Invincible Iron Man Issue #17

Previously on Tony Stark: ZOMG like the end of the world! Tony got his ass handed to him by Whitney and beat a hasty retreat to Afghanistan. Pepper stayed behind to battle Whitney and her fucking crazy self. Maria was still off her rocker and Natasha went to explore the contents of the harddrive, only to unintentionally rat herself out.

So this is where it gets better right?

Invincible Iron Man #17: Ashes and Snow

Still in goddamn Russia:

Fire and snow, hey, look there's the title. Madame Masque, bloody and disheveled pulls the Iron Potts armor through the snow. She stops when she finds her discarded communicator on the snow in front of her. Through this she connects with Osborn and has a conversation that lead me to believe that Fraction, trying to keep a secret (but not really succeeding) that Pepper is wearing Madame Masque's mask. And apparently has scalped her for it. Ew. Why would you put that on your head, unless of course you're sick and twisted, or in a Tarantino movie...

Masque: "Hello? Come in? It's Masque. it's Madame Masque."

Osborn: "Ms. Frost. Nice of you to return a call."

Masque: "I was busy."

Osborn: "Busy getting me good news, I hope."

Masque: "Win some. Lose some. Stark escaped. He had plans and traps in place and--"

Osborn: "And you failed."

Masque: "Yes but... but Potts is dead."

Osborn: "Really?"

Masque: "With my own hands, Norman, with my own hands."

Osborn: "Well, I'm thrilled, clearly, but she wasn't exactly a thorn in my paw."

Masque: "I'm not finished. Potts is dead and I recovered her suit."

Osborn lets out a weasel laugh heh, because he's a jerk, and he looks out the Venetian blinds in "his" office. Really? You're in a state of the art architectural and technological marvel of a building, built and designed by Tony Stark... and you're using Venetian blinds? Really?


Kazakhstan

I could make Borat jokes, but I won't because that's so three years ago.

Tony hitches a ride in the back of a pick up truck now with a nice growth of chinstrap beard and matching mustache... last time I checked you had to trim it to get that full effect so... there's something either wrong with the art or with the art direction. I really don't think a guy who shaved everything off was thinking, "Oh when it grows back and I'm barely able to write my name, I've gotta remember to trim". But then again, I'm no man.

So Tony's hitched a ride to a town where he finds an Internet public use hub. He goes to a terminal and proceeds to write the following email that played over the panels of this two pages and a half pages. When Tony is finished, he plays the knitting ladies behind the counter and leaves, hitchhikes through the snow again. The Email, is as follows, typed exactly as it is in the comic pages:

"To: maria.hill@shield.gov
From: calicomom63@gmail.com

Dear Maria,

I do not remember how this email thing works so I hope this works. I am in Kazikstan and trying to get to Afgahnistan. It is real cold but I'm trying my best to stay warm. Good news I can still read cyrillic. My spelling is not so great anymore but I still have chunks of langages in my head. I hid the suit and folowed the sund of signals until I foud internet in this little town. Madam Mask found me and Pepper in the lab here and we fought. It was bad. And I left her to fight her. I ran away and I feel reel bad about it but she was probably right. I know she will be ok but still. I am not used to that kind of behaver. Captain America would not leave a man behind would he? I feel I have to confess to cap when I see him again. I am writing to see how you are doing. I do not rumember what it was you are doing but I know it is reel important. It is harder and harder to remember some things like that. Maybe the more recent things I think. Maybe. I wish I cud study what was going on better. Anyway I feld gilty and wanted to make sure you were ok. I am off now I should leave before somebody finds me.

Stay safe Maria Hill. Stay alive.

Love, Tony."

So recap within the recap: WOOWOO, HERE COMES THE PLOT TRAIN: Tony is forgetting how to spell, and then remembering again, which is almost sadder than him completely forgetting. And he doesn't remember that Steve is dead. Good-bye, Plot train. It was nice seeing you again.

Tony gets set in his armor, setting a course for Afghanistan. With an estimated arrival time of nine hours and nine minutes, he decides to pass the time with the soothing sounds of Introduction to Electrical Engineering, audiobooks.

Imagine my awful Minnesotan accent when I say, Oh jeez.


New York:

Maria is asleep and awoken by the sound of her cellphone going off. Probably the alert of Tony's email. She tells it to shut up and then gets up, peeking out the door. She grabs a knife and goes into the other room, sneaking up behind Natasha, who's bent over the computer looking at the monitor screen. She reaches back and nails Maria in the throat with her elbow, then wanks her backwards and takes the knife from her hand.

Natasha: "Hill! Dammit! It's me, Natasha!"

Maria slumps against the fridge, holding her throat.

Natasha: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Maria: "Heard--heard someone--hhk didn't know--sorry--"

Natasha: "Who the hell else would it be, Hill? Hmm? At the meet tonight, if you hear a car honk somewhere, will you stab Captain America in the neck? Or pop me in the back of the head twice? Pull yourself together, Hill. This is it. This is for everything. You screw this up... and all of HAMMER will come down on us."

I really don't think that Maria could take Captain America, at least not enough to get near his neck with a knife. Now, if she'd pop you in the back of the head twice, I wouldn't mind it so much. Stop kicking Maria while she's down, man. You were so tender with her last month, what's your fucking deal? Maybe she read the Maria/Natasha fanfic that has inevitably been written...


SHIELDHAMMER Helicarrier:

Osborn greets Dmitri in Russian and unfortunately I don't speak Russian and I don't have Russian characters on my keyboard so we just have to guess it was some fake polite greeting since its Osborn and the last time they spoke, Dmitri displeased him. We all know what happens when Osborn is displeased...

He cranks some Limp Bizkit and pouts while he breaks things.

Osborn: "This is a courtesy, Colonel, informing you that HAMMER has critical business on Russian soil. As I'm sure you've been notified, we're already in Russian airspace and expect to have boots on the ground in--Ms. Hand?"

They expect to have boots on the ground in Ms. Hand of Justice? That's inappropriate, even for you Norman...

Ms. Hand: "Seven minutes."

Osborn: "Seven minutes."

Dmitri: "How dare you! This is an act of aggression against the Russian people and--and--and--on whose authority do you--under what orders--"

Osborn: "Colonel, we have immediate and actionable intelligence suggesting that a Chechnyan splinter cell is about to purchase fissionable materials from a disgruntled ex-Soviet militia group. You let me clean up my mess, and I'll tell you where and how to clean up yours. Go stop an A-bomb, Colonel. Save a couple million people. Be a hero. All I want is Stark."

Dmitri swears in Russian and Osborn goes on about how he's going to go ahead on in and clean things up, then leave nice and quiet like they'd never been there, before ending the conversation. He almost hits Ms. Hand of Justice in the face as he stretches and fake yawns, and I wonder why she puts up with this crap. The sex must be really great. He then tells her to fabricate some people for Dmitri to arrest.

As for Colonel Bukharin, he sits alone in his dark room, wherever that is, pouring two shots of vodka. One for himself, and one for the absent Tony Stark. This part, choked me up.

Dmitri: "Ahh, Tony. I am sorry, my old friend. So so sorry. Long may you run, Tony Stark. Za vas!"

He raises his glass to toast him.

The helicarrier shows up and scoops up Madame Masque and the Iron Potts.


Meanwhile in the bowls of the helicarrier, some stupid flunky ass from Data Mining in SHIELDHAMMER finds the signal from Tony's email. It's enough to rise suspicion with thirty-eight key word hits and the address of zero send history, that and it was sent to Maria Hill. The other guy, Jonesy, tells him to take it to Hand of Justice, and he does, but not before he laments about missing SHIELD. We all miss SHIELD, fucknuts.

He takes it to Ms Hand of Justice who... has the strangest office ever. Like, it's huge with nearly nothing in it. She's got a lamp in the far corner. A couch against the wall, A desk in the middle and a file cabinet hutch thing behind it. One picture on the wall. Her desk has nothing on it but a computer and a desk light. Ms. Hand of Justice is a very very lonely woman, I imagine.

So he relays the information to Hand of Justice, who talks to him like a dominatrix, telling him to speak or leave and when he can go. Why does she have that dumb red streak in her hair? She looks tarded. It's not fun or funky, it's just... sad. So the guy leaves and runs into another flunky who asks if Hand sent him packing to Antarctica, implying that he seems down. He replies:

Flunky: "I think I just ratted out Tony Stark."

And now he feels like a jerk. Well he should. DIAF.


Iron Man is flying through the sky.

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

Tony is asleep in the armor, and it's almost adorable because you know it's just not because he's half retarded in that armor. Poor, sleepy, special Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you hadn't done it to yourself. You're really going to be in a world of hurt when those kids with that missile launcher go all GTA 4 on your ass and shoot you out of the sky in 3, 2, 1..

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes vol--

The warning systems in the armor wake up Tony but not soon enough for him to get out of the way. The missile hits him, he goes down like a friend of Dick Cheney's and crashes in the desert rock below. He escapes the armor, mostly unscathed by emergency evac and then climbs out before collapsing to his knees beside the broken shell of armor. I can't tell if he's covered in oil or blood or both.

Now, I do feel bad for Tony.


New York City:

Maria and Natasha both dressed in black widow outfits (and perpetuating Tony Stark's inner fantasies... if he still has any...) are staking out the meet location on top of a roof.

Maria: "Looks okay."

Natasha: "It looks completely and totally devoid of any human activity at all. Which looks a little suspicious to me. When Cap comes he'll have his own route, his own system. His own surveillance. If he thinks we've been rumbled, he'll take off."

Maria: "Right."

Natasha Potts is making Bucky a lot more epic than he actually is I think. She's treating this whole situation like he's God or the President or something, and that's simply not the case. We get it, every one's in hiding and Norman Osborn wants to smite you with the power of... Ares... so you gotta be low key about this, but really? Natasha Potts has delusions of grandeur about her boyfriend.

And I'm not even going to get into the logic here, because clearly Maria isn't gunning to turn you guys in for not registering and she's coming to you on order from Tony who clearly has... fuck it.

Natasha: "So all we can do is cover our own bases, right? Sweep he location and, if any thing's off, we bail, right?"

Maria: "Yeah."

Natasha: "Can you keep it together?"

Maria: "I can keep it together. It's not the job I don't know how to do anymore."

Natasha: "We're about to win, Hill. And then we'll get you back."

Natasha Potts tenderly strokes Maria's cheek and it is here I decide that they have the most bipolar relationship in the world. Weren't you just ripping her a new one a few pages ago? You know what, forget it. I fucking hate you Natasha Potts. Enjoy being ScarJo.

Maria and Black Widow flip around on roof tops and then Natasha goes ahead leaving Maria on look out. Maria sees what they don't want to have. HAMMER is waiting for them, she sees a hand sticking out of a door.

Maria: "Oh no. No no no--please, no--"

The HAMMER guys inside the van are listening in to what she's saying.

HAMMER Flunky: "She goes, "oh no, no no no, please no." That's it--all stations, Hill has made us--go go go."

Natasha Potts get held at gun point by the bad guys, but she's more concerned about well, Maria. Maria watches.

Natasha: "Hill. Hey! I'm over here! I'm over here!"

Maria: "Nat, I'm so, so sorry--"

Maria gets caught by a group of HAMMER guys who also take her. The HAMMER guys are ready to shoot Natasha Potts, but are told to hold fire so they just haul her in with them. From another rooftop, Captain America watches this shit go down. You only see him as a faceless shadow before he's gone. Well, Bucky, you've been very helpful. Or maybe it isn't Bucky... maybe it's Steve. Bwahahahaha... oh, that's only in my dreams.


Back at Norman Osborn's over-compensation for his tiny penis, known as the Helicarrier:

Osborn: "Kind of a good news-bad news thing, eh? Way it goes, I suppose. I just--walk me through this one time--because I just don't understand how Tony Stark could've gotten away. What with your...history...I'd assume he was your first priority."

Masque: "There was fighting. And there were explosions. And then fire. It was confusing and... I did my best. My feelings about Tony--about Stark--never played into it. There was a third party involved and--and there were complications. I failed. I killed Potts and recovered her suit but that wasn't my mission. I failed."

And you are not convincing me that you're Madame Masque, by any means. You're not convincing Osborn either because he's sneaking up from behind the way all good creeper rapist bad guys do. He's getting in position to choke her as she turns away.

Masque: "He can't have gotten far."

Osborn: "I know."

Masque: "He's losing... he's losing intelligence. You can see it. Sense it in him. He's not all there anymore."

Osborn: "So you spoke with him then."

Masque: "I... yes, briefly."

Osborn: "But you didn't capture him."

Masque: "No. There were--"

Osborn: "Complications. You said a third party. Or whatever your excuse was... It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does."

And as Osborn comes in for the kill, Ms. Hand of Justice busts into the scene. Saved by the useless assistant!

Hand: "Director Osborn!"

Osborn: "You forget how to knock, Ms. Hand, or--?"

Hand: "Norman, shut up for one second please--we just caught Maria Hill."

Wait... so they are fucking, or are we supposed to believe that she can just tell Norman Osborn to shut up? So she is his Potts then? But with fucking. Got it.


Down in the Hall of Armor, two flunky morons mess with the Iron Potts, and make your mom jokes. Well that's an annoying end.


Two more issues.