Invincible Iron Man #10
Norman Osborn is still talking to the press. Well that's great since he apparently loathes talking to the press. Whatever the fuck. Basically what happens here is nothing interesting. Osborn plays big child man by answering every question he's asked with the professional equivalent of "I know something you don't know" with a promptly punctuated raspberry in the face of the public. He's basically covering his ass by dropping words like, "We're trying to find out" and "that's classified" in place of "we have no fucking clue" so that he doesn't lose the precious footing he's gained on slippery rock. They also want to know if Tones can access the Iron Man tech.
Osborn: "I can tell you this--Oscorp is retrofitting any Iron Man technology that HAMMER has seized, and will continue to do so in the name of the public good. The Iron Man will no longer be Stark's personal play thing." Oh right, totally, it was just a fun toy that Tony had, he had no real purpose for the tech at all. "HAMMER is cleaning it alllll up."
Tony and Maria have been watching this whole thing, and again Tony appears more amused than threatened. Remember when Norman Osborn used to be kind of a cool and threatening bad guy? Am I the only one who finds him sort of lame in the Dark Reign? Oh well.
Some chick who looks like Kate Kildare (from The Order people! Read something awesome by Fraction and understand why I am giving IIM a chance.) and Pepper Potts had a child starts off this conversation. She's Kat Farrell from National Pulse:
Kat: "Are you actually bringing any charges against Tony Stark? Has he committed any crimes?"
That's a very good point Kat, let's see what supposedly smart Osborn has to say to you. He's going to have a well thought out, intelligent answer to your question right?
Osborn: "I don't know how to say this any clearer: we have questions. We have an intriguing amount of circumstantial evidence that demands they be asked, and only Tony Stark can answer them. And I don't appreciate your tone, little Missy."
Oh... he told you! Biatch... wait... that wasn't helpful at all. So you mean to tell me you're holding this entire Tony Stark Wanted publicity event and you have no real proof he's done anything wrong or broken any laws and you just want to ask him questions? Wow... someone idolizes Bush a bit too much. Next you're going to bomb a country because they're thinking about not liking America! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Another dude, some old guy with no name from The Financial Times wants to know another important question.
Old guy: "What about Stark Industries?"
Osborn: "They've been blown to hell, torn apart, and from what I understand what's left is being sold off, taken over or just plain failing as a concern. What about Stark Industries?"
Ah yes, Osborn is such a big man.
Stark Industries, Long Island
Pepper Potts sits in
Pepper: "What a month--a month ago? This was a multi-billion-dollar international conglomerate. And now Tony put me in charge of it all just as it's been scuttled? Why would he do this to--why does it have to be me?"
Coughyoumadehimpulltheplugonyourhusbandviaextremiscough. Sorry, there's a bug going around.
Man-Pepper: "Maybe he trusts you. This thing he's shutting down--it was his, it was his father's, it was his grandfather's--and he's not around to do it. He trusts you. When the time came to pull the plug... maybe he wanted you to be the one alone in this room."
Coughbecausehekilledyourhusbandyougettokillhiscompanycough. Geez, I should see a doctor.
Pepper:"Lucky me."
Funtime Inc!
An ironic name, I think. I'm getting it now. Oh Fraction, you card.
Tony is sending Maria to Futurepharm. Remember that place? Where he became all Extremised? I do. Fondly. Anyway, that's where Maria's headed since Stark is back to being hooked up to the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. He's sending her after a hard drive, one of fifteen thousand... because that won't be hard or anything. But lucky for Maria she's got a jump drive to plug in and help her find things. See, Stark is helpful. She calls them Norman Osborn's Bonnie and Clyde and even if Tony looked like Warren Beatty this art would be better. She's not sure that's a good idea, actually she thinks it's a bonkers idea to split up.
But it's necessary, according to Tony, to be bonkers. Now Maria, unhook him from the auto-lobotomy suicide machine... there's more! I can't wait!
It's in these next few panels where Tony's mustache seems to take on a life of its own. It's one size, then it's bigger and then it's smaller and then it's bigger again. I've decided that fat Mexican Tony has a mustache that is magic and can change size depending on his mood. It's a mood 'stache. The art was kind of getting better, until this page where he's again... fatter and mexicanier than ever before. But the exchange is important.
Tony: "This drive when you have it--I need you to deliver it to someone."
Maria: "What am I, your courier?"
Tony: "Listen this is important."
In other words, shut your face bitch. This is plot that makes you useful!
Tony: "Take the drive. Find Captain America. Give it to him."
God and like the most technically advanced wet suit in the world! What the hell is a dead guy going to do with... oh wait. You mean Bucky... fucking Bucky...
Maria: "...That's it? Just find... Captain America? What the hell is on this hard drive of yours Tony...?"
Tony: "This and that." Sudoku mostly. "Hill, you're pretty resourceful. I'm sure you can pull it off. Pretty sure, anyway." Hahaha, dig.
Maria: "And you don't have a Avengers decoder ring you can give me, or anything? A secret handshake I can give him? An email address?"
Tony: "Sure just drop him a line. He's at Cap@Us.gov Do it from a public library though so Osborn can't track you." Bwahaha there's the Stark Snark!
Maria: "Now you're making jokes?"
Tony: "It's that or start crying." Downer.
Tony tells Maria that while she's hunting down the needle in a haystack and sent in search of Bucky, and Pepper is putting Stark Industries to sleep, he's going to run like hell. He needs to connect to repulsor power finish his brain deletion and that's either in the Iron Man suit or in one of his armories (which are apparently EVERYWHERE which is a bit unsettling and yet sort of amazing). He tells her that Osborn will be shutting down all of his stuff soon so as soon as he activates a station Osborn will be able to come after him. It's Doomsday time kids, according to Tony, and he's pretty convinced they've lost... at least this battle. Maria is still stuck on the massive amounts of armories and wonders just how many armors Tony has. Well.. Tony has a few...
He turns on the light in room, wall to wall Iron Man armors. Well. No wonder they are so expensive. And apparently you can change clothes super fast because all I saw you do was put on a jacket over your shiny gold suit, Tony. But now, no jacket... wife-beater and cargo pant things. Tony, you are an international man of mystery with your quick change ability.
It's that time again... for Tony self-loathing hour, guest starring Maria Hill.
Tony: "My armories can't fall into Osborn's hands."
Maria: "Got it."
Tony: "I screwed up, Hill."
Maria is clearly bored of this, she's been listening to it since Tony started working at SHIELD.
Maria: "It's okay."
Shut up bitch, I'm being self-loathing here, is Tony's inner monologue. In my mind.
Tony: "No, It's not okay, I've made such a horrible mess--I never--I'm saying I'm sorry, Hill, I--"
Tony leans in and the two of them have some smooching. Now this is a make out kiss. This is the fuck for the end of the world. Oy vey. If the art were good, this would be hot. It isn't so it's not. Where it stands it's just Maria getting what we all knew was coming to her since they paired them up in Director of SHIELD. Maria Hill is the next victim of... say it with me: Tony Stark's Dick of Death!
Tony pins Maria to the wall with his kisses before breaking to say what we all know is a line he uses on all the girls.
Tony: "That was wildly inappropriate."
Maria: "Yeah well. No future, right?"
Maria takes off his shirt. They kiss again with Maria now braced on the wall with her legs wrapped around Tony's torso. Bow chica bow wow!
Meanwhile, as Tony and Maria get lucky and seal Maria's infinite doom, Pepper Potts is sitting in the office at SI looking like she's about to fall asleep, since I imagine the amount of emotion she's used up in this situation has exhausted her. Pepper is slowly becoming my favorite part of this arc because she's... well she's rational. Ms. Victoria Hand is on TV talking on some pundit show about how Tony has to turn himself in at Restoration Park in the morning to prove he's not guilty otherwise they're going to assume he's running and they're not afraid to treat him the way he treated Bill Foster, Steve Rogers and "poor" Janet Van Dy-- But she's cut off when Pepper hauls a paper weight at the screen and breaks the television.
Pepper continues her feats of strength by throwing aside the lamp and papers on the desk, screaming "Dammit, Tony!" which are her most used words in this arc. Then, she tosses the desk chair into the wall, nailing a picture of Her, Happy and Tony (back when Tony had a van dyke... Lord do I miss the van dyke) and reveals a button to a secret passage. PEPPER SMASH!!!
She opens the door with a "Holy Crap."
Pepper finds a female version of the Iron Man suit that seems to be modelled after her. I don't care if people think this is fanboyish or stupid or whatever... I think it's awesome and about time Pepper got to play. I mean, Rhodes got his own armor and didn't know Tony nearly as long. And Henry? He got to be Anthem and got his own slew of super powers. What did Pepper do? Communications for The Order.
I will for the rest of this armor's existence refer to it as "Iron Potts" and you cannot stop me.
Restoration Park:
Well we all knew that Tony wasn't going to show. And there's Osborn in the "Iron Patriot" armor. I'm going to pause here while I continue to vomit in my mouth every time I see this disgusting atrocity. Osborn himself is an atrocity and now he's turned Iron Man and Captain America, the spirit of their mantel into... malarkey is all I've got. Whatever, so Tony is late and here goes Osborn to do his blah blah blah I'M A BIG JERKFACE! and I find myself missing the days of the Green Goblin.
15 minutes after Tony was supposed to be there, we get...
Osborn: "I'm issuing a warrant for the arrest of Anthony Edward Stark. For crimes against humanity, collusion with alien menace, flight from justice, conspiracy, criminal neglect and treason against the planet Earth."
I think only like... three of those are actual crimes. I think he's just making this up as he goes along. Treason against planet Earth? Is that for real real or just for play play?
Blah blah blah the shutting down of Stark Industries as we see the SWAT teams raid locations in Chicago (whoo shout out from Chi town, what!), LA and Rome. They're seizing assets and Interpol (I hope they sing 'Slow Hands') assists HAMMER as they oversee the raids. SI data, hardware, software, equipment and tech are all being taken hoping it will lead to arresting Stark. This is all apparently to end "Tony Stark's reign of terror".
So... there's that...
Then we see the HAMMER SWAT guys starting to wrangle employees and setting Stark buildings on fire while Osborn bathers on about Stark commanding loyalty and anyone who resists arrest should be treated as if they are obstructing the HAMMER of Justice. This happens in Berlin, Hong Kong, Seattle until we're finally brought back to Manhattan to see Man-Pepper again, trying to stop the SWAT from busting into CEO Pepper's office without a warrant.
Man-Pepper gets the butt of a rifle to the nose for his trouble and regrets the day he signed his application for Stark Industries employment. Apparently, according to HAMMER SWAT guy, he's also a hippie and the gun is the warrant. If only I'd known a suit and a corporate job made me a hippie and carrying a large rifle was considered a warrant, I would have a been a gun toting unshaved, free-lovin' fiend, taking the law into my own hands with my "warrant".
Now is my favorite line in any comic ever and it comes from said HAMMER SWAT man:
"You're under arrest. Forever." Oh fucking snap. Man-Pepper has so been told!
They take Man-Pepper down to arrest him and see if he's a Skrull, then beat down the office door. There is no Pepper in there. So they drag in Man-Pepper and hold a gun to his head, demanding to know where she is. He turns to the open secret door and says "There?" because he doesn't know and he just wants to go take a nap and maybe see someone about his nose. I feel bad for poor Man-Pepper. To think, he got this job and thought it was going to be awesome.
Meanwhile...
Maria Hill wakes up alone post coitus. She's not surprised. Neither are we, Maria. We'd be more surprised if you woke up cuddling with Tony like this was some adorable rom com. I sense a fanfic from someone who is not me coming on, again... that corner of the Internet for Maria/Tony shippers.
He did have the good manners to leave a note:
BLOW IT UP! RUN LIKE HELL!
Maria leaves, she does a magic quick change too and goes from sheet to clothes as she enters the room of wall to wall armor and finds the missing armor, saying "Go Tony Go".
HAMMER SWAT and Man-Pepper look to the sky, they are not surprised by the ceiling exit. No one here is surprised by anything.
Maria blows up the armory, she narrates Well. No turning back now.
Tony in an old armor, that looks like the old sentient DESIGN (IT IS NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN). He also narrates Well. No turning back now.
Iron Potts stands on the edge of the SI building and narrates Well. No turning back now.
This is the land of Cheesy Issue Endings: Population Invincible Iron Man #10
Continued in Invincible Iron Man #11
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