howard and Maria probably know what he would do or how to help because they're good people and they were kind to him. They wouldn't have been if he was someone to fear. Strange suggests they go find them then and rescue them from the Bureaucrat. Then some more magic happens and strange is floating and Tony is watching him fly through a hole in the roof. He's afraid of the things inside him which... I think might be the repulsor tech.

Back at the hotel, the old people are having some after sex tea and that's gross. Ghost laments his failure to kill Stark to Madam Masque via the Ghost phone. They took off and he can't find them. It's not Whitney's problem (even though her problems are everyone else's). Ghost thinks it's most definitely her problem since she hired him and Osborn is going to be pissed that he fucked this noise. Masque is so over it, and tells him she's cutting him loose. He threatens to come through the phone and stab her eyes out to which she replies by hanging up the phone. Ghost is not pleased. He goes in search of the heroes and by "thinking like a bumpkin" he finds the storm shelter. Bingo.

Old Doctor is walking down the stairs to where Pepper, Maria, Tony and Strange are. He's whistling which means... ew gross. Ew ew ew. He stops whistling when he notices the tension in the room. Maria looks mad. Pepper looks mad. Everything looks... not good.

Doctor Guy: "Is everything--"

Pepper and Maria: "We're Fine."

Pepper then wheels herself to the ladies room. He asks if she needs help and she says no. He's surprised that this girls are so angry all of sudden and wonders what he missed. Dude, you should be so glad your name is not Anthony Edward Stark right now.

Doctor Guy: "What did--"

Maria: "Don't worry about it. We're alllll fine. We're big girls. We can take care of ourselves."

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Pepper chides herself for being a mess and then gets surprised by the Ghost coming out of the mirror. She screams and he punches her into the stalls and is gone before Maria and Doctor get there to rescue her. She's bleeding and doesn't like it, from the back of her had and her face. She might be concussed but she also tells Maria she thinks she's seen a Ghost. Heh. Maria goes to get to Tony, and the Doctor guy wonders about where Cap and Widow are... but it's just them, alone to fight the bad guy.

Okay, so this whole arc has been about Tony's closest friends and allies coming together to help him. I have one question, Matt Fraction. Where the fuck is Henry Hellrung when you need him? He'd fit in perfectly and you have no excuse since you created him and no one else is using him. He'd come in here all sweet and unassuming, watch over Tony and Strange... protect Pepper and Maria and the old people having sex with the powers of Thor... and he wouldn't run off like everyone else did to do that little Siege thing Bendis is writing. Come on, Matt! This is a golden opportunity to use a great character you've created! And! And! You could finally hook him up with Pepper... and stop all this Tony/Pepper business.

Spent.

Meanwhile, in the main room:

Rhodey: "Stark. I never wanted you more dead than I want you right now. But--ooph--I'm sure you'd have a contingency plan for that, too. Dust off the old "Rhodey finally had enough of my crap and popped me twice in the back of the head" files. God. All these years and you still couldn't make the stupid thing any lighter."

James Rhodes, how I love you so. He comes into the room with his cart full of the remains of Iron Potts. RIP Iron Potts, I will remember you fondly. He goes over and sits beside Tony, I think he's the one that finally closes his eyes because they were open but now are closed. He puts his hand on Tony's forehead and I'm not going to lie... this part choked me up. It was "Who's Happy?" all over again. Poor Rhodey, you put up with so much crap from Tony and all you got for it was... well a cool armor and a neat clone body...

Rhodey: "You still in there, boss man? We need you back here on planet Earth. We really do. We can work the rest out later. we can put it all back together again. Just come back."

It is at this point he realizes... there's blood on Tony's forehead. And it's also on his hand. Oh fuck fuck, the Ghost just shot him in the back! GHOST YOU ASSHOLE HE JUST GOT THAT BODY! NOOOOOOOOOO! ALL THAT HARD WORK TO RESCUE HIM FROM CYBORGNESS AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS? Poor Rhodey. You really do get screwed when Tony's around you... and not in a positive life affirming way.

Alas, Rhodey is down and Ghost moves in, smearing the blood across Tony's forehead.

Ghost: "Stark. Long time no see."

Pit of Carcoon

Tony stands in the doorway of the shack, staring out at nothingness. Strange stands behind him trying to get him to get his shit together so they can get the fuck out.

Strange: "Time is running out, Tony. We have to go."

Tony: "I'm scared. I--I can't stop sweating. You're sure I'm supposed to be a super hero? What kind of super hero can't keep his face dry?"

It's an Italian thing Tony, sorry. We all suffer that. Hairy and sweaty.

Strange: "I never said you were supposed to be anything."

Tony: "Man, why are you here? You're no use to me at all."

There's the Tony Stark we know. Snark at the guy trying to help you, especially when he's magic. There's hope for you yet man!

Strange: "I'm here to get you out of this door. I'm here to get you back into the real world. However you choose to get there."

Tony: "And leave all this? Look at this view. Things stopped repeating. Did you notice that? The... resetting... that was happening. I don't know if that's good or that's bad."

All that's left now in Tony's barren wasteland is the shack and nothingness. And he and Strange gaze out at the brightness of nothing while Tony gets his peptalk to continue on to rescue Howard and Maria. And get out of here so he can regain his normal life.

Strange: "You don't... your mind, Tony. It's going. I'd be surprised if you had the... capacity... for that level of torturous imagination at this point."

He does some magic but I have no idea what he's doing or why he's doing magic for no reason right now.

Tony: "Oh yeah? Am I torturously imagining that?"

Strange looks on and sort of stands behind Tony as the huge RoboCop thing appears the one that had erased them a few times. Nice, Strange. Hide behind the mildly retarded guy. It looms in on them and Stark and Strange get down to the nitty gritty of their snarky relationship and for a moment I forgot that Tony has no idea who they are or what's really going on anymore.

Tony: "That thing's going to kill us."

Strange: "Well, you. If you believe it is. It very well could."

Tony: "Could?"

Strange: "Will."

Tony: "Because I think it will."

Strange: "Yes."

Tony: "You don't sound worried."

Strange: "I'm not really here."

Tony: "Lucky you."

Strange: "Don't you feel awful."

Tony: "That you're not going to die? Not especially."

Strange: "No--I meant, being afraid."

Tony: "Yes."

Strange: "If you're about to die--is this how you want to feel?"

Tony: "No. I hate this."

Strange: "Then fight back. Live your life how you want to live it."

Tony rears back and then he fires a unibeam from his chest straight at the giant RoboCop, obliterating it as Strange covers himself so he doesn't also get owned by Tony going all Iron Man heart on the thing. After, Tony looks down at his smoking chest and there's a moment of stuttering before he says the final line of the issue with new determination. I am pleased.

Tony: "I am Iron Man... what now?"

To be concluded....

Invincible Iron Man Issue #22

2010-02-06T22:26:00.001-06:00

Previously in Tony Stark Has an Epic Nap: Cap, Rhodey, Thor and the Scooby gang tried to... electrocute Tony back to life. Madame Masque showed Ghost the best entrance into where Tony's laying in his coma so he could shiv him. Pepper had second thoughts about being Tony's bitch, but unsurprisingly went through with letting him harvest her her for parts. Well then.

Invincible Iron Man #22: Is It Safe?

So that title makes me think of Clerks the cartoon, but whatever.

We open this months issue with a flatline of a heart monitor. Then there's a panel of Tony's face with his giant fish lips and his uneven jaw that Larroca still can't make consistent even 2 years into drawing the guy.

Voice: "...Stark? Tony?"

The next panel is a small blip in the flatline followed by the next that have Doctor whose name I don't remember, both Caps, Rhodey, Maria and Don with a stethoscope all looking down at Tony lying there.

Maria: "Did you kill him?"

Don: "Shut up, Hill."

Maria: "Is he dead?"

Don: "Shut up."

Let's play a fun game. Who on this roof hasn't slept with Tony.... by my count, one person and that's the Doctor whose name I don't know. We saw him bang Maria, we know he banged Natasha (who was previously on the roof but appears not to be now). I'm pretty sure he's banged Rhodey considering the amount of times he's been nearly naked in front of the man... or hell even naked. He's hit Cap once or twice, and then of course there's my insane belief in Bucky/Tony hate sex where he made Bucky dress up like Steve. I'm pretty sure I read that in fanfiction too. And well, let's face it... he had a crazy awkward and likely impossible threeway with Don and Thor... he's always had a bone for Thor.

Anyway, so the panel following Don and Maria's banter, is another line indicating that Tony Stark is not dead and does have a heartbeat.

Don stands over Tony checking his pulse and looking at his watch. Tony is not moving, not awake which well... wasn't the desired result right?

Don: "We didn't kill him. But--"

Rhodey: "'But," what?"

Don: "Well, look at him, Rhodes."

I can't tell if this is Don or Rhodey. I think It's Don: "We did everything right. According to JARVIS he should be conscious. But... but it didn't work."

CAPTAIN AMERICA puts his hand on Don's shoulder as Don looks disappointed and frustrated at the apparent failure to bring back Tony. He proceeds to say the most Cap like thing EVER and I squealed a bit at how Fraction nailed this.

Steve: "We'll figure it out, Doctor Blake. None of us are quite up to Tony Stark's speed--even when he's comatose. It's getting pretty ugly out here. Let's get him in."

Meanwhile, at the Most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

Tony is laying in the similar position to the real world. In the back ground the same Stark, Tony Stark? question is being raised. Tony wakes abruptly and gasping as he sits up. He leans against the wall visibly pained.

Howard: "No, we haven't seen Tony Stark. Maria? We haven't seen Tony Stark have we?"

Tony: "--the hell is... like every time I close my eyes I open them up somewhere different..."

Tony ganders at the arc reactor in his chest for a bit before crawling down into a hole in the floor and covering himself with a piece of wood. An awesome trap door that conveniently is in Howard and Maria's rundown shack home in the wasteland brain. That's... well whatever.

Howard: "I don't think I'd recognize him even if I did see him."

Maria: "Yeah, so..."

Howard: "... I could stumble right over the guy an wouldn't even know."

The elder Stark is conversing with the weird red and gold robot baddies that speak only in periods. They seem sort of satisfied at the moment with that, and they leave Howard and Maria to their evening. It's now more of a purple and blue hue in the wasteland so I assume it's night time. Or Tony's just having weird color schemes all over his brain.

RoboCop 1: "............... .............. ..........."

RoboCop 2: "........ ....... ......."

Yeah, what they said!

Howard: "Yeah, of course. If we hear anything of course we'll alert the authorities."

After shutting the door, he leans against the wall looking relieved. So if they know they're Howard and Maria Stark, why haven't they pieced together that Tony Stark is probably related to them and judging by his resemblance to them... probably their son. Maybe. Who knows. I'm really confused by this whole mess.

Howard: "was "stumble right over the guy" too cute?"

Maria: "Don't even fool around with them, Howard. It's bad enough without you showing off."

Howard: "Yeah, I know. I know..."

Tony: "Is it safe?"

Howard and Maria help him out of his convenient hiding hole.

Maria: "No, it isn't safe at all. It's very dangerous."

Tony: "Maria--you two really don't need to hide me--let me turn myself in--"

That's a genius idea Tony, let's turn yourself in to the RoboCops because that can't possibly end badly. Just like deleting your brain can't end badly and Skrulls can't end badly and Civil Wars can't end badly. Go for that idea, let me know how it works out for you.

Thankfully, Maria is on the same page as I am. This is a thought from the School of Bone Head Plans and she is not having it.

Maria: "Don't even joke--"

Tony: "How many sweeps have there been? How many--"

Howard: "Tony?"

Maria: "What's that?"

Tony has now shown off his glowing chest where the arc reactor now registers as a part of him. You know, since they did it in the real world it shows up in his crazy brain wasteland. And he has no idea what the hell is going on anymore. Don't worry Tones, we're with you on that one.

Tony: "No clue. When I think about it, it glows. Could this be what they want?"

Howard: "You and our Iron friend here have holes in your chest."

Maria: "Maybe there's a connection between you three somehow."

Tony then peaks out the window at the RoboCops that are still sweeping the street.

Tony: "Yeah, I bet you're right. It's always a connection you never really see..."

Pepper wakes up from her surgery and immediately asks for Tony. To her disappointment, Tony is not there... but the other two Angels are. They rush to her side to keep her from sitting up because... we'll let's face it, they just sewed up a giant hole in her chest. That's going to fuck a person up. She sort of looks like a dude when she's laying down... dammit Larroca.

Pepper: "Is he--oooph--where is--"

Maria: "Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Pepper Potts. Your heart might actually literally leap out of your chest."

Natasha: "Lie back, Pepper. Take it easy. I'll go get the doc--"

Maria: "Great. Potts. Calm down.

Pepper: "But Tony--is he--is he dead or alive or--"

Maria sits by Pepper and tries to calm her down and keep her from getting out of bed and exploding, because it's very likely that she could. She looks grim when she relays to Pepper that it didn't work but he's still alive. And that she's going to be fine as long as she stays put. Pepper then asks why it didn't work and how Tony Stark could possibly be wrong. No one knows, according to Maria but she tells Pepper that she should have seen the crazy shit on the roof because they're lucky he didn't get set on fire.

Pepper: "I don't--Maria, I don't understand what did we do? What do we do next?"

Maria: "Cap left. Said something about another Doctor, some sort of consultation, I don't know. Maybe someone can try to get Reed Richards or one of those guys..."

Pepper: "That's not right. That doesn't make sense. How could Tony... how could we go through all of this to get it wrong?"

Maria: "I don't know if you know this about us but we're pretty great at blowing it lately. Need a cup of coffee. I'll bring you some ice chips, Potts. Sit tight."

I am with Pepper on this one. All that fanfare and fireworks met with nothing. Tony had this crazy scheme to bring him back... get together all these people and then electrocute the fuck out of him only to be met with the resounding sound of crickets chirping as nothing happens. Nicely played.

The old Sooner coot is watching reruns of Quimby in her room as Maria walks by, leaving ample opportunity for Ghost to appear and scare the shit out of her while telling her that she's under arrest for hiding a known fugitive. So they're going to interrogate and torture her. Awesome. It's not nice to mess with fat simpletons.

Maria busts in after hearing Sooner scream and tells him to freeze. He says boo. She says die. And he says some day and disappears. Maria tells the woman to get her fat ass up because they have to bounce or they all die. Or at least that's the words she would have used if I wrote the Invincible Iron Man. Instead, she said to "get out of bed and run with me or I can't guarantee your life." I like my wording better.

Down the hall Pepper is forcing herself out of bed to get over and sit with Tony. It's touching because... wait... HIS FUCKING EYES ARE OPEN AGAIN! WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?!

Maria comes blasting down the hall telling her they've been compromised and they need to run.

Mos Eisely

Tony is looking at the chest plate of the armor and Howard and Maria watch him. Howard looks a little sad, Maria looks worried as she clings to her husband. This is probably a defining moment. They know they won't be able to hide Tony for long, because well... they're in Tony's brain and eventually the RoboCops will find him. It's just logical sense.

Tony: "I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? What does this all mean? I mean... I'm pretty sure this... is connected to that."

Maria: "Why don't you try to put it on?"

Tony: "What are you nuts? It almost killed me the first time. It hurts. Wearing the damn thing hurts."

Maria: "First time? What are you--"

Howard: "Dammit--"

Here come the RoboCops. I wish I spoke 'Period' so that I could also know what they are saying also. But I don't and I am disappoint. They proceed to hide Tony under the floorboards again, Tony warning them not to do anything stupid. Howard tells him it's too late before the RoboCops bust through the door and grab both elder Starks by the neck. They are dragged from the place kicking and fighting as Howard tells Maria to never stop fighting and Tony is left alone... terrified and staring at his glowy glowy chest. It's pretty....

In the most exciting place in the world, Broxton OK:

Inside a new building that looks mostly abandoned Doctor what's his ass, the fat chick from the hotel and Maria carry Tony's comatose body in a sheet down a flight of stairs, with Pepper trailing behind them in a wheelchair. If this isn't the saddest bunch of people I have ever seen. Two geezers, one of them intensely overweight, a woman losing her mind and another who has just been harvested for parts. That's awesome. Tony's in good hands...

On the way down, Maria hassles the old Lady about going faster, the doctor tells her to ease up off her and Maria says she can't protect them from assassin's in a stairwell. I think that's a reasonable argument. While Maria helps Pepper down the stairs, the doctor gets all Quincy on the old lady and they have a moment where you're pretty sure this old woman is crushing on him now. Gross. Old people love.

Maria tenderly picks up Pepper and this conversation ensues:

Pepper: "This is bad, right?"

Maria: "Yeah."

Pepper: "I mean this is worse than hiding out in a Madam Masque mask and escaping Avengers Tower somehow."

Maria: "Yeah."

Pepper: "Oh boy."

They get her down the stairs with her wheelchair and Tony's set up on the bed with his monitors, still in his vegetable medley. Wait... wait... bed? A minute ago they were carrying him in a sheet with monitors and they had him lying on the floor. Now he's on a full table? What was this? A magic table that can fold into a suitcase and then magically fold out into a full out bed? I disagree! Where the hell did that come from? Bad form! Oh and putting it right at the end of the stairwell? That's a really stupid idea because when Ghost inevitably finds you, well that'll be a quick kill... it'll be all...

"Gee where's Ton--oh right here IN FRONT OF MY DAMN FACE."

WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM.

Tony Stark is dead. You people are so dumb...

Sigh...

Anyway, so they start talking again...

Maria: "Well. Not to be... alarming... but I kinda gotta go. Aside from the guy-trying-to-kill-us-all thing, there's. There're a couple things I need to go take care of. Don't worry about it. Stay here. Stay safe. Hide out."

Thanks Maria, you're awesome. Let's just leave Pepper all harvested, Tony all steamed veggies in the capable hands of those two old people who are moments away from disgusting old people sex... that's a way to be.

Pepper: "But you can't leave us." You stupid bitch. Ahem. "You--Rhodey is gone, Bucky and Nat are gone--Cap left--Maria, who is going to watch out for us?"

And as if on cue, a Hey from above them signals the entrance of... don da da don!

CAPTAIN AMERICA, ORIGINAL FLAVOR!

At the top of the stairs stands Cap and... wait... TONY?! What the hell are you doing there in a suit and badass duster when you've been lying in a coma for the past two issues. Was this all just a secret plot like that time you faked your death but were really cryogenically frozen and Rhodey got really mad at... wait... wait no that's not Tony. It's his dignified magical twin brother, Doctor Stephen Strange!

*applause*

Cap: "Aren't you the woman that blasted out of Avengers Tower as it was occupied by thousands of HAMMER agents? You could protect us. Don't you think?"

Maria: "Sir! We've been compromised. An assassin. So we--"

Cap: "--Left a trail a mile wide and a mile tall, at ease, Hill. It's okay. Whoever's after you isn't military or they'd have found you as easy as we did."

Doctor Guy: "You're Cap's special consultant, are you?"

He and Strange shake hands and it's very clear Strange is suffering this fool gladly. He's magics, and awesome. Don't fuck with him with your old people sex. He knows what you're up to, and he does not approve.

Strange: "My name is Doctor Stephen Strange. I cam a medical doctor and have extensive training in...alternative medicines."

Doctor guy: "Alternative to what?"

Stephen is all, silly mortal, but no... he should say that though because you know he's thinking it.

Strange: "Alternative to dying on the floor of a middle school basement."

Doctor Guy: "Just the man we need."

Strange: "Persistent vegetative state? Tell me about the surgeries."

Doctor guy tells him about the implant and then the plan he had to wake himself. It didn't work and nothing changed even though the harddrive is working. Strange implies magic might be needed by saying another surgery won't do and the old motel lady is all like, what what what? And asks him what to do. Strange smirks and replies to her:

We're going to need candles. Chalk, salt and candles.

They set up a crazy magic area with Tony and Strange in the middle of chalk lines and colors and candles. He assures them that this isn't a ceremony but a procedure of the medical kind and that he needs protection once he goes all into Tony's brain. But he'll come back with Tony. And Pepper is all what makes you so sure....

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

That you are, Strange.

Magic, colors, Strange in is wicked awesome butt-hugging tights, his wicked cool cape and a tree for some reason... a port hole opens and he lands unceremoniously with a dammit on the floor in Tony's shack. He dusts himself off and stands proudly, Tony still hidden in the floor boards, terrified as all get out. Strange opens them up and offers Tony his hand...

Strange: "Tony Stark. Do you remember me? I'm Dr. Stephen Strange. I've come to show you the way out of this hole you're in. The world needs it's Iron Man."

Tony sits there awestruck and clinging tot he armor chest piece...

To be continued....

Invincible Iron Man Issue #21

2009-12-15T12:37:00.003-06:00

When we last left Tony Stark: HO HO HO GREEN GIANT (Because he's a vegetable... get it?)... Tony's tripping in his wasteland brain. He also left a detailed message about how he can be revived. Pepper wasn't happy about it because Tony gets all the breaks at her expense. Maria, Natasha, Bucky and Don decided to give this reboot a shot. While Norman "called off" the hit on Stark, and Whitney hired Ghost to finish it. Well then...

Invincible Iron Man #21: Digging in the Dirt.

I need a witty name for Tony's brain wasteland since it's clear we're going to be here for awhile. Hmm.. let's see how about... Russia. No... no too obvious. How about... Tatooine. Yeah! I like it!

On Tatooine:

Tony's continuing to dig for that Iron Man chest piece from the last issue. Maria and Howard just stand there and watch him like the nutbar they think he is. He asks them to help him dig, because well, he just wants to break the routine.

Tony: "Faster! Come on, we've done this before--"

Howard: "Tony, we don't seem to know what you're talking about--"

Maria: "What have we done and when did we do it? And why?"

Your parents are clueless man. They're not playing with the same deck of cards you are.

Tony: "These things, this--this, life, this thing--we're in this thing again and again and again. It keeps happening and starting over. We dig or we die."

So Maria and Howard get in and start helping because that's a pretty convincing argument. I mean, I can imagine Tony's frustrated being stuck in the movie Groundhog Day without the mildly redeeming quality of Bill Murray. Especially when the repetitiveness only includes digging. As much as I'd love a giant sandbox in my brain, it would only entertain for so long... and since Tony has a pretty short attention span...

They're digging and they're pulling it out as the things start to come back.

Maria: "We can take it to the huts and hide there!"

Tony: "What huts--? See, that's--heff--that's different. The huts are new..."

They're joined by some of the other random people in his brain who are yet to be explained as people we know or not to help him carry the armor chest piece.

Tony: "Careful--it's so heavy only I can lift it."

See that? For those playing the home game, thats what we call subtle. Tony's statement that only he can lift that chest piece is implying that only Tony can carry the burden of Iron Man. Right? Right? Oh I like that, nicely done Fraction.

Howard: "That kind of thinking is what gets you killed every time. Weight is weight and heavy is heavy no matter who carries it."

But realistic weight limits aren't any fun.

Tony: "Whatever you say, Howard. Whatever you say..."

New York Shitty--er--City:

Masque and Ghost are discussing her relationship with Norman and how it's complicated.

Is she sleeping with Norman too? Jesus, you get around CrazyLady. I wonder if Menace knows that. I would love to see Madam Masque vs Menace in the ultimate showdown to see who gets rights to fuck the crazy guy who could care less about either of you. I mean if they are... bumping uglies... he's using her just like he's using Lily Hollister for the Goblin baby she's carrying... but who knows.

Anyway, Ghost is like whatever I'm supposed to be in the cube, so let's not discuss this and then she starts talking about her relationship with Tony being more complicated. Ghost asks her if the Hood knows that and if he knows about their chat. Whitney has this weird break down as if the Ghost gives a crap about her because she didn't know he knew and he's all, I really don't give a shit let's get down to brass tacks.

So Whitney lays it out: Tony's in a vegetative state. He's under the care of Don Blake in Oklahoma. He's the only doctor for eighty miles. Ghost is all... so... this means nothing to me an Tony could buy sloan-kettering for a head cold (LOL). Whitney informs him that Asgard is there and he's actually being protected by Thor. So the plot thickens, thinks Ghost. It's also assumed that his pals are there also, but Ghost has doubts. He can't get into towns as easily as he can through rooms and buildings. So she gets a magic device to get him in through phone lines. Follow bursts of power and you'll find Tony.

Ghost is in and a hit is placed.

Broxton, OK:

Pepper sits in the lobby writing a letter to Tony. She's teary and trying to get it all out. I'm going to say this: yell, get mad, hate me... but I think Pepper is justified in her anger against Tony. For so so long she has just put up with his crap and it's cost her everything. She has every right to be upset that he just gets it all back because she doesn't get things back when they go wrong. And it's explained in this letter...

Pepper's Letter:

"Dear Tony....

I keep trying to get these thought out of my head an onto paper but (scratched out) it's too hard. I could never say these things out loud. Too (scratched out) I'm throwing a tantrum and I know it. Of course I'll do whatever you (scratched out) ask to (scratched out) help bring you back. Because thats what I do/have always done for you, right? You ask and I come running. And I know this is all (scratched out) so much bigger than me or you and me. But dammit Tony, When s it m time? When do I get to stop living to support your life and start living my own?"

(Remember the kids Happy and I had that were neglected in to retcon non-existence?)

"When does heaven and earth move to help me or to bring my dead husband back (scratched out) from the dead? Or the flaming wreckage that was my life? When do man and god alike work to alleviate my pain for once? When is it the movie about me and not Tony (scratched out, I bet it said fucking) Stark? I want a sign, I want some sort of sign that things will get.."

Pepper is interrupted by:

"Yo, Potts."

She turns to see Rhodey (who is no longer a cyborg) and CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA STEVE ROGERS OMG SQUEE!

Ahem.

And that Doctor guy whose name I still don't remember, but he saved her life in Five Nightmares and was hanging out in a van with her in Worlds Most Wanted.

Rhodey: "Look who we found."

Steve: "Ms Potts, it's been a while..."

Pepper: "Whoa--"

Ms. Pepper Potts, your sign has been received. You're welcome, Love Jesus.

Pepper: "Steve--oh thank God--"

Pepper gives Steve a great big hug and he returns the hug because this is an adorable tender moment and I seriously teared up. As a friend of mine said, she looked at this frame and literally thought Steve's here now, it's going to be okay. And I agree. Steve will fix this because he's Captain America, and Bucky will help because he is also Captain America.

Rhodey: "What, we get nothing? The dead guy gets a hug but me the doc who brought him here get nothing?"

Pepper: "Oh do shut up--"

Doctor: "Lt. Colonel Rhodes, Don't begrudge the poor woman her reunion hug."

She hugs Rhodey too so he'll shut up and for about five seconds everything seems alright. And then we have to remember that Tony's retarded upstairs.

Pepper: "I don't understand. Why are--not that this isn't an amazing--why are you all here?"

Steve: "Because Iron Man is in trouble. And we're all going to bring him back." So I can put him right back into his coma when I beat him with my shield for being such a big douchebag for the past year or so...no? Okay, maybe he didn't say that last part.

Pepper pauses like, oh right this isn't about me... "Of course. Yes, sir. Room 26, upstairs."

They start going upstairs and she stops to go back and get her letter, crumpling it up in her hand.

Hello Make Shift Surgical Theater!

Tony's got another message from the boobs of the Iron Potts, and you know he planned that too strategically. Like he giggled to himself in the middle of the night while making the Iron Potts and putting in the message "haha they're going to talk to her boobs..."

Tony: "What's up, Doc? If you're hearing this, Rhodey escorted you to where I've been hidden and we're ready to start surgical prep. As you're the man that saved Pepper's life by putting all this crazy Iron Man stuff in her, now you'll save mine by taking it back out. Gathered amongst you--all of you, why you're all so important to this, why I needed you all here and all on the same page--is that between you all, are the bits and pieces I need to be made whole again. The first step-- and Pepper I'm sorry about this but we can put a new one back in you later--the first step is removing the repulsor unit from Pepper's chest and inserting it into mine."

The panels that follow are Tony... they finally closed his eyes... unconscious with a breathing tube down his throat and Pepper lying beside him looking at him before she gets knocked out for surgery. The next panel is a shot of Pepper's letter to him and the words "You ask me and I come running" pointed out as a HERE'S THE POINT flag of non-subtle proportion. Okay, I got it. Pepper gives everything up for Tony. Hey... HEY! Leave that dead horse alone.

Tony: "That's the key, that's the heart of the operation if you will. This electromagnetic repulsory battery is going to fuel my entire biology from now on..."

So while they take the repulsor out of Pepper, Tony tells us basically the plot of her getting it in the first place, which I'm not going to rehash here. Basically, she went boom in a building and then she got the repulsor and without it she'll be fine now, just normal amazing Pepper. And Tony's brain doesn't remember how to work his brain so they're going to fix him with:

"Surgery, Science and Cool Machines." The three s--wait...

Tony: "Not long ago I faced a rogue biological weapon called Extremis. Extremis was a bioelectric enhancile that transformed the human body into a remarkably efficient piece of organic technology. To stop the first subject, I underwent the procedure myself. You might remember that phase where I could just think at the armor and it would fly across the room toward me. That was what it made possible. Fun while it lasted but not even Extremis was safe from the Skrulls. They attacked the upgrades and shut me--and Extremis--down permanently. Anyway, the procedure alters the human body. Extremis allowed me to recreate and redesign the way my insides worked. So don't be surprised if you get in there and you see stuff that shouldn't be there."

To which Don replies, at least I think it's Don: "Are those... wires... in his lungs?"

Excuse as I die from how hilariously cracktastic that is! And how amazing that it brings my love of Extremis to a whole new level!

Tony: "Pepper's suit has detailed instructions to walk you through installation, Doc. It's not that different than what you've done before. Just some more cabling."

HAHAHAHAHAH omg... that's so priceless. I have a whole new view of what Tony's insides look like. Someone needs to draw that... like an Operation game layout of Tony with Extremis. That would be too funny.

Tony: "Next comes the brains of the operation. Which was Maria Hills department... she was tasked with recovering a very special hard drive for me and since she's her I'm sure she did it. Get it now. If we think of our minds as ou body's operating system and Extremis was an upgrade, I did what all good geek would do before installing it. I backed myself up."

Which technically doesn't make a LOT of sense considering his brain wasn't a computer system BEFORE Extremis so without it how would he have the capability of such but... you know details like that are handwaved all the time and retconned... right Potts-Hogan kids? Right. Quoth my friend: "Maybe SI has special brain hard drives."

Tony: "The only thing in the world that drive plugs into is the back of my neck. Go ahead and hook it up. Once the repulsor disc is on, it'll serve as a boot disc and install itself into my mind. After Ezekiel Stane's terror attacks on Stark Industries we no longer have a repulsor facility capable of reactivating the RT battery unit you've just taken from Pepper and put in me. That's where War Machine, Captain America and Thor come in..."

Doctor Whatshisname comes out of the room to where Cap has apparently been pacing, Maria, Rhodey and Natasha are. He gives them sort of a somber look.

Doctor: "Your turn."

Meanwhile, at Mos Eisely Cantina

Tony and a group of gray haired dudes that live in his brain, including Howard.. (hey, maybe these are previous generations of Stark men... like grandpa, great grandpa... one of those dudes has the most amazing mutton stache ever...) they've arrived at the huts (not Hutts) with the chest piece.

Howard: "Turn it to the--yeah--almost on-- There. you know it's got some switches on the back?"

Tony: "Where? I can't see it."

He now has the chest piece on and is trying to look behind him as Maria keeps watch for those fucking machines that want to pwn them to death.

Howard: "You'll need some help to turn it on."

Tony: "I can remember that. I think I can remember that."

Howard: Can you, son? Will you? Knowing you need it and asking somebody for help are two different things. By my lights you're not a man who knows the difference."

Tony: "Needing help and asking for help are two different things. I need help, I need help, I need help. I can remember that. I'm ready Howard, okay."

Wow... so much for the subtle. We're just going right for the jugular with this stuff. Okay, we know Tony is a guy who doesn't ask for help even when he knows he needs it and it's Howard that's pointing it out to him, which is slightly ironic because you know Howard is the one who taught him about being self reliant. You just know it. And here they are clueless of their connection, and Howard is helping Tony with the chest piece... helping him remember that he doesn't have to do everything alone... and.. god that's deep.

Tony sits with his eyes closed in the chest piece for the Iron Man. Howard has his hands on his shoulders.

Tony: "I said--"

Howard: "I know what you said. I threw the switches and nothing happened."

None of that matters, because the machine things are on their way.

Back in the real world

Tony: "Rhodey, man. I hope you brought your tool box."

Rhodey sits in a room and he's taking apart the Iron Potts with instructions coming from said Iron Potts. That's kind of awesome. Poor Rhodey, how much of this crap does he have to go through with Tony? And really, poor everyone involved. Except that Doctor guy. He hasn't had time to learn, yet.

Tony: "You're the only guy on Earth after me that I'd trust to strip a stark suit for parts..."

Iron Potts: "There's another .75 meters of cable available in--"

Rhodey: "I know, I know."

Tony: "Get every inch of cable that's reinforced to carry full repulsor current loads stripped out of the suit and braid 'em all together. Take out the mounting clips from torso undersheath K and attach them to the repulsor battery. And attach the mounting clips from undersheath L to the other ends of the cabling. And then you'll need to get me to a rooftop. And doc--er, Doctor Blake... we'll need your... partner.. for this next step."

"Stark Industries used to have repulsor generator facilities all over the world, but between Stane and Osborn--and me, let's be honest here--we're going to have to improvise activating the repulsor disc. It's going to sound and seem counter-intuitive. But if you follow my instructions exactly, I'm almost positive that this probably won't kill me."

Cue everyone taking Tony to the roof. Maria is tenderly cradling the head of the Iron Potts. Captain America squared is carrying Tony with Rhodey's help. Natasha is holding the door and Don has his Thor... stick... Awesome. They get Tony settled and Steve puts the shield down on the ground.

Doctor: "This is completely insane."

Don: "So was Tony. Wen you get down to it, I mean."

Are we already talking about Tony in the past tense? He's not officially dead yet guys... so much for hope. Geez. Well, they're all pretty convinced this hair brained scheme isn't going to work as planned, because to be honest it is crazy and well... it's only the second issue of the arc. We have four left.

Rhodey: "Listen, if Tony says this is going to work... not matter how insane it seems... it usually works. Usually."

Doctor: "This will kill him. It will electrocute him or blow up his heart or set him one fire. Doctor Blake, surely you understand the danger involved here--"

Tony doesn't have a heart, silly.

Don: "Tony's Tony, Doc. If he says this is how we get him back, this is how we get him back. I'm just worried about the shield."

Steve: "The shield can take it."

Bucky: "It'll be fine."

Steve: "Just smack it dead center."

Bucky: "To make sure."

This is adorable and I love how suddenly Bucky's all game and grins. I think it's because he's happy Steve's back. Or maybe it's because there's still a part of him that's Winter Soldier and is getting hard at the sadistic idea of Tony getting electrocuted...

Doctor: "Blake, you can't seriously be considering--"

They've connected the shield at the other send of the make shift jumper cables. So for those who need extra help in the home game, it's connected to Tony's repulsor disc and the shield. Metal is a conductor of electricity and...Don stands with a grip on his stick and determination in his eyes as the sky erupts with lightening...

Two page spread of Thor's hammer slamming down on to the shield and sending an amazing amount of electrical current into Tony's chest. His body arcs on the gurney as Natasha and Maria cover their heads and Steve watches in anticipation. THis is an amazing page of awesome and definitely worth the tease in the variant cover that ACTUALLY OCCURRED IN THIS ISSUE!!

Tony's eyes open wide and he lets out a yell of probably pain.

On Tatoonine Tony clutches his chest and lets out the same cry.

Doctor Whatshisname holds out his hands toward Tony, as Maria stands stunned beside him, calling out his name.

Great, now he's dead and on fire. What exactly was that designed to do? (he's not really on fire, for the record, I'm just being snarky.)

On the planet furthest from the bright center of the universe, Tony lies on the ground with Howard above him, and Maria running over. He's unresponsive.

Howard: "Tony? TONY!!"

Ghost found the burst of energy and makes a phone call to the Sooner Inn. The fat receptionist answers the phone but there's no one there. Must have been a wrong number. The Ghost is in the inn.

See you next month. And Happy Holidays :)

Invincible Iron Man Issue #20

2009-11-29T12:26:00.000-06:00

Welcome back to another exciting installment of Invincible Iron Man. Or... well I guess he's more like Defeated Creamed Corn... (since he's a vegetable...fuck it.)

When we last left Tony Stark and World's Most Wanted concluded, Tony went vegetative state after Osborn publicly beat the shit out of him. Maria, Natasha and Pepper became Tony's Angels and defeated HAMMER with the help of JARVIS and the Iron Potts... successfully escaping with the Stark X Drive. Norman sort of ruined some of his cred with his Tony Stark Battle Royale, and Don Blake was called onto the scene to keep the plug from being pulled. And there was shiny Bucky Cap.

So begins the next arc: Stark Disassembled in:

Invincible Iron Man #20: Counting Up From Zero

Tony Stark's brain is a shitty knock off of a Salvador Dali painting with less clocks and more confusing symbolism. Larroca, your name may be Salvador but Dali you ain't. Tony's digging his hands in... what looks like sand but judging by the sepia coloring of his mind, it could be dirt too. He's digging in the ground anyway, and he finds teeth. Which is weird. And everyone is dressed like they're on an archeological dig site. Which makes sense I guess, since they're "digging up Tony's memories" right? I mean, right?

Who is "everyone?", you ask? Well, Howard Stark for one, who strides up to Tony hunched on the ground and riffling through the dirt.

Howard: "Any luck with anything, Anthony?"

Tony: "Howard, hey, and no--just more and more of... what is this, a tooth? Why are these teeth buried under the dirt?"

I have the same damn question, Tony. Apparently your brain is a really fucked up place.

Howard: "Hell, if I knew that one, son, I wouldn't have to dig it up all the live long day, would I? Put 'em 'neath your pillow and you'll be a billionaire by breakfast."

Tony: "...I'd just lose it all by lunch again anyway..."

Howard doesn't have time for Tony's Self-Deprecation Hour. He turns around and approaches the woman sitting on the ground digging up a car from the dirt landscape of Tony's head. Hmm. Car. I think that's what those in literature call 'a symbol', kids. On closer inspection the car looks wrecked. The front of it looks bent in... hmmm I wonder what car that is?

Howard: "Maria! C'mon gal, let's get a move on before nightfall."

As my dear friend put it, Maria looks a little like an older, Sepia Pepper Potts (Dammit, Larroca, she isn't even a red head!) and turns toward Howard and Tony and wipes some sweat off her forehead. At least, that's what I assume because she's got the back of her wrist against her forehead and she seems to have been working on this car for sometime.

Perhaps Pepper is Larroca's ideal and thus all women must be judged according to her standard and so if Pepper is perfect women in his books must be mistaken for her to be right?

Maria: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it? Every time we get some real work done, the war destroys it again. Everything worthwhile here is buried deep down in the ground."

Clever... hold up, war? War? What the hell is going on in your brain, Tony? Pan out to see the landscape littered with mounds that have yet to be unearthed and a few that are in the process. Maria's car that she's been digging up. Someone is digging up a plane, further back there appears to be a coffin and a GIANT FUCKING HAND in the far left right corner...

I've got nothing.

Howard: "I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. Another day at play beneath the fields of God."

Tony: "Y'know, I never let myself believe in God besides, I think I just found his molar. Something is wrong inside my head."

Really? Ya think?

Some dude comes running at them terrified and screaming.

Dude: "They're coming! Run! RUN!"

Tony: "But I'm not done with my work."

Oh Tony Stark, a workaholic even in his fucked up barren waste land of the brain. I approve of that. So the other people high tail it out of there and Tony stands there like a goon. Howard tries to get him to go with, but Tony just stands there as a giant mechanical thingamagig appears above them in the sky. It's shiny and probably red and gold...

Howard: "TONY!"

He just stands there staring at the thing like an awed child.

Tony: "Where have I... those are... nth-gen Stark Titanomechs... but the design's all wrong... I don't think I've even built them yet... they're just sketches..."

Howard starts to yell for him again, gets as far as "T-" and then they're vaporized.

A blue Holographic image of Tony in his hay day starts the next panel. He looks stoic, if not a little sad. The following is a six page monologue. Tony ranges different emotions from sad to angry, to outrageous as he speaks to the camera and records this final message.

Tony: "My name's Tony Stark and I'm an alcoholic. No? Wait, I'm sorry. Wrong meeting... beats crying anyway, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. OKay. So... so I'm recording this on my last morning as Director of SHIELD. When I'm done uploading to the MK 1616 suit that I'm leaving for Pepper, I turn the keys over to Norman Osborn. By lunch he'll be abusing the Superhuman Registration Database and God knows what all else. If you're watch this, I'm right, and everything's gone horribly wrong. But... at the same time, if you're watching this, things are about to start going horribly right again. I promise... umm... that might sound weird, I know. Because if I'm write--and c'mon, it's me, so I am--I'm probably lying there. Persistent vegetative state, right? Right."

I suppose there's an outside chance I'm dead somehow you've managed to--well, whatever. MK 1616, if I'm dead seize the Stark drive X and fly yourself into the nearest active volcano. Please."

He pauses and waits.

"Okay. Assembled here--almost, between you all--are the tools and the knowhow needed to bring me back. To reboot me if you will. But first you need to take a minute and talk amongst yourselves and figure out--and ask the question--do you want me back? Can you forgive me? Because, here's the thing--I'm not apologizing. What happened, happened and it happened because it happened and that's that. And you shouldn't apologize either. What's past is prologue. I...okay. None of us get into this line of work because of the great 401k, right? I ran a good race--I ran a great race--and had a good and great life and maybe I helped out a little along the way. Every single one of us knows there's no promise of a happy ending. We die. Heroes... die. Cap--Bucky--Thor--you guys know that lesson all too well. Bill Foster knew it. Janet--Clint-- This is the job. This is the job. Dying is the super hero retirement plan. And lately a whole lot of us are on it. So here's the deal--the bad guys are waiting around for us to fall apart, and I don't want to be in the falling apart business anymore."

So I guess that means he's quitting as Iron Man. Which is fair, because when he does wake up A) Iron Man might be a little hard to pilot or even remember and 2) well... does anyone really want him to be Iron Man again, especially his former allies?

"We're doing the divide part of their divide and conquer routine. We're putting our heads on silver platters for these guys again and again because--because--because we're letting us get in the way of stopping them and... so I'm done. I've destroyed everything at SHIELD I created that Osborn could exploit. He'll have some old suits but no repulsor power, so you'll be okay when it all comes down. The 1616 is uploaded with a viral assault for Osborn's dataspine. Whatever Osborn has left should be negligible at best for the men and women that handed Ultron his ass a half dozen times. Zeke Stane's attacks on Stark Industries crippled our repulsor power production capabilities. Oz is too stupid to figure out how to make repulsors on his own anyway. Pep, you've got the very last repulsor generator in the world. Be good to it and it will be good to you."

Fair enough. Tony really has a point here. I mean... hello? They've spent so much time breaking off into separate groups lately no wonder Osborn could climb so easily to the top with the shot heard round the world.

"So--so that's it. My side of the street is clean and if I die I'm dying with as clean a conscience as can be expected... it's going to to take the three of us--Cap, Thor and Iron Man-- working together to clean it all up. Y'know they say in certain rooms... they say "Let go and let God," and this is me letting go. And I've never let myself believe in God, but..."

Tony starts to get choked up and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"...I don't know how to say this. Captain America and Thor were... whatever sense of a higher power I've ever had in this life came from them. From you. And from who you thought I could be. Whenever I looked up you were who I was looking at. For guidance, for leadership... and now absolution."

Tony then gets up to leave.

"That's it. That's all. Think it over and let the MK 1616 know what you decided and we'll get into the how of it all."

Tony leaves, but then comes back for a real quick one more thing. He basically lays out if he doesn't come back how things will go down with Osborn's fall and is reference of Osborn squeezing too hard on the world. They'll beat him in chaos and there will be blood and thunder and Tony totally saw the previews for SIEGE. Because he sees the Future. Damn Futurists. He uses an analogy of Osborn's team being like speeding cars that crash into a pile up and then tells the heroes to think like a school of fish and work independent and interdependent at the same time. He then warns to expect heavy casualties because of how Osborn plays his games and then Tony leaves and the image disappears.

Well. I have one input on this: Some people call this emotional blackmail. I to some degree see him doing this because well for one thing, it's out of his hands and I think he knows that the other heroes and friends won't go "well fuck it, let him die" because then they wouldn't be the good guys. On the other hand, I don't think he wants to come back if he keeps having to play the bad guy when he clearly isn't. This isn't really all his fault, he just was the fall guy and he might have made a lot of trespasses against those he loves, but he never did them with the intention of being cruel. One thing a lot of people forget about Tony is that he is in fact a good guy, and he always has the best intentions. His heart (Or whatever is subbing for it at the time) is always in the right place, no matter how misguided he may be.

And that is why, I'd like to take this moment to say: Thank You, Matt Fraction for not making Tony Stark puss out and apologize for being himself.

Thank you for keeping his integrity.

On the the next page Maria Hill, Natasha Potts, Bucky!Cap, Don Blake and Pepper Potts stand staring at the MK 1616 which delivered to them the final message from a lucid Tony Stark. Before them, Tony lies in a hospital bed, vegetative, with bandages on his shoulder, arm, head and nose. And tubes in his nose and mouth to breathe for him. This is also the first time in a few issues I would call the art, decent. If Tony looked like Coma!Tony in every panel, I might actually like Larroca's art again.

Why does Peter Parker get to be pretty and Tony looks like that?

Iron Potts: "The message terminates there."

Don: "Maaaaan, Tony."

Bucky!Cap: "Unbelievable."

Natasha: "Was he this insane when you worked for him, Hill?"

Pepper says nothing.

The heroes then discuss what they plan to do. Bucky!Cap steps in first to immediately say they're bringing Tony back. Which of course, surprises me because well Bucky and Tony aren't exactly BBFs but you know, I can see that he's probably not in the business of just pulling the plug on people... no matter what they've done. Don agrees with Bucky since Tony's sick and that's his job to heal him. Maria also agrees, and Natasha as well but for mostly selfish reasons, so they don't think they wasted their time trying to save him.

Iron Potts lets them know there is a presentation to be played on how to reboot Tony. Which reminds me, I really miss that show Reboot... but that has nothing to do with this. Iron Potts asks if Pepper is in and she leaves the room telling them she needs some time, in a mess of tears.

Pepper is probably so emotional because TONY'S EYES ARE STILL FUCKING OPEN. SERIOUSLY! THAT'S JUST CREEPY.

Close his eyes, let him sleep, so retarded vegetable Tony isn't just staring at everyone vacantly while you discuss his fate. God.

Pepper runs down the stairs of wherever they are, I guess it's Don's hotel . Maria goes after her. And now we have Pepper/Maria shippers going "YES!" and everyone else going, oh that's weird... but of the group in that room currently they're the closest to Tony and subsequently each other.

Pepper: "Dammit. Stark, you are unbelievable."

Maria: "Potts! Potts, c'mon."

Pepper: "No--no--"

Maria: "Hey! Pepper--Pepper. C'mon. What's--"

Pepper: "I don't--"

Maria: "--it's okay--"

Pepper: "I don't--I don't understand why--after so many people got hurt--after everybody died at Stamford, and Stane and the Invasion, and--and--and after Steve and Bill and--and after Happy all died--why is it Tony that gets to come back? Why is it that Tony Stark is the one that gets everything back again?"

While most people sit back and initially say "ouch" you also realize that well... Pepper Potts, you may have a pretty good point there. The answer of course is because Tony planned his death... but you know, the devil's in the details.

On second thought, let's not go back into Tony's brain... it is a silly place.

But we're there and now with the teeth he's dug up some oranges.

Tony looks pretty confused by the oranges. In the Godfather, whenever a character has oranges near them or around them it's a signal that the character is going to die soon. So maybe that's something. And teeth are a sign of losing your mind or fear of losing your mind, which if you read Haunted... Tony did sort of battle with going nuts. But then he could have joined the schizo club with Hank and they could beat their wives together.

That is assuming Tony's Dick of Death doesn't kill her before he says I do...

I think Bethany Cabe is busy with Robo!Rhodey these days anyway.

Moving on.

Howard comes over to him again as he's staring at the oranges in his hand. I think they might actually be tangerines. But whatever.

Howard: "Any luck with anything?"

Tony: "No, Just--Deja vu. Howard, hasn't this already happened before now? Isn't this just happening again?"

Howard: "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a tangerine. Put 'em 'neath your pillow and--"

Tony: "Yeah, yeah, a billionaire by breakfast. I'm digging. Why am I digging?"

Howard: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it?"

Maria shows up behind Howard. It's pretty obvious here that Tony doesn't remember Howard and Maria as his parents. He knows he knows them, they seem to have some kind of relationship but not a parent to son sort of conversation. With Howard that isn't surprising, with Maria and Tony that's a sign that in Tony's head, they don't have any relation to each other. Fellow diggers in the Daliesque wasteland.

Tony: "And now the screaming and running starts and the giant things come--"

Haha! He is so over this. Tony calls shenanigans on this. He keeps digging.

Maria: "Tony, something's coming."

Random person: "RUN!"

Howard: "We have to get out of here--"

Tony stays put he wants to do some more digging and he doesn't want to keep playing his own in head version of Groundhog Day without the mildly redeeming quality of Bill Murray. But not really all that redeeming.

Tony: "Digging, I was digging for something here right here--"

Maria: "Tony--!"

Maria is trying to drag Howard, Howard is trying to save Tony and Tony is down in the dirt continuing to dig so that he can figure out what he's trying to find in there.

Tony: "There's something under here! There's something iron buried under here help m--"

Fade out

New York City, Avengers Tower:

Awesome. Just when you think you're done with Stormin' Norman, he's back with a shit eating grin on his face. How's that shit taste, Norman? Does it taste of Wictory? (Everything is funnier when you replace V with W, like Wanda in that crappy Avengers cartoon. Case and point: Wictor Won Doom)

Basically what happens here in two pages of Norman Osborn is he calls all his goons failures and removes the bounty from Tony's head with no reward going to anyone for capturing him, and then he tells them to get out of his life, he has to run the world. Also, he doesn't want Tony touched because he'd rather let him rot as a "a good little vegetable". So no more bounty. And no one is to kill Tony. And then he thanks Whitney for all her help lately. And Hood is all "...what?"

Whitney, of course, doesn't give to thoughts about the bounty. It was never about the money for her with Tony. She wants to end him because well she has her own personal politics and it has to do with apparently Tony's former company. That and well, she's a woman scorned I guess. I'm not really sure why she's going on about his company since it doesn't exist anymore. Long story short, she hires Ghost to take out Tony.

Ghost is in.

In the Stark Wasteland

Tony's found more oranges and more teeth. The long range shots of Tony are not consistent with the close ups, just so everyone knows. He looks completely different when you have a full head few than when you have just his face, which doesn't make any sense to me.

Tony: "Just a bit ago I thought about an orange and now... what the hell is going on?"

Howard: "Any luck with--"

Tony: "Howard. All of this is happening again. So help."

Howard: "Help? Ahh... I just don't get what it is you mean by help."

That's right, because Howard is a jerkface and he would never be helpful in anyway, I mean... if this was actually life.

Tony: "Dig."

Howard and Tony start to dig and Maria shows up behind them.

Tony: "Howard, help me dig this up, man."

Howard: "I'm trying to--"

Tony: "It's about elbow-deep, c'mon."

Maria: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it. Tony, something's--"

Tony: "Maria I know they're coming for the love of god get down here and help me dig--"

They stop. They have apparently found something, or what they were looking for because this panel has all three of them looking down into the dirt and taking in the sight.

Maria: "What are we--"

Tony: "There, right there--did you feel it?"

Howard: "Well I'll be damned. What is it?"

From the above view, we see they are all looking at part of the exposed chest plate of the Iron Man, complete with the glowing center arc reactor. Well then. Guess we know what Tony was digging for now. So here is my amateur attempt at the symbolism. Tony was in his mind digging up the Iron Man and before finding that chunk of the armor he found teeth because the Iron Man has nearly driven him insane on many occasions or caused him the fear that he would go insane. Or maybe even the idea of battling evil in a suit of armor is insane. The oranges, if they mean death, are because the Iron Man has nearly cost Tony his life a billion times over... including this time.

Maybe? Who knows. I guess time will tell.

The giant mechanical monster arrives again. Tony stares at it face on and Maria and Howard cling to each other for support because they know shit is going to go down here.

Tony: "I don't understand. What did I do?" What do I have to d"

Fade out

And... scene!

The rest of this issue after this isn't story but "If you haven't read Iron Man in the past ten years or haven't been following until now, here's what you missed."

Bite me. I'm not going to dignify it by including it in the recap.

See you next month.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #19

2009-10-25T16:35:00.001-05:00

When we last read TONY STARK: GOING FULL RETARD, Tony was in a Gorillaz music video before heading off to Dubai to end his deletion process, Osborn was hot on his tail. And Pepper-Not-Masque-Potts was helping Maria and Natasha Potts escape the clutches of HAMMER while Hand of Justice found Masque inside the Crimson Dynamo armor and JARVIS released a virus to render the Iron Man armors useless.

Invincible Iron Man #19: Into the White (Einstein on the Beach)

New York City
Avengers Tower:

A HAMMER doctor is talking to Hand of Justice about Masque's condition. She's curled up, bald with what looks like a hockey mask on to cover that hideous face of hers. She's dehydrated after being locked in that thing for nine hours, she also has burns, abrasions, three broken bones. And the who ever she's being impersonated by is still at large.

Like you haven't figured out it's Pepper yet? I mean really?! The last person who supposedly saw Potts alive last was the imposter Masque... you haven't put two and two together yet? These HAMMER people are dumb, the sad part is they used to work for SHIELD...

The doctor asks if Hand of Justice has told Osborn yet, and she isn't really listening. She's just realized that maybe taking the job as Osborn's answer to Potts wasn't the best idea since where Stark would just fire you; Osborn will hang you by your toe nails and kick you in the face while he giggles for your wrong doing. She says she heard him and that she hasn't told him yet because she needs to kill the imposter first, or else everyone dies.

Disheartenment in the key of Osborn.

Meanwhile, in a random hallway

Maria, Natasha Potts and Pepper Potts (who are still indistinguishable from each other. The only reason I know Maria is Maria is she has black hair) are standing against a wall in their skin tight ensembles. Of course, Fraction... they fight crime in little to nothing...

The Potts twins are on the look out as some HAMMER flunkies are on the other side of the wall, being useless.

Maria: "Pepper Potts."

Pepper: "Yes."

Maria: "We're being rescued by Pepper Potts."

Pepper: "Yes."

At this point, they're facing each other and having a bitch fest with Natasha Potts in the middle looking like daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table and now they're forced to eat in awkward silence.

Maria: "Tony Stark's secre--"

Pepper: "Yes, Hill. That's right. The former Director of SHIELD is getting rescued by the former secretary of Tony Stark. Would you rather go back to your cell and work out your own escape plan? Because you and the Black Widow here weren't doing so hot."

Natasha: "Shut up, Hill. Nobody has any problems here at all, Pepper, thank you, in fact."

Maria: "You waltzed in here alone to grab us and now we're out--I was just wondering when the shooting would start."

Pepper: "That's just it. No shooting."

They've made it into an elevator now and Pepper is putting the mask back and hair piece back on to be Not!Masque again.

Pepper: "We're just going to walk out the front door. Just Madame Masque and her prisoners... And I told you--I didn't come here alone. JARVIS? I know you're awake now..."

Eighty-Two Floors above:

Iron Potts stands over a pile of collapsed Iron Man armors ready to fight another day, like the badass piece of machinery it is. Like, this is the sentient armor but much cooler and not even remotely creepy.

JARVIS: "Ah, Ms. Potts. Lovely to hear your voice again. I've executed full-body control of the rescue armor and have just located the Stark Drive."

Pepper: "Excellent. Have they managed to do anything with it?"

JARVIS: "No, Ma'am. The decryption should keep from working for about... 750,000 years."

Pepper: "Great. What about the virus?"

JARVIS: "I've just uploaded our viral payload to Osborn's extant Stark Tech. Shall you be fetching the drive?"

Pepper: "Yes. Where?"

JARVIS: "It's on the thirty third floor. Room nine."

Pepper: "Okay--we're almost to the lobby now. We can--"

Before she finishes, Hand of Justice announces a code red and to lock down the tower. She authorizes HAMMER goons to terminate them on sight which, was the best case for them right? Osborn would probably torture them by making them all look at his hair and try to figure out how it's genetically possible. JARVIS says he retrieve them or the drive but Pepper sends him after the drive. The drive is what they need and if the girls are already screwed, JARVIS needs to screw Osborn.

Osborn is flying over Pakistan and bitching to Walsh about his location. Walsh claims to be having trouble with the Stark tech and locating Tony. Walsh feeds him coordinates to continue going south by southeast (except if you knew a map and where Tony is heading, that's the opposite direction). Walsh is having second thoughts about being a rat. Osborn is convinced something is wrong and tries to get in contact with Hand of Justice who isn't answering him.

Walsh: "Um, sir? I, uh--I think she's busy at the--"

Osborn: "--so busy she doesn't have time to talk to her boss, Walsh? Too busy for the man that single-handedly beat back the Skrull Invasion of Earth? Too busy for the leader of the Avengers? Too busy for the Iron Patriot?"

Oh Osborn, your temper tantrums make me giggle like no ones business. You're such a little bitch. You're the Veruca Salt of Marvel. I want a golden goose that lays golden eggs and I want it now!

Osborn: "Where? Is? STARK?"

He emphasizes his hissy with a repulsor blast. Mature, really.

Iran:

Stark is bouncing along in the old original gray armor. I'm not joking. He's bouncing around. Leaping like a kangaroo. A big, metal, kangaroo. With no nose.

Tony narration: Keep--keep moving, Tony--keep--keep moving.

Tony: "Just keep moving. Almost done. Almost to Dubai. Almost--"

Walsh's superior catches on that Walsh is sending Osborn in the wrong direction. He arrests Walsh for not being a team player, which I guess you're supposed to feel bad for him, but I don't because he's been a jerk since the beginning of this run and I think he's getting his just desserts. Whatever. So this new guy who is unfortunately named Gormley and sort of looks like Peter Sellers on a bad day. He's also Osborn's kind of guy as he sets him in the right direction to find Stark. Great. This will only end in tears and blood shed, but I think we knew that.

He finally gets Hand of Justice to answer him, and this is all very boring now. Can we just get to the action? I want to see some shit go down. 18 issues I had to wait for the shit to go down and now I have to put up with ten pages of boring chatter and Osborn being whiney and then gloating? I WANNA SEE SOME DAMAGE. THE BEST THING WE'VE HAD TO A FIGHT IN THIS ARC WAS TONY VS NAMOR (and I guess Shockwave, but that was a pretty lame battle) AND WELL... IT'S NAMOR!! COME ONE MAN!!!

*RAGE BLACK OUT!*

Ahem.

Hand of Justice is surprised how calm Osborn sounds even calls him chipper. This is how Osborn responds...

Osborn: "I'm twenty-six minutes away from Tony Stark and that precious little mind of his. Twenty-six minutes away from the world's smartest man," (Reed Richards is here now?) "from punishing that stupid little brat that's made me chase him half way around the world like an idiot. So yes, Ms Hand. I think we can safely put today in the win column."

Well then. Stupid little brat, huh? See? The maturity here...

Back in the tower elevator:

The girls are still corner in the elevator and Pepper tells Natasha Potts to push the elevator button and pray, while she takes care of the guards. The HAMMER guys yell fire on the women. Pepper uses her arc reactor for... something that isn't really clear, but apparently she can tear apart metal with it? Well that doesn't work apparently because the doors shut and they nearly get widdled with buwwets!

Pepper checks in wit JARVIS who has now hacked the systems in the tower, no one is doing anything without their say so. And the girls make a plan. Pepper's going to get the Iron Potts, Maria and Natasha Potts are going after the drive. No meets ups. They just run and hope to see each other again. And if not, they die trying. Which, according to Natasha Potts, is pretty likely.

Well then... there go Tony's Angels.

Dubai, finally.

Tony's tired of jumping around like Iron Kangaroo. He can't do it anymore. He's out of power and energy.

Tony narration: --can't fly no more--can't jump--can't--can only--run--let the thing do its thing and--keep run--run good--

So painful. He's so retarded now. And Osborn is closing in behind him. Tony is literally a sitting target. He's just standing there oblivious to the trouble of behind him. Oh this is going to hurt and it's exactly the action I've been damn waiting for.

Osborn: "Oh, God--That tin can doesn't even have radar--SSSSTTTAAAARRRRKKK!!"

Osborn fires on Tony with repulsors and little rockets from his shoulders. Tony just deflects them, he doesn't fire back or move to aggress. He's sort of running away.

Osborn: "Give me just a second of silence. So i can enjoy this, y'know? If you start talking right now you'll ruin this next part..."

Tony: "Something. Something wrong."

His forehead is bleeding already as Iron Patriot comes into full few, dropping down to the ground on the same level as Tony and the gray armor. Tony backs away from Osborn.

Osborn: "Really, Stark? Really? Not even going to acknowledge the paint job? I won't lie to you, Tony, I really went out of my way to try and piss you off with this thing. And you're giving me nothing here. C'mon."

Saying "really" is my thing! Fuck you, Osborn. You can't have it! Go back to crazy town and run things there with Mayor McCheese!

Tony: "Gotta. Gotta go. Gotta--"

Osborn fires on him with more repulsors.

Osborn: "FIGHT ME!"

The 33rd floor of Avengers Tower:

The girls are in the elevator. Natasha Potts questions what's on the hard drive but Maria never asked because she's a soldier and they don't ask questions, just follow the boss's orders. Pepper doesn't give any input but she probably doesn't know either. They finally split up to go and reek havoc on HAMMER in their own little suicide plan. Good morning, Angels.

Maria and Natasha Potts head down the hallway and sneak passed some windows before kicking open a door ninja style. They stand in fighting stance ready to take on whoever wants to go with them. It's pretty badass and Maria seems to be back in fighting form. Go Maria!

Maria: "C'mon--who wants some?"

Random Scientist: "Um. We could plug it in but nothing happened and we don't know why. So... please don't hurt us?"

Pussies. All of them. Angels 1, HAMMER 0.

Tony is down for the count on the desert floor and bleeding from various head wounds now. He's sad and pathetic and now you really start to see the extent of what he's done to himself full swing. He's mentally obliterated and running on basic instinct at this point. Go where you need to go and don't stop until you get there.

Tony: "Don' wanna fight. Get up. Gotta go."

He tries to get up but Osborn grabs him by the throat and tosses him down again with force. He cracks the ground with the blow of his body before Osborn picks him up again and holds him in the air by the neck of the armor.

Osborn: "Stark, come on. Are you kidding me? I mean, Masque--whoever it is you've got pretending to be Masque, anyway--said you were losing it but this proto-Hulk patois is just cliched... I'm not going to let you walk away with all those secrets in your head. All that technology, all the identities of all your friends... I'm a little offended that I've so clearly beaten you and yet you can't even be bothered to look me in the eyes..."

Tony: "Dunno."

Osborn: "My God. He's really gone..."

He blasts Tony with another repuslor, sending him flying backwards against the ground, before going up into the air to bring down the fury against Tony while he's down.

Osborn: "well, I don't care how retarded you've gone and gotten yourself--you're not going to ruin this for me."

Iron Patriot moves in for a punch and Iron Man grabs his hand and holds on. The unibeam on the Iron Patriot starts to light up and Tony, covered and blood and grunting in the armor grits his teeth and gives in.

Tony: "Fine, Shiny. Fight. FIGHT!!"

He blasts Osborn back with a flame thrower.

Back at the tower,

Pepper (or as I'm going to call her, Farrah) has found her armor so she can finally be in something less ridiculous than the Madame Masque outfit. She goes over to the armor and takes off the helmet before getting ready to suit up.

JARVIS: "Ms Potts! Wonderful to see you again."

Potts: "That's... impressive."

JARVIS: "Every extant Stark suit within Osborn's horrid tendrils will be shut down by the virus soon."

Potts: "You've just very seriously damaged Osborn's ability to make war on Stark's name. Bravo, JARVIS."

JARVIS: "Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. And what follows? Have we a plan?"

Pepper: "Pray Maria Hill gets the job done then cut our losses and run like hell."

Pepper in the armor busts through the windows of the tower. She flies off talking to JARVIS about the second phase of his cheeky amazing plan. Seriously, if JARVIS doesn't stay part of IRON MAN continuing on into the future of the book, I will cry myself to sleep every Wednesday it comes out!

JARVIS: "Ma'am, while I was in the HAMMER dataspine I was able to link in to the Iron Patriot's repulsor track of Mr. Stark. I've taken the liberty of informing media outlets around the world that Norman Osborn is in Dubai trying to murder Tony Stark."

Pepper: "Good."

JARVIS: "Where to, ma'am?"

Pepper: "Anywhere but here. And turn on the news."

Angels 2, HAMMER 0

Dubai GNN Newsroom:

The news room is full of people looking over the footage they're getting from the dataspine. They're speaking in the brackets again so it's clear they aren't speaking English, he's just writing it in English.

<"Anybody else watching this? Is this legit?!?">

News Guy: <"It came from the HAMMER International Press Corps--">

News Girl: <"Is that--that's happening here? That's--">

News Guy: <"--If the feeds real then yeah, it says this is live, happening now... I mean, am I crazy or does that look like two Iron Man suits beating the hell of out of each other? Man, look at how many other newsorgs were cc'd on that announcement. They must've emailed this to every major media outlet in... in... the world.">

The Staff of GNN move out to cover this story.

Back at the Tower:

HAMMER SWAT guy: "Roger that-- All right, men, listen up. Two of 'em just left floor 33 and are on their way down. They have nowhere to go. They have nowhere to go but through us."

Inside the elevator Maria and Natasha come up with a plan.

Maria: "Well, what's the plan?"

Natasha: "You said it yourself, Hill. You're a soldier. Time to talk like it. And let's hope to god these guys that wnat tokill us still got a little soldier in 'em."

Maybe they have a little Cap'n in 'em too... I mean, if I worked for Osborn I'd be drunk 24/7 365... but I'm also a borderline alcoholic... enough about me.

The door opens and the boys are ready to unleash a field of lead on the the remaining two angels. That is when Maria Hill pulls up her big girl pants and straps on her badass to be the woman that Maria fans know she is. And the woman that Maria Haters love to Hate. A woman who once led these men. She moves her hands behind her back and stands up straight as they train their guns on her and Natasha. She's got the drive in hand.

Maria: "Stand at attention when a superior officer is in the room! Listen up: You're all SHIELD men, or you were once, now you're clowns for him. How many of you are tired of taking orders from a thug and a murderer like Norman Osborn? So dig deep, men, and ask yourself. Whose side are you on?"

I really wanted her to say "do you feel lucky, punk?" but that's not actually the correct quote from the movie and Fraction would know that. Man, hopes and dreams shattered...

The guards step aside and let Maria and Natasha go. Natasha is looking both confused, cautious and slightly impressed. And I officially love Maria Hill. She's looking kind hot now too, with her over grown hair.

Angels 3, HAMMER 0 TKO!

Back on the battlefield

Osborn: "Yesssss. Finally. FINALLY!"

He stands behind behind the smoke and flame while Tony holds his hands up. Osborn I guess... chest bumps him or something, sending Tony's armor backwards before Osborn closes in and slams Tony down face first into the ground, his hands crushing the back of the armor. That's probably going to damage his spine... ouch.

Osborn: "It won't feel so bad this way, Tony. You fight me back a little bit and I'm defending myself... and not just murdering you in cold blood."

He stands above Tony, who now is laying on his back, looking up at Osborn and the helicopters coming into view in the sky above them. Tony holds up his hands and through the holes in the helmet for his eyes you can see he's scared, confused and panicked. I don't really think he knows who Osborn is, or that that armor was one of his own designs.

Tony: "Please--"

Osborn: "That's it, Stark. Resist."

Osborn slams his fast into the helmet and it crushes under the blow. Tony looks visibly pained as the helicopters close in on them. The news crew above is taking video of their own now.

News Guy: <"Are you getting this? Is Stark even fighting back?">

News girl with camera: <"Yes. I'm getting this. And no. He's not.">

Tony is still on his back as Osborn pulls up Tony by the head, yanking off the helmet as he does.

Osborn: "Quit whining. Quit begging. it's not manly. It's not--masculine!"

He stares down Tony now that Tony is missing his helmet.

Osborn: "You know what I hate most about you, Stark? It's not that you were the smartest guy in the room. It's that you liked it so damn much. So what do you have to say for yourself now, smart guy?"

Tony takes a beat. He's broken, his face is covered in blood. He's probably barely registering most of this and he can't really keep his eyes open judging form the way they are mere slits on his face. Then, Tony Stark does one last Tony Stark like move. He lifts the corner of his mouth into a smirk before saying:

Tony: "I win."

Osborn loses it after that. Proving his point, sort of, but also it shows that Tony isn't completely gone yet and he's still going to get the last word on this situation. For all of Osborn's gloating, ranting, raving, whining... Tony Stark is still going to come out triumphant even if he doesn't live. Even if he doesn't fight back. Especially if he doesn't fight back? Why? Because Osborn looks like a murderer and Tony has lost all of the information in his head, as planned. He might die today but he's successfully achieved his goal.

Osborn: "You... You..."

Hand of Justice pipes in.

Hand: "Director Osborn! Director Osborn! This is Hand! Stop! You have to stop fighting Stark... it looks like you're killing him... someone leaked your location and now the entire world is watching this...! Do not kill Tony Stark! You'll make a martyr of him...!"

As Hand gives this warning, Osborn doesn't listen. He lifts both hands and about to fire a repulsor beam right into Tony's face. The helicopters tape it. It's on the giant screen in Time Square and the new commentary is:

"And we're seeing... I don't know what Iron Patriot isn't moving and-- wait, something's happening to Stark--"

The world watches with varying looks of sadness and dismay on the crowds faces.

Tony lies on the ground, apparently in the same blood puddle from a few issues ago, his eyes wide open in shock and his body rigid. It appears he's had another seizure, or he was repulsored in the face... depending on what you perceive from the video feed...

Osborn: "He's a criminal! This man is a wanted criminal--a dangerous--a danger... get down here! Get down here now! I just captured Tony Stark."

The helicopters leave Osborn standing there alone, with Tony's body at his feet.

The next panel is a heart monitor screen registering what looks like a pretty slow but steady heart beat.

The next is a HAMMER physician and Osborn, with Tony's broken and bloody body on a bed behind them covered in machines and blankets, tubes and wires. A bandage around his head. They didn't even bother to clean the blood off of him, which... is kind of cruel. To make the whole thing sadder, and so much more eerie... Tony's eyes remain wide open.

Doctor: "A skull fracture, a broken nose and a shattered cheek, concussion, a gunshot wound to the neck, six broken ribs, burns, cuts, bruises... topped off with a persistent vegetative state."

Osborn: "He's brain-dead?"

Doctor: "No, that's a different thing."

Osborn: "What's with the air-tubes then?"

Doctor: "Whatever the cybernetic grafts that connected his metabiology to the repulsor generators were... they connected to his brain stem. Stark deliberately inflicted damage to the whole of his mind--including the part that knew how to breathe. But, here, watch--"

The doctor pokes Tony's foot with a pin and his toes curl in reflex reaction.

Doctor: "--He can still respond to stimuli and the like. But any awareness, consciousness, or knowledge is lost forever."

Osborn: "What can we salvage?"

Doctor: "There's nothing left to salvage, sir. His mind no longer knows how to make his body breathe, let alone something like... his social security number."

I bet it's five.

Osborn: "Or the contents of the super human registration database. Or how to make a repulsor battery."

Doctor: "Yes, sir."

Osborn: "Pull the plug."

Doctor: "What?!?"

Osborn goes to leave making his way down the hall and out of the room where Tony's being kept alive by machines. The doctor follows in a hurry. This is all very sad that Tony's body is in the custody of HAMMER.

Doctor: "Director Osborn, we--"

Osborn: "--Have a million things to do before we get home, Doctor McGraw. We have to organize not one, but three nationwide manhunts for all the balls Hand dropped--We need to doctor footage of the Iron Man fight so it doesn't look like I was beating up an invalid, we--"

Doctor McGraw: "Sir we cannot pull the plug on Tony Stark!"

Osborn: "Why the hell not? Dump him in the ship's furnace and we'll say we're even recycling--"

Doctor McGraw: "Director Osborn. The HAMMER charter states that the helicarrier is, in essence, a flying embassy--meaning that US law is recognized onboard and--"

Osboen: "So?"

Doctor McGraw: "So, Stark has a livig will and transferred his power of attorney over to his personal physician. Legally this is an end-of-life decision only Tony Stark's doctor can make."

Osborn: "Give me the damn thing and let me read it for my... Who the hell is "Doctor Donald Blake"?"

Broxton, Oklahoma:

Sooner Motel

"Hello? This is Don Blake. Hello, Doctor McGraw."

Maria with the drive in hand, Iron Potts holding her helmet, Bucky!Cap and Black Widow all stand in the motel room with their heads bowed as Don sits on the edge of the bed, head also hung, face saddened as he speaks to the man on the other end of the line.

Don: "Yeah. I've been expecting your call..."

And so brings an end to World's Most Wanted...

Next month starts the new arc:

Stark: Disassembled.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #18

2009-09-29T15:54:00.002-05:00

Previously on: Tony Stark: Of Mice and Men, Tony wrote an email to Maria that makes me cry every time, forgot Cap's dead and was shot down in Afghanistan. Maria and Natasha are in the hands of HAMMER, and is the Iron Potts with a supposedly dead Pepper and a soon to be murdered-for-failure Madame Masque...

This is a fun limbo contest.

Invincible Iron Man #18: Kids With Guns vs The Angel of Eternal Death and Other Bible Stories.

This first few pages just makes me hot thinking about it, and not in a positive life affirming way. In a, oh god I hate the sun like vampires do, sort of way. Tony wanders through the deserts of Afghanistan ~~looking for Osama Bin Laden~~ on his way to... well I'll let the narration tell you:

He knows this merciless thatch of land, this jagged snarl of rocks, as though it were the room he was born in. In a way it was. Here--in Afghanistan--Tony Stark is...

Tony narration: Home. Or at least the place where it all began. I don't even know the difference anymore. All I know is... I'll be safe here.

Not if those ominous kids with the missile launcher have anything to say about it. Don't you know, in GTA 4 if the guy walks away you take his ass down!

Tony finds his way to his lab, going inside and finding a big covered thing, that sort of looks phallic but who am I to complain? It is Tony Stark. But it's probably just that first old armor, why? Because that's where this entire arc has been leading and if you didn't see that coming, then you're probably not paying attention.

Tony narration: It'll be cool and dark and I bet I have water in here--this place is perfect. The place where I came in broken and bleeding and corrupted... and emerged REBORN! EVERYONE IS GETTING REBORN!! That's the only reason I capitalized it. Because Captain America REBORN can only be done as such. This is the place where I met Ho Yinsin, a pacifist engineer that looked at me and didn't see a drunk and bloody playboy... but somebody that might be worth something. At least worth dying for... where it all began turns out to be where it'll all end. Fair enough.

Yeah yeah, Fraction. We all saw the movie too.

New York City, Avengers Tower:

Maria and Natasha sit in separate cells, both pressed against the wall and communicating with each other in Morse code. This shit actually cracks me up. Maria taps out: Y O U. T H E R E. N A T. And the reply from Natasha Potts is: D R O P. D E A D. Natasha then gets up when she here's a sound and taps out an SOS to Maria. Ms. Hand of Justice and Not!Masque are walking down the hall discussing the new captives. Yeah, okay.

Hand: "...Natasha Romanova, aka The Black Widow, was running with her... a low-level sitch that moves gray and black-market hardware gave us the heads up. Sometimes it's the smallest things, the tiniest details. With regards to those on the, shall we say, sketchier side of the law. We make tremendous success. Director Osborn just has a way, I suppose."

Masque: "Indeed he does."

Could Hand of Justice sound more like a love sick puppy? I mean really?

Hand: "Anyway, that led to a follow on the Widow and she led us to Maria Hill. Ex-Head of SHIELD turned petty fugitive on the run with some ridiculous hard drive of Stark's... well? What do you think? Doesn't look capable of causing all the trouble, does she?"

Masque: "Oh, I don't know about that. Maria Hill looks like the kind of woman capable of raising all kinds of hell if she set her mind to it."

She stands face to mask with Maria and if that's not a pep-talk then I don't know what is. That is definitely NOT Whitney Frost behind that mask. Sorry kids.

Back in Afghanistan, Tony is working on his computer to get the Iron Man going. He's inner monologuing and there's some Frankensteinesque unveiling action going on. But mostly, he's just getting sadder and it almost hurts to watch. It hurts so good! His narration is interrupted by his own bitching and complaining about how can't really do what he needs to do.

Tony Narration:Typing has become miserable. Let alone still trying to write code when I can't spell anymore.

Tony: "Dammit--c'mon. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete."

Tony Narration: I've double checked, and triple checked--

Tony: "And I think the compiler is ready to run. Get the right switches and--here goes nothing."

Tony Narration: The power surges. The machines think. And then...

Tony: "It's alive."

He stands face to face with the armor, the first gray armor that famously made him Iron Man, helped him escape imprisonment and this would be a good moment, I suppose. If it hadn't been dragged out so long. I mean, I see why it had to go for a year but this close to the home stress and I just want to see some action.

Tony narration: And it's all I have left. The Iron Man Mark Zero. The walking lung that saved my life. I built it with Yinsen and a box of scraps right here in this cave. Took it back to the States and improved it some--onboard O.S., lenses, heating and cooling systems, rudimentary repulsor weapons--and it still looks like an insanely cheap old special effect. Now it's the only Iron Man simple enough for me to operate. Good lord. A repulsor battery powerful enough--buried in a machine simple enough--to take me to the end of the line. The end of my mind. The final swipe deletion of everything I know, or ever knew, like a zeroed-out hard drive, no data left for Osborn to retrieve. No more mistakes left for him to exploit.

He muses about how he can't believe the old Iron Man even moved let alone saved his life, but now it's the key to the end of it all. He goes about unhooking it and then drops all of the cables on himself before collapsing and cursing himself for being so stupid.

Tony: "Okay, plug it in--repulsors are up and generating a big signature. Big signature means I'll be traceable. Repulsors are traceable. Okay. Okay. So before I get in the suit I have to upload the whosits into the--the thing into--into the typing--I gotta run the thing I typed into the--"

From behind there's a gunshot, Tony jerks being hit in the neckish area by... say it with me... the kids with missile luncher. They also have hand guns. Kids with guns, eh? Well done Fraction. And it's also a Gorillaz reference. You're good at this.

HAMMER OVERCOMPENSATION, somewhere over the pacific ocean:

So Flunky Walsh, who's the guy who ratted out Stark... and if I remember right, from way back in the first issue of this arc, the guy who was so glad to see Maria and Tony leave... has found: say it with me, Tony's repulsor tech signal in Afghanistan. Awesome. This guy is really trying to make himself relevant. His superior sends him up to have a little chat with Norman about having found Stark, and Norman gives him a little schpeal about getting promoted because he found Hill and God high-fiving him because he now found Stark, and he's one of them. He drank the HAMMER kool-aid that tastes like baby blood and Aqua Velva. Walsh doesn't really seem pleased.

Osborn: "I'll talk to your section chief. Make sure you get your thirty pieces of silver or whatever?"

Walsh: "My what?"

Osborn: "A joke, Walsh. Walk with me." Judas. You idiot. He's calling you Judas."

Walsh: "I--uh--"

Osborn: "Walsh, c'mon. I don't ask, I order. Now come. You're my guy, Walsh. My lucky rabbit's foot. Everything that was lost is now found through you. The second Stark leaves Afghanistan, Walsh. The second he enters a country we can hunt him in without the Pentagon going all LAPD on me, you let me know the second he's out of the US theater of war. See, they won't let me near their battlefields. So I'll be in the suit and airborne. I'll come down on him like two tons of pain."

Walsh yes sirs and understood sirs until finally: "Sir, is--sir... do you have--I mean due process international law, all that. Do you have authorization to muh--to murd--to terminate Stark with that degree of prejudice?"

No, Walsh. He doesn't.

Osborn: "Tony Stark is half-dumb and on the run in the Middle-damn-East, Walsh. I'm Norman Osborn. That's all the authorization I need."

Sealed with a creepy wink...

Back in the Gorillaz Music Video:

Tony Narration: And I'm thinking--I've been shot. And I'm thinking--I got blood all over my notes. All this before I say the words:

Tony: "Who the hell are you?"

The two kids stand there with a pistol trained on him. They respond to him in Arabic which is annoying because I can't even begin to translate that.

Tony: "Don't--don't shoot me again--okay? I just--Urdu was never my strong suit... even before I wiped half my brain out and got shot in the neck..."

The kids continue to yell at him in Arabic and he types on his computer while placating them with a talk the hand gesture. The kids keep yelling until the armor starts to translate what's being said.

Kids: "Stop it, Tony Stark. Stop typing. Stop with your hands."

Tony: "Okay. You know who I am. You've got the gun and you're not afraid to use it. Now tell me what you want."

Kids: "You're Tony Stark. The great warlord. The eternal angel of death." There's the title. "The infidel architect of Hell itself. Make me great. Make me a great man of war like you."

Tony is not pleased with this. He looks surprised by their words, and almost a little hurt. Clinging to his neck, he looks at the looming Iron Man in front of him before setting his jaw in determination and turning back to the kids with guns.

Tony: "I bet you won't even need the translation for this--"

He grabs the gun still in the kid's hands, pulling it under his chin and looking at them face to face.

Tony: "No. Now kill me or get the hell out of my workshop."

On the Helicarrier:

This needs no real introduction...

Osborn: "Tony Stark. No, no. Draw it out. Enjoy it. Tony Starrrrrk. Hnn. Again. Tonnny... Stark. Anthony... Stark. Stark. Yeah... try simple. Try... Tony Stark. Well well well. Tony Starrrrk. Starrrrrrk. Yes. Of course. Just say it like you mean it, Norman. Tony Stark. I'm going to kill you."

While Osborn is talking to himself like a cliche villain, Walsh is checking for Tony's signal to see when he leaves Afghanistan.

Back there, Tony glares the kids down and they don't make a move after his ultimatum.

Tony: "You're an idiot."

He takes the gun from the kid, punches him in the face and then trains it on the other one. He point it right at the kid's forehead as the kid backs up, terrified.

Tony: "Run."

He then proceeds to release the amo and toss the gun aside.

Tony: "The eternal angel of death forgives you."

He turns back to his work.

Tony: "Dammit. Bled on my stuff."

Your priorities are bigger than that right now, Stark! You're nearly brain deleted, you've been shot and you're worried about blood on your stuff? God, you're vain.

He gets suited up in the old armor and says to himself that this is it. The last mile. He blasts his way out of his lab.

Tony narration: I am Iron Man. And seven hours from Doomsday. Now I just hop I can get to Dubai and die quietly before Osborn can sic the whole of the Western hemisphere down on me...

Walsh is sitting at his terminal. He sees that Tony is on the move and prays that Ms. Hand of Justice isn't sitting at her terminal right now. He's hoping to God that he doesn't have to finish his decent into being Judas because he's misses SHIELD, remember? And he probably doesn't want to be "that guy" when Osborn inevitably loses his grip on the world. You know Walsh, you're kind of like a Nazi. When it all ends, you can tell the world you were just following orders...

See how that works out for you.

Meanwhile, Hand of Justice is not at her terminal, she's staring out the window longing for an out. At least, that's what I would be if I was Norman Osborn's personal assistant with a pseudo-punk red streak in my hair...

Off page HAMMER Flunky: "Ms. Hand? Before we destroy the find, we need your order to do it. Director Osborn has ordered all exo-mechanical suits to be--"

Hand: "Do it."

Off Page HAMMER Flunky: "When we sifted the wreckage of the Stark lab in Russia, we came across this suit. It's an old Crimson Dynamo, we think. And--and it's making a sound, ma'am. From inside. We've scanned it for--for everything--bombs. Traps. Any kind of anything and... and we wanted you to be here to see what's inside. Whatever that may--"

They slice the armor open with a laser down the middle and pry it open to reveal a brunette woman sitting up from the smoking wreckage. Hand of Justice reacts the same way that everyone does to Whitney Frost's maskless face, with a little throw up in her mouth.

Whitney: "She took my mask! Stark's wench! Stark's wench took my mask--!"

Cue Not!Masque running down the hall. By a show of hands, who isn't surprised that Potts is the one behind the mask? Yep, that's everyone. So Not!Masque stops in front of Maria's room where she's sitting on the floor cross-legged and rather smug looking for a captive. Maybe she's getting some of her sane back.

Maria: "We finally gonna get shot, or what? I could kind of use the rest. Ever since SHIELD became HAMMER and I got fired I don't have any health care and I've been having these real bad dreams lately..."

Not!Masque: "Hill... shut up."

She takes off the Masque that also apparently has an attached wig, to reveal Pepper Potts. And there's a resounding silence of not being surprised. Though, I'm not surprised, I actually liked the fact that Pepper has her own set of balls now and could kick Whitney's crazy ass. Like I really do. Make her something other than Tony's assistant and sometimes love interest with a dead husband. She got a taste of Hero in the Order and she likes it. Go Pepper!... just stop making out with Tony. It kills your cred.

Maria: "Pepper Potts? Seriously? Tony Stark's secretary?"

Personal assistant. They are vaguely different.

Maria: "I honestly don't know who Osborn is going to kill first..."

Natasha: "Now that you've infiltrated Osborn's headquarters completely alone, do you have an exfiltration strategy or--"

First of all, it's not like Pepper doesn't know this place like the back of her hand since she only worked there. That and has worked for Tony most of their adult lives. But you know, lets not give credit where credit is due or anything like that.

Pepper: "Who said I came alone?"

In Osborn's hall of stolen armors, Iron Potts activates with JARVIS:

JARVIS: "JARVIS online. Solar power reserves at 10%. Rescue rebooting. Please stand by. Uploading virus into HAMMER mainframe. Virus uploaded. Virus unpacking."

Elsewhere, the Iron Patriot stands ready to leave, while I puke in my mouth at the site of it.

Osborn: "Something's wrong. Dammit, what just... Walsh, are you there? Where is Stark going? Walsh? Where the hell is he? I'm flying blind."

Walsh: "I, uh--Roger that, uh, Director Osborn, he--there's a thing--technical thing here and I can't--that is to say, uh, Tony Stark is--is--he's going toward Pakistan--going east, sir. I can manually lay in a course for you from here."

Walsh regrets his choice and buries his face in his hands.

Iron Patriot takes to the air, after Tony's trail.

Osborn: "At last. Tony Stark dies today."

One more issue kids....

See you October 21st.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #17

2009-09-29T13:09:00.002-05:00

Previously on Tony Stark: ZOMG like the end of the world! Tony got his ass handed to him by Whitney and beat a hasty retreat to Afghanistan. Pepper stayed behind to battle Whitney and her fucking crazy self. Maria was still off her rocker and Natasha went to explore the contents of the harddrive, only to unintentionally rat herself out.

So this is where it gets better right?

Invincible Iron Man #17: Ashes and Snow

Still in goddamn Russia:

Fire and snow, hey, look there's the title. Madame Masque, bloody and disheveled pulls the Iron Potts armor through the snow. She stops when she finds her discarded communicator on the snow in front of her. Through this she connects with Osborn and has a conversation that lead me to believe that Fraction, trying to keep a secret (but not really succeeding) that Pepper is wearing Madame Masque's mask. And apparently has scalped her for it. Ew. Why would you put that on your head, unless of course you're sick and twisted, or in a Tarantino movie...

Masque: "Hello? Come in? It's Masque. it's Madame Masque."

Osborn: "Ms. Frost. Nice of you to return a call."

Masque: "I was busy."

Osborn: "Busy getting me good news, I hope."

Masque: "Win some. Lose some. Stark escaped. He had plans and traps in place and--"

Osborn: "And you failed."

Masque: "Yes but... but Potts is dead."

Osborn: "Really?"

Masque: "With my own hands, Norman, with my own hands."

Osborn: "Well, I'm thrilled, clearly, but she wasn't exactly a thorn in my paw."

Masque: "I'm not finished. Potts is dead and I recovered her suit."

Osborn lets out a weasel laugh heh, because he's a jerk, and he looks out the Venetian blinds in "his" office. Really? You're in a state of the art architectural and technological marvel of a building, built and designed by Tony Stark... and you're using Venetian blinds? Really?

Kazakhstan

I could make Borat jokes, but I won't because that's so three years ago.

Tony hitches a ride in the back of a pick up truck now with a nice growth of chinstrap beard and matching mustache... last time I checked you had to trim it to get that full effect so... there's something either wrong with the art or with the art direction. I really don't think a guy who shaved everything off was thinking, "Oh when it grows back and I'm barely able to write my name, I've gotta remember to trim". But then again, I'm no man.

So Tony's hitched a ride to a town where he finds an Internet public use hub. He goes to a terminal and proceeds to write the following email that played over the panels of this two pages and a half pages. When Tony is finished, he plays the knitting ladies behind the counter and leaves, hitchhikes through the snow again. The Email, is as follows, typed exactly as it is in the comic pages:

"To: maria.hill@shield.gov
From: calicomom63@gmail.com

Dear Maria,

I do not remember how this email thing works so I hope this works. I am in Kazikstan and trying to get to Afgahnistan. It is real cold but I'm trying my best to stay warm. Good news I can still read cyrillic. My spelling is not so great anymore but I still have chunks of langages in my head. I hid the suit and folowed the sund of signals until I foud internet in this little town. Madam Mask found me and Pepper in the lab here and we fought. It was bad. And I left her to fight her. I ran away and I feel reel bad about it but she was probably right. I know she will be ok but still. I am not used to that kind of behaver. Captain America would not leave a man behind would he? I feel I have to confess to cap when I see him again. I am writing to see how you are doing. I do not rumember what it was you are doing but I know it is reel important. It is harder and harder to remember some things like that. Maybe the more recent things I think. Maybe. I wish I cud study what was going on better. Anyway I feld gilty and wanted to make sure you were ok. I am off now I should leave before somebody finds me.

Stay safe Maria Hill. Stay alive.

Love, Tony."

So recap within the recap: WOOWOO, HERE COMES THE PLOT TRAIN: Tony is forgetting how to spell, and then remembering again, which is almost sadder than him completely forgetting. And he doesn't remember that Steve is dead. Good-bye, Plot train. It was nice seeing you again.

Tony gets set in his armor, setting a course for Afghanistan. With an estimated arrival time of nine hours and nine minutes, he decides to pass the time with the soothing sounds of Introduction to Electrical Engineering, audiobooks.

Imagine my awful Minnesotan accent when I say, Oh jeez.

New York:

Maria is asleep and awoken by the sound of her cellphone going off. Probably the alert of Tony's email. She tells it to shut up and then gets up, peeking out the door. She grabs a knife and goes into the other room, sneaking up behind Natasha, who's bent over the computer looking at the monitor screen. She reaches back and nails Maria in the throat with her elbow, then wanks her backwards and takes the knife from her hand.

Natasha: "Hill! Dammit! It's me, Natasha!"

Maria slumps against the fridge, holding her throat.

Natasha: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Maria: "Heard--heard someone--hhk didn't know--sorry--"

Natasha: "Who the hell else would it be, Hill? Hmm? At the meet tonight, if you hear a car honk somewhere, will you stab Captain America in the neck? Or pop me in the back of the head twice? Pull yourself together, Hill. This is it. This is for everything. You screw this up... and all of HAMMER will come down on us."

I really don't think that Maria could take Captain America, at least not enough to get near his neck with a knife. Now, if she'd pop you in the back of the head twice, I wouldn't mind it so much. Stop kicking Maria while she's down, man. You were so tender with her last month, what's your fucking deal? Maybe she read the Maria/Natasha fanfic that has inevitably been written...

~~SHIELD~~HAMMER Helicarrier:

Osborn greets Dmitri in Russian and unfortunately I don't speak Russian and I don't have Russian characters on my keyboard so we just have to guess it was some fake polite greeting since its Osborn and the last time they spoke, Dmitri displeased him. We all know what happens when Osborn is displeased...

He cranks some Limp Bizkit and pouts while he breaks things.

Osborn: "This is a courtesy, Colonel, informing you that HAMMER has critical business on Russian soil. As I'm sure you've been notified, we're already in Russian airspace and expect to have boots on the ground in--Ms. Hand?"

They expect to have boots on the ground in Ms. Hand of Justice? That's inappropriate, even for you Norman...

Ms. Hand: "Seven minutes."

Osborn: "Seven minutes."

Dmitri: "How dare you! This is an act of aggression against the Russian people and--and--and--on whose authority do you--under what orders--"

Osborn: "Colonel, we have immediate and actionable intelligence suggesting that a Chechnyan splinter cell is about to purchase fissionable materials from a disgruntled ex-Soviet militia group. You let me clean up my mess, and I'll tell you where and how to clean up yours. Go stop an A-bomb, Colonel. Save a couple million people. Be a hero. All I want is Stark."

Dmitri swears in Russian and Osborn goes on about how he's going to go ahead on in and clean things up, then leave nice and quiet like they'd never been there, before ending the conversation. He almost hits Ms. Hand of Justice in the face as he stretches and fake yawns, and I wonder why she puts up with this crap. The sex must be really great. He then tells her to fabricate some people for Dmitri to arrest.

As for Colonel Bukharin, he sits alone in his dark room, wherever that is, pouring two shots of vodka. One for himself, and one for the absent Tony Stark. This part, choked me up.

Dmitri: "Ahh, Tony. I am sorry, my old friend. So so sorry. Long may you run, Tony Stark. Za vas!"

He raises his glass to toast him.

The helicarrier shows up and scoops up Madame Masque and the Iron Potts.

Meanwhile in the bowls of the helicarrier, some stupid flunky ass from Data Mining in ~~SHIELD~~HAMMER finds the signal from Tony's email. It's enough to rise suspicion with thirty-eight key word hits and the address of zero send history, that and it was sent to Maria Hill. The other guy, Jonesy, tells him to take it to Hand of Justice, and he does, but not before he laments about missing SHIELD. We all miss SHIELD, fucknuts.

He takes it to Ms Hand of Justice who... has the strangest office ever. Like, it's huge with nearly nothing in it. She's got a lamp in the far corner. A couch against the wall, A desk in the middle and a file cabinet hutch thing behind it. One picture on the wall. Her desk has nothing on it but a computer and a desk light. Ms. Hand of Justice is a very very lonely woman, I imagine.

So he relays the information to Hand of Justice, who talks to him like a dominatrix, telling him to speak or leave and when he can go. Why does she have that dumb red streak in her hair? She looks tarded. It's not fun or funky, it's just... sad. So the guy leaves and runs into another flunky who asks if Hand sent him packing to Antarctica, implying that he seems down. He replies:

Flunky: "I think I just ratted out Tony Stark."

And now he feels like a jerk. Well he should. DIAF.

Iron Man is flying through the sky.

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

Tony is asleep in the armor, and it's almost adorable because you know it's just not because he's half retarded in that armor. Poor, sleepy, special Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you hadn't done it to yourself. You're really going to be in a world of hurt when those kids with that missile launcher go all GTA 4 on your ass and shoot you out of the sky in 3, 2, 1..

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes vol--

The warning systems in the armor wake up Tony but not soon enough for him to get out of the way. The missile hits him, he goes down like a friend of Dick Cheney's and crashes in the desert rock below. He escapes the armor, mostly unscathed by emergency evac and then climbs out before collapsing to his knees beside the broken shell of armor. I can't tell if he's covered in oil or blood or both.

Now, I do feel bad for Tony.

New York City:

Maria and Natasha both dressed in black widow outfits (and perpetuating Tony Stark's inner fantasies... if he still has any...) are staking out the meet location on top of a roof.

Maria: "Looks okay."

Natasha: "It looks completely and totally devoid of any human activity at all. Which looks a little suspicious to me. When Cap comes he'll have his own route, his own system. His own surveillance. If he thinks we've been rumbled, he'll take off."

Maria: "Right."

Natasha Potts is making Bucky a lot more epic than he actually is I think. She's treating this whole situation like he's God or the President or something, and that's simply not the case. We get it, every one's in hiding and Norman Osborn wants to smite you with the power of... Ares... so you gotta be low key about this, but really? Natasha Potts has delusions of grandeur about her boyfriend.

And I'm not even going to get into the logic here, because clearly Maria isn't gunning to turn you guys in for not registering and she's coming to you on order from Tony who clearly has... fuck it.

Natasha: "So all we can do is cover our own bases, right? Sweep he location and, if any thing's off, we bail, right?"

Maria: "Yeah."

Natasha: "Can you keep it together?"

Maria: "I can keep it together. It's not the job I don't know how to do anymore."

Natasha: "We're about to win, Hill. And then we'll get you back."

Natasha Potts tenderly strokes Maria's cheek and it is here I decide that they have the most bipolar relationship in the world. Weren't you just ripping her a new one a few pages ago? You know what, forget it. I fucking hate you Natasha Potts. Enjoy being ScarJo.

Maria and Black Widow flip around on roof tops and then Natasha goes ahead leaving Maria on look out. Maria sees what they don't want to have. HAMMER is waiting for them, she sees a hand sticking out of a door.

Maria: "Oh no. No no no--please, no--"

The HAMMER guys inside the van are listening in to what she's saying.

HAMMER Flunky: "She goes, "oh no, no no no, please no." That's it--all stations, Hill has made us--go go go."

Natasha Potts get held at gun point by the bad guys, but she's more concerned about well, Maria. Maria watches.

Natasha: "Hill. Hey! I'm over here! I'm over here!"

Maria: "Nat, I'm so, so sorry--"

Maria gets caught by a group of HAMMER guys who also take her. The HAMMER guys are ready to shoot Natasha Potts, but are told to hold fire so they just haul her in with them. From another rooftop, Captain America watches this shit go down. You only see him as a faceless shadow before he's gone. Well, Bucky, you've been very helpful. Or maybe it isn't Bucky... maybe it's Steve. Bwahahahaha... oh, that's only in my dreams.

Back at Norman Osborn's over-compensation for his tiny penis, known as the Helicarrier:

Osborn: "Kind of a good news-bad news thing, eh? Way it goes, I suppose. I just--walk me through this one time--because I just don't understand how Tony Stark could've gotten away. What with your...history...I'd assume he was your first priority."

Masque: "There was fighting. And there were explosions. And then fire. It was confusing and... I did my best. My feelings about Tony--about Stark--never played into it. There was a third party involved and--and there were complications. I failed. I killed Potts and recovered her suit but that wasn't my mission. I failed."

And you are not convincing me that you're Madame Masque, by any means. You're not convincing Osborn either because he's sneaking up from behind the way all good creeper rapist bad guys do. He's getting in position to choke her as she turns away.

Masque: "He can't have gotten far."

Osborn: "I know."

Masque: "He's losing... he's losing intelligence. You can see it. Sense it in him. He's not all there anymore."

Osborn: "So you spoke with him then."

Masque: "I... yes, briefly."

Osborn: "But you didn't capture him."

Masque: "No. There were--"

Osborn: "Complications. You said a third party. Or whatever your excuse was... It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does."

And as Osborn comes in for the kill, Ms. Hand of Justice busts into the scene. Saved by the useless assistant!

Hand: "Director Osborn!"

Osborn: "You forget how to knock, Ms. Hand, or--?"

Hand: "Norman, shut up for one second please--we just caught Maria Hill."

Wait... so they are fucking, or are we supposed to believe that she can just tell Norman Osborn to shut up? So she is his Potts then? But with fucking. Got it.

Down in the Hall of Armor, two flunky morons mess with the Iron Potts, and make your mom jokes. Well that's an annoying end.

Two more issues.

Just a little FYI

2009-08-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

Just so y'all know, I'm working wedneday till close so I won't get the recap up until Thursday afternoon!

It will be done, just delayed.

Thanks.

invincible Iron Man Issue #16

2009-08-05T18:11:00.001-05:00

When last we left TONY FUCKING STARK GETS PWNED: Tony was exactly that, pwned. He and Pepper were at the mercy of the always crazy Whitney Frost aka Madam Masque. So that's fun. Masque also ditched her connection with Osborn, and Maria finally convinced Natasha Potts to help her... even though Natasha Potts is still convinced Maria is crazy...

If you think Maria's Crazy, go to Russia and talk to Whitney... sheesh.

Invincible Iron Man #16: Titan of the Nuclear Age

Russian Federation
Kirensk:

We open on the bunker that Tony and Pepper were hanging in - remember from last issue when Tony was playing lumberjack? Well the big hole in its side is from Madam Masque busting in, then down the hall way to where Whitney is still straddled over Tony's lap while he tries not to puke as she takes off her mask. Pepper is still half passed out in the corner from the beating she took. The art is... looking better...ish.

Whitney: "So pay attention: When I look in the mirror I want to scream. I see waste and horror. And I suspect I see something monstrous on the outside that matches something monstrous within. I see the ruins of a little girl you played like a fiddle and threw away. Look at what I used to be and tell me what you think, Tony my love. Now that you can't like anymore, tell me that you don't see the exact same thing."

Panel of Pepper looking so annoyed she's about to retch. Me too, Potts. This girl has got some shit twisted doesn't she? As I recall, Tony just sort of accidently killed her dad... who never really stayed dead... but like, her dad was a bad guy so... whatever. The point is, Whitney has some serious issues.

Tony: "Whitney. You're mentally ill." The nuttier the sluttier, that's what I've been saying all along. Tony likes his women a straight jacket away from a padded cell . "You are very seriously mentally ill. Your father raised you to be a criminal mastermind. There are no other words for it. He made you in his own awful image." Does that sound familiar? Without the criminal part... hey, Tony... when are your daddy issues going to come up? "You survived a plane crash and were horribly disfigured." For those who tuned in late. "And your father, capable of doing so much with technology, preferred to find new ways to commit crimes rather than heal you. You're emotionally unstable and fueled by guilt and rage and paranoia. careening from one awful decision to the next looking for..."

This ends todays therapy session with Dr. Tony Stark: Psycho-babbling his way through one relationship to the next!

Tony continues as Whitney removes her mask completely and looks down at him pinned on the ground.

Tony: "I don't know, absolution maybe? And in spite of your--accident--in spite of your condition... I loved you. We were killing each other, but I loved you."

Whitney: "Oh Tony. Tony, I knew it. I always knew it." Then why are we even in this situation? Wasn't that the point of this? For him to prove it... but you already knew so...

Pepper agrees, this is completely overkill as Whitney continues to babble on about how she loves Tony and Tony says nothing. Pepper says it's torture and you know what? I agree with her and I'm pretty sure Tony does too, lying there on his back like a helpless caged animal. It makes me think of Tiny Toons with that little Elmyra Duff girl who was always torturing animals with her "love" but really she was destroying their windpipes when she hugged them. Yeah. That's Whitney Frost all right.

She continues to drone on about how she's sort of seeing someone but it's cool because they could run away together and could be like love fugitives or something stupid like that, as the Iron Potts comes to life. Pepper's looking at Tony first, who has this look on his face like "get her the fuck off me... anything is better than this... sex with Namor is better than this!" as the armor is getting ready. Tony, you make a good distraction for the crazy lady so just go with it, alright? Now that the Iron Potts is getting in gear and ready, Pepper looks determined in her annoyance.

Whitney: "Two lovers on the run from the world determined to crush them. C'mon Tony-- that sounds absolutely amazing. You and me against the world."

Vomit.

New York, Garment District:

Make it work!

MARIA HAS A SNUGGIE (or a Slanket for you in Europe)! No... it's just a sheet, god how I wish it was a Snuggie. Nothing spices up a good story like a Snuggie around a fugitive. She could be warm and run from Osborn! Well, except that her ass would be hanging out... details details... just imagine that? No way anyone would believe she's not crazy... not only has she lost enough self respect to wear a Snuggie, but that's... all she's wearing. So much potential there, Crazy Maria.

Wait, hold up--Maria's in her not!Snuggie and Natasha Potts is decked out in her leather Black Widow digs... what do you think happened here? Bow chica bow wow.

Jokes aside, Maria's not answering her phone.

Natasha Potts: "You gonna get that, Hill?"

Maria: "No. I haven't--It's mine, y'know? mine. Anybody calling it or whatever are people I know from...from the outside. From my real life. 82 Voice mail. A couple hundred emails. And I don't have a single damn thing to say. He was in my head. He was inside of me. All my life, everything I ever fought for, everything I ever did--The Controller just stuck a thing on the back of my neck and took it all away. What the hell could I possibly say to Aunt Rosemary about that? 'Hi Aunt Rosemary, I know what it's like to be dead..'"

Natasha Potts is like ... and in a way I have to feel really bad for Maria here. She's hunched over the kitchen table, wrapped in a blanket and basically lost. No on really stops to think that she was just as fucked as Stark because no one wanted to care. Well, I care and she is in a bad way. She got completely screwed and the people who should help her probably won't. And I think Natasha Potts is kind of noticing that too, even if she won't admit it. Or maybe the compassion on her face is just because she's drawn too much like Pepper.

Natasha Potts: "You really know how to inspire confidence in your fellow fugitives, Hill."

Okay, maybe not. She's just drawn too much like Potts.

Maria: "The hell is that supposed to mean? You don't know what I went what I went through back there."

She gets up from the table and starts losing her shit on Natasha, and I think well within her rights here. Go Maria. I'm totally on your side here. Natasha's just bitter because Scar Jo is playing her in Iron Man 2 and more than likely any following movies with Natasha in them.

Natasha Potts: "You're right. I don't. You've not been able to coherently explain your--"

Maria: "Hey! Don't judge me! Recovery doesn't have a timetable, Natasha!"

Natasha Potts: "That's too bad because I'd love to recover my I.D. that you blew and put us both on the run--"

Maria: "He was in my head! I got beat! And then everything was riding on me and I can't shake him off--"

Natasha: "Okay, Hill-- this is the deal and I'm not debating it. I will not endanger Captain America--Bucky--one whit. Time is at a premium and you're shattered. We don't have the time to put you back together again gently. We're going to go through with the rendezvous tonight as though you still were the most gifted agent of your generation. Because you were once and, somewhere in here, I know you still are. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust you to be you. The second you blow it, I'm dust and you hang. Pull it together, Hill, or the world loses and Osborn wins."

With a peptalk like that who could resist. I love you spy girls, you get so bitchy with each other like lioness fighting over the alpha male. It turns me on... too bad Natasha Potts is not even remotely physically or emotionally attractive to anyone but Bucky these days.

Avengers Tower:

Osborn is working on the Iron Patro--gag--Iron Patriot. It's not going well I'd imagine by his repeated use of the word Dammit. Osborn has realized that his armor is inferior to Stark's because he's missing something. Well, duh. A brain? Oh wait... is it... charisma? No no... the point is your armor sucks Osborn and you're not a good Iron Man. So maybe you should just stop.

He does, briefly to check in with Masque in Russia. Who doesn't reply. Osborn seems worried. Maybe he likes them nutty and slutty too. Menace will not be pleased if you try to tap Whitney while she's carrying around your bebe.

He resigns himself to Whitney being fine and if she needs help she'll ask for it.

Speaking of Nutty sluts...

Back in Russia Whitney is still talking about how she and Tony are meant to be and for a brief moment in the middle panel you can see the disfigured face underneath the mask. Tony is so not down for any of this, and the Iron Potts is going to put its head on. Whitney says that Tony was never afraid to look at her because they are exactly alike. Tony looks disgusted maybe it's because she's insinuated he's ugly, or maybe it's because he's gotten another gander at the Ultimate Butherface (everything's hot but her face) or...oh I got it SHE'S TRYING TO PUT HER MASK ON HIS FACE!

Gross... think of all the disgusting cooties that are on that thing.

Whitney: "I'll show you just how much we're alike, Tony. We match, you and I."

Tony: "No--Whitney, don't-"

Whitney shushes him and puts the mask on his face, while the headless Iron Potts rummages around for the helmet head. Seriously, if this wasn't a tense moment in the comic it would be hilarious.

Whitney: "There, you're perfect now. Just like me."

Tony looks fucking ridiculous with that mask on his face. No joke. But it might be an improvement to the way Larroca has been drawing him.

Tony: "Whitney. You're ill. You need help. You--"

Whitney: "You are all I need, Tony. You're all I ever needed. Tony, I love--"

Tony: "Whitney? What?"

Damn Whitney is so insane. So while I sit here and hum Ben Folds "Bitch Went Nuts" the rest of the scene starts to make more sense. Seriously, Tony? Your taste in woman is seriously fucked up. IF you survive this (And if you heard about or went to the Dark Reign or Mondo Marvel Panels at SDCC, chances are he won't) you are like on a strict dating embargo until you learn how to not pick crazy women. Seriously, man. How many more of these can you take?!

Crazy Pants Madam Masque or CPMM, catches the reflection of the Iron Potts assembling itself in the mask. She then decides to start getting armed and dangerous again. Thankfully, she puts her mask back on and stops freaking everyone out with her butherface or at least freaking Tony out by making him wear it. How long do you think it's been since she washed that thing? She rambles about how many times can he break a girls heart and then says the best line in the issue:

Whitney: "If I can't have him, no one will you little ginger trollop--"

Seriously? Who the fuck says trollop anymore besides maybe Steve Rogers (who's not dead if you haven't read Reborn. He's in Time, lost in Time... whooohoo they have the Plot Train over there!)

CPMM shoots at Pepper and Tony tries to kick her down, which he does and the bullet misses Pepper and hits the Iron Potts in the 'where her nipple would be'. Pepper shouts at Tony that she's still got the-- but is cut off by CPMM screaming YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM at her. Though, no where did I ever see anything about Pepper wanting him in this entire issue. I mean sure, they've had some questionable moments of possible hanky panky but nothing really... substantiated other than a couple of smooches. Who doesn't smooch their boss now and then? I make out with mine--

Iron Potts gears up for action, defending Pepper from the bullets by shooting repulsors at them, an unfair advantage but who cares. Whitney has crazy on her side.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts. Solar Reserves at 6%. Please stand by."

Whitney's response is to kick Tony in the face, which, okay. And then she drags him up holding a gun to his chin. He's apparently stuffed himself full of cheeseburgers or something between panels because he's gotten immensely more obese in the face. Iron Potts is trying to untie Pepper at this point and this moment actually gets tense.

Whitney: "Dammit, Tony--Decide, right now. Me or her? live or die? Make up your mind. Me, Tony?"

Pepper addresses the Iron Potts and Whitney moves her gun to Tony's temple.

Pepper: "Don't--stop untying me--you don't have enough power to--"

Whitney: "If you choose me, I'll let her live. She'll walk out of here alive. But if you choose her--"

Tony: "Her. it's always been her."

Iron Potts shoots off the restraints on Pepper's wrists. Whitney turns the gun and shoots at a barrel of something, probably gas of some kind. judging from the way she threatens and the explosion that follows.

Whitney: "I hope you die. I hope we both die."

Pepper: "Don't--"

Explosion. Whitney gets blown away, Tony gets knocked back, and Iron Potts covers Pepper like every good armor should do. Nicely done, Iron Potts/JARVIS. For some reason, Tony yells for Whitney. Maybe he's yelling at Whitney... but since he's apparently restrained (I don't recall him being so before) he can't angrily shake his fist in the air.

Maria's in the shower when she starts having flashbacks to the Controller getting his disc in her neck. She starts panicking, freaking out. SHe screams no before tangling herself in the shower curtain and falling out of the shower, screaming. Natasha Potts bursts in to rescue her.

Maria: "No no no--"

Natasha: "HILL!"

Maria: "I'll kill you, I--"

Natasha: "Maria! Maria Hill! Maria, snap out of--"

I have to note that Natasha Potts looks a bit more like Scar Jo now, hm. Fuck that. Anyway, so Maria's on the floor wet and terrified as Natasha who no longer looks like Potts, bends down to help her. She ends up holding Maria who curls up a soaping scared dog in her lap. It's actually really touching and made me choke up a little. Poor Maria.

Maria: "I--oh--oh, no. Nat, I'm so sorry. I--He's in my head."

Natasha: "It's okay."

Maria: "I can't get him out of my head."

My Internal Mike Rowe comes back to narrate again!

Narration: She goes down with the help of a few pills and twenty-eight minutes of controlled breathing. All this mess, thinks the Black Widow. All this mess better be worth it.

Maria is asleep, with a bottle of pills beside her and this art is actually really pretty. Maria looks so delicate and so fragile and actually really beautiful in this panel as she sleeps and crazy dreams play in her head. At least, that's my best guess. Natasha watches Maria sleep before she starts to snoop around in the backpack Maria brought, taking a picture of the hard drive on what I guess is a blackberry of some kind and then sneaking out of the room.

Natasha narration: I can't believe she's--all this damage and drama over this. Doesn't look like any input ports I'm familiar with. Wonder what's on it. Proprietary Stark stuff, I bet. Still--I'd like to know just what exactly is causing me all this trouble. Aside from Maria Hill. Sleep tight, crazy lady. I'm gonna go see a guy about this drive of yours. try not to burn the house down while I'm gone.

Meanwhile in a burning inferno that used to be Tony's lab:

Pepper is crawling over to Tony, who's unconscious on the ground (and no longer tied up... make a choice and stick with your fucking continuity, jesus). The place around them is a blaze. Tony's down for the count which is just typical of him isn't it? She gets to him and cups his face in his hand, he has a head injury that's bleeding rather.. profusely from the drawing and he's barely managing to get his shit together. When Whitney attacks!

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, wake up--! Tony!"

Tony: "Peh. Pepper."

Pepper: "Tony, are you--"

Tony: "Pepper?"

Pepper: "Are you okay? Can you--?"

Tony: "She shot you?"

Pepper: "At me. It's okay. Rescue had a little bit of--"

Tony: "Rescue?"

Pepper: "My suit. It's what I named--"

Tony: "Right, right. Okay. Rescue."

Pepper: "She had a little reserve power and JARVIS was able to--"

CPMM comes out of no where and starts an epic battle royale with Pepper. Seriously, these two throw down while Tony lays there dazed from his head injury. Not to self: Head wound plus brain delete equals bad news bears. Pepper holds her own pretty well too, even as Whitney talks all crazy saying she doesn't love Tony like she does and all this other stuff. Pepper tells her to shut up and flips her onto her back. Pepper tackles MM and throws a punch, telling her to hold still. MM fires her guns and misses. That's when Iron Potts gets involved!

JARVIS: "Ms. Frost... I believe Ms. Potts gave you a direct order. Solar reserves at 3%"

Iron Potts pins Whitney to the wall, while Pepper crawls away to check on Tony. He says his head hurts, well duh, and she tells him not to move. He can't because of his head.

Whitney: "No-No no no you will not keep me from him. You will not--"

Pepper: "Tony...Tony.."

Tony: "We gotta get out of here. Get out of here. Run as far--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's not me--it's you."

Tony: "What?"

Pepper: "You have to go. Get in your suit and get out of here."

Tony: "Pepper, I'm not leaving you."

Pepper: "Tony, you couldn't leave me if you tried. But this--all of this--is going to be for nothing if she, or Osborn, get their hands on you."

Tony: "Pepper, I--"

Pepper: "Tony. Tony, you've been training me for this for a long time now, and I'm telling you--I'm ready. After all the times you've saved my life over the years... Tony, please: let me save yours."

Tony and Pepper kiss. Whitney screams she's going to kill them and Pepper helps Tony suit up to make his escape. Tony is so clearly out of it it almost hurts to watch. They say good by and Tony takes off leaving Pepper there to battle Madam Masque and the burning building. This is actually really sad, but some of the art is gorgeous. I said it. Larroca has gorgeous art. The Iron Potts runs out of reserves and MM kicks it down and out of her way. The final Panel is Whitney and Pepper running toward each other with an epic blaze behind them.

Epic. Kind of.

New York, Ludlow Street.

Natasha talks to an annoying kid who lets her in after some force to talk to an elderly asian man who apparently lives in a wall. I'm not sure where that is going but he identifies the drive as definitely Stark tech and if anything drops off a van to help her crack it, he'll let her know. He calls her white girl a lot and I think this is just a set up for something later. He dismisses her quickly to do some work.

Tony's flying out of Russia, berating himself.

Tony narration: I left her. I can't believe I--you left her. You coward. Coward. Never should've left her. Never should have--stop, Tony. Stop it. She'll be fine. She can take care of herself. I can't believe you left her.

Tony, talking to himself: "Uh lay, in--lay in a course uh, to--to--uh, lay in a course to--Afghanistan. Shut up. Stop thinking. We're going to Afghanistan."

Slowly losing more of his mind, Tony barely lives to fight another day and heads back to "where it all began."

So I know that Fraction picked up the book with the intent of making it more, "new fans from the movie friendly" which is fine with me, but like... can't I just ask thing...?

IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVIE FANS FRIENDLY WHY CAN'T HE BE PRETTY LIKE RDJ?!

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #17

Only 3 issues left.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #15

2009-07-01T20:41:00.000-05:00

Last time in "Tony Stark Is So Fucked!" Tony met up with Dmitri the Crimson Dynamo and for his efforts received a loaner armor. Pepper found Tony but Tony nearly killed her. Madame Masque has them in her sights and was ready to pull the trigger. Maria found Natasha and Natasha was fucking out of there because she thinks Hill is crazypants. Oh the places you'll go...

Invincible Iron Man #15: The Danger We're All In

Russian Federation Kirensk

Pepper Potts is screaming her fucking face off because Tony is about ready to blow her ass to bits. She is not pleased. Tony finally realizes that oops, she is not the enemy and he probably shouldn't fire missiles into her face. Mostly, because that will get messy and he promised that he would return the Crimson Dynamo armor intact.

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, don't you dare! I've gone through way too much of your crap to die by you shooting me in the face in the middle of the damn Tundra!"

Ain't that the fucking truth. You could have a spin off comic based off the crap Pepper's had to deal with in her time working for Tony.

Tony: "Oh good lord--Pepper?!?"

Tony and Pepper are sitting in the snow, Tony took off his helmet and for some reason he resembles this guy I knew back in my swimming days named Brian Nagel. In fact, this is the first panel that foreshadows how Tony will look completely different from panel to panel in this issue, barely resembling the way he looked before. I thought he was deleting his brain, not morphing into a new person... is he getting extensive plastic surgery?

Pepper: "Thank God--"

Tony: "Pepper! Pepper, I'm so--the armor. Pep, I forgot about your armor--I'm sorry."

Pepper: "Shut up."

They share an armored hug in the middle of the snow, and it's kind of sweet if you don't think how uncomfortable that must be... to hug someone in the armor you're wearing. I doubt that either is really worried about comfort though, considering it's fucking snowing and it's the Tundra... but who am I to... forget I said anything about logic. There's an important Plot ahead. Here comes the Plot Train: woowooooo

Tony: "It's my mind, Pepper. I--"

Pepper: "It's okay."

Tony: "No, it's not okay. I forgot--I forgot I made it for you and--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's okay. It's--"

They kiss and there goes the Plot Train... until we meet again, keeping going up that hill. You think you can, I know you can, little Plot Train that could. I was fine with it when Pepper and Morphing Tony kissed the first time because it was a good-bye, end of the world, desperate kiss. I was fine with that because you know what? I would have done the same thing if I were either one of them. This situation is so not kosher. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! And Whitney Frost agrees as she hones in on them with her annoying self, and makes a huffing sound as if... she has some claim on Tony these days. Well, maybe in her own crazy head. The nuttier, the sluttier... right, Tony?

Whatever, so Pepper and Tony get up and talk about how ancient the Crimson Dynamo looks and then how they're going to the lab he built under the land where meteorite hit and all that as they walk hand and hand into the... white out. I was going to say sunset but you can't see the sun, just a hazy Russian winterscape... Madame Masque starts to target them more and decides Pepper will die before Tony. Probably so Tony can blame himself for something else.

New York, NY: Garment District

Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum bring the designers to--wait... oh I forgot, this isn't Project Runway, this is...never mind.

On the roof Natasha Potts or maybe Pepper Romanova decide to have words about how Maria is batshit crazypants. That's okay, I kind of like Batshit Crazy Maria. For the record, I hope Bethany Cabe doesn't enter this arc because then she'll look also like Pepper; all the red-heads in the Marvel Universe look exactly the same when Larroca ~~traces~~ draws them.

Maria is asking for help again and Natasha Potts keeps talking about how Maria is nuts and at this point this is all very boring. Natasha Potts accuses Maria of blowing Futurepharm just because it was Osborn's property and continues to call her nutty. Maria explains that she did it because of The Controller (who she doesn't name) and that she needs to find Bucky. Tony sent her for what's in her bag to give to Captain America and Osborn wants it. That sounds perfectly sane to me all things considered... if it was just some random guy on the street, I'd think he'd had too many puffs off the happy stick.

Natasha Potts, with her lopsided boobs, is not convinced. She thinks Maria looks sick and she's not making much sense. Maria, of course, knows she makes perfect sense and she's completely serious and needs help so painting a black widow was the best way to get attention. Natasha Potts calls her an idiot and tells her to basically fuck off because even if she is still a good guy, it's too dangerous to hand over Bucky to have coffee. Well, that's not what she was asking but... Natasha Potts jumps off the rough and tells Maria to seek help. Well, bye.

Back in Russia, Pepper is asleep and wakes up in bed...naked...

Pepper: "Mm. Tony? I fell asleep."

She sits up and looks around to find Tony sitting on a couch in this giant basement lab. He's nothing but a blurry "Beginning to draw: People!" form sitting there on the sofa. It's kind of an atrocity to see this. He appears to be writing something in a notebook, if you squint hard you can see it.

Tony: "You were exhausted. I thought it was best to--to--uh...yeah. Gimme one second."

Ouch. That's just painful.

Pepper comes and stands behind Tony, why did he put her to bed naked? That's just weird and sort of creepy Tony. Kind of like in Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart rescues Kim Novak from San Francisco Bay and then puts her to bed naked in his apartment. Like, it was totally because you were soaked not because I wanted to oggle your goodies, strange lady. I mean, I guess Pepper and Tony know each other-- so he's writing something and Pepper's looking over his shoulder to see what he's doing.

Tony: "Just, ahh--I'm leaving myself notes. Y'know for later." Like in Memento? Nicely done.

Pepper: "You've kept the secrets of the whole world in your head, and now you're jotting them down on Post-Its? Sloppy."

Tony: "These are hardly secrets. More like... like 'here's how to use a screw driver.'"

This panel makes Tony look like a weird skeleton man and it's probably the worst art I've seen in this arc so far. Worse than Fat Mexican Tony, worse than Josh Holloway traced Tony, worse then even Brian Nagel Tony from a couple pages back. It's like suddenly, for this one panel all of the shape and structure from his face was drained away. Seriously, it's hideous and I don't even think it's Tony except that he's wearing welding goggles on his head.

Pepper: "Is it... is it really that bad? Will it really get that bad?"

Tony continues to look at Pepper but this is the same fucking panel as the one just above Pepper talking, where Tony's all ghost face on everyone... but without the word bubble. Seriously, Larroca? Too busy tracing to give us one extra panel of a different look! Exact. Same. Panel.

Tony Stark will have a meltdown in three, two, one...

Tony: "It's all happening now. Chunks of stuff just...go. I can't remember any of third grade." I can't either Tony, third grade was really not that important especially when you're a genius pushing another decade older (I'm guessing based on some more recent stuff, Tony's about 38 or 39). "I can't remember the names of any particular cars. They're all just...'cars'. I have thirty-three cars all over the world but I can't remember a single name of a single one but I know I have thirty-three. I feel like I'm losing my super-powers, Pepper. I didn't remember I made you that suit until you spoke."

Poor Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you weren't doing this to yourself. You chose to do this and so therefore, while your breakdown kind of hurts my soul a bit, ultimately you're the one to blame. But it's still sad, watching him fall apart. Yet... aslo delicious because I'm sick and morbid that way. Um.. for some reason Pepper looks more chesty when she's naked then she has be--wait! Doesn't she have an arc reactor in her chest? No trace of that right now, whatsoever. Bad, Larroca. Bad, editors for letting that little fuck up slip.

But, tangent aside, Tony's still having a break down:

Tony: "It's like... okay. It's like guys--guys in my line of work--the Iron Man line of work, I mean, not the Stark stuff--there's always guys "losing their powers". There's a ray, or a spell, or an accident... it's a thing that happens, okay? And I'd always think--me, just being the guy in the suit he made in a cave somewhere--I'd always think--Oh no! Now you're just a normal person and isn't that the worst thing in the world. You're just like the rest of us now. I'm just like everybody else now, Pepper. I'm just... normal. And I hate being normal. I'm sorry, I be that sounded really awful and mean and condescending."

Tony leans forward and he's really just spent. It's hard having emotions again, isn't it Tony? It's hard knowing that you've failed... wait, when did I become anti Tony? I'm a Tony fan... but I just... well, I saw this one coming. I really did. And now, I kind of do feel bad for him. He's losing his super-power indeed and he didn't really... do anything to deserve it besides become too powerful. He wasn't really abusing that power so he doesn't really deserve this... so yes, now it is kind of sad.

Pepper: "We're all kind of used to it by now. It's okay."

They lean in to kiss again, I vomit on the page and flip it fast because STOP IT!!! Tony pulls her away and cups her face in his hands. He's connected to his auto-lobotomy suicide machine while all this goes on, by the way. My favorite part is the Crimson Dynamo sitting upright on the side of the couch behind him like a giant body pillow or something.

Pepper: "Tony, while I can still say it--and while you can still understand it--while it still means something--thank you."

Tony: "Hey--"

Pepper breaks down into tears and the two of them are still sitting there together. He still has her face cupped in his hands and he starts to wipe away her tears as she continues to talk to him about what she needs to say. I actually, kind of choke up during this part and... just to prepare you now... I broke down into tears coming up here soon. You were warned.

Pepper: "No, Tony, you--in spite of everything else--everything else--the highs and lows and all the rest--thank you. Thank you. For everything you ever did for Rhodey, and me, and Happy..."

Tony: "Hey. It's okay. It's okay..."

They sit together on the couch with Tony's head sort of resting on Pepper's shoulder while he's plugged into the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. There's silence and then as they pull away like this is a movie and about to fade to black, Tony and Pepper just shadows through a window... Tony asks:

Tony: "Who's Happy?"

Give me a few minutes while I finish sobbing and then I'll continue on with the recap...

Madame Masque prowls the tundra after Tony, calling him stupid and asking if he did this for love, to no one but her , and ignores Osborn trying to get her attention via her earpiece. She leaves the earpiece in the snow and keeps walking.

Now that I'm composed, we're back in New York where Maria is chasing Natasha Potts up a water tower and Natasha Potts is not amused anymore. In fact, she's a little confused and perturbed. She looks back at Maria who's gaining on her and well, she's nothing but persistent.

Natasha: "You gotta be kidding me--never were one for giving up, were you? Give up now, Maria. I said no and I meant it."

Maria doesn't listen. She keeps pursuing, which you know is either good or bad for her, I have yet to decide. A bolt of something fires at Maria and she loses her grip. I think Natasha Potts was jumping back down at Maria but it's not really clear but at this point Maria then tackles Natasha Potts and they go sailing through the air.

Maria: "Dammit, Nat--this is serious!"

They tumble to the streets below. Maria lands flat on a scafolding of some kind and Natasha Potts on a van, while some old lady calls HAMMER to alert them to costumed Al Qaeda super-terrorists committing suicide on her roof. LOL! Maria starts to get up while NP looks sore and irked by the fall.

Maria: "Stuh--Stop running and--and help me, dammit!"

Natasha Potts chooses instead to run, again. Why not just stop and talk to her longer than just run away, I mean I know you think she's bat-shit (believe me I'm with you) but seriously? Hear the woman out. You've always been such a bitch Natasha...Potts.

Natasha: "Maria! Take a hint."

HAMMER flying squirrels. Seriously these guys are dressed in costumes with gliders and they look like green flying squirrels. That's... dumb. Whatever, moving on. They're after Maria because, well obviously. Apparently they're the rapid response squad.

Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I like to pick wildflowers. On Wednesday I go shopping and hang around in bars!

Tony Stark: Beefcake with Wood. Not that kind of... well I'm sure he's got that kind. Instead, he's chopping wood in the wilderness of the tundra with a stupid flap hat and he's only missing the flannel. I don't know if I'm disturbed or turned on but I'm definitely amused. Poor Tony, you don't have people to get your fire wood for you anymore.

Narration: It wouldn't be the worst of lives, would it? Chopping wood. Mowing lawns. Paying bills. Catching colds. Just... being. These are the thoughts Tony thinks. This is the first he's ever thought a normal life could or would be anything but torture.

Tony takes the pile of wood back to the underground lab where... oh snap, someone's broken in. Well, done Tony. You've lead a bad guy right up into your shit. He goes inside calling Pepper's name as he goes, leaving the wood behind and losing his hat somewhere along the way. Inside, he finds Madame Masque with Pepper hooked up to... is that a car battery and some jumper cables? (BUT I'M NOT COVERED IN MOTOR OIL!) Oh look, she's go her arc reactor back... weird. Maybe it's removable... oh wait, IT KEEPS HER ALIVE!

Anyway, Whitney has Pepper's arc reactor hooked up to the jumper cables.

Whitney: "Tony. Hiiiiii baby. Don't you think it's time to stop this ridiculous charade?" You are not sexy.

Maria keeps chasing Natasha Potts. Okay, over it. Just... one of you needs to stop being an annoying butthead for five seconds. Seriously, a conversation would help instead of... never mind. I forgot I was reading Marvel Comics for a minute. Rational talk is non-existent or we'd have avoided the whole Civil War .

Maria: "Not gonna stop, Nat--I'm not giving--up."

Natasha Potts can apparently fly and bounds up the walls Spider-Man style toward another roof, leaving Maria to watch her go and become ambushed by the SHAMMER flunkies. (Get it, SHAMMER, because they're a sham? Ha! I crack me up). They inform Maria she is under arrest and Maria looks back up at Natasha Potts for help. This is some srs bsns.

Maria: "Shoot the bag! Don't waste anymore time just shoot the damn bag! I know you can still hear me just SHOOT IT!"

Natasha Potts peers down at her like "fucking what?" because she's still confused and convinced Maria is talking crazy talk.

SHAMMER Flunky: "Calm down, ma'am."

Maria: "Shoot the damn bag! Destroy it before they--"

SHAMMER Flunky 2: "Sir, look--! Up there--the other one--"

Natasha: "--Dammit--"

She shoots rope from her wrist brace, and lassos a very perplexed Maria before hauling her up to the roof with her bag o' tricks. Maria is clearly confused by Natasha Potts and her sudden change of heart, but she's not going to let it distract her from her task yet.

Maria: "I didn't--didn't think you trusted--"

Natasha Potts grabs her hand and they head off running, adding her two cents.

Natasha: "You clearly have an awful lot invested in that bag of yours. And you might be nuts but what can I say--you're my kind of crazy."

Maria/Natasha fics, start.... NOW!

Back in Russia, our lumberjack hero and his crazy masked ex-girlfriend...

Tony: "Whitney. Take it easy."

Whitney has Pepper tied up and jumper cabled and Pepper looks a bit annoyed and sort of Asian now in this panel. Or like the oldest kid in A Series of Unfortunate Events. But with red hair. And an arc reactor in her chest. Details.

Whitney: "I assure you, Tony--I'm not the one you need to worry about right now. I read your notes, darling. This one blacked out pretty early so I had some time. Memory decay, congnitive decay... you're losing your mind somehow, aren't you, Tony? Do you remember me, I wonder?"

Tony: How could I forget your crazy ass? "Whitney Frost. Madame Masque. Of course I remember you. Please--let Pepper go. I'll do anything you ask, just--I couldn't live with myself if I got her hurt. Please let her go."

Pepper comes to at this point. Apparently she was unconscious but that was hard to tell from the last panel because well, if I was tied up, I'd hang my head too, and the panel before she looked Asian not blacked out. Whitney electrocutes her because well, she's torturing her. And she's a bitch.

Whitney: "No. I'm going to torture her to death. I'm going to torture her to death and make you watch for what you did to me." Not only are you redundant, you're also redundant.

Pepper: "Oh--God--Oh--god--"

Tony's freaking out because well, he doesn't want to watch this shit. And who does?

Whitney: "I'll make it look like an accident somehow, I don't know. Resisting... well, not resisting arrest but something. Osborn will buy it. He'll be relieved really."

Tony's watching as Whitney holds an open and active wire toward Pepper's head. Pepper is hovering on the edge of consciousness and looking at Tony.

Whitney: "And I know I'll feel better. Always awkward having to run into one's exes, don't you think?"

Tony drops to his knees because now he's going to resort to the manly and hero-like act of begging. Well, when all else fails, why not beg. I guess. But then again, he doesn't have many other options.

Tony: "Please. Whitney, please. If I meant anything to you--if our time together meant anything to you, Whitney, anything at all--and I know I hurt you and I know I was awful to you--please. Let her go. Take me instead."

Whitney kicks Tony down onto his back and places her foot down in the center of his chest, staring down at him rather unimpressed and unmoved by his begging. I'm kind of with her on this one. That was sort of cliché and pathetic, Tony.

Whitney: "Shut up. Seeing you snivel and beg doesn't exactly get a girl's motor revved up. "If our time together meant anything to you." Listen to yourself. You sound like a joke. You sound like the kind of banal cretins we used to mock as the sun came up on the azores and the champagne finally ran out." She bends over and straddles him, leaning in so they're only inches apart, face to face. Tony's like... oh crap. "Can you lie anymore? Does that withering bit of magnificence that used to be your mind retain that ability?"

She sits up and starts to untie her mask. Pepper looks confused and almost pretty for the first time in this entire arc, even with blood all over her face. And the look on Tony's as he sits below Whitney, now without her mask, he actually looks okay too. Maybe Larroca had someone else do this for him...or he traced something better.

Whitney: "I doubt you can. I dolt myself you never loved me. That you used me and I let myself be used by you. That you never thought I was beautiful. Tell you what, Tony my love, now you can prove me right. Look me in the eye--look at my true face--tell me what you see, Tony. For once in your life, tell me what you really see when you look at me. Tell me what you really think, prove to me you weren't just using me. And the truth will set you--or your dear Ms. Potts--free..."

Oh, snap. Well played, MM. Well played.

Continued next month in Invincible Iron Man #16

Invincible Iron Man Issue #14

2009-06-17T19:37:00.000-05:00

When we last left Tony Stark World's Most Fucking Wanted, Yo: Tony was in France and took down the first in the list of lame rogues (Shockwave) and then collapsed into a puddle of his own blood. Pepper was given the third degree and ultimatums from Osborn, Maria got the harddrive and was legging the fuck out of Texas and Madame Masque was being released from The Hood flunkies to go out on her own to find Tony.

It can only go up from here right?

Invincible Iron Man #14: The Shape of the World These Days

Tony Stark is miraculously okay after we last saw him writhing in bloody pain on the floor of his shack apartment and back in the old school Iron Man . What the hell? Fine, you know what? I'm going to let this one slide and give Fraction the benefit of the doubt. Brain bleeds can totally be recovered from and are just signs of bigger issues. You get a pass for now... for now .

Tony narration: I keep moving. From point to point, place to place. Even I forget where, or why exactly for a second here and there... that's the one thought that hasn't left me yet.

Tony is flying over an icy landscape of mountainous landscape... well anyway, this can only be Russia. Arkhanglesk, Russia. Say that five times fast. Try it, really. I can wait.... As he flies it's over some hidden missiles that are ready to fire at will. Why? Because it's Russia. At this point another narration appears. That's right, the voice over narration. Why? Because Delete Brain is no longer a viable reliable narrator. Well, played Fraction.

Narration: The thoughts are flooding out of Tony Stark's head faster and faster these days, save for one. "Keep moving," he tells himself over and over again. Tony Stark's mantra. And so he keeps moving, even through places he shouldn't.

DON DON DOOOOOOOOON

Tony: "Uh Oh--" Spaghetti-Os!

Narration: The process of deleting his mind, one brain cell at a time, requires a power source only his repulsor-powered armors can provide him. Oh I get it. It's "For those who tuned in late" time. I see, I see. So, the winner takes home which fabulous prizes? With every wave of deletions, Stark loses a degree of complexity and sophistication to his mind. This has required the man to downgrade from simpler system to simpler system, tripping backwards down his own development history. And these simpler systems were made during simpler times.

Basically this is the summary Fraction gave Joe Quesada as Joe shoved his face full of cheeseburger and spilled ketchup on his greasy needs-to-be-washed XXXL Spider-Man t-shirt. It's the recap of what's going on for the slower readers who are sitting around going "So what's going on with Tony?"

As this all is being narrated Tony is having big state of the art Russian missiles fired at his ass. And his old suit is not quick enough to out run them or really shield him much from the blasts. This means of course, Tony Stark goes down without much effort from the missiles... not that... missiles have to use... effort.

Narration: They're all he can manage now. Unfortunately, the world has moved on.

Tony got pwned.

Narration: And as these hopelessly outdated machines try to keep him alive just a little longer, Tony Stark has to laugh. Because boy did he fuck up...He designed cutting-edge weapons for so long... that he managed to forget that the deadliest weapon of all was the one he was piloting. The Iron Man was always the most dangerous thing in Tony Stark's life. And one day it would be the death of him. Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Iron Man is in the snow, but thankfully in one piece. Well, we hope anyway. He moves to get up, comes face to face with the Crimson Dynamo. I always want to type that as Crymson Dynamo, but then I remember it's not piloted by a stripper named Brandi with an "I". So I refrain, or delete.

Tony: "Man that hurt. System? Hello?"

Systems rebooting

Tony: "Great. Take your time." Wasn't just shot up at missiles and on the run for me li--what was I talking about?

Incoming detected.

Tony: "What, agai--"

Crimson Dynamo: It's in brackets so that must mean it's Russian. "Wrong country, wrong suit. I don;t know who you are, comrade, and I don't care!" Oh clichés. "The Crimson Dynamo knows Iron Man and you-- brought down so easily--are no Iron Man."

Wow, Tony, you got told.

CD sort of descends onto Iron Man in sort of a... how shall I put this... looming over him in a Scary-in-the-1930s sort of movie way Eventually he picks up Iron Man and rips off his helmet, like he's a puny little creature.

Tony: "Dmitri--Dmitri, it's me--It's me, you damn bear--"

Dmitri: "I..Stark? Don't lie to me, friend--if you're not who you say you are--I'll tear more than your helmet off."

Tony: I shaved my head I shaved my head Dmitri don't kill me--I know I look different and I'm in the old armor and--don't tear my head off."

D'aww the way Tony looks at Crimson Dynamo would be adorable if it was drawn by someone who was halfway good at making people... look good. But instead we're stuck with a half-assed version of whatever look they were going for.

Dmitri: "Tony! I so sorry I fire missiles at you, old friend! I thought you were--well, you not looking like you look these days, da?"

...Is that a typo or just meant to be the strangest mangle of the English language in a comic book...

Crimson Dynamo at this point has Tony in a bear hug, which despite the bad art, makes me laugh because Tony, in his own armor, is all surprised and easily man-handled by Dmitri. At this point, I'm just happy Tony is getting a warm reception somewhere... even if it started off as missiles. But you know, what's a few missiles between friends?

Tony: "I'm in trouble, Dmitri. I need help."

Newark, NJ-- You'll never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy.

Penn Station Bus Terminal

Where you see a lot of buses. But one bus in particular is the focus of our attention. The one with the word bubble coming out of! Inside the bus is a man with a flashlight coming down the aisle and a lump of something blonde in a seat. No, it's not Steve. We've got another month at least before he shows up, sorry kids. Maybe next issue.

He shines the light and it's a woman wearing sunglasses with blond hair curled up in a jacket. It's Maria, we see as she lurches forward and pulls the blonde wig off a bit as she does so.

Bus guy: "Hey, everybody off the bus! That means you too. HEY! It's just a bus, lady, it ain't a motel. I said HEY!"

I bet that line gets all the girls. Poorly spoken english and all. He picks up chicks with those great lines and, "Wanna see my bus?"

Maria narration: How not to ever, ever, wake me up.

Maria: "I head you." Chode.

She lunches forward, the wig coming off her head as she does, at poor Bus Guy who just couldn't get a better job because he didn't go to college. He doesn't need her shit, man. Well, maybe a little. He did shine a light in her face and she is not having a good day... or good... year. So, I can see both sides really.

Maria: "Who sent you? WHO?!?"

Busy Guy: "Guh--Greyhound?"

Dahahahahaha, oh Fraction, my sides.

Maria seems satisfied with that answer or at least over bus guy, because she gets the hell out of dodge with bus guy yelling for the cops and security. Maria sort of shuffles along until the bus guy says that he needs security to stop because she tried to kill him. Well, I think... if you really want to split hairs about this, she didn't so much try to kill you as she did threaten you, a misdemeanor at best. I mean, there's the active attempt on your life and all that she could have done but... forget it.

Moving on.

The cops yell at her to halt but she doesn't listen and they sort of pursue her in their fat cliché cop sort of way with a Benny Hill theme back track of Yakkity Sax.

More of the narrator. I imagine, James Earl Jones or maybe Morgan Freeman... Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs... mmm...

Narration: Maria Hill trained to be a soldier and a spy her entire life. How to evade detection and escape danger. And if the best place in the world to hide a book is in a library... then the best place to hide a person is in the biggest city in the country...

Newark...?

Holland Tunnel:

Pepper narration: I hate breaking the rules.

Pepper and the doctor dude who did her surgery from like the beginning of the Fraction run are sitting inside of a van in traffic. Um. I don't remember this guy's name so I'm just going to go with my usual pattern and call him "Doctor Guy" rather than go back to the issues and look him up. He's not that important of a character at this moment, but if he does show up again with something viable, I'll find his name as he has been proven worthy.

This stuff isn't really plot important so this is the gist of it: Pepper wanted to make sure that the wear and tear she'd been doing to herself wasn't messing up her implant or causing her body any unneeded problems because she's going to disappear for awhile. During this conversation, Doctor Guy makes it clear that he is not living by Osborn's laws and still helps the former Stark employees even though they're all without health care aid now. Also, apparently a lot of Tony's old employees have gone "free-lance", I'm not sure what this means exactly. So it might come back later. There chat is interrupted by Jarvis giving the call for her to go off on another rescue mission. In fact, we get a little more narration after Doctor Guy asks her if "Rescue" is what she's calling herself these days:

It is now, thinks Pepper Potts. It is now, thinks Rescue. I like Iron Potts better. So, Iron Potts I'm still going to call her.

In Soviet Russian, Iron Man armor pilots you!

Dmitri: "It's like flying coffin."

Tony: "It is now, yeah."

The Iron Man armor is lying fully assembled on a work table as Tony and Dmitri (who sports the most amazing handlebar twirly Snidely Whiplash mustache I have seen since 1932!) glance over a map on a floating screen in what I assume is Dmitri's equivalent to Tony Stark's workshop. The next couple of pages are completely my jam and I'm not going to lie to you, I think I'm becoming a Tony/Dmitri shipper. Like, secretly...

Dmitri: "Is old, too substandard."

Tony: "Now."

Dmitri: "Like a MI-24."

Tony: "NOW."

Dmitri: "Like a--"

Tony: "Okay, Dmitri, Okay. It's old, it got the hell beat out of it in the Skrull invasion and now thanks to you it's completely useless and very broken."

This pissing contest is totally amusing because you know that Dmitri is razzing him because he can, and because it's totally cheesing Tony off that he isn't ahead of the curve anymore.

Dmitri: "What about you, Stark? You have seen better days, no? I still see news."

Tony: "I've got a lot of data stored in my head and a lot of very bad people want to get their hands on it. So I started this... I'm deleteing it all. Hooking myself up to repulsor generators hidden around the world a little at a time because it needs an insane amount of power to--"

Dmitri now has the most golden line in the entire book. I love him like a fat kid loves cake... you have no damn idea.

Dmitri: "Why not jump into volcano? Entire brain vaporized in instant."

Seriously. I love him. Because it's clear that the logic Tony has presented to him on this subject is not striking a chord. Dmitri, that would make... let's count here... Pepper, Maria, Henry, Rhodey and now Dmitri... five? Five friends of Tony's who all think that this idea is really not the best. In fact, I'd venture to guess that Dmitri, like the four people before him presented with the same said plan, is thinking: "Tony, you're such an idiot for a genuis."

There's a moment where Tony turns to him, the whole time Dmitri has been looking at Tony from behind and getting a gander at the plugs for his auto-lobotomy suicide machine, and has this moment of contemplation. Like he's actually sitting there and considering the possibility of jumping into a fucking volcano. But then he waves it off, leaving Dmitri to sort of hmph and he has this expression of "really?" sort of annoyance, but he's more angry because his Russian and it's Larroca.

Tony: "Not that bad yet. Here. I need to get here. Once Stark opened facilities in St. Pete's and Kiev, I put a workshop here. Kirensk. Can you get me there?"

Dmitri: "Is long way. Do not think so stupid. How will move from one to next?"

Tony: "Heh."

Oh Tony, you're plotting something aren't you. Why yes you are! In the next panel we have Dmitri suiting Tony up in the Crimson Dynamo! Who didn't see that one coming by show of collective headdesks? Nah, I think it's cool that he's switching tech for a bit. At least he's smart enough to do that in Russia. Crimson Dynamo... that man's a national treasure.

Dmitri: "And you sure you up to this journey?"

Tony: "Sure. I'm sure."

Dmitri: "You sure you capable?"

Tony: "I've noticed decay in ultrahigh multi-processing and some long-term memory. My reflexes have slowed but are still at acceptable levels. I'll be fine. Your suit will be fine." Pay attention to that because it comes back later.

Dmitri: "Controls in Russian. In-helmet graphical-user interface in Russian."

More brackets, this next part in Russian. (Oh, see what I did there? I wrote like Dmitri talks!)

Tony: "I understood you when you were beating the crap out of me and screaming in Russian. I should be okay."

Dmitri: "Okay is the last word and the last way I choose to describe you at this precise and discreet moment in time, my friend."

Dmitri puts the helmet on Tony and Tony is ready to rock and roll for Mother Russia, too bad he can't drink any vodka these days.

Tony: "Be nice. I could always fly your suit into a volcano."

But not in Russia, ass.

Tony takes flight over Russia with a military escort for part of the way and friendly skies for his trip. He's successfully convinced people he's the real deal.

Narration: His Russian's not as rusty as he feared and he's able to bluff his way through radio contact with any visitors he encounters. He's amazed they even try talking first and don't just open fire. This is what it used to be like. They used to be heroes. They used to be welcome sights in the skies. They didn't have to hide.

Tony... do you seem to recall the little Civil War? Who's fault is it that you all have to hide? Actually, I'm an avid member of the Stark was Right crew- I just like to add insult to injury. But yes, I see the point since... well, yeah.

Berkley, Massachusetts: I hate the way that word is spelled.

Iron Potts flies off from a rescue mission in saving a blown up grain silo. It's another job well done. Between you and me, I think Pepper is eating this up with a spoon. I think she likes playing hero in the field instead of behind a desk with a weird headpiece and a necklace. But that's just me.

Pepper: "That went pretty well."

JARVIS: "I'd say so, yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Who knew grain silos could explode?"

JARVIS: "I did."

Pepper: "Of course you did."

Like Laurel and Hardy, these two. Seriously can we have a spin off called Iron Potts filled with the snarky misadventures of Pepper and her sarcastic interface? Please?

Pepper: "Now tell me what you picked up in Russia? Repuslors?"

JARVIS: "Yes Ma'am--Kirensk."

Pepper: "Is there anything interesting I need to know about Kirensk?"

Basically, this. In 1908 the Tunguska Event occurred and is still the largest impact event on earth in modern times; Tony was so interested in this that after the Cold War he bought a big amount of land there and expanded in Russia, which we already knew based on him having SI operations in St. Petersburg and Kiev. So that's the important information that JARVIS has imparted to us as Pepper flies off toward where? Well where else kids?

Pepper: "Tony's in Russia."

Pepper Potts, you are so good at this game. Seriously.

JARVIS: "Yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Then let's go to Russia."

JARVIS: "Miss Potts, I'd be remiss in not reminding you that doing so violates the terms of your release as were agreed to by yourself and Norman Osborn. And I do know you hate breaking rules."

Pepper: "Have you ever met the real Jarvis? The actual living Avengers-butler-Jarvis? You really are stunningly like the man."

JARVIS: "No, ma'am. I suspect it would be rather odd."

BOOM! Knocked it out of the park! You could have ended the issue there and I would have been satisfied, Fraction. If Dmitri was the winner of the gold with his volcano line, then JARVIS barely lost with the silver thanks to this whole exchange. And this people, is why despite it's shortcomings, I will continue to read and enjoy this arc and defend Fractions writing. Thank you, that is all.

But alas, no issue is completely without the Norman Osborn Hissy Fit of JUSTICE!

HAMMER flunkies in inform Osborn that Pepper has left airspace and is either heading to China or Russia. So in other words, if she lands in either place... good luck finding her, dick. Obsorn insists it's Russia and has Hand of Justice make a call to the appropriate authorities to handle his little problem. And who could those appropriate authorities be? Well, it's Colonel (which is really an annoying word. Where's the R?) Dmitri Bukharin. Hmmm. Well isn't that dandy for you Osborn.

Osborn laments pseudo-diplomatically to the Colonel about how Tony is a very bad man with a lot of information Tony could misuse for mass destruction. He also talks about Pepper being Iron Potts and how she's not headed in his direction and it would be just swell if Dmitri would let HAMMER into Russian airspace so they could take Potts in and maybe even Stark should fortune smile upon them. And he's just ultra sleazy about it too.

Dmtiri comes in with another gold medal worthy set of lines that are as follows:

Dmitri: "Nyet. No, no thank you. In fact, I think I go out of my way for Miss Potts. Enjoy more of Russia that way, yes? You might have fool some people of United States into thinking your way correct way or that you have earned trusted--but not me. Go to hell. And don't call back."

Cue Norman Osborn's bitch fit. He screams how dare you like he's something special and tosses his computer off the desk, and also breaks the glass surface of his desk and Hand of Justice stands back looking shocked, but mostly just glad it didn't hit her. He then stares out the window like an emo kid during a rain storm and huffs. He turns, in one of his menacing loser ways and says:

Osborn: "Gonna need new stuff."

New York City,
Garment district-- Hey we're going to be on Project Runway!

A nice apartment with nice things and... wait, that red head... isn't Pepper en route to Russia? I mean what the heck is she doing there and talking on the phone about Maria Hill to someone we've... is this all just a crazy dream sequence and Maria Hill is gone bat shit vigilante and Tony and Pepper have to save--

Wait... it's Natasha Romanova Okay, so this issues is just brimming with Russians. FOR THE MOTHER LAND! It's sad that Larroca makes all women look exactly the same.

Natasha: "She what? She what? No, of course, I'm sure she did something, just--Maria Hill tends toward keeping it wired tight, you know what I mean? To just go off the reservation like that--She's coming here? Why? Okay, okay. No--No, thank you for the heads up. Old spies like us have to watch out for each other these days, yeah? Yeah okay."

Natasha narration (it's black and red, clever): Maria Hill? No way Maria Hill's cracked.

Narration: Natasha Romanova can't shake the feeling what if? In her line of work good people crack all the time. Could it have happened to Hill? The shape of the world these days is strange and sad at best. Maybe Maria Hill--

Natasha goes outside of her plush little digs to see a bunch of neighbors gawking at the door. She turns to see a big black widow painted on the door. Oh, I get it because she's the... haha. That's a good one, Fraction. The neighbors insinuate that Spider-Man must behind the mystery tagging, because he's so into that. Maybe he's gone emo again and he's dancing in jazz clubs to make Mary Jane like so jealous. Oh, Spider-Man 3...

Natasha is pretty sure it wasn't Spidey.

Narration: There's a song in her head now but she doesn't know it yet: just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

Natasha looks up to see Maria Hill on the roof with a bucket of paint, her hands covered in black paint and waving.

Russian Federation Airspace:

Pepper is cruising along in the Iron Potts and she is pissed. She wants a shower like no body's business. They can't find Tony but JARVIS is certain he's there because someone is using repulsor tech who isn't them. Pepper wonders if maybe he's hiding when she gets nailed with a shot from behind from what else but... repulsor tech. She turns to see Crimson Dynamo.

Tony: "Who sent you?"

Pepper: "Tony--"

She repulsors him back... wait, isn't Pepper not a weapon? Whatever, I'm not even going to bother trying because I'm sure it's one of her plane saving force-field things. Tony is apparently more effected by her blow though than she was his.

Pepper: "Slow down--it is Tony, right? Right JARVIS?"

Jarvis: "I am working to confirm."

Tony: "Who sent you? Why won't Osborn do his dirty work himself?"

Pepper flies into Tony and wraps her arms around his torso, taking him down, I assume to stop chicken fighting in the air.

Pepper: "It's me, you jerk--"

My theory here is that Tony either doesn't remember Pepper or doesn't remember making the armor. He said he was losing his long-term memory so we'll see which one it ends up being. My angst meter is going more toward the Pepper. They hit the snowy hillside, mountain thingy and she pins him down. Tony appears to still be struggling and Pepper yanks off her helmet. Tony lies there unresponsive, probably seizing again or something. Judging from the situation and Pepper's facial expression, something is likely wrong with Tony.

Pepper: "Tony! Anthony Edward Stark! Tony, it's me! ...Tony?"

Osborn's cronies are trying to build his new Ikea desk but none of them can read Swedish or whatever. Hand of Justice is looking concerned or a bit un-amused and still slightly horrified. Osborn is on the phone with Madam Masque, who is lying in the snow looking through a sniper rifle. Well, that's nice.

Osborn: "Madame Masque! I was wondering when you'd grace me with your...."

Masque: "He's in Russia. Kirensk."

Osborn: "How do you know?"

Masque: "Because I'm watching him right now."

The final panel has Pepper in the cross-hairs looking concerned, Tony's armor beneath her just barely visible.

Masque: "He's about to murder the last friend he has on earth."

Well...

To be continued in Invincible Iron Man #15

Quick Note

2009-06-01T09:29:00.003-05:00

Just a brief update for anyone who watches this without the monthly link to the recap:

In the next few months there's going to be some extra tidbits from the Marvel Universe involving Iron Man. June and July have the regular issues coming out the 17th and the 1st respectively. In August however a little for all ages series comes out called Iron man and the Armor Wars in addition to the regular Invincible Iron Man issue and then the launch issue of Models, Inc. involves Iron Man fighting bad guys with Tim Gunn, who some of you may know for his catchphrase "Make it work" on Project Runway.

Would followers of Iron Man also like these to be recapped and posted here, because I'm happy to do so. Let me know.

-Kelsy

Invincible Iron Man Issue #13

2009-05-07T15:37:00.002-05:00

Last time on The Ultimate Limbo Competition Starring Tony Stark: How Low Can He Go (we're about to find out)? Tony was deleting his brain and battled Namor or something. Osborn caught Iron Potts and called in Hood and Madam Masque to get rid of Tony. Maria was zombified by The Controller in Texas and everyone lived happily ever--wait.

Invincible Iron Man #13 (I just realized today that these issues have titles, no joke): Some King of the World

Side note for anyone who's playing the home game, previous issues titles are: #8: Shipbreaking, #9: Godspeed, #10: Tony and Maria Do the No Pants Dance, just kidding it's No Future, #11: Breach, #12: High-End Technology of Ultramodern Destruction...

Back to #13: Some King of the World

We open our tale on a beach with an orby thing, a bit silvery and reflecting the light as the waves surround it. It's surrounded by HAMMER officials, a tiny little row boat, some Green Berets and two guys that look like they'd rather be anywhere else. Me too. One of the Green Berets marks the spot and orb with a flag, CLAIMING THiS LAND FOR FRANCE (because no flag, no country). Not really, but apparently this is a "helmet" and it indicates that they have "found him". This looks nothing like any Iron Man helmet I have ever seen. It looks like a ball. A silver ball. Whatever, Larroca.

Bayeux, France

A crowded market place filled with people of all ages. Tony Stark is there as well, in his best Maria Hill costume. Seriously, every time I see Tony in this exact same ensemble Maria wore to Texas, I think it's Maria. I go... say what? How did you get to... and then narration reminds me it's Tony. I know it's Tony, A) because it's talking about technology and 2) because his boxes are yellowish white and Maria's are blue.

Narration: Tech Fairs like this pop up all over. Flea Markets for supernerds heavily into scratch-building machines and hacking whatever they've got. My kind of people, in other words.

Remember back in the day when I used to be smart y'all? Either way, I totally imagine Tony hitting up these kinds of places as a college student to just build some stuff when he felt like it, in his free time, you know... between giving up secrets to Sunset Bain and class and being a constant disappointment to Howard.

Tony digs around through some hardware that looks like circuit boards but with Larroca's art it's hard to tell because they're green blurry squares. The big sign above him says "Transistors" so maybe that's what they are. I have no real way of knowing. Tony as Maria is so far going unnoticed in these crowded streets. That isn't going to last long, we know this because well... he's Tony.

Narration: My kind of shopping. The Iron Man is getting more complicated to pilot. I need to downgrade it back into something more... consumer grade... Sucks to lose your biggest asset, eh Tones? It's not just planning for today. This is about tomorrow and whatever comes after. Keeping the suits usable the further--(the farther?) The more my intellect degrades.

The panel shows a nerdy looking dude with glasses that haven't been in style since 1970 and even then it was pushing it, talking on a cellphone and looking well... nerd devious. You know how nerds look when they're trying to be badass, completely with a Poindexter giggle? That's what you can imagine here and be dead on.

Narration: My hearing aid picks up a suspicious cellular burst. Yep. Hearing aid. There is some debate as to whether or not this is to amplify sound, or if Tony is in fact going deaf. I'm inclined to think the latter as we're slowly seeing the decline of Stark's brain, but it wouldn't be a surprise to me if things like hearing and eyesight are starting to weaken.

Nerdy guy is hunched over, Tony's looking over his shoulder at him. Nerdy guy is selling Tony out.

Word's gone out t places like this--to people like this--to be on the lookout for me. There's always some geek that'll sell you out for an upgrade they can't get or make otherwise. Ten gets you twenty this toad sold me out for an iphone.

Tony grabs the geek from behind, pulls him by the front of the shirt, face to face and yanks the phone from his hand. Tony looks pissed and well, that's what you get when you fuck with a superhero. Some people might think this is bad form for a hero, but then again when has Tony ever been the kind of clean cut do-gooder? Never. And to be fair, Tony is now public enemy number one after how many years of laying his life on the line to keep assholes like this turd safe? That's right. Tony is well within his rights here, especially because iphones are so not that pricey now.

Tony: "Great Job."

Nerd Guy: "Mr. Stark. I'm a big fan of your--oh."

Tony tosses the phone behind him, and then he drops the Nerd Guy like a hot potato, and beats bricks out of dodge.

I run.

Austin, Texas, Futurepharm!

The Controller: "Give yourself to me. Give yourself to The Controller."

This is sort of a replay of the last issue. Maria mutters jibberish as The Controller fits one of his discs into her neck and zombifies her. I actually think Zombie Maria is kind of hot. Maria grabs at the disc and guess what time it is kids? Flashback time. In back and white!

Little girl Maria is actually really cute. Like, even drawn in Larroca art. She's sniffly and has long hair and pierced ears.

Maria's Dad: "Dammit, Maria! You're useless. Do What I say, when I say it!"

Maria's dad looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The live in kind of a shitty house and I think he might eat her if I go by his stance alone. Maybe he should go get that Shake out of his pool.

Present panel, in technicolor:

The Controller: "Control--"

Flashback panels:

Principal: "Maria Hill, you are expelled--"

Marine Drill Sergeant: "Hill, you are useless! You will never make it in this man's Marine Corps! When will you learn how to follow orders--?"

Shaved head Maria in her marine uniform I suppose? I can't really tell.

Nick Fury: "This is SHIELD, missy, not your nancy-pants little Marines--and you'll stay alive and the world will stay safe as long as you do exactly what I say."

Maria in her SHIELD uniform, saluting.

Tony Stark, in his Extremis underarmor: "Dammit, Hill, you're an amateur--"

That dude who took pictures of her leaving, whose name isn't important enough to remember: "Bye-bye, Sweet-cheeks."

Present time:

Maria is like, oh fuck this. Maria Hill does not like being controlled by men, but now I kind of understand why she's such a bitch. it can't be easy being told you're worthless non-stop and as a woman i can understand how much more it stings when it comes from a bunch of dicks.

Controller: She resists! Stop her!

Avengers Tower--Midtown Manhattan:

Flying machine!

HAMMER Flunkies with guns trained. They tell Iron Potts not to move and she says don't worry. Pepper is a smart cookie and she's going to cooperate so she doesn't get shot to death while chained to the inside of this Iron suit.

Osborn, is shiny because he forgot to use his Proactive Solution today. Maybe he's actually pissy because he's suffering from some serious breakouts. Don't worry, Osborn, a little bit of blush and some Bare Minerals and you'll be looking perky.

Osborn: "Miss Potts. Thanks for agreeing to come talk to us today. To reiterate you are not under arrest. We just have a couple of quick questions and we'll have you home in time for... well, by tomorrow, at least."

Pepper is being held in some high tech prison cell, chains around her neck and gauntlets but they've removed her helmet.

Pepper: "Good to know I'm under no legal obligations, then. I mean--I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure you're violating my fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth-amendment rights."

Obsorn and Ms. Hand of Justice are standing there looking in on poor Pepper behind the big steel and glass door that they've got her locked behind. I mean really, does she deserve this? Tony I'd understand because Tony might punch Osborn in the nuts but Pepper? Really? Bad form but... also, nice to see Osborn starting to... be a villain.

Hand of Justice: We have lawyers, we've spoken to lawyers. He's not.

Osborn: See? We're not. We're just asking a few questions.

Pepper: Ah. You'll forgive me if for not immediately recognizing how informal all this is then.

Osborn: "You might find this terribly amusing but I'd like to remind you that you're inside a four-billion-dollar warsuit with unheard of destructive capabilities."

Pepper tells him they both know that isn't true, the suit is for search and rescue only. Of course, Osborn tries to be sneaky and convince her to get out and let him have a look at it. She says JARVIS has gone off line and she thinks she's stuck. Osborn is not pleased, like Limecat but without a lime on his head . Not that I think Osborn is a cat. I think he's a pussy. Oh snap! Osborn says that they want Stark and if they don't find him they'll start with cruel and unusual and go from there.

It is here that Osborn starts to actually well... be Osborn. About damn time. Give me a reason to fear you, or at least be ruthless. He proceeds to press Pepper's last buttons and threaten her friends and her family. Pepper finally loses her cool on him, after being cooperative the entire time.

Pepper: "I absolutely believe you're just the kind of monster that would, too. So listen very carefully I'm going to tell you everything I know about the last time I saw Tony Stark." Pepper smirks and looks rather pleased with herself. "He put me in charge of his company then he kicked me out. That's it. That's all. I begged him to turn himself in. But now I wish I had encouraged him to run away because anything else would be cowardice."

Pwn.

Back in France,

It's not looking good, no. Is that Shockwave? I think that's Shockwave.

Tony continues to run his ass off through the fair, running away from something shooting through the air, which is, well I'm sure you've guessed by now, Shockwave! No fucking way?! Useless lame rogue number two? If you count The Controller as one.

If that was my suit--and there's no way Shockwave's suit is as good as my suit--I'd have a lock on me by nw but since his isn't mine...

Shockwave: "You're a dead man, Tony Stark! You hear me? You're DEAD!"

...He'll talk a lot of crap and keep having to chase me.

Tony outruns Shockwave for a minute and then takes off from a roof with boosters in his tennis shoes. Why? BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING IRON MAN THAT'S WHY! And I feel no reason to defend this anymore than that.

Shockwave: "Dammit, Stark--!"

This guy's a hack.

Tony lands on the roof, rather... well face first. Shockwave follows and blasts at Tony causing him to fall through the roof into the old lady's apartment. Tony lands with roof on top of him and Shockwave follows to seal the deal. Tony appears to be only about half conscious right now.

Shockwave: "Alive or not, I don't care--I get my ransom either way! Your call, Stark. Entirely your call."

Tony has a big bloody spot on his back and looks pretty much bested, but let's not be fooled here because Tony isn't that easy to take down. He's always got something up his sleeve and in this case I mean this literally.

Tony: "God. Oh god."

Shockwave steps on Tony's back, where the blood is. Nice form.

Shockwave: "There. Down. Some king of the world you are, eh?" I think that this line is familiar, see title of issue. "Some great man. Some great leader."

Tony: "Please. Please--"

Shockwave: "Ooh, "please", he says. Like the sound of that. How does it feel, big man, to find yourself brought so low? Especially by the likes of me? Tell you what, Stark--Beg me for mercy. If you beg me, just once, I promise it won't hurt. Just say "please" again. I want to record it. Turn it into my ringtone."

Tony flipped over onto his back during his begging. There's a glow under shockwave's foot from, could it be, an arc reactor? And he has repulsors connected to his hand. Oh Stark, you're wearing the weapons system of the Iron Man under your clothes. You sneaky bastard. He electrocutes Shockwave with repulsor shocks through the leg and it's Tony Stark, For the Win.

The old lady is like "..." and here comes my favorite part of the issue.

Tony: "Je suis desole--j'ai detruit votre appartement, grand-mere."

If you don't speak french, I assure you... that was hilarious! I'm kidding, what he said is: "I'm sorry I destroyed your apartment, grandmother."

Stop being cute, Tony. Keep running.

Austin, Texas--Futurepharm (like where else would we be at this point?)

Maria has had it with this bullshit. She rips out The Controller's disc and she crushes it, tossing it aside and looking like she is going to fuck up some shit. She says how dare you before he commands the minions to destroy her because he can't let her escape alive, because well that would end his little game pretty damn quick if Maria gets the authorities. Maria does something surprisingly... human of her. See, she does have a soul... now.

Maria's narration (blue boxes): Remember Hill. These are still people. These are still--they're still real people underneath those control discs.

The Controller: "I'll do it myself, you cretins--come to your new master--"

Maria: "Like hell."

Control, power. The whole place is about power. So let's start unplugging stuff--and just see what happens.

Maria finally shows off that SHIELD training and grabs hold of some of the wires and escapes the room Tarzan style. But I'm glad she did. It also starts to deactivate the control discs and the people start coming to their senses. Things start to explode. It is not a good day to be The Controller. But then again, it never is a good day to be The Controller because as bad guys go, he's pretty easily defeated like... every time.

This'll buy me a little time. Good enough. Now keep running, Hill.

Hey... I see what you did there, Fraction. You did that synching it up thing again. Tony and Maria are both going to keep running. D'aw man you're good at this!

Meanwhile, Hand of Justice takes notes while Osborn watches HAMMER flunkies frisk Iron Potts. That's... odd. She's answered all his questions, she's played along nicely and done everything she could. Let them look over every single piece of her equipment so they see it's been registered and accounted for all nice and legal like. She wants to know what else they're looking for. Osborn dismisses this by saying Stark thought of everything and there's a mention of my beloved The Order from when Pepper was at the helm, she's a legal registered hero. Well duh, Tony was registration's poster-boy, you moron! But aye, there's the rub:

Osborn: "We've got a batch of Stark's old toys. And Oscorp has been working overtime to make the damn things usable but--well, there are certain components to the puzzle we're just flat-out missing. The repulsor tech generator that powers the thing, first and foremost. We can replicate a lot of things but Tony Stark's genius isn't one of them."

To his credit, I bet that was hard for Osborn to admit, that's he's a lesser man than Tony Stark when it comes to brains. Oh well, suck it up Buttercup. Tony will always be smarter than you and the only person smarter than Tony is... RIIIIIICHAAAAAARDS!

Pepper touches the arc reactor in her chest and suddenly I'm flashing back to this movie from like last summer where Robert Downey Jr and Jeff Bridges we're talking about the same--hey wait a minute! This is almost the exact same scene!

Osborn: "Let me make you a deal. Let us take a look at that thing. Let us take it out for you and take it apart. You're under no legal obligation to do so but... that level of voluntary cooperation will go a long way toward coloring your character in the proper shade, Ms. Potts."

Pepper: "No."

Obsorn: "Of course. Well then. Let me tell you how it's gonna be. You don't leave the lower Forty-Eight. You don't fly any higher than 4,500 meters. You don't fly any faster than 200 klicks an hour. You don't interfere with any law enforcement, fire or rescue efforts anywhere. The first chance I have to arrest you--the first time you jaywalk, the first parking ticket you don't pay--I'll have you behind bars and I'll pry that repulsor unit out of your chest myself with a screwdriver."

Hand of Justice interrupts Osborn's epic moment of POWER POWER POWER I HAZ IT! to let him know that something has happened in Texas. He's like, fine whatever get Pepper the fuck out of my tower and if she flies off the roof shoot her the hell down. What a loser.

How much you wanna bet the "something" that happened in Texas is Maria?

Speaking of Maria! Holy crap, it's like I've read this before! We're back to Texas, but at least this time we didn't need a header to point out the obvious.

I'm all alone. My neck is bleeding. This sucks. All I need is one... just one stupid terminal I can use to--to find a needle in a pile of needles. Tony hid a hard drive in a company full of the damn things. Well yeah, that's the best place to hide it, because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! And this little thing should sniff the right one out. So it does it's thing, I grab the drive... then I can go find somewhere quiet to die for a little while.

While this narration occurs, several panels show us Maria hiding in a room. She gets into an office, plugs in the little zip drive that Tony gave her and she sits down looking over information on the computer. Maria apparently finds what she needs because she starts to move again, leaving the computer behind and zombie people in the background are starting to gain on her. She breaks a window with a chair.

The drones are fighting to keep all the sheep in the pen, and they're losing. Fine, it gives me cover. Close. So close now. My eyes are crossing so I have to reread it a dozen times to make sure. And there it is. Tony's "Drive X." The most valuable thing in the world to him. Probably because it's going to contain what he needs to keep himself from dying of brain delete.

Maria finds the drive and grabs it. Then she's back to the pick up she arrived in to get the hell out of there. I'm glad Maria saved herself, as I've already said, because it does more justice to the kind of character they were trying to make her become. I think her character is achieved now, knowing that she doesn't need someone to come in and rescue her ass. Especially because well, Tony is going to need that too... inevitably.

I'll get to town, call 911 from a pay phone. They'll save who they can and help ones they can't. And I'll either quietly bleed to death or somehow--somehow--I'll go find Captain America...

Find your Grail, Hill.

In a random base somewhere looking industrial:

I'm including this because part of it makes me LOL, the rest will be summarized.

Hood: "Well, there's a guy called Lancaster Sneed--I swear I didn't make that up--but the guy trades under the name Shockwave, you know him?"

Osborn: "No."

Hood: "Well nobody does, because his name is Lancaster Sneed."

See? LOL

Hood: "Anyway, Seed was our first responder as it were, got to Stark in a street fair--"

Osborn: "What kind of street fair?"

Hood: "Ahh-- electronics and crap."

Osborn: "Of course. Continue."

Hood: "Not much else to add. He blew it."

Osborn: "Well, with a name like Lancaster Sneed you get what you pay for."

Osborn is frustrated and asks to speak to Madame Masque alone. Hood's like, I guess. But Osborn wants her to come to him. Whitney does not seem so down with this plan but she goes anyway because... well I don't know. Whitney ends up at the Tower and talking to Osborn about... well, semantics really. Whitney insists no one calls her that and he's all "it's who you are" and I don't see the point of this conversation, and nor does she. She wants to know what he had to say that he couldn't say with Hood there. Osborn goes on about POWER POWER POWER I HAZ IT and I think that's a new segment of these recaps. I'm like... The Soup, for Iron Man comics. But he's got something to show her... I know, it's not what you think. It's something that will help her find Tony. She comes running after him at that idea.

Basically he has this to show her. Remember Tony's like virtual armory thing way back in the beginning of the first Invincible Iron Man arc written by Fraction, the Five Nightmares? Well, oh snap! Osborn has found it. It lets him know which of Tony's armories is still up and running, and where Tony Stark will be going as they go down off the radar... I guess. He apparently knows where Tony will be running to and tells Masque to ditch hiring scrubs and take care of Tony as personal business with the information she's been given... for both of them.

I think Whitney is turned on by this, or maybe she just wants back into Tony's pants. She's playing coy with her pinky in her mask mouth . She agrees.

Hey did you know that this comic is called Iron Man? Well we finally see Tony again, in the last two pages of the issue. Remember that downer ending I told you Fraction had been teasing about on his twitter? Well, in 3...2....1..

Tony is sitting in some shitty room with a make shift work bench and a computer, the latest armor he's using laying on the bed full assembled with the helmet beside it. He's working at the computer.

I have to simplify the suit. The stuff I've been buying--salvage--is all intended to make the Iron Man more...easy for me to use. Planning ahead for my diminishing abilities I should be ab--

Tony loses his train of thought when the following happens. His brain goes "gah why!" and he starts to seize. He falls back out of his chair, still connected to the wires in the back of his skull, he said no no no, which makes me think it's not going as planned or it's happening too fast. He's in the fetal position on the floor. He's got a retched nose bleed and I'm assuming a pretty bad headache.

Tony: "P-P-P-P--PPPPP Pepper."

Sorry Tony, you're all alone now....

But Pepper's on the roof of Avengers Tower in the Iron Potts. She's going to fly from the roof despite the warning of being shot down.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts? Ms. Potts? Ms. Potts, where are we going?"

Pepper is in tears inside the helmet.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts, shall I set a trajectory? What is our destination?"

Pepper: "Find Tony Stark. And to hell with Norman Osborn."

Downer ending is a downer...

See you next month Invincible Iron Man #14

Invincible Iron Man Issue #12

2009-04-10T09:19:00.000-05:00

When last we saw Tony's Most Extreme Bad Ideas Ever: Caught on tape: Pepper started testing out the Iron Potts, Tony dropped off some guilt money and said good-bye to Henry Hellrung, Henry called in Rhodey, Rhodey and Tony had a battle royale that sent Tony descending into the depths of the deep blue sea and Obsorn called in Namor.

Invincible Iron Man #12

First of all, I have to say something about the ridiculous cover in which we see Namor and Iron Man battling it out under water. Namor has his hands around Iron Man's throat and my initial thought was: Namor, you silly pants, you can't choke Iron Man because he is made of iron (I know, it's not really iron, but let me have this). Then again, this is Namor we're talking about so he probably thinks it's kinky... and he's probably into snuff films and thinking about fucking and beating Tony for the porn black market. Silly Namor, Bob Crane was into snuff films and look how his life ended? With a tripod to the head. And Hogan was no longer any one's hero.

Cascade Mountains, Washington:

Did you ever see the show Home Movies? It's a cartoon by the same people who did Dr. Katts... it's drawn in squiggles like a child did it? Yeah... welcome to issue 12. For crying out loud. The art makes me cry. And that's not even the worst part...

So there's an earthquake in Washington and Iron Potts is on the scene thanks to the help of JARVIS. She saves a school full of music kids (which might be a statement on the fate of the arts in education these days but who am I to put politics in here) from well, falling off a cliff. It's kind of cool for the view I guess, but who in their right mind puts a school on a cliff in a state with fault lines? Wait... someone who hates children just like I do... never mind.

IMPORTANT Narration, from Pepper: JARVIS tells me this suit--the 1616--has been created for heavy rescue and recovery. We were working on subsonic speed-burst takeoff and landing drills up and down the coast when the first temor hit. Dumb luck I saw the school. A hybrid of repulsor technology and portable electromagnetic super-field generators gives the suit flight, speed, strength, magnetic field manipulation--all kinds of tricks. There's not a single weapon anywhere on this suit. Everything is defensive, protective. There's not even a degree of heat generated by the thrust. I kind of love it.

See that naysayers? Tony keeps his fucking promises and did not make Pepper a weapon!!

Iron Potts is back on the scene, off to save something at a hospital that JARVIS alerts her to. The families are happy and waving at her, she waves back and there's a moment in time where everyone remembers when people liked Tony's technology and Iron Men. D'aww... how could we possibly ruin this moment?

Undisclosed HAMMER Facility:

With Norman Osborn of course. He wants their feed to follow Iron Potts. I will give Larroca this. Osborn's hair has always looked ridiculous in his existence but Larroca actually makes it look kind of normal. Now, that being said, I don't buy this comic for Obsorn's hair so...

He wants all eyes in the sky on the Iron Potts and asks if it is in fact Potts. Ms. Unfortunate Name Hand is pretty sure it is. Well fucking duh! Who else would Tony give a FEMALE suit too? His mother?! God dammit, when did Osborn get so fucking clueless?

He asks where she is and she's leaving Washington's airspace in the suit and he wants to know what kind of heat she's packing. Which is nada enchilada according to the HAMMER lackey he's speaking at. The guy insists she's got no weapons, after Osborn calls him stupid by telling him "Don't be stupid." Well, what a thing to say. She's got nothing, no lenses, no offensive targeting, the power flow through the suit is-- he's cut off by Osborn asking what air she's near. Vicky "Hand of Justice" Hand tells him no HAMMER units are there but he wants to know about commercial airspace. There's a flight from Seattle to LA.

Well, Osborn does what every logical minded villain does in this sitch: Make up intelligence of a Skrull sleeper agent onboard and shoot down the plane... just to see what Iron Potts can do.

Fantastic.

Pepper sees the crashing plane and knows that she needs to save this. JARVIS says she can. Pepper, does not agree.

The Red Sea: Stark Deep Sea Laboratory #26:

Under water the fish don't stink! And there are sharks!

Narration:Tony Stark gets to work.

The following is inner monologue as Tony works on old Iron Man, the model I'm too lazy to look up the name for but it's the Under Sea suit. He's hooked up to another Auto-lobotomy suicide machine! Joy of joys! Some time has clearly passed, maybe a month or so because Tony's hair is growing back... but not his facial hair because he's apparently had time to shave that... now if he was really of the stock they claim him to be, he could sneeze and have facial hair... whatever Larroca.

Tony's inner monologue: "It doesn't sound like anything down here. Just the circulation of air in and out. You could suffocate in silence down this deep. Don't think about the endless tons of pressure crushing down on all sides of you. Don't think about suffocating. Don't think about anything but what's in front of you. How long can I keep doing this? How many facilities can I run to (a lot, really)? How many suits can I repurpose by hand (a bunch, until I lose the smarts to do it). Scrapping with war Machine was a wake-up call. This old tech, no matter how good it was-- Well technology marches on. Especially the high-end technology of ultramodern destruction. So for now--it's run form A to B and... and... and.. gah. Thought's gone. It's all going 2001, isn't it? Dave, my mind is going I can feel it. Hell, I even think I hear thunder out--dammit."

Tony yanks out the auto-lobotomy connection and well... this moment makes me sad. He knows he's losing it, he's starting to feel less of himself and even with the dated reference to Space Odyssey, it just... it's thankfully a part of the storyline that wasn't oops retconned. I'm glad the seeds are being planted and he said that Tony would start to suffer the effects and he really is, not just all of a sudden a last minute save before any real damage occurs.

Tony's getting the armor on because it's time to move on soon. He needs to get his shit together and go to the next delete my brain new armor location.

Inner monologue: "Can't believe--can't believe I had to lug this damn suit around--thunder getting louder.

Tony: "C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon--"

Namor busts through the wall of the facility...

Namor: "Stark."

Tony narration:Namor

Austin, Texas-- Futurepharm:

Narration: This place is filled with the damned and the doomed. These are their names: Emilia Ortiz. Missing 19 days. Pilar De La Paz. Missing 147 days. Thaddeus Pascoe. Missing 88 days. Maria Hill. On the job.

We have a panel of The Controller who still looks nothing like The Controller, sitting in his octopus throne chair... that reminds me a bit of Tony's auto-lobotomy suicide machine. Weird, how they're like... doing the same thing with opposite purposes. Anyway, all the tanks are there and we see panels of each other people mentioned and how these are the people feeding The Controller. Pan to Maria.

Maria Narration: Son of a-- Focus Hill, think. How can you shut--Hm. Follow the power. Shut it off at the source. Stay fast, stay quiet. Stay out of sight. And don't get caught.

As she says this, she of course passes some sensor thing that will, in fact, catch her. The Controller comes to and looks up.

Controller: "Your Controller... senses... Ah. An intruder. Of course." Controller senses? What is he fucking Spider-Man now? "Go, you horrid stinking puppets. Find out who disturbs my feeding and assimilate them into the generator. I don't have all day."

Of course, now the naked people come out of their tanks as he says this. Maria is fucked.

Back to Iron Potts and the crashing plane. The sounds like the name of a children's book or a Panic at the Disco song.

JARVIS: "Impact imminent."

LOL JARVIS is awesome.

Pepper: "Thanks, JARVIS."

JARVIS: "Velocity and mass calculated impact compensation activated. Repulsor power diverting to field generators."

Pepper: "And now?"

JARVIS: "Now you catch it, Ms. Potts."

Pepper narration: Times like this I always ask myself--what would Tony do?

I'm getting little rubber bracelets made as was speak: WWTD? I'm making it happen. If you'd like your very own WWTD? Bracelet please send 5.95 plus shipping and handling to...

Pepper: "...He'd catch the damn plane, Potts."

JARVIS: "Excuse me, ma'am?"

Pepper: "Get ready."

Iron Potts stretches out her arms, braces herself and with a huffing sound she extends a force field and catches the plane in it, suspending it in the air.

Pepper: "JARVIS--"

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts."

Pepper: "JARVIS--"

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts, you're doing it--you've caught a crashing plane!"

Damn right she did, because she is fucking amazing.

Meanwhile, in the Red Sea where we're back to dealing with the annoyance that is Namor. Namor has never been interesting to me because he acts firsts and thinks later and I suppose I've always preferred people who think first and act later, as a general rule. That and he's far too cocky, and I'm not referring to the Speedo, and the chip on his shoulder tends to blur the line between powerful and whiny bitch.

Namor and his lackey followers bust in with a rush of water behind them, which at least makes sense because I can think of some lesser people who would ignore that fact coughbendiscough and just have him bust in like it was land.

Namor: "Surrender. NOW."

Tony: "Shut up."

...really? That's how you've started off their exchange? But whatever because Tony fires at the lackeys with his palm repulsors and they're just like, "Ow stop that" and they don't seem to really do much.

Namor: "Running will only make it worse, Tony."

But Tony runs because it's what is his best option at this point, blasting off toward another part of the facility now that he's bought some time.

Tony inner monologue: "This is bad. This is really bad."

Namor takes a trident from one of his lackeys and throws it at Iron Man. It just barely misses him and Tony has apparently kept running because Namor says that he can't go far and sends his lackeys after Iron Man again. One of these panels is drawn so that it looks like Tony is missing half of his left leg for some reason, which we know is not the case. Tony gets into a corridor and needs to get up and keep moving, he tells himself, as the the lackeys say he has to halt because Namor commands it.

Tony: "Yeah. He does that an awful lot, doesn't he?"

He proceeds to fire little missiles from his back at the lackeys, mentioning that old school suits mean old school weapons and that he has to think old school in order to fight using this technology. Tony realizes that's not as easy as it used to be. Poor Tony, that's what happens when you delete your brain. He rationalizes that there is no time to beat them, he just has to get away from them. It's a new world for Tony with new game plans, now he has to just escape and evade to live to fight another--

Namor: "Stark. Don't be stupid."

Tony says exactly what I've been thinking.

Tony: "Oh Namor, it's way too late for that."

At least he knows now that his idea has not been the best he's ever had. But then again, it took him sometime to make that realization. So as he and Namor stand there, face to face, ready to go one on one, he now tells us that he knows that his delete brain doomsday plan was stupid. Well, good. First step is admitting...

Tony: "And why stop there?"

Iron Man blasts repulsor shots from his palms and chest at Namor. Namor blocks it with his chest... I guess. Whatever, it's kind of funny though to watch pieces of his vest falling off behind him...

Namor: "How dare you--"

Namor sends shots at Tony from his fist... I'll confess that I know nothing about Namor's powers so whether or not this is accurate or even makes sense is lost on me.

Namor: "IMPERIUS REX!"

Tony hits a glass window and cracks it, it starts spitting water into the facility from the cracks.

Tony's inner monologue: "Concussion--at best this is a concussion. And at worst--"

Voice, probably some sort of alarm system alerts to a hull breach of the level 2 variety which I imagine is not very good. But since I know nothing about deep sea exploration save a few things I learned in marine biology about the sea cucumber and how it has to poop to move and the Orca being the sea's resident asshole... none of which have any information that helps us here.

Namor: "You'll be crushed like a grape down here, Stark. Dead and forgotten in deep, dark water."

Namor, you're such a dick. People won't forget Tony just because he dies in the bottom of the deep sea. You on the other hand... if you died, I don't think anyone would really notice outside of the Atlantians. And maybe the Richards' because the wouldn't have to put up with your annoying fish smelling ass hitting on Sue anymore. Fuck you Namor.

Back in Texas, where there are zombies...

Narration: They used to be people. These used to be the missing, the lost, and the forgotten. Now they're just the controlled. Now they're just tools of The Controller. The world's been carved up by very bad people. This little piece of it went to him. He takes people, bends their wills to his own and when they're no longer of use to him he simply feeds on them. On their energy. This isn't a throne room--it's a kitchen in a charnel house. And there's fresh meat to be had.

Maria is backed into the wall by the group of zombie controlled drone people that she yells at because she was here to save them and now they're going to make her food for their evil boss man. Which sucks, because as I said, Maria was starting to grow on me and now well... she has her fate sealed. But, it also proves my previous point that... she suffered the hand of fate dealt to her when she accepted the hot beef injection of Anthony Edward Stark.

She's at least going to make it to issue fourteen, if the solicits are any indication... but for now she's been dragged right into the hands of The Controller.

Narration: They move as one. Think as one. They think as he thinks. And he thinks only of her, of Hill, becoming one of his army. The little disc at the back of her neck will see to that. And just like that, Maria Hill's mission comes to an end.

He plants a disc on the back of her neck, as they implied and the last we see of Hill in this issue, is her eyes rolled back in her head, her mouth slack... possibly slightly brain dead. Tony's future.

Iron Potts is working on landing the plane. Which she does, with JARVIS encouraging her that Stark couldn't have done it any better. Which made me LOL because I think JARVIS and I are going to fall in love by the end of this arc. Pepper narrates about how no one dies, this really isn't super important information so I'm going to just give you the cliff notes version.

No one dies, and she's talking to the police about how she did it, makes a comment about how she's glad she has the armor so they don't see her shaking. She walks the officials through, offering up the recorded data of the incident and doesn't notice when the press shows up. Nor does she notice HAMMER showing up behind her either until the cops started to back up.

The HAMMER officials arrest her, but thankfully she goes willingly because she has no weapons to fight them back with.

Pepper narration: Hi, mom

Iron Man is still fighting Namor, and losing. Namor is essentially beating the suit to death until the hull opens so that Tony will die under the pressurization. That's sort of a cheap blow, Namor. Just drown him? You've tried to do this before back in the Illuminati and you know what, until you learn to fight fair and stop relying on the fact that you're under water or you can breathe under water, I won't respect you. Iron Man uses the last of his repulsor power on Namor and Tony decides to stop fighting and start running to live to fight another day.

Tony decides to distract Namor by polluting his ocean and screwing with his head, so he sets the facility to blow.

Namor: "Stark--"

Tony: "Namor. Shut. UP!"

Tony apparently strangles Namor under the polluted water that, I'm just guessing because of the bad art, has some kind of oil in it so he blacks out for a bit so that Tony can escape. I assume this because of the inky feel to it and Namor being left in a black puddle when Tony leaves in the underwater armor.

Tony inner monologue: "I could never beat you, Namor. But I could always out think you. Imperius Rex indeed. I've got a deep sea suit prepped and ready. The explosions buy more time. not much, but enough. Enough so I can keep running... at least until tomorrow."

Osborn talks to Namor.

Osborn: "Annnnd then what happened?"

Namor: "What do you think happened? He got away."

Namor is not pleased.

Osborn: "Hm. Well...don't worry about it, guy. You did your best for me and that's all I can ask. See? This is how it works. You gave Stark a drubbing he wouldn't have gotten otherwise, and so what if you didn't stop him there are lots more fish in the sea. Pardon the pun. Osborn out."

He turns to face the silhouettes of people waiting for him in his office.

Osborn: "Well? Now it's on you and your crew."

Why, it's the hood. And Whitney Frost. Whitney does not look like she wants to be there, but then again she's got the emotive free mask so who knows. She just seems to be looking down. You know, I think if she finds Stark she'll just try to get with him again, even if he is half special Olympics. The Nuttier the Sluttier.

Hood: "Yeah? So? Oz, I'm speaking on behalf of a couple dozen of the biggest super-powered dirtbags in the universe-- what's in it for us?"

Osborn: "You're my kind of dirtbag, Robbins. Boys."

Some HAMMER flunkies bring in a bunch of gold bars. Well, that appears to be what's in it for them. Well done, Osborn. It's the smartest thing you've done this arc.

Osborn: "That's a billion euros in gold. Call it a bounty. Get the word out to all of your people, especially the ones with history with Tony Stark, the ones with grudges. First one of your guys that puts Tony Stark's head on this desk gets the gold and the thanks of a grateful nation."

Hood and Whitney each stare at a bar of gold like they've never seen one before. That's... weird.

And this concludes the most ridiculous filler issue ever. I feel like this was just here because they needed to show off Osborn's powers with the Dark Cabal by asking a favor from Namor. I really feel like nothing, other than the Potts arrest and the Maria getting nailed was important. Well, now we've got more villains that are going to be popping up. We'll see... but this issue... worthless.

Supposedly the next issue is big with a downer ending. So I hope it lives up to the promise.

See you next month.

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #13

Invincible Iron Man Issue #11

2009-04-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

Last time on Crazy Awesome Pwning Time Yo, starring Tony Stark: Tony's deleting his brain, Osborn issued a warrant for made up crimes, Pepper found the Iron Potts, Maria Hill got fucked (literally) and went in search of a hard-drive to give to Bucky, from Futurepharm! This plot sauce is getting thick, for real!

Invincible Iron Man #11

Pepper Potts inside the Iron Potts finds out that this bitch is run by... Jarvis. From the movie. Just Another Rather Very Intelligent System y'all. He was put in the Iron Potts to as it's OS to help out Pepper in her "Mark 1616". Whatever Fraction, you can give it a Mark number but it's still Iron Potts. This is apparently an arbitrary number because Jarvis says that Tony did not make 1616 models of the Iron Man. Jarvis does however contain the entire Stark dataspine and a play list of 96,000 of Pepper's favorite songs. I find that to be unbelievable because I don't even know 96,000 songs and if Pepper does, and those are her favorites, how many actual songs does she know? Did Tony just upload his entire iTunes and just say Pepper has to deal? Tony probably doesn't use iTunes. He uses StarkTunes.

Pepper realizes that Tony programmed Jarvis to care for her, which is sweet and I wish someone would do that for me. Stark really cares about Pepper. The armor is completely designed around all the enhancements that Stark has given her since she was implanted with her own little repulsor tech disc. Jarvis is there to make the experience more enjoyable (like how could piloting an Iron Man suit be boring) and answer questions. You know, be what Tony can't be. When asked if she's ready to start her training Pepper replies:

Pepper: "Hell yes."

Damn right Pepper, damn right.

Los Angeles:

The saviour of this issue, regardless of where it goes from here, and really the arc in general, resides in this page:

Tony's Narration: Henry Hellrung prays Yep. That's right kids. Henry Fucking Hellrung. You put Hellrung in anything and I will eat it up and ask for more like a well trained little puppy. So there. It's been said. For more on Hellrung, check out: The Order: The Next Right Thing and The Order: California Dreaming. Plug complete. As much for himself as for others

Henry finishes the AA Serenity prayer and then inspires the AA followers to come back because the program does work. Henry, I love you in a way that I can't even describe in words. And to my surprise, Larroca didn't screw him up too bad. So that's a plus. Oh Henry, kind eyes, shaggy hair with graying temples, exasperation, acceptance, tolerance... you're the man of my dreams.

He's been an actor, a drunk, a washout, a spokesperson, a super hero, a sponsee, and then--

Tony: "Hey Sponsor."

Henry's narration: He's the most wanted man in the world, there's no way he'd be dumb enough to crash my meeting--

Henry: "...Tony?"

Tony looks... well a little like a jackass. He's wearing some weird GI Joe uniform (someone's trying to channel Steve) and he's shaved off the Mood 'stache and... well most of his hair too. All I can say is, when Tony Stark changes his hair... shit is about to go down. At least he didn't go blond this time.

Tony: "Hey man. Can y'spare the price of a cup of coffee for a fellow American down on his luck?"

Henry: "Jeez, man, I didn't recognize you."

Tony: "That was the point."

They exchange a hug and it pleases me. Henry will accept Stark no matter what he does. Tony can always come crawling back to Henry, and Henry won't judge him or treat him harshly. Henry is the friend that we all have who will sit beside you in the jail cell and say "Man, we fucked up". He will always help without having to throw in his two cents, just offer a kind word and whatever he can.

There should be more people like Henry in Tony's life.

Tony: "I'm in a little bit of trouble" (this is over the panel where Tony shaves his head) "and I've had to... well make provisions. Maybe you've heard."

Henry: "Yeah I've been alive for more than the last hour, Tony. And there's "trouble" and there's whatever the hell you're in."

Tony: "Yeah, thanks. Henry... it's gonna be a while before I can hit another meeting. In fact, it's been a while since I've hit any meeting. Like--a while. A couple years while. So, uh... that it. I just needed to tell you that."

Henry is not really surprised, he knows what shit's been going on. Nor is he judgemental. Henry is exactly what is needed in this situation, something no one else has been throughout this entire experience. Henry Hellrung is Rational.

Henry: "Tony... stop running. Turn yourself in. It can't be that bad. I mean... you're you. You're too high-profile to just get--get--get disappeared."

Tony: "I know you haven't had your powers long, H, but come on. You know damn well nobody's too big to go away when the right people are angry at you. And these people are very, very angry at me."

Henry is going to be rational again. Thank you, Henry.

Henry: "Then--and, man, don't take this wrong but--why did you come here? People need this place and you just put a target on the front door."

Good point, Henry.

Tony: "I know, Henry--I know-- I put a cashier's check for two million dollars into the collection hat when you passed it around. Just--just take care of your people, yeah?"

Henry: "Tony, you don't have to run--"

Tony: "I do, Henry. So listen--there's an Iron Man on the roof of the church here. It's how I'm getting away. About ten minutes after I'm gone, HAMMER will come busting in. Just lie down and lace your fingers behind your head. Tell them every single word we said here, don't lie and don't be clever and you'll be home in time for dinner. Be seeing you."

Henry slumps down into one of the fold up chairs from the AA meeting. Here's the exasperation I mentioned early. Dear, forgiving, exasperated Henry.

Henry: "Yeah. Okay, Tony, okay."

So in summary: Hi, Hank! Here's some guilt money. I've just dragged you into my web of crazypants because I'm a marked man. Oh, and I'm a dead man. Okay, thanks bye!

Austin, Texas

Maria Hill and Tony have been digging in the same closet because when I first saw her I thought it was him, pre-head shave. I was like... why is he in Texas now, didn't he send Maria? But whatever. It's Maria and she's snooping around outside Futurepharm. She's staking the place out all SHIELD pro style and finally decides there's no point in doing so anymore, I imagine because there is nothing going on there. Also, for some reason Austin looks like some Middle Eastern marketplace during war time. Maria is now back into her SHIELD uniform with one of those quick changes. She hops a fence in a way that leads me to believe she stole powers from Peter Parker when she mind raped him. At the end of this page, Hill also apparently had a vision of the future, knowing that not only have breaking into Futurepharm and being one of Osborn's most wanted marked her for death, but so has receiving Tony's hot beef injection:

Maria: "It's not every day you end your career with a bullet in the head."

Back in LA: Which I never thought would be a land of Logic, Henry is being picked up by the HAMMER SWAT, who are surprisingly gentle with my Henry. It's because he's pretty... sigh.

This next few pages is interlaced with flashbacks from a simpler time.

Maria: "Who's he?"

Tony: "He's Henry."

Maria: "So? Who's Henry? Why is he here?"

Flashback Panel:

War Machine, Anthem (Henry Hellrung), Pepper, Tony and Maria in Tony's office. We know it's a flashback because it's gray, Tony is in his office, Henry is Anthem and Tony is Mexican with his mood 'stache. Oh and it's gray.

Tony: "He's my friend; that's why he's here."

Maria: "Well I've never heard of him."

Tony: "Nobody heard of you either until like twenty minutes ago. so how about shutting up for two seconds?"

I admit now it turns me all sorts of on when Tony snarks/yells/bitches at Maria Hill. Like in a way that should make the man I love jealous.

Tony: "You all need to commit this address to memory, right now, and never forget it okay? Calicomom63@gmail.com. And the password is T0nyw@sr1ght with a zero, @ sign and 1 as the vowels. Only access it from public places. Libraries, coffee shops, whatever."

Side note: Being the nerd 'tard I am I tried to log into this email, as I'm sure many people have. I found out via Matt Fraction's twitter that people keep trying to change the password which verified my suspicion that Fraction registered the address so that assholes like me couldn't claim it and fuck with people. Because I so would and it would be awesome.

Present time Panel:

Henry is getting arrested and for some reason the adorable look of acceptance on his face combined with him getting handcuffed makes me feel a little funny. Henry, stop seducing me with your ink and paper charms! Tony continues to talk from the flashback over this panel:

Tony: "This is account is our equivalent of a panic room. No one is to ever, ever, use it to actually send or receive any email. We only use it to ping one another; to singal one another when there's no other possible way. Nobody will trace it."

Henry is now in custody and handcuffed with his arms behind him to a chair. He's apparently being interrogated by THE HAND OF JUSTICE, or Ms Hand. Maybe that's her alter ego we'll find out later. Poor Henry. There is more dialogue from the flashback:

Tony: "So what you do-- what I want everyone to get in the habit of doing--is check it every few days. Whenever you get coffee, or you're at the library, or--or whatever--log in and check the inbox."

Just... how much time does Tony think this group is spending at the library? Like for real? I mean, I know that Rhodey has to catch up on his Dickens and he's spending hours and hours in the library just blissfully reading. Yeah, totally.

Pepper: "But we can't send mail--how does it get mail?"

Flashback again:

Tony looks rather smug. Oh he thinks of it all, you people. Don't bore him with your questions.

Tony: "Excellent question, Ms. Potts. It doesn't." Say what? Oh Tony, now you're just being goofy! "In the To: field, type the first letter of your name and then a bunch of random garbage. End with the first letter of the name of whomever you wish to ping. If I wanted to get Pepper's attention say, I'd go to the library, hit gmail, log in and address an email to "T-blahblahblah99-P and hit send. That's it."

Well, that... sounds stupid. Oh and thanks for telling me how to send an email, by the way. I hadn't figured it out yet. You're not fucking talking to Steve here, the people in this room are tech savvy individuals who know the basic function of the internet. You don't have to dumb it down.

Henry is leaving the HAMMER building rubbing his wrist and looking a bit tossed about. The continued dialogue just irritates me.

Tony: "The email will bounce back as un-sendable and it'll just sit in the inbox where we'll all log in, in due time, and see someone is pinging someone else."

Pepper: "Ahh--but we're all using it to bounce messages to one another, hidden in the sender's address."

Henry is now at the library, he's going to try this whacked out system. As silly and nutty as this is, I suppose in this situation it has to work. Henry is going to ping someone. Apparently libraries in LA have laptops... unless he went home and got his laptop which makes little sense because if I were him I'd have then changed my clothes or tucked in my shirt after what I've been through.

Tony: "A simple message but-- exactly. The mail never actually leaves so there's no reason for it to ever be looked at by anyone anywhere. It'll just be another jacked-up email somebody's mom screwed up sending and nothing anyone will ever think to look at or look for. Everyone set up a rendezvous location with everyone else, and if you get pinged, you meet there 24 hours later, no matter what."

Back to the flashback:

I will say this for the Anthem costume. I love it so much, because Tony knows how to design a costume that leaves nothing to the imagination. I am all for Henry being in the Anthem costume all the time, especially since the costumes seem to be all Larroca can draw. Henry's regular clothes seem to suffer the same fat problem Tony's do. I have no part of me that believes these two men wear their clothes horrendously over-sized. Public figures like them wear their clothes crisp, clean, tailored. Sure, Tony has all of his stuff custom but Henry isn't too shabby, he can buy something nice off the rack from Saks.

Henry: "Aren't you being a little Paranoid? why would--how could--a Stark Industries mail server ever be so compromised that you yourself couldn't use it?"

Maria: "New guy is right. Stark aside--do you really think something could happen to compromise SHIELD's security systems so badly that we'd need this rinky-dink cloak-and-dagger crap?" Oh Maria, you have such a way with words.

Tony: "Of course. I think of everything."

Welcome to the inner circle of Crazy Town, Maria. Tony is a futurist which means he's got an answer for 13 steps ahead of any scenario the world could throw at him. I bet he knew the day he injected Extremis with all of that information in the Stark dataspine and SHIELD, he might one day delete his brain. This comforts me none. So moving on...

Flashback over, it's present time:

Robo-Rhodey! He looks like some 1920s detective in his trench coat and fedora disguise. That, and he's a cyborg. He's met with dear Henry in this coffee shop/bakery where at least Henry has changed clothes since, even if he doesn't look too put together. I forgive him, he's having a hard time. It's not every day your friend comes in and is all "Well, everything has gone to shit and I have some guilt money for you" even if that friend is Tony Stark.

Henry pinged Rhodes because Tony came to give his good-bye and then HAMMER dragged in Henry. He doesn't know what's up with Tony, but he knows that Rhodey does and he also knows that Rhodey has his own shit going on, but he asks please help. If HAMMER finds Tony, Henry says, they're going to kill him of which Henry has no doubt. He knows that Jim can find him and so he enlists Rhodes to do what everyone enlists Rhodes to do: Stop Tony Stark from doing really, really stupid things before it's the last really stupid thing he ever does and no one ever gets to talk to him again. Thus we return to Jim Rhodes's lot in life; babysitting Tony Stark.

War Machine flies through the air on the search for Iron Man. The narration gives us the following insight.

Narration: James Rhodes has been a lot of of things in his life: a Marine, a pilot, an engineer, a substitute Iron Man a babysitter, and, finally, a hero in his own right. A War Machine. But no matter what, the job he seems best at is cleaning up Tony Stark's messes... True friends, yo. True friends.

War Machine finds Iron Man in the 90s pre-Extremis armor that is the same style as the one that was Sentient. Yes it's the same style, no this one is not in love with him and nor will it ever be. Thank you, Fraction. Tony can be tracked since Rhodes is bleeding edge tech and Tony is well, not. If armors were cars Tony would be driving a Geo Metro circa 1994 and Rhodes would be in a 2011 Audi R8. The conversation they have involves Rhodey doing his Rhodey thing and saying Tony, you need to stop being such a fuck nut and come back and handle this like a rational adult.

It's good that Rhodey and Henry have brought some rationale here. Oh I know what's got the girls all crazy, it's Tony's dreamy eyes. Suckers.

Tony declines to come in because he's convinced he won't leave Osborn's custody alive, which is probably true in his defence. They're going to know Rhodey came after him, but Rhodey mentions he's not on Osborn's pay... but Tony needs to make sure that they don't think he's still on Tony's. So they're going to have a BATTLE ROYALE!

Whether Jim Rhodes likes it or not.

Rhodes: "Are. You. Insane?!?"

Tony: "If we don't scrap, and scrap hard, HAMMER will treat you as though we're colluding--and you can do far more good without Osborn bringing that kind of heat down n you."

Tony Stark, he's always thinking about his posse. Fight me, or Osborn will think you're my homeboy.

Rhodey: "I meant, are you insane trying to fight me? It's called War Machine, boss. Fighting is what it was designed to do. You don't stand a chance."

Which is pretty true, I feel.

Rhodey blasts at Tony and once they reach him, well Tony realizes that was a bad idea challenging Rhodes. He calls it truth in advertising. Well you did design the suit Tony...

Rhodes is also battling him with bleeding edge stuff again, which I think is Fraction's favorite thing to use to describe tech in Iron Man because that seems to be well... his only description for it. Tony's suit is not up to snuff and thus the attacks from War Machine actually do hurt, but he's not going to be out done. He attacks Rhodes again and Tony makes a snarky comment about no one ever armors up the weapons. His energy output he realizes will be picked up by Osborn's people, which of course...

...It is, in the next panel. Where some guy says that he thinks they found him.

Maria Hill, meanwhile, has found nothing or no one at Futurepharm so far. It's been nine whole frickin' hours! But, as she said, it's still Texas. And I agree. She makes a comment about it being legal to be shot on sight for breaking and entering and considering that most places in Texas have laws that allow you to have open bottles of liquor as long as your guns are on the gun rack on your truck, I find myself thinking that Maria isn't far off in her estimate.

Futurepharm is pretty dead, which is not what Maria was expecting, but she's ready to shoot to kill if something does show up. But a red light, which should stop her, she says, makes her go snooping around some more. And then she realizes... the flyers she'd passed along the way, the memorials she'd walked by, people missing all over the place...

The bodies are feeding one of Iron Man's Lame rogues gallery members: The Controller!

Well snap. Now we've got another flavor in the plot sauce. Let's see: Brain delete, running from the law, Osborn in charge... and now a villain. Well well, this is going to be a hearty sauce indeed I see.

Side note: It took me until just now, third time through, to realize that this was the Controller. The art is that bad.

Battle Royale:

Tony: "Don't hold back, man. Big Brother isn't just watching, he's taking notes."

Finally, a 1984 reference I've been making since Tony took over SHIELD. Well, well Big Brother. It seems someone else has control of Oceania now, bwahahahaha.

Ahem.

Rhodes: "I strike you as the kind to suddenly hold back? Tony... repulsors be damned--your suit is so old you might as well try attacking me with Skylab. I have nineteen different locks on you, man. How far do you want to take this?" Haha, Skylab. I really laughed at that.

Tony: "All the way, Rhodey. All the way."

Tony wants to keep him talking and shooting so that he doesn't think too hard. Why? Because Rhodey will use that rational logic stuff again and we just can't have that. If Rhodey uses the old brain up in his head, then he'll stop Tony from doing stupid things and this whole arc will be over.

Rhodey: "You asked for it boss."

I will describe this panel in detail because, it's both amazing and hilarious.

War Machine rears back and fires everything he's got at Iron Man. Missiles and repulsor blasts come at Tony from all angles and all he does, is curl up, mid air into the fetal position.

Tony: "Oh Shi--"

The weapons hit Iron Man and he goes down toward the water below them.

Tony: "Great job."

Narration: I redirect everything but life support systems into my palm repulsors.

Iron Man shoots at War Machine with full power.

Luck--lucky shot--

Rhodey: "Shot breached suit. Dammit, Tony... I felt that."

Tony: "Redirect all power to life support. Pressurize inner hull."

Thanks, Rhodey.

Iron Man hits the water, goes under and War Machine chases the splash yelling for Tony. Iron Man is out of sight under the choppy waves of the ocean that's muted gray because apparently that's what it looks like to Larroca. He only goes to the ocean at night or during overcast. The sky behind War Machine does not hint to me that there are enough clouds for that kind of overcast to cloud the water.

Rhodes narration: He breached the suit--Tony knew he was going under the whole time so he breached my suit--

Rhodes: "Good luck, boss man. Give 'em hell."

I started singing All-American Rejects here, but I stopped.

Osborn has watched this whole thing on floating screens like he's Tony Fucking Stark or something. Wannabe. I'm telling you, Osborn has a boy crush on Tones. He cuts the feed and gets up, standing around in a lumpy suit, just like Tony would if he were in that position.

Osborn: "Hand, come here I want you."

This is foreplay before Osborn-- Oh he meant his assistant. She appears in the doorway with a file in hand.

Hand: "Yes, sir?"

Osborn: "Open my private line, please, and shut the door behind you. Now."

Hand: "...yes sir."

Apparently she was expecting something else... perhaps sex. Maybe him yelling at her was her brand of foreplay as well. Oh, she loves a man who treats her like a big sack of poop.

Osborn: "See, now. This is how this thing of our is going to work: I have a little problem headed to your neck of the woods. I'd like you to see if you an take care of it for me. Then I'll owe you a favor."

Reply: "What, Osborn?"

Next Panel: Namor, in all of his Atlantian glory, chilling in his shell throne, looking like a douche. You know, how Narmor rolls.

Osborn: "Tony Stark. Find him and kill him for me."

Namor: "Gladly."

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #12

Invincible Iron Man Issue #10

2009-04-10T09:17:00.000-05:00

Last time, on TONY STARK IS SO EXTREME GUYS!! Tony was deleting his brain with an Auto-lobotomy suicide machine! Maria Hill was captured and then escaped and caught back up with Tony. Norman Osborn held a press conference to bring in Tony and Maria and Pepper Potts is putting Stark Industries to sleep like a dying pet. What kind of adventure are we in for today in...

Invincible Iron Man #10

Norman Osborn is still talking to the press. Well that's great since he apparently loathes talking to the press. Whatever the fuck. Basically what happens here is nothing interesting. Osborn plays big child man by answering every question he's asked with the professional equivalent of "I know something you don't know" with a promptly punctuated raspberry in the face of the public. He's basically covering his ass by dropping words like, "We're trying to find out" and "that's classified" in place of "we have no fucking clue" so that he doesn't lose the precious footing he's gained on slippery rock. They also want to know if Tones can access the Iron Man tech.

Osborn: "I can tell you this--Oscorp is retrofitting any Iron Man technology that HAMMER has seized, and will continue to do so in the name of the public good. The Iron Man will no longer be Stark's personal play thing." Oh right, totally, it was just a fun toy that Tony had, he had no real purpose for the tech at all. "HAMMER is cleaning it alllll up."

Tony and Maria have been watching this whole thing, and again Tony appears more amused than threatened. Remember when Norman Osborn used to be kind of a cool and threatening bad guy? Am I the only one who finds him sort of lame in the Dark Reign? Oh well.

Some chick who looks like Kate Kildare (from The Order people! Read something awesome by Fraction and understand why I am giving IIM a chance.) and Pepper Potts had a child starts off this conversation. She's Kat Farrell from National Pulse:

Kat: "Are you actually bringing any charges against Tony Stark? Has he committed any crimes?"

That's a very good point Kat, let's see what supposedly smart Osborn has to say to you. He's going to have a well thought out, intelligent answer to your question right?

Osborn: "I don't know how to say this any clearer: we have questions. We have an intriguing amount of circumstantial evidence that demands they be asked, and only Tony Stark can answer them. And I don't appreciate your tone, little Missy."

Oh... he told you! Biatch... wait... that wasn't helpful at all. So you mean to tell me you're holding this entire Tony Stark Wanted publicity event and you have no real proof he's done anything wrong or broken any laws and you just want to ask him questions? Wow... someone idolizes Bush a bit too much. Next you're going to bomb a country because they're thinking about not liking America! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Another dude, some old guy with no name from The Financial Times wants to know another important question.

Old guy: "What about Stark Industries?"

Osborn: "They've been blown to hell, torn apart, and from what I understand what's left is being sold off, taken over or just plain failing as a concern. What about Stark Industries?"

Ah yes, Osborn is such a big man.

Stark Industries, Long Island

Pepper Potts sits in ~~Tony's~~ her office looking obliterated. Her right hand dude, who is nameless right now and I will call Man-Pepper, tells her all the rats have left the ship, then explains that their running on a skeleton crew staff and makes a joke about HAMMER seizing assets is a great way to lower payroll. Pepper, is not really amused. Man-Pepper continues that Stark had already liquidated the money making departments and they're running on what is essentially cruise control.

Pepper: "What a month--a month ago? This was a multi-billion-dollar international conglomerate. And now Tony put me in charge of it all just as it's been scuttled? Why would he do this to--why does it have to be me?"

Coughyoumadehimpulltheplugonyourhusbandviaextremiscough. Sorry, there's a bug going around.

Man-Pepper: "Maybe he trusts you. This thing he's shutting down--it was his, it was his father's, it was his grandfather's--and he's not around to do it. He trusts you. When the time came to pull the plug... maybe he wanted you to be the one alone in this room."

Coughbecausehekilledyourhusbandyougettokillhiscompanycough. Geez, I should see a doctor.

Pepper:"Lucky me."

Funtime Inc!

An ironic name, I think. I'm getting it now. Oh Fraction, you card.

Tony is sending Maria to Futurepharm. Remember that place? Where he became all Extremised? I do. Fondly. Anyway, that's where Maria's headed since Stark is back to being hooked up to the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. He's sending her after a hard drive, one of fifteen thousand... because that won't be hard or anything. But lucky for Maria she's got a jump drive to plug in and help her find things. See, Stark is helpful. She calls them Norman Osborn's Bonnie and Clyde and even if Tony looked like Warren Beatty this art would be better. She's not sure that's a good idea, actually she thinks it's a bonkers idea to split up.

But it's necessary, according to Tony, to be bonkers. Now Maria, unhook him from the auto-lobotomy suicide machine... there's more! I can't wait!

It's in these next few panels where Tony's mustache seems to take on a life of its own. It's one size, then it's bigger and then it's smaller and then it's bigger again. I've decided that fat Mexican Tony has a mustache that is magic and can change size depending on his mood. It's a mood 'stache. The art was kind of getting better, until this page where he's again... fatter and mexicanier than ever before. But the exchange is important.

Tony: "This drive when you have it--I need you to deliver it to someone."

Maria: "What am I, your courier?"

Tony: "Listen this is important."

In other words, shut your face bitch. This is plot that makes you useful!

Tony: "Take the drive. Find Captain America. Give it to him."

God and like the most technically advanced wet suit in the world! What the hell is a dead guy going to do with... oh wait. You mean Bucky... fucking Bucky...

Maria: "...That's it? Just find... Captain America? What the hell is on this hard drive of yours Tony...?"

Tony: "This and that." Sudoku mostly. "Hill, you're pretty resourceful. I'm sure you can pull it off. Pretty sure, anyway." Hahaha, dig.

Maria: "And you don't have a Avengers decoder ring you can give me, or anything? A secret handshake I can give him? An email address?"

Tony: "Sure just drop him a line. He's at Cap@Us.gov Do it from a public library though so Osborn can't track you." Bwahaha there's the Stark Snark!

Maria: "Now you're making jokes?"

Tony: "It's that or start crying." Downer.

Tony tells Maria that while she's hunting down the needle in a haystack and sent in search of Bucky, and Pepper is putting Stark Industries to sleep, he's going to run like hell. He needs to connect to repulsor power finish his brain deletion and that's either in the Iron Man suit or in one of his armories (which are apparently EVERYWHERE which is a bit unsettling and yet sort of amazing). He tells her that Osborn will be shutting down all of his stuff soon so as soon as he activates a station Osborn will be able to come after him. It's Doomsday time kids, according to Tony, and he's pretty convinced they've lost... at least this battle. Maria is still stuck on the massive amounts of armories and wonders just how many armors Tony has. Well.. Tony has a few...

He turns on the light in room, wall to wall Iron Man armors. Well. No wonder they are so expensive. And apparently you can change clothes super fast because all I saw you do was put on a jacket over your shiny gold suit, Tony. But now, no jacket... wife-beater and cargo pant things. Tony, you are an international man of mystery with your quick change ability.

It's that time again... for Tony self-loathing hour, guest starring Maria Hill.

Tony: "My armories can't fall into Osborn's hands."

Maria: "Got it."

Tony: "I screwed up, Hill."

Maria is clearly bored of this, she's been listening to it since Tony started working at SHIELD.

Maria: "It's okay."

Shut up bitch, I'm being self-loathing here, is Tony's inner monologue. In my mind.

Tony: "No, It's not okay, I've made such a horrible mess--I never--I'm saying I'm sorry, Hill, I--"

Tony leans in and the two of them have some smooching. Now this is a make out kiss. This is the fuck for the end of the world. Oy vey. If the art were good, this would be hot. It isn't so it's not. Where it stands it's just Maria getting what we all knew was coming to her since they paired them up in Director of SHIELD. Maria Hill is the next victim of... say it with me: Tony Stark's Dick of Death!

Tony pins Maria to the wall with his kisses before breaking to say what we all know is a line he uses on all the girls.

Tony: "That was wildly inappropriate."

Maria: "Yeah well. No future, right?"

Maria takes off his shirt. They kiss again with Maria now braced on the wall with her legs wrapped around Tony's torso. Bow chica bow wow!

Meanwhile, as Tony and Maria get lucky and seal Maria's infinite doom, Pepper Potts is sitting in the office at SI looking like she's about to fall asleep, since I imagine the amount of emotion she's used up in this situation has exhausted her. Pepper is slowly becoming my favorite part of this arc because she's... well she's rational. Ms. Victoria Hand is on TV talking on some pundit show about how Tony has to turn himself in at Restoration Park in the morning to prove he's not guilty otherwise they're going to assume he's running and they're not afraid to treat him the way he treated Bill Foster, Steve Rogers and "poor" Janet Van Dy-- But she's cut off when Pepper hauls a paper weight at the screen and breaks the television.

Pepper continues her feats of strength by throwing aside the lamp and papers on the desk, screaming "Dammit, Tony!" which are her most used words in this arc. Then, she tosses the desk chair into the wall, nailing a picture of Her, Happy and Tony (back when Tony had a van dyke... Lord do I miss the van dyke) and reveals a button to a secret passage. PEPPER SMASH!!!

She opens the door with a "Holy Crap."

Pepper finds a female version of the Iron Man suit that seems to be modelled after her. I don't care if people think this is fanboyish or stupid or whatever... I think it's awesome and about time Pepper got to play. I mean, Rhodes got his own armor and didn't know Tony nearly as long. And Henry? He got to be Anthem and got his own slew of super powers. What did Pepper do? Communications for The Order.

I will for the rest of this armor's existence refer to it as "Iron Potts" and you cannot stop me.

Restoration Park:

Well we all knew that Tony wasn't going to show. And there's Osborn in the "Iron Patriot" armor. I'm going to pause here while I continue to vomit in my mouth every time I see this disgusting atrocity. Osborn himself is an atrocity and now he's turned Iron Man and Captain America, the spirit of their mantel into... malarkey is all I've got. Whatever, so Tony is late and here goes Osborn to do his blah blah blah I'M A BIG JERKFACE! and I find myself missing the days of the Green Goblin.

15 minutes after Tony was supposed to be there, we get...

Osborn: "I'm issuing a warrant for the arrest of Anthony Edward Stark. For crimes against humanity, collusion with alien menace, flight from justice, conspiracy, criminal neglect and treason against the planet Earth."

I think only like... three of those are actual crimes. I think he's just making this up as he goes along. Treason against planet Earth? Is that for real real or just for play play?

Blah blah blah the shutting down of Stark Industries as we see the SWAT teams raid locations in Chicago (whoo shout out from Chi town, what!), LA and Rome. They're seizing assets and Interpol (I hope they sing 'Slow Hands') assists HAMMER as they oversee the raids. SI data, hardware, software, equipment and tech are all being taken hoping it will lead to arresting Stark. This is all apparently to end "Tony Stark's reign of terror".

So... there's that...

Then we see the HAMMER SWAT guys starting to wrangle employees and setting Stark buildings on fire while Osborn bathers on about Stark commanding loyalty and anyone who resists arrest should be treated as if they are obstructing the HAMMER of Justice. This happens in Berlin, Hong Kong, Seattle until we're finally brought back to Manhattan to see Man-Pepper again, trying to stop the SWAT from busting into CEO Pepper's office without a warrant.

Man-Pepper gets the butt of a rifle to the nose for his trouble and regrets the day he signed his application for Stark Industries employment. Apparently, according to HAMMER SWAT guy, he's also a hippie and the gun is the warrant. If only I'd known a suit and a corporate job made me a hippie and carrying a large rifle was considered a warrant, I would have a been a gun toting unshaved, free-lovin' fiend, taking the law into my own hands with my "warrant".

Now is my favorite line in any comic ever and it comes from said HAMMER SWAT man:

"You're under arrest. Forever." Oh fucking snap. Man-Pepper has so been told!

They take Man-Pepper down to arrest him and see if he's a Skrull, then beat down the office door. There is no Pepper in there. So they drag in Man-Pepper and hold a gun to his head, demanding to know where she is. He turns to the open secret door and says "There?" because he doesn't know and he just wants to go take a nap and maybe see someone about his nose. I feel bad for poor Man-Pepper. To think, he got this job and thought it was going to be awesome.

Meanwhile...

Maria Hill wakes up alone post coitus. She's not surprised. Neither are we, Maria. We'd be more surprised if you woke up cuddling with Tony like this was some adorable rom com. I sense a fanfic from someone who is not me coming on, again... that corner of the Internet for Maria/Tony shippers.

He did have the good manners to leave a note:

BLOW IT UP! RUN LIKE HELL!

Maria leaves, she does a magic quick change too and goes from sheet to clothes as she enters the room of wall to wall armor and finds the missing armor, saying "Go Tony Go".

HAMMER SWAT and Man-Pepper look to the sky, they are not surprised by the ceiling exit. No one here is surprised by anything.

Maria blows up the armory, she narrates Well. No turning back now.

Tony in an old armor, that looks like the old sentient DESIGN (IT IS NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN). He also narrates Well. No turning back now.

Iron Potts stands on the edge of the SI building and narrates Well. No turning back now.

This is the land of Cheesy Issue Endings: Population Invincible Iron Man #10

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #11

Invincible Iron Man Issue #9

2009-04-10T09:16:00.000-05:00

Tony and SHIELD are out. Osborn and HAMMER are in. We don't know what HAMMER stands for yet, but hopefully it isn't Norman's penis. And the only copy of the Superhuman Registration Database is where? Well, in Tony's brain of course. This can only go downhill right? Right!

Invincible Iron Man #9

Funtime, Inc.

So for some reason, between the last issue and now, Tony has become a fatter mexicanier version of himself. And he's also sitting in a chair hooked up to some kind of octopus contraption with a big light above his head. It's like part Emperor Palpatine's throne and part something from a sci-fi movie where someone will end up mind controlled or electrocuted. To make this even stranger he's wearing a shiny gold version of Pepper's suit from the previous issue, sans the knee pads. I think this might be his under armor but... I don't know anymore. Maybe he just likes to walk around in shiny gold body suits. At any rate, Tony gives us a monologue to update us on what's going on and backtrack a little for those playing the home game as he's explaining to Pepper and Maria.

Tony: "Undergoing the Extremis procedure remade my body from the inside out. Long story short, my body was turned into a kind of computer designed to interface with the Iron Man. There was no longer a division between me and the suit. My brain... evolved, I guess, into a kind of hard drive. There's all kinds of stuff on that hard drive that Norman Osborn wants or would what, if he knew it existed. Howtos for the Iron man, for Extremis, for repulsor tech... every file Stark Industries ever digitized, dating back to my father's patents. The personnel files for every SHIELD agent regardless of their cover, since the agency's inception... the Superhuman Registration Database is just the tip of the iceberg."

Tony then explains this, I'm only writing it all out because he explains his throne and this is important to the story arc..

Tony: "These repulsor-powered terminal stations allow me to access my brain directly. Starkdrive 000. I can treat it like any other external drive a computer might have. Which is how we're going to erase it. And my brain is the sole copy. During the Skrull invasion they waged war on Stark tech and infected the entire dataspine with a virus. But it couldn't get in my head to wipe the data--now it's on us to take care of it."

Pepper: Tony, you're talking about your brain, not a damn ipod that's on the fritz-- what do you mean "wipe your data," exactly? What does that mean for you?"

Tony: "Exactly what it sounds like. We're going to upload a kind of program into my cerebellum--into what you'd understand as my cerebellum--and as long as I'm hooked into a terminal like this, it'll basically erase the entirety of my head." That sounds strange since, well... it's really not going to make his actual head disappear. But I'm willing to chalk that up to him meaning his brain. "It's the biological equivalent of zeroing out my brain cells. The good news is that everything--every state secret, every plan, everything Osborn wants will be obliterated. The bad news is, I will be too. Memory, personality, all of it. Even my neural pathways and reflexes will be blanked. Wiping it all away until--well, quite
frankly--brain death. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice." Told you it'd come back.

So in non-Tony speak: This machine deletes his brain. Maria and Pepper are not even remotely amused by Tony's thumbs up on this situation. Nor would I be really, because this sounds like not such a good idea. But that's Stark for you, always doing crazy things... TO THE EXTREME! Some day Tony will learn that there are more rational ways to handle situations, but then again he won't be Tony when he does. My biggest question is after World's Most Wanted will the story become about Pepper feeding a mostly brain dead Tony while he claps his hands and says "I'm Iron Man!" and she says "Yes you are... okay now open up for the airplane."?

At this point Maria Hill now voices her opinion that this is a horrible plan. One of the few things Maria and the general population of Marvel fans will agree on, ever. She tells him that he's the smart guy on the team and he can't just turn his brain into mush. Tony tells her to back the fuck off, and requests back up from Super Potts. Problem is that Pepper sorta kinda agrees with Maria, Stark's actions basically amounting to glorified suicide.

For some reason, Maria grabs his face to reason with him, but the way it's drawn sort of makes it look like she's got her thumbs up his nose. That's just... really not necessary and as she does this she reaffirms Pepper's idea that it's not so bad that he needs to go to "catastrophic lengths".

Tony puts on his angry face in the next panel where he sort of looks like Antonio Banderas in a Josh Holloway sauce. He tells her that if Osborn gets his hands on Tony he will essentially be able to rule the world. Since no one really wants that, this argument is supposed to back up his Plan O Crazypants. So, Maria, also a student of the Rational School for Rational Thinking and Rational Plans, decides he should just blow his brains out...

These two should never be in charge of the fate of the other... seriously.

She offers her gun. Pepper is shocked and appalled and the only person using a brain in this room... Tony's only reason for declining the gun is the following:

Tony: "Because sometimes bullets do weird things. And it might not destroy the part of my mind where the data is stored."

So in other words, if bullets were completely predictable and guaranteed that the data would be destroyed... he'd be all for this idea. Let's all have a golf clap for Tony. Also, if Osborn gets the stuff out of his brain matter that will be bad. Pepper is still not really sure what to do to stop this nutbar behavior, as Tony and Maria continue to inhabit the Land of Crazy Chat. She suggests psychics. Stupid Maria, psychics can't access hard drives, is basically Tony's reply. Tony says this to finally emphasis his point:

Tony: "Look, if Norman gets my head and strip-mines the data out of it, it's over okay? And by it I mean life as we know it. I've made a lot of mistakes and the biggest one was never, ever thinking we'd screw up so bad--that I'd screw up so bad--so as to turn my very life into a liability. I have a plan. Everything's going to be okay. But you guys gotta help me. It takes three people. I can't do it alone."

I know this is supposed to be a good moment, and it is but I can't help the mental image of Osborn with Tony's decapitated head on his desk, digging out the brains like a jack o' lantern.

Tony give an innocent and reassuring yet sly Tonyesque smile and it's on to the next page...

Maria: "You unbelievable, stubborn son of a--"

Pepper: "Maria."

No no, Potts. Let this go. She's got kind of a point here.

Maria: "I'm not going to help Tony Stark kill himself because imaginary bogeymen are coming to steal his thoughts." Okay, LOL Maria. LOL. "I appreciate that you've got a long history of enabling the guy, though, so you go right ahead. In the mean time, you two can go to hell."

Tony's off in La La La I'm deleting my brain land as Maria tries to make a dramatic exit but the door asks her questions and she's stuck in there. Maria Hill is apparently played by Angelina Jolie but only for this one panel. Tony tells her that she needs to enter information: birthday, social security number (Tony's is five right? I learned that in the movie). and whatever her last SHIELD passkey string was. The door now wants to know if she's sober and Tony claims it's an old alarm system to prevent him from trying to play Iron Man while he was schwastey face. It asks her if she's sure then asks her if she wants to execute. He tells her to type y.

And Tony gets a little jolty jolt.

Maria: "...Tony did you just trick me into doing whatever you needed me to do?"

Tony: "Be seeing you, Maria. And be careful."

Pepper looks pretty miserable. It's true what Maria said, she's learned over the years that once Tony gets one of his "genius ideas" there's no ~~reasoning with him~~ talking him out of it.

H.A.M.M.E.R. Base - Chelsea Piers

Norman Osborn has broken the windows with his fists of doom, apparently. He's punched two cracked spots and sent some rippling cracks through the rest of the window. Well, that's just... painful and unnecessary, we see by the bleeding fists hanging at his side, the weird creepy blank face he has as he stares out the window. Oh and the blood on the window and his shoes. Is he supposed to be sympathetic in this picture? Am I supposed to care about Osborn? I sure hope not.

Ms. Unfortunately named Hand comes in and tells "Commander" Osborn that the inspection crew is here. He says to wait outside, which I'm not really sure why and then he goes with her to a green room as she explains that they've been doing evaluations of all Stark equipment that was there and checking operating data and it's turning up exactly... nada. Are we surprised? No. And any Stark information can't be obtained without... well we don't really know but Osborn cuts her off by saying he knows the legal hoops to obtaining said data. I assume now, she means warrants. He also wants the whole place recreated exactly at Thunderbolts mountain and wears his sunglasses at night... I guess. He's apparently in love with Stark's work here, because imitation is the highest form of flattery. That's sort of gay Osborn. I sense somewhere, some tiny corner of the internet a fangirl has begun shipping Osborn/Stark.

And he's going to crack Stark in two. Which, you know I'd like to see him try honestly. All of this, I remind you, over spilled champagne.

Some HAMMER toady comes in huffing that all the comms and stuff are still down, which Osborn knows silly pants, but they've found Hill. Osborn wants him to make it messy. Well, what a thing to say. She didn't spill the champagne. Guilt by association?

Georgetown, Washington DC

Speaking of Maria Hill, she's walking down the street to her apartment with her arms full of groceries. Narration tells us that she hasn't been there in about three months because well let's face it, if you work for Tony Stark, you work on his schedule. She's got too many keys. And she lives on the third story because she's a cheapskate and wants to save fifty bucks in exchange for more stairs. I know SHIELD pays better than that.

She opens the door as she says "Home sweet home" to be met by sight lasers hitting her chest and head. The guys I assume are from HAMMER SWAT division and have been taking wardrobe cues from Wesley Gibson back in Wanted, the comic not the movie. Even after leader of the SWAT tells her to stop, fair warning here, or he'll shoot, Maria decides to make a run for it, like any self-respecting moron would do. She runs, they fire. You were warned Maria. I sense the fans getting a bit excited that perhaps this is the last of Maria, but it's not. She some how manages to not be shot by several men with machine guns she's out maneuvered.

With a fire extinguisher. That's either really badass or proves just how stupid and lame the people who work for HAMMER are. Remember, Maria, these people probably once worked for you and Stark. Good training. She knocks one guy in the face with it, manages to some how get a hold of a hand gun and it's a typical action movie stance with the two of them standing with guns trained on each other. But, he's got back up so in this case, Maria is not going to win. She surrenders, drops the weapon and is going to do this calmly. She puts her hands behind her head...

And is struck in the head with the brunt of a hand gun. Come on guys, Maria's feisty but she was coming willingly. Bad form bad guys, bad form...oh yeah... bad guys. Never mind.

Art is apparently brought to you by Star Wars references because this craft they're using to take Maria in is oddly similar to crafts I've seen in those movies. But then again, since Larroca is probably tracing everything... I'm not surprised.

Maria wakes up on said craft and the guys are talking crap about her, and I think they're reporting to Ms. Hand. Their orders are to pop her. Maybe they aren't talking to Hand. Is that Fifty Cent on the other end of your communicator? Nice. Maria struggles, guy is just following orders right? Hmm.. we've talked about this recently. She kicks the guy in the face and his name is Steve. The pilot said so. Maria uses the chain on her cuffs to take the pilot and the craft down in the ocean. Where she unbelievably swims to safety. Really, I don't believe she survived that. Her hands are apparently no longer bound together. That's important to note.

Back where things are crazy...

Pepper and Tony work on a poorly drawn console, he's still hooked up to his octopus machine that will delete his brain. Pepper notes she's putting in the same questions that Maria was asked by the door when she tried to storm out dramatically. Tony is like, duh. Pepper offers this insight, and I thank her for it because it caused a dear friend of mine to name the machine he uses.

Pepper: "You routed the initiation sequence to gradually auto lobotomize yourself into a security pad. And made it so the only way Hill could leave was by initiating her portion."

I'm going to forgive her unnecessary recap of the previous pages of the comic to say this: Machine is now known as the auto-lobotomy suicide machine!

Tony: "You make it sound really... Machiavellian, but yeah, that's what I did. I set up a few extraordinary procedure protocols... that needed to be triggered by me and you and Hill, big decisions, important decisions."

Then this narration comes in, with a the panel of a scene where dear Tony in one of the more ancient models of the Iron Man slams into a wall and causes some serious damage to said wall, and probably himself. This is hilarious but has some narration that I think is just there to reiterate what a schwastey face booze hound Tony was before AA. It doesn't really seem to have anything to do with this situation really.. but he says:

I've done a lot of dumb things while drunk. Things that, but for the grace of God didn't kill anybody.

Although I'm unsure to why this was brought up, I do like this line. I think it says a lot about Tony's feelings on himself and the behavior he once engaged in during the... drunk years... and most of his life. It's a good insight to the fact that alcoholism is Tony Stark's scarlet letter.

He tells Pepper that he's smart enough to set up decision-execution that is smarter than he is by relying on her. He wanted them to be at his side when he made the decisions because they are the people he trusts most in the world. Pepper excepts this. It's a nice sentiment. Here's the thing, people. I get that you might not like that Tony trusts Maria because of various behaviors she exhibited during the Civil War. But at the end of the day, when the chips are down you have to trust the people that have been loyal to you and are still in your corner. Maria, while her motives might have been somehow questionable, has been steadfast by Tony's side (even if they didn't always agree) since he took over Director of SHIELD. She's proven herself to Stark and as a man who's dealt with politicians he knows that loyalty is a commodity that is hard to come by legitimately.

They keep working. Tony gets another little jolty jolt and Pepper is surprised and a bit upset. And that's the game people. He's done. There were no fireworks because he says they should save them for a celebration.

Pepper: "So... so what comes next? You just wait for your brain to forget to breathe?"

Tony, cups Pepper's cheek and avoids the question with this:

Tony: "Well, good news and bad news. At Long Island there are papers waiting for you to sign. I've abdicated my role as CEO of Stark and I've nominated you to replace me. Congrats, Pep. You're the boss. Now the bad news: Stark is a dying concern. I've ordered the place shut down. You could reverse the decision, I suppose, but you shouldn't. I need you to be there to put her down, Pep."

Pepper returns the gesture as a somber looking Antonio Holloway Tony looks about ready to crack. It's a sad moment, despite the horrible art. Stark is shutting down his life's work, his family's company. This time, he's really losing it and there isn't shit he can do about it.

Pepper: "Tony-- is it really that grim?"

Tony: "Pep, we got blown up by Stane and then monsters from outer space made every piece of our technology fail in the middle of an interstellar invasion. And then Norman Osborn saved the world while I clearly did not. It's grim. C'mon, the sooner you sign the papers, the sooner--"

Pepper: "Tony."

Tony: "--Pepper, don't--"

Pepper: "I'm not going to leave until you tell me what you're doing. What about you? What. Comes. Next?"

If the art were better, Tony standing there in the skin tight gold shiny suit would turn me on... that nicely sculpted body is delicious looking as they stand an arms length apart and she holds his hand.

Tony: "If you don't know what I'm doing, you won't have to lie about what I'm doing when Norman Osborn deposes you."

Pepper: "I... I just can't believe this is it."

This next panel might spark some controversy. I like it, personally. Tony and Pepper share a kiss. It's not a make out, it's not a sloppy pin on the wall and fuck you blind kiss. It's a simple, sweet, friendly good-bye kiss. These two have had feelings for each other in the past but I really think that neither of them are interested in rekindling the never quite realized flame here at the end of the world. It's just a simple, good-bye because they may never see each other again.

Tony hugs Pepper, who is literally now fighting the urge to crumble.

Pepper: "Godspeed, Tony Stark."

Tony: "Godspeed, Pepper Potts."

I won't lie to you, I was teary eyed the first time I read that.

Thunderbolts Mountain!

Norman Osborn has a press conference. Awesome. He's introduced by Ms. Hand to talk to the press. Behind him will eventually be mug shot photos of Tony, which I don't know how he obtained considering Tony was never caught by him and hasn't been really, arrested before. Same picture from the cover art. Whatever. This is what happens on the next couple pages. Sadly, it's important so I have to type Osborn word for word after the brief paraphrasing.

Blah blah blah Osborn is a a man of action and he'd rather just take up fisticuffs with Tony and hates talking to the media. He's not in charge of SHIELD and that crap and Ms Hand supposedly found some wonderful memo... blah blah blah he is very boring.

Osborn: We've found what indicated as SHIELD Executive Memo #262. It gives us reason to believe Tony Stark aka Iron Man and his right hand woman Maria Hill, had not just reasonable suspicion but actionable intelligence suggesting the Skrull invasion was imminent. And clearly they did nothing to prevent it or stop it. In fact the executive memo indicates Stark and Hill sought to negotiate... for earth's safety. As you might imagine, getting to the bottom of this is taking some doing, but we have crack HAMMER data forensics trams working around the clock... to determine what Stark and Hill knew and when they knew it. In the meanwhile... I'm making Tony Stark HAMMER's number one priority. I'm asking Tony Stark and Maria Hill to turn themselves in immediately for questioning. In fact, before coming out here to address you I received word that Hill, Stark's current head of security, fled arrest in Georgetown."

Cut to Tony who is working on an old armor while watching this crap play out on the TV.

Obsorn: "So we're considering them both flight risks. Of course, we expected them to flee, but HAMMER believes everyone is innocent until proven guilty."

Tony: "I'll be damned."

Obsorn through the TV: We'll be training every HAMMER Security camera, every CCTV cam at traffic lights and ATMs, every traffic helicopter... soon every eye in the world will be on the lookout for Tony Stark."

LOL Tony, you pwned.

Door opens. Shadow of someone coming in.

Voice: "Tony, it's--"

Tony flips around with repulsor ready to shoot the intruder on his solitude. He blasts at...

Maria Hill.

Tony barks at her about almost incinerating her. She fills him in on where she's been, still cuffed now... (continuity error here, because when she cam out of the water she wasn't) and says that he was right. Tony is always right you silly people. She wants to know what's next. We'll find out, in the next issue Maria, just like you will. For now..

Final page:

Stark on the wall. Osborn on the TV. Pepper Potts sits in Tony's office, signing papers as they are handed to her by three men in suits. She's in tears.

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #10

Invincible Iron Man Issue #8

2009-04-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

When last we left Tony Stark he was at the end of Secret Invasion, his whole life flipped upside down by Norman Osborn who yanked the rug of power from underneath an unprepared Tony, blaming him for the Alien Invasion and the myriad of other things that had gone wrong since the Civil War. That and his company had been brutally assaulted by the crazy child of Obediah Stane, with another great biblical name, Ezekiel.

Tony had a fun little romp with Spidey, before the invasion, and with his company in shambles from one of E. Stane's attacks, Tony was left to pick up the pieces of Stark Industries.

Invincible Iron Man Issue 8

"This is the way the end of the world begins..." Our opening narration.

Maria Hill packs up her desk and there's a bit of narration about her and her work at SHIELD, she packs up a picture of her and Nick Fury with I think what's supposed to be Dum Dum Dugan in the background (and I know we're into terrible art) as a man scrapes her name off the door. Former colleagues and SHIELD (now H.A.M.M.E.R.) agents laugh and take pictures on their phone of the disgraced Hill who leaves the premises with her head held high. I actually kind of feel bad for Hill, don't hate me for her growing on me.

Her narration ends with page with "It's guys like Walsh--" who I assume is the ugly guy taking phone pictures of her leaving. "that made this a lousy place to work..."

Narration continues on the next page with the heading H.A.M.M.E.R. Shipbreaking Facility, Chelsea Piers: and Iron Man showing up on the scene.

"..And it was guys like Tony Stark that kept me coming back."

Narration changes out of Hill's perspective: "People are resilient all over. Pushing them down only ever serves to make them stand up even stronger... to put aside all the crap... and get back to work. One day soon this'll just be another Tuesday."

Next page the narration continues: "At least that's what Tony Stark tells himself as he slices the sky over the salvage sight below. The world's foremost futurist is overwhelmed by the scale. The scale of the ruined helicarrier, the scale of the carnage unleashed on his city, the scale of the reconstruction effort to rebuild it... and the scale of his failure.. I should seen it coming..."

"I should have seen it coming."

Tony lands in the Iron Man suit, ready to assist the now HAMMER workers with their clearly displayed hammer patches. They really aren't thrilled to have him there but send him off to do some heavy lifting, but Tony is happy to help even as he inner monologues that he's privy to their distaste for his presence. They want his help, but they don't want him. They don't want him around cleaning up the mess... or, he says, his mess. Iron Man carries some big chunks of structural debris as he narrates to catch up the reader on the state of Stark after the events of the Secret Invasion.

"And to be perfectly honest, I'm not terribly capable at the moment of doing much else in the armor. When all the Stark Technology was attacked during the Invasion and failed, the Extremis conduit that linked me to the suit failed too. Trying to operate this suit without Extremis is like trying to fly six stealth bombers at once. And between the invasion and Stane's raids on Stark Industries I haven't had time--or the facilities-- to engineer and fabricate a new suit--dammit--"

In non-Tony speak, this means Extremis is now no longer a factor in his abilities and his suit is hard to operate. For those playing the home game, Tony's obsolete.

The suit malfunctions as these things do, causing Tony, the suit and the debris he's carrying into the ocean. When he resurfaces his narration gives us a little taste of the Stark Snark:

"...I actually can't conceive of a way for this to get any worse."

Tony is promptly proven wrong when a crumpled soda can bounces off his helmet with the words "You moron." being yelled from off the page.

On the next page we learn the source is Angry HAMMER Construction Guy, he proceeds to call Tony an idiot and tells him to get the hell out of there because he almost got everyone killed. He doesn't care who Tony used to be because AHCG wants him off the damn site. Oh, and Tony should be arrested. AHCG needs to take a Prozac because from what I saw, Tony nearly killed himself... no one else appeared to be in any immediate danger.

We get some more of Tony's narration: "Look at them. The faces of the people I used to protect. Contempt, embarrassment, distrust. Believe me, pal... I'll be gone soon
enough."

Don don dooooon...

Back at base we get a little taste of Pepper Potts, who is slowly becoming super Pepper. Again for those who haven't been playing the home game, Pepper was in one of Stane's explosions and suffered... shrapnel injuries, stop me if you've heard this one before, and needed to be fit with a repulsormagnet in her chest to save her life. She's relaxing back in what looks like Tony Stark's dentist chair, if he were a crazy dentist from a B-Horror flick.

And she's wearing a shiny silver body suit. With knee pads. Why? I'm not entirely sure.

Narration: Pepper Potts wonders... where is the line drawn? Between man and machine? Where does her humanity end? Her body is changing in ways that startle and surprise her." It's called pubert--oh wait...

"She doesn't even need the glasses anymore but she wears them out of habit. She can feel her eyes correct against them every time she puts them on."

Pepper asks, in narration: "How much else of me is changing?" Are you there God? It's me, Pepper.

Fraction's Judy Bloom moment is over because in comes Tony, drawn as if he was somehow made into a Mexican Josh Holloway. Larroca's art is going to be a big detriment to this story, but we'll make due. He's in a tank top and what look like sweat pants, because he's so classy, drying his hair post dip in the ocean. He apologizes for being late and tells her that he had a little swim, in which we get some Pepper/Tony banter which I love so very much.

Tony: "I crashed the Iron Man into the drink today's been great. How're you?"

Pepper: "Well I'm hooked up to a giant thingy. So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice." (Pay attention this phrase will be used again in a later issue.)

Tony: "Indeed you are and indeed you do."

He asks her if she's ready for an upgrade, she's not sure to what but she's game because I don't really think Pepper has a choice in the matter.

We find out on the next page, where Tony does some adjusting to Pepper's reactor which gives her a little bit of a jolt. It makes her feel amazing apparently, if her narration is any indication. Tony talks to her about how he misses the Extremis and well, of course he does, and talks about how once he's done with her today she'll be living on the bleeding edge like he once was. Which is good, since they won't have access to his labs much longer, you know... what with being usurped and all . Apparently her awesome repulsomagnetic tech is speeding up her metabolism, making her core strength stronger giving her better reaction time and reflexes and raising her IQ 25 or 30 points. So see, Super Pepper is born in a lab... oh my god, he's making her Captain America. Stop it, Tony.

Pepper: "Tony Stark. Are you transforming me into your dream girl?"

On the next page we get Tony's reply and the rest of this amazing exchange (seriously, I think it's amazing).

Tony: "Actually my dream girls at the moment are a gaggle of Icelandic flight attendants I met snowboarding."

He points to their picture on the screen where he should be running the schematics of Pepper's upgrade.

Tony: "Triplets. Their parents owned a yoga studio, if you can believe it."

Pepper: "I'm a little disturbed that in the middle of a complicated biotech procedure, you've got your own Girls Gone Wild slideshow so readily available. In fact, I think it's wildly inappropriate."

Tony: "Oh, come on, Pepper. You know you were always my dream girl."

Pepper: "..."

Millions of Pepper/Tony shippers out there squeal with delight while everyone else feels the discomfort of Fraction possibly hooking them up in the future. I remain optimistic that he's smarter than that, and this banter is just sweet and an example of how close the two of them are in their friendship.

Pepper changes the subject to how Tony will handle being tossed out of his job and home and replaced with Osborn. Her questions lead us into the next page where...

Tony stands in what was his office but is now Osborn's in what was once his home but is now Osborn's home. Talk about awkward, this is where there should be an uncomfortable collar pull. Osborn has his own version of Pepper, whose name is Ms. Hand. Which is weird and slightly unfortunate for her. Osborn is also apparently a snake now in the most literal of senses, since when Tony arrives he says Sssstark in what I only imagine is some sort of sleazy hissing.

For those playing the home game, we recently learned the history (via the Uncanny X-Men Annual #2 or as I call it, Emma Frost Will Fuck Anything) of why Osborn has such disdain for Tony. Once upon a time when Tony was new to the world of being a CEO Obsorn and himself had a little encounter at the Hellfire Club. While Tony flirted with everyone, including the White Queen Emma Frost, he spilled champagne on Osborn, who squealed like a bitch and then proceeded to leave. Apparently, making Norman Osborn have cause to send a suit to the dry cleaner is bad fucking form. It is also cause to ruin someone's life, which is why in this case Tony has been so screwed.

Tony (of course) can't help himself from checking out Ms Hand's assets as she exits the office, before having a conversation with Osborn about how he's about to leave. Tony can't really stomach the forced pleasantries for long, and eighty sixes it. All this over some spilled sauce, eh Tones? If only you'd hit AA sooner...

Tony: "Oh come off it, Norman, you and I both know--"

Obsorn: Ah-ah-ah.

Continued on the next page:

Osborn: "Don't. Don't come near me. Because if you come any closer... any closer at all..." The art in this next panel is where Osborn puts on his HOMICIDAL MANIAC face. "...I might just be tempted to break your neck. You traitorous scum."

Tony isn't really threatened, he's actually kind of annoyed. I mean, I would be too. Champagne doesn't stain. Not really, it's a clear beverage.

Tony: "Traitorous? Wow. Okay, boss. As you wish."

Osborn: "You have turned over all H.A.M.M.E.R. property, and removed all of your personal effects, yes?"

Tony: "Yes. When I leave I'm gone. Everything that's mine will be gone too."

Osborn: "And you'll take nothing that belongs to me."

Oh Osborn, you're really a big child aren't you? You take your toys and leave mine alone.

Tony: "To H.A.M.M.E.R. you mean. I belongs to H.A.M.M.E.R. not you."

I'll sum up the rest. Osborn dismisses Tony's correction as "semantics" and inquires about the database, in which Tony asks what database. The Superhuman Registration database which Osborn thinks he now deserves access to. Tony, is not so down with that and replies to him that it is not a personal file-o-fax that he can browse at his leisure. He needs warrants, probable cause and a federal judge... but he's cut off by Osborn saying commander.

Apparently, Obsorn is now a commander and Tony is just done with this. Which is good because he's being the bigger man and walking away before this turns into something bigger. He leaves Osborn with these words.

Tony: "You don't get to go flipping through the database any more than you get to seize some one's cell phone records or decide to call yourself commander." Oh burn, Tony. "Good luck running the world, Osborn. Don't squeeze too tight too fast or all the good parts will dribble out right between your fingers. I'll show myself out."

I actually think this is a pretty good moment, as if Tony's almost speaking from experience. I recall back in Invincible Iron Man 7 when Peter wished him luck in running the world. Tony knows what it's like to have it all, to "run the world" and I think he feels that that might be where he failed. He squeezed too hard and too fast and he lost the good parts.

The next page shows us the exit scan process of Tony, Hill and I assume Pepper since we see the reactor magnet thing in the chest of her skeletal frame. It looks like it's a rather dehumanizing process, which is no surprise since Osborn's running the show now.

We now get to see Maria Hill again. I will say this now before we go any further, I neither hate nor love Maria Hill. I will be unbiased in regards to her because that's what a good recapper does. She's growing on me, I'll admit so don't get mad at me if I provide any insights that might sympathize with her or try to understand her. You've been disclaimered.

Tony's getting into a red Lamborghini that flies. Why do I know it's a flying Lamborghini? It has Delorian doors. Maria Hill is following suit. They have the following conversation (reproduced it its entirety)

Maria; "That was the most humiliating thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. And I had to work as your subordinate."

Tony: "Hill, please-- Imagine how mortified I was. Every day, having to use small words around you, to speak slowly, to prepare all those flash cards so you'd not forget your duties- get in--"

Maria: "Erm"

Tony: "Anyway, best not to think about it yes? Time to put this nightmare behind us."

Maria: "If you say so."

Tony: "I say so. Cheer up, Hill. Today's the first day of the rest of our careers."

The car takes to the air.

Maria: "What the hell does that even mean?"

Tony: "For the first time in my life... I have no idea."

See? That was important. Tony is always a man with a plan, a futurist who knew the next three moves in advance. The fact that he's now clueless as to what to do next is a big deal for him. A big, damn deal.

The next page has Osborn dismissing Hand's service for the night. Wow, that sounded vaguely sexual. I now learn I cannot refer to her as simply Hand. Ms Hand is done with her job for the night. Still doesn't work. Well, damn. Oh well. Osborn is now alone and begins trying to access the Superhuman Registration Database, or for my own sanity, SHRD. He searches Spider-Man (of course). Nothing. Perturbed, he tries Ms. Marvel. Nada enchilada. Dammit, he's angry now. Ronin. Nope. Daredevil. Sorry. Iron Man: Tony Stark That's all he gets. He is not a happy super-villain.

In comes Ms Hand and she has a tag along named Agent Perry who explains the following information to Woobie Osborn.

As the database was initiated it triggered a virus or kill code, they aren't sure yet at this point, but to the best of their knowledge it took out all of H.A.M.M.E.R.'s systems (oh snap) from the diagnostics to the central control servers and the Intel mainframes. As is always the case with these things, there is good news and bad news. Good news is that they didn't lose any personnel-critical systems no planes crashed or anything, so it was what Y2K promised to be. However, the bad news is that anything that ran on any kind of code is toast.

Home game time: No more database. Oops.

Osborn: "Of course you know, this means war."

At Funtime, Inc... I don't really know what that is...

I'll sum this up, while funny it's not really plot necessary. Tony, Pepper and Maria are eating Chinese and discussing Eichmann the designer of the Holocaust and how usually when events that bad happen it's because people were just following orders. How he was a high school drop out who was just doing his job, he wasn't insane or anything along those lines. Power gets abused and it's rare that it's a big villain who does the abusing. Pepper mentions:

"Real evil just happens and real people sometimes just let it. People just follow orders. Just obey the law. In spite of how wrong those laws might be."

I'm sensing a dig at Tony here, well done Super Potts.

Tony catches on too, he's a smart one. His reply is:

"Trust me, the irony doesn't escape, okay? My point is--in Norman Osborn--we don't have a bunch of dropouts or failures calling the shots. We've actually got a real, dyed-in-the-wool, mustache-twirling looney toon running the show." LOL Tones.

It is now that it dawns on Maria that Osborn has access to the SHRD. Well, Maria. You've worked for Ol' Tony Stark long enough to know he's not dumb enough to leave that kind of thing just lying around.

Since this is the final part, and will be an important set up to the rest of the plot of this arc from here on in, I'm going to write it all out for you so that you know. No paraphrasing here kids because this is the important stuff. Ready? And... go time.

Tony: "Well now, that's why we're all here. There's good news and there's bad news." See, Tony knows these things too. That's why he's Tony Fucking Stark. "There's only one copy of the database and I'll do my best to make sure Norman doesn't get his hands on it. The bad news is I have to erase it permanently. Oh, and I might have set up a virus to screw with every computer H.A.M.M.E.R. might have been using. They weren't Stark Machines, so it's not like I needed them as a client. Anyway. A little going away present."

Pepper: "Tony, of all the juvenile--"

Maria: Wait, hang on-- why is it bad news to have to erase the database? Erase it,boom, problem solved."

Tony: "First, Pepper, yes it was juvenile, but two, it was only designed to trigger once a phony database was opened from Osborn's account. So, he was breaking the law, or trying to. And second...I need to tell you a little bit about Extremis first."

For those playing the home game, take note about the Extremis here because if you had some questions, this will be a little more insight for you on to how it works.

Tony: "The Extremis process hacked my biological systems the way a kid hacks an operating system. I was changed. Extremis changed me. I was upgraded. My mind was upgraded so I could pilot the damn suit. I gained access to something like 72% of my brain at all times."

Pepper is wise to this game. She doesn't like where it's going.

Pepper: "Tony--where is the database?"

The final page has the first panel with Tony smirking and the Iron Man helmet in the foreground. If the art were better this would be a cool picture. The next panel has Tony in profile, his fore and middle fingers shaped like a gun and the tips placed on his forehead, thumb in the air.

Tony: "Ta-daaaaaaa."

Pepper: "Ah, dammit Tony--"

Tony has a rather pleased smirk on his face. Pepper is not amused. Neither is Maria. Can you blame them? I don't think they have to be geniuses to know where this is going to go. And really, neither do we.

Maria: "What's the plan then? What does Osborn do when he realizes you ran away with his database?"

Tony: "He'll declare war. Then he'll kill us all."

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #9