Invincible Iron Man Issue #21

When we last left Tony Stark: HO HO HO GREEN GIANT (Because he's a vegetable... get it?)... Tony's tripping in his wasteland brain. He also left a detailed message about how he can be revived. Pepper wasn't happy about it because Tony gets all the breaks at her expense. Maria, Natasha, Bucky and Don decided to give this reboot a shot. While Norman "called off" the hit on Stark, and Whitney hired Ghost to finish it. Well then...

Invincible Iron Man #21: Digging in the Dirt.

I need a witty name for Tony's brain wasteland since it's clear we're going to be here for awhile. Hmm.. let's see how about... Russia. No... no too obvious. How about... Tatooine. Yeah! I like it!

On Tatooine:

Tony's continuing to dig for that Iron Man chest piece from the last issue. Maria and Howard just stand there and watch him like the nutbar they think he is. He asks them to help him dig, because well, he just wants to break the routine.

Tony: "Faster! Come on, we've done this before--"

Howard: "Tony, we don't seem to know what you're talking about--"

Maria: "What have we done and when did we do it? And why?"

Your parents are clueless man. They're not playing with the same deck of cards you are.

Tony: "These things, this--this, life, this thing--we're in this thing again and again and again. It keeps happening and starting over. We dig or we die."

So Maria and Howard get in and start helping because that's a pretty convincing argument. I mean, I can imagine Tony's frustrated being stuck in the movie Groundhog Day without the mildly redeeming quality of Bill Murray. Especially when the repetitiveness only includes digging. As much as I'd love a giant sandbox in my brain, it would only entertain for so long... and since Tony has a pretty short attention span...

They're digging and they're pulling it out as the things start to come back.

Maria: "We can take it to the huts and hide there!"

Tony: "What huts--? See, that's--heff--that's different. The huts are new..."

They're joined by some of the other random people in his brain who are yet to be explained as people we know or not to help him carry the armor chest piece.

Tony: "Careful--it's so heavy only I can lift it."

See that? For those playing the home game, thats what we call subtle. Tony's statement that only he can lift that chest piece is implying that only Tony can carry the burden of Iron Man. Right? Right? Oh I like that, nicely done Fraction.

Howard: "That kind of thinking is what gets you killed every time. Weight is weight and heavy is heavy no matter who carries it."

But realistic weight limits aren't any fun.

Tony: "Whatever you say, Howard. Whatever you say..."


New York Shitty--er--City:

Masque and Ghost are discussing her relationship with Norman and how it's complicated.

Is she sleeping with Norman too? Jesus, you get around CrazyLady. I wonder if Menace knows that. I would love to see Madam Masque vs Menace in the ultimate showdown to see who gets rights to fuck the crazy guy who could care less about either of you. I mean if they are... bumping uglies... he's using her just like he's using Lily Hollister for the Goblin baby she's carrying... but who knows.

Anyway, Ghost is like whatever I'm supposed to be in the cube, so let's not discuss this and then she starts talking about her relationship with Tony being more complicated. Ghost asks her if the Hood knows that and if he knows about their chat. Whitney has this weird break down as if the Ghost gives a crap about her because she didn't know he knew and he's all, I really don't give a shit let's get down to brass tacks.

So Whitney lays it out: Tony's in a vegetative state. He's under the care of Don Blake in Oklahoma. He's the only doctor for eighty miles. Ghost is all... so... this means nothing to me an Tony could buy sloan-kettering for a head cold (LOL). Whitney informs him that Asgard is there and he's actually being protected by Thor. So the plot thickens, thinks Ghost. It's also assumed that his pals are there also, but Ghost has doubts. He can't get into towns as easily as he can through rooms and buildings. So she gets a magic device to get him in through phone lines. Follow bursts of power and you'll find Tony.

Ghost is in and a hit is placed.


Broxton, OK:

Pepper sits in the lobby writing a letter to Tony. She's teary and trying to get it all out. I'm going to say this: yell, get mad, hate me... but I think Pepper is justified in her anger against Tony. For so so long she has just put up with his crap and it's cost her everything. She has every right to be upset that he just gets it all back because she doesn't get things back when they go wrong. And it's explained in this letter...

Pepper's Letter:

"Dear Tony....

I keep trying to get these thought out of my head an onto paper but (scratched out) it's too hard. I could never say these things out loud. Too (scratched out) I'm throwing a tantrum and I know it. Of course I'll do whatever you (scratched out) ask to (scratched out) help bring you back. Because thats what I do/have always done for you, right? You ask and I come running. And I know this is all (scratched out) so much bigger than me or you and me. But dammit Tony, When s it m time? When do I get to stop living to support your life and start living my own?"

(Remember the kids Happy and I had that were neglected in to retcon non-existence?)

"When does heaven and earth move to help me or to bring my dead husband back (scratched out) from the dead? Or the flaming wreckage that was my life? When do man and god alike work to alleviate my pain for once? When is it the movie about me and not Tony (scratched out, I bet it said fucking) Stark? I want a sign, I want some sort of sign that things will get.."

Pepper is interrupted by:

"Yo, Potts."

She turns to see Rhodey (who is no longer a cyborg) and CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA STEVE ROGERS OMG SQUEE!

Ahem.

And that Doctor guy whose name I still don't remember, but he saved her life in Five Nightmares and was hanging out in a van with her in Worlds Most Wanted.

Rhodey: "Look who we found."

Steve: "Ms Potts, it's been a while..."

Pepper: "Whoa--"

Ms. Pepper Potts, your sign has been received. You're welcome, Love Jesus.

Pepper: "Steve--oh thank God--"

Pepper gives Steve a great big hug and he returns the hug because this is an adorable tender moment and I seriously teared up. As a friend of mine said, she looked at this frame and literally thought Steve's here now, it's going to be okay. And I agree. Steve will fix this because he's Captain America, and Bucky will help because he is also Captain America.

Rhodey: "What, we get nothing? The dead guy gets a hug but me the doc who brought him here get nothing?"

Pepper: "Oh do shut up--"

Doctor: "Lt. Colonel Rhodes, Don't begrudge the poor woman her reunion hug."

She hugs Rhodey too so he'll shut up and for about five seconds everything seems alright. And then we have to remember that Tony's retarded upstairs.

Pepper: "I don't understand. Why are--not that this isn't an amazing--why are you all here?"

Steve: "Because Iron Man is in trouble. And we're all going to bring him back." So I can put him right back into his coma when I beat him with my shield for being such a big douchebag for the past year or so...no? Okay, maybe he didn't say that last part.

Pepper pauses like, oh right this isn't about me... "Of course. Yes, sir. Room 26, upstairs."

They start going upstairs and she stops to go back and get her letter, crumpling it up in her hand.


Hello Make Shift Surgical Theater!

Tony's got another message from the boobs of the Iron Potts, and you know he planned that too strategically. Like he giggled to himself in the middle of the night while making the Iron Potts and putting in the message "haha they're going to talk to her boobs..."

Tony: "What's up, Doc? If you're hearing this, Rhodey escorted you to where I've been hidden and we're ready to start surgical prep. As you're the man that saved Pepper's life by putting all this crazy Iron Man stuff in her, now you'll save mine by taking it back out. Gathered amongst you--all of you, why you're all so important to this, why I needed you all here and all on the same page--is that between you all, are the bits and pieces I need to be made whole again. The first step-- and Pepper I'm sorry about this but we can put a new one back in you later--the first step is removing the repulsor unit from Pepper's chest and inserting it into mine."

The panels that follow are Tony... they finally closed his eyes... unconscious with a breathing tube down his throat and Pepper lying beside him looking at him before she gets knocked out for surgery. The next panel is a shot of Pepper's letter to him and the words "You ask me and I come running" pointed out as a HERE'S THE POINT flag of non-subtle proportion. Okay, I got it. Pepper gives everything up for Tony. Hey... HEY! Leave that dead horse alone.

Tony: "That's the key, that's the heart of the operation if you will. This electromagnetic repulsory battery is going to fuel my entire biology from now on..."

So while they take the repulsor out of Pepper, Tony tells us basically the plot of her getting it in the first place, which I'm not going to rehash here. Basically, she went boom in a building and then she got the repulsor and without it she'll be fine now, just normal amazing Pepper. And Tony's brain doesn't remember how to work his brain so they're going to fix him with:

"Surgery, Science and Cool Machines." The three s--wait...

Tony: "Not long ago I faced a rogue biological weapon called Extremis. Extremis was a bioelectric enhancile that transformed the human body into a remarkably efficient piece of organic technology. To stop the first subject, I underwent the procedure myself. You might remember that phase where I could just think at the armor and it would fly across the room toward me. That was what it made possible. Fun while it lasted but not even Extremis was safe from the Skrulls. They attacked the upgrades and shut me--and Extremis--down permanently. Anyway, the procedure alters the human body. Extremis allowed me to recreate and redesign the way my insides worked. So don't be surprised if you get in there and you see stuff that shouldn't be there."

To which Don replies, at least I think it's Don: "Are those... wires... in his lungs?"

Excuse as I die from how hilariously cracktastic that is! And how amazing that it brings my love of Extremis to a whole new level!

Tony: "Pepper's suit has detailed instructions to walk you through installation, Doc. It's not that different than what you've done before. Just some more cabling."

HAHAHAHAHAH omg... that's so priceless. I have a whole new view of what Tony's insides look like. Someone needs to draw that... like an Operation game layout of Tony with Extremis. That would be too funny.

Tony: "Next comes the brains of the operation. Which was Maria Hills department... she was tasked with recovering a very special hard drive for me and since she's her I'm sure she did it. Get it now. If we think of our minds as ou body's operating system and Extremis was an upgrade, I did what all good geek would do before installing it. I backed myself up."

Which technically doesn't make a LOT of sense considering his brain wasn't a computer system BEFORE Extremis so without it how would he have the capability of such but... you know details like that are handwaved all the time and retconned... right Potts-Hogan kids? Right. Quoth my friend: "Maybe SI has special brain hard drives."

Tony: "The only thing in the world that drive plugs into is the back of my neck. Go ahead and hook it up. Once the repulsor disc is on, it'll serve as a boot disc and install itself into my mind. After Ezekiel Stane's terror attacks on Stark Industries we no longer have a repulsor facility capable of reactivating the RT battery unit you've just taken from Pepper and put in me. That's where War Machine, Captain America and Thor come in..."

Doctor Whatshisname comes out of the room to where Cap has apparently been pacing, Maria, Rhodey and Natasha are. He gives them sort of a somber look.

Doctor: "Your turn."


Meanwhile, at Mos Eisely Cantina

Tony and a group of gray haired dudes that live in his brain, including Howard.. (hey, maybe these are previous generations of Stark men... like grandpa, great grandpa... one of those dudes has the most amazing mutton stache ever...) they've arrived at the huts (not Hutts) with the chest piece.

Howard: "Turn it to the--yeah--almost on-- There. you know it's got some switches on the back?"

Tony: "Where? I can't see it."

He now has the chest piece on and is trying to look behind him as Maria keeps watch for those fucking machines that want to pwn them to death.

Howard: "You'll need some help to turn it on."

Tony: "I can remember that. I think I can remember that."

Howard: Can you, son? Will you? Knowing you need it and asking somebody for help are two different things. By my lights you're not a man who knows the difference."

Tony: "Needing help and asking for help are two different things. I need help, I need help, I need help. I can remember that. I'm ready Howard, okay."

Wow... so much for the subtle. We're just going right for the jugular with this stuff. Okay, we know Tony is a guy who doesn't ask for help even when he knows he needs it and it's Howard that's pointing it out to him, which is slightly ironic because you know Howard is the one who taught him about being self reliant. You just know it. And here they are clueless of their connection, and Howard is helping Tony with the chest piece... helping him remember that he doesn't have to do everything alone... and.. god that's deep.

Tony sits with his eyes closed in the chest piece for the Iron Man. Howard has his hands on his shoulders.

Tony: "I said--"

Howard: "I know what you said. I threw the switches and nothing happened."

None of that matters, because the machine things are on their way.


Back in the real world

Tony: "Rhodey, man. I hope you brought your tool box."

Rhodey sits in a room and he's taking apart the Iron Potts with instructions coming from said Iron Potts. That's kind of awesome. Poor Rhodey, how much of this crap does he have to go through with Tony? And really, poor everyone involved. Except that Doctor guy. He hasn't had time to learn, yet.

Tony: "You're the only guy on Earth after me that I'd trust to strip a stark suit for parts..."

Iron Potts: "There's another .75 meters of cable available in--"

Rhodey: "I know, I know."

Tony: "Get every inch of cable that's reinforced to carry full repulsor current loads stripped out of the suit and braid 'em all together. Take out the mounting clips from torso undersheath K and attach them to the repulsor battery. And attach the mounting clips from undersheath L to the other ends of the cabling. And then you'll need to get me to a rooftop. And doc--er, Doctor Blake... we'll need your... partner.. for this next step."

"Stark Industries used to have repulsor generator facilities all over the world, but between Stane and Osborn--and me, let's be honest here--we're going to have to improvise activating the repulsor disc. It's going to sound and seem counter-intuitive. But if you follow my instructions exactly, I'm almost positive that this probably won't kill me."

Cue everyone taking Tony to the roof. Maria is tenderly cradling the head of the Iron Potts. Captain America squared is carrying Tony with Rhodey's help. Natasha is holding the door and Don has his Thor... stick... Awesome. They get Tony settled and Steve puts the shield down on the ground.

Doctor: "This is completely insane."

Don: "So was Tony. Wen you get down to it, I mean."

Are we already talking about Tony in the past tense? He's not officially dead yet guys... so much for hope. Geez. Well, they're all pretty convinced this hair brained scheme isn't going to work as planned, because to be honest it is crazy and well... it's only the second issue of the arc. We have four left.

Rhodey: "Listen, if Tony says this is going to work... not matter how insane it seems... it usually works. Usually."

Doctor: "This will kill him. It will electrocute him or blow up his heart or set him one fire. Doctor Blake, surely you understand the danger involved here--"

Tony doesn't have a heart, silly.

Don: "Tony's Tony, Doc. If he says this is how we get him back, this is how we get him back. I'm just worried about the shield."

Steve: "The shield can take it."

Bucky: "It'll be fine."

Steve: "Just smack it dead center."

Bucky: "To make sure."

This is adorable and I love how suddenly Bucky's all game and grins. I think it's because he's happy Steve's back. Or maybe it's because there's still a part of him that's Winter Soldier and is getting hard at the sadistic idea of Tony getting electrocuted...

Doctor: "Blake, you can't seriously be considering--"

They've connected the shield at the other send of the make shift jumper cables. So for those who need extra help in the home game, it's connected to Tony's repulsor disc and the shield. Metal is a conductor of electricity and...Don stands with a grip on his stick and determination in his eyes as the sky erupts with lightening...

Two page spread of Thor's hammer slamming down on to the shield and sending an amazing amount of electrical current into Tony's chest. His body arcs on the gurney as Natasha and Maria cover their heads and Steve watches in anticipation. THis is an amazing page of awesome and definitely worth the tease in the variant cover that ACTUALLY OCCURRED IN THIS ISSUE!!

Tony's eyes open wide and he lets out a yell of probably pain.


On Tatoonine Tony clutches his chest and lets out the same cry.


Doctor Whatshisname holds out his hands toward Tony, as Maria stands stunned beside him, calling out his name.

Great, now he's dead and on fire. What exactly was that designed to do? (he's not really on fire, for the record, I'm just being snarky.)

On the planet furthest from the bright center of the universe, Tony lies on the ground with Howard above him, and Maria running over. He's unresponsive.

Howard: "Tony? TONY!!"


Ghost found the burst of energy and makes a phone call to the Sooner Inn. The fat receptionist answers the phone but there's no one there. Must have been a wrong number. The Ghost is in the inn.


See you next month. And Happy Holidays :)

Invincible Iron Man Issue #20

Welcome back to another exciting installment of Invincible Iron Man. Or... well I guess he's more like Defeated Creamed Corn... (since he's a vegetable...fuck it.)

When we last left Tony Stark and World's Most Wanted concluded, Tony went vegetative state after Osborn publicly beat the shit out of him. Maria, Natasha and Pepper became Tony's Angels and defeated HAMMER with the help of JARVIS and the Iron Potts... successfully escaping with the Stark X Drive. Norman sort of ruined some of his cred with his Tony Stark Battle Royale, and Don Blake was called onto the scene to keep the plug from being pulled. And there was shiny Bucky Cap.

So begins the next arc: Stark Disassembled in:

Invincible Iron Man #20: Counting Up From Zero

Tony Stark's brain is a shitty knock off of a Salvador Dali painting with less clocks and more confusing symbolism. Larroca, your name may be Salvador but Dali you ain't. Tony's digging his hands in... what looks like sand but judging by the sepia coloring of his mind, it could be dirt too. He's digging in the ground anyway, and he finds teeth. Which is weird. And everyone is dressed like they're on an archeological dig site. Which makes sense I guess, since they're "digging up Tony's memories" right? I mean, right?

Who is "everyone?", you ask? Well, Howard Stark for one, who strides up to Tony hunched on the ground and riffling through the dirt.

Howard: "Any luck with anything, Anthony?"

Tony: "Howard, hey, and no--just more and more of... what is this, a tooth? Why are these teeth buried under the dirt?"

I have the same damn question, Tony. Apparently your brain is a really fucked up place.

Howard: "Hell, if I knew that one, son, I wouldn't have to dig it up all the live long day, would I? Put 'em 'neath your pillow and you'll be a billionaire by breakfast."

Tony: "...I'd just lose it all by lunch again anyway..."

Howard doesn't have time for Tony's Self-Deprecation Hour. He turns around and approaches the woman sitting on the ground digging up a car from the dirt landscape of Tony's head. Hmm. Car. I think that's what those in literature call 'a symbol', kids. On closer inspection the car looks wrecked. The front of it looks bent in... hmmm I wonder what car that is?

Howard: "Maria! C'mon gal, let's get a move on before nightfall."

As my dear friend put it, Maria looks a little like an older, Sepia Pepper Potts (Dammit, Larroca, she isn't even a red head!) and turns toward Howard and Tony and wipes some sweat off her forehead. At least, that's what I assume because she's got the back of her wrist against her forehead and she seems to have been working on this car for sometime.

Perhaps Pepper is Larroca's ideal and thus all women must be judged according to her standard and so if Pepper is perfect women in his books must be mistaken for her to be right?

Maria: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it? Every time we get some real work done, the war destroys it again. Everything worthwhile here is buried deep down in the ground."

Clever... hold up, war? War? What the hell is going on in your brain, Tony? Pan out to see the landscape littered with mounds that have yet to be unearthed and a few that are in the process. Maria's car that she's been digging up. Someone is digging up a plane, further back there appears to be a coffin and a GIANT FUCKING HAND in the far left right corner...

I've got nothing.

Howard: "I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. Another day at play beneath the fields of God."

Tony: "Y'know, I never let myself believe in God besides, I think I just found his molar. Something is wrong inside my head."

Really? Ya think?

Some dude comes running at them terrified and screaming.

Dude: "They're coming! Run! RUN!"

Tony: "But I'm not done with my work."

Oh Tony Stark, a workaholic even in his fucked up barren waste land of the brain. I approve of that. So the other people high tail it out of there and Tony stands there like a goon. Howard tries to get him to go with, but Tony just stands there as a giant mechanical thingamagig appears above them in the sky. It's shiny and probably red and gold...

Howard: "TONY!"

He just stands there staring at the thing like an awed child.

Tony: "Where have I... those are... nth-gen Stark Titanomechs... but the design's all wrong... I don't think I've even built them yet... they're just sketches..."

Howard starts to yell for him again, gets as far as "T-" and then they're vaporized.


A blue Holographic image of Tony in his hay day starts the next panel. He looks stoic, if not a little sad. The following is a six page monologue. Tony ranges different emotions from sad to angry, to outrageous as he speaks to the camera and records this final message.

Tony: "My name's Tony Stark and I'm an alcoholic. No? Wait, I'm sorry. Wrong meeting... beats crying anyway, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. OKay. So... so I'm recording this on my last morning as Director of SHIELD. When I'm done uploading to the MK 1616 suit that I'm leaving for Pepper, I turn the keys over to Norman Osborn. By lunch he'll be abusing the Superhuman Registration Database and God knows what all else. If you're watch this, I'm right, and everything's gone horribly wrong. But... at the same time, if you're watching this, things are about to start going horribly right again. I promise... umm... that might sound weird, I know. Because if I'm write--and c'mon, it's me, so I am--I'm probably lying there. Persistent vegetative state, right? Right."

I suppose there's an outside chance I'm dead somehow you've managed to--well, whatever. MK 1616, if I'm dead seize the Stark drive X and fly yourself into the nearest active volcano. Please."

He pauses and waits.

"Okay. Assembled here--almost, between you all--are the tools and the knowhow needed to bring me back. To reboot me if you will. But first you need to take a minute and talk amongst yourselves and figure out--and ask the question--do you want me back? Can you forgive me? Because, here's the thing--I'm not apologizing. What happened, happened and it happened because it happened and that's that. And you shouldn't apologize either. What's past is prologue. I...okay. None of us get into this line of work because of the great 401k, right? I ran a good race--I ran a great race--and had a good and great life and maybe I helped out a little along the way. Every single one of us knows there's no promise of a happy ending. We die. Heroes... die. Cap--Bucky--Thor--you guys know that lesson all too well. Bill Foster knew it. Janet--Clint-- This is the job. This is the job. Dying is the super hero retirement plan. And lately a whole lot of us are on it. So here's the deal--the bad guys are waiting around for us to fall apart, and I don't want to be in the falling apart business anymore."

So I guess that means he's quitting as Iron Man. Which is fair, because when he does wake up A) Iron Man might be a little hard to pilot or even remember and 2) well... does anyone really want him to be Iron Man again, especially his former allies?

"We're doing the divide part of their divide and conquer routine. We're putting our heads on silver platters for these guys again and again because--because--because we're letting us get in the way of stopping them and... so I'm done. I've destroyed everything at SHIELD I created that Osborn could exploit. He'll have some old suits but no repulsor power, so you'll be okay when it all comes down. The 1616 is uploaded with a viral assault for Osborn's dataspine. Whatever Osborn has left should be negligible at best for the men and women that handed Ultron his ass a half dozen times. Zeke Stane's attacks on Stark Industries crippled our repulsor power production capabilities. Oz is too stupid to figure out how to make repulsors on his own anyway. Pep, you've got the very last repulsor generator in the world. Be good to it and it will be good to you."

Fair enough. Tony really has a point here. I mean... hello? They've spent so much time breaking off into separate groups lately no wonder Osborn could climb so easily to the top with the shot heard round the world.

"So--so that's it. My side of the street is clean and if I die I'm dying with as clean a conscience as can be expected... it's going to to take the three of us--Cap, Thor and Iron Man-- working together to clean it all up. Y'know they say in certain rooms... they say "Let go and let God," and this is me letting go. And I've never let myself believe in God, but..."

Tony starts to get choked up and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"...I don't know how to say this. Captain America and Thor were... whatever sense of a higher power I've ever had in this life came from them. From you. And from who you thought I could be. Whenever I looked up you were who I was looking at. For guidance, for leadership... and now absolution."

Tony then gets up to leave.

"That's it. That's all. Think it over and let the MK 1616 know what you decided and we'll get into the how of it all."

Tony leaves, but then comes back for a real quick one more thing. He basically lays out if he doesn't come back how things will go down with Osborn's fall and is reference of Osborn squeezing too hard on the world. They'll beat him in chaos and there will be blood and thunder and Tony totally saw the previews for SIEGE. Because he sees the Future. Damn Futurists. He uses an analogy of Osborn's team being like speeding cars that crash into a pile up and then tells the heroes to think like a school of fish and work independent and interdependent at the same time. He then warns to expect heavy casualties because of how Osborn plays his games and then Tony leaves and the image disappears.

Well. I have one input on this: Some people call this emotional blackmail. I to some degree see him doing this because well for one thing, it's out of his hands and I think he knows that the other heroes and friends won't go "well fuck it, let him die" because then they wouldn't be the good guys. On the other hand, I don't think he wants to come back if he keeps having to play the bad guy when he clearly isn't. This isn't really all his fault, he just was the fall guy and he might have made a lot of trespasses against those he loves, but he never did them with the intention of being cruel. One thing a lot of people forget about Tony is that he is in fact a good guy, and he always has the best intentions. His heart (Or whatever is subbing for it at the time) is always in the right place, no matter how misguided he may be.

And that is why, I'd like to take this moment to say: Thank You, Matt Fraction for not making Tony Stark puss out and apologize for being himself.

Thank you for keeping his integrity.

On the the next page Maria Hill, Natasha Potts, Bucky!Cap, Don Blake and Pepper Potts stand staring at the MK 1616 which delivered to them the final message from a lucid Tony Stark. Before them, Tony lies in a hospital bed, vegetative, with bandages on his shoulder, arm, head and nose. And tubes in his nose and mouth to breathe for him. This is also the first time in a few issues I would call the art, decent. If Tony looked like Coma!Tony in every panel, I might actually like Larroca's art again.

Why does Peter Parker get to be pretty and Tony looks like that?

Iron Potts: "The message terminates there."

Don: "Maaaaan, Tony."

Bucky!Cap: "Unbelievable."

Natasha: "Was he this insane when you worked for him, Hill?"

Pepper says nothing.

The heroes then discuss what they plan to do. Bucky!Cap steps in first to immediately say they're bringing Tony back. Which of course, surprises me because well Bucky and Tony aren't exactly BBFs but you know, I can see that he's probably not in the business of just pulling the plug on people... no matter what they've done. Don agrees with Bucky since Tony's sick and that's his job to heal him. Maria also agrees, and Natasha as well but for mostly selfish reasons, so they don't think they wasted their time trying to save him.

Iron Potts lets them know there is a presentation to be played on how to reboot Tony. Which reminds me, I really miss that show Reboot... but that has nothing to do with this. Iron Potts asks if Pepper is in and she leaves the room telling them she needs some time, in a mess of tears.

Pepper is probably so emotional because TONY'S EYES ARE STILL FUCKING OPEN. SERIOUSLY! THAT'S JUST CREEPY.

Close his eyes, let him sleep, so retarded vegetable Tony isn't just staring at everyone vacantly while you discuss his fate. God.


Pepper runs down the stairs of wherever they are, I guess it's Don's hotel . Maria goes after her. And now we have Pepper/Maria shippers going "YES!" and everyone else going, oh that's weird... but of the group in that room currently they're the closest to Tony and subsequently each other.

Pepper: "Dammit. Stark, you are unbelievable."

Maria: "Potts! Potts, c'mon."

Pepper: "No--no--"

Maria: "Hey! Pepper--Pepper. C'mon. What's--"

Pepper: "I don't--"

Maria: "--it's okay--"

Pepper: "I don't--I don't understand why--after so many people got hurt--after everybody died at Stamford, and Stane and the Invasion, and--and--and after Steve and Bill and--and after Happy all died--why is it Tony that gets to come back? Why is it that Tony Stark is the one that gets everything back again?"

While most people sit back and initially say "ouch" you also realize that well... Pepper Potts, you may have a pretty good point there. The answer of course is because Tony planned his death... but you know, the devil's in the details.


On second thought, let's not go back into Tony's brain... it is a silly place.

But we're there and now with the teeth he's dug up some oranges.

Tony looks pretty confused by the oranges. In the Godfather, whenever a character has oranges near them or around them it's a signal that the character is going to die soon. So maybe that's something. And teeth are a sign of losing your mind or fear of losing your mind, which if you read Haunted... Tony did sort of battle with going nuts. But then he could have joined the schizo club with Hank and they could beat their wives together.

That is assuming Tony's Dick of Death doesn't kill her before he says I do...

I think Bethany Cabe is busy with Robo!Rhodey these days anyway.

Moving on.

Howard comes over to him again as he's staring at the oranges in his hand. I think they might actually be tangerines. But whatever.

Howard: "Any luck with anything?"

Tony: "No, Just--Deja vu. Howard, hasn't this already happened before now? Isn't this just happening again?"

Howard: "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a tangerine. Put 'em 'neath your pillow and--"

Tony: "Yeah, yeah, a billionaire by breakfast. I'm digging. Why am I digging?"

Howard: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it?"

Maria shows up behind Howard. It's pretty obvious here that Tony doesn't remember Howard and Maria as his parents. He knows he knows them, they seem to have some kind of relationship but not a parent to son sort of conversation. With Howard that isn't surprising, with Maria and Tony that's a sign that in Tony's head, they don't have any relation to each other. Fellow diggers in the Daliesque wasteland.

Tony: "And now the screaming and running starts and the giant things come--"

Haha! He is so over this. Tony calls shenanigans on this. He keeps digging.

Maria: "Tony, something's coming."

Random person: "RUN!"

Howard: "We have to get out of here--"

Tony stays put he wants to do some more digging and he doesn't want to keep playing his own in head version of Groundhog Day without the mildly redeeming quality of Bill Murray. But not really all that redeeming.

Tony: "Digging, I was digging for something here right here--"

Maria: "Tony--!"

Maria is trying to drag Howard, Howard is trying to save Tony and Tony is down in the dirt continuing to dig so that he can figure out what he's trying to find in there.

Tony: "There's something under here! There's something iron buried under here help m--"

Fade out


New York City, Avengers Tower:

Awesome. Just when you think you're done with Stormin' Norman, he's back with a shit eating grin on his face. How's that shit taste, Norman? Does it taste of Wictory? (Everything is funnier when you replace V with W, like Wanda in that crappy Avengers cartoon. Case and point: Wictor Won Doom)

Basically what happens here in two pages of Norman Osborn is he calls all his goons failures and removes the bounty from Tony's head with no reward going to anyone for capturing him, and then he tells them to get out of his life, he has to run the world. Also, he doesn't want Tony touched because he'd rather let him rot as a "a good little vegetable". So no more bounty. And no one is to kill Tony. And then he thanks Whitney for all her help lately. And Hood is all "...what?"


Whitney, of course, doesn't give to thoughts about the bounty. It was never about the money for her with Tony. She wants to end him because well she has her own personal politics and it has to do with apparently Tony's former company. That and well, she's a woman scorned I guess. I'm not really sure why she's going on about his company since it doesn't exist anymore. Long story short, she hires Ghost to take out Tony.

Ghost is in.


In the Stark Wasteland

Tony's found more oranges and more teeth. The long range shots of Tony are not consistent with the close ups, just so everyone knows. He looks completely different when you have a full head few than when you have just his face, which doesn't make any sense to me.

Tony: "Just a bit ago I thought about an orange and now... what the hell is going on?"

Howard: "Any luck with--"

Tony: "Howard. All of this is happening again. So help."

Howard: "Help? Ahh... I just don't get what it is you mean by help."

That's right, because Howard is a jerkface and he would never be helpful in anyway, I mean... if this was actually life.

Tony: "Dig."

Howard and Tony start to dig and Maria shows up behind them.

Tony: "Howard, help me dig this up, man."

Howard: "I'm trying to--"

Tony: "It's about elbow-deep, c'mon."

Maria: "Shame we have to stop right now, isn't it. Tony, something's--"

Tony: "Maria I know they're coming for the love of god get down here and help me dig--"

They stop. They have apparently found something, or what they were looking for because this panel has all three of them looking down into the dirt and taking in the sight.

Maria: "What are we--"

Tony: "There, right there--did you feel it?"

Howard: "Well I'll be damned. What is it?"

From the above view, we see they are all looking at part of the exposed chest plate of the Iron Man, complete with the glowing center arc reactor. Well then. Guess we know what Tony was digging for now. So here is my amateur attempt at the symbolism. Tony was in his mind digging up the Iron Man and before finding that chunk of the armor he found teeth because the Iron Man has nearly driven him insane on many occasions or caused him the fear that he would go insane. Or maybe even the idea of battling evil in a suit of armor is insane. The oranges, if they mean death, are because the Iron Man has nearly cost Tony his life a billion times over... including this time.

Maybe? Who knows. I guess time will tell.

The giant mechanical monster arrives again. Tony stares at it face on and Maria and Howard cling to each other for support because they know shit is going to go down here.

Tony: "I don't understand. What did I do?" What do I have to d"

Fade out

And... scene!

The rest of this issue after this isn't story but "If you haven't read Iron Man in the past ten years or haven't been following until now, here's what you missed."

Bite me. I'm not going to dignify it by including it in the recap.



See you next month.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #18

Previously on: Tony Stark: Of Mice and Men, Tony wrote an email to Maria that makes me cry every time, forgot Cap's dead and was shot down in Afghanistan. Maria and Natasha are in the hands of HAMMER, and is the Iron Potts with a supposedly dead Pepper and a soon to be murdered-for-failure Madame Masque...

This is a fun limbo contest.

Invincible Iron Man #18: Kids With Guns vs The Angel of Eternal Death and Other Bible Stories.

This first few pages just makes me hot thinking about it, and not in a positive life affirming way. In a, oh god I hate the sun like vampires do, sort of way. Tony wanders through the deserts of Afghanistan looking for Osama Bin Laden on his way to... well I'll let the narration tell you:

He knows this merciless thatch of land, this jagged snarl of rocks, as though it were the room he was born in. In a way it was. Here--in Afghanistan--Tony Stark is...

Tony narration: Home. Or at least the place where it all began. I don't even know the difference anymore. All I know is... I'll be safe here.

Not if those ominous kids with the missile launcher have anything to say about it. Don't you know, in GTA 4 if the guy walks away you take his ass down!

Tony finds his way to his lab, going inside and finding a big covered thing, that sort of looks phallic but who am I to complain? It is Tony Stark. But it's probably just that first old armor, why? Because that's where this entire arc has been leading and if you didn't see that coming, then you're probably not paying attention.

Tony narration: It'll be cool and dark and I bet I have water in here--this place is perfect. The place where I came in broken and bleeding and corrupted... and emerged REBORN! EVERYONE IS GETTING REBORN!! That's the only reason I capitalized it. Because Captain America REBORN can only be done as such. This is the place where I met Ho Yinsin, a pacifist engineer that looked at me and didn't see a drunk and bloody playboy... but somebody that might be worth something. At least worth dying for... where it all began turns out to be where it'll all end. Fair enough.

Yeah yeah, Fraction. We all saw the movie too.



New York City, Avengers Tower:

Maria and Natasha sit in separate cells, both pressed against the wall and communicating with each other in Morse code. This shit actually cracks me up. Maria taps out: Y O U. T H E R E. N A T. And the reply from Natasha Potts is: D R O P. D E A D. Natasha then gets up when she here's a sound and taps out an SOS to Maria. Ms. Hand of Justice and Not!Masque are walking down the hall discussing the new captives. Yeah, okay.

Hand: "...Natasha Romanova, aka The Black Widow, was running with her... a low-level sitch that moves gray and black-market hardware gave us the heads up. Sometimes it's the smallest things, the tiniest details. With regards to those on the, shall we say, sketchier side of the law. We make tremendous success. Director Osborn just has a way, I suppose."

Masque: "Indeed he does."

Could Hand of Justice sound more like a love sick puppy? I mean really?

Hand: "Anyway, that led to a follow on the Widow and she led us to Maria Hill. Ex-Head of SHIELD turned petty fugitive on the run with some ridiculous hard drive of Stark's... well? What do you think? Doesn't look capable of causing all the trouble, does she?"

Masque: "Oh, I don't know about that. Maria Hill looks like the kind of woman capable of raising all kinds of hell if she set her mind to it."

She stands face to mask with Maria and if that's not a pep-talk then I don't know what is. That is definitely NOT Whitney Frost behind that mask. Sorry kids.


Back in Afghanistan, Tony is working on his computer to get the Iron Man going. He's inner monologuing and there's some Frankensteinesque unveiling action going on. But mostly, he's just getting sadder and it almost hurts to watch. It hurts so good! His narration is interrupted by his own bitching and complaining about how can't really do what he needs to do.

Tony Narration:Typing has become miserable. Let alone still trying to write code when I can't spell anymore.

Tony: "Dammit--c'mon. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete."

Tony Narration: I've double checked, and triple checked--

Tony: "And I think the compiler is ready to run. Get the right switches and--here goes nothing."

Tony Narration: The power surges. The machines think. And then...

Tony: "It's alive."

He stands face to face with the armor, the first gray armor that famously made him Iron Man, helped him escape imprisonment and this would be a good moment, I suppose. If it hadn't been dragged out so long. I mean, I see why it had to go for a year but this close to the home stress and I just want to see some action.

Tony narration: And it's all I have left. The Iron Man Mark Zero. The walking lung that saved my life. I built it with Yinsen and a box of scraps right here in this cave. Took it back to the States and improved it some--onboard O.S., lenses, heating and cooling systems, rudimentary repulsor weapons--and it still looks like an insanely cheap old special effect. Now it's the only Iron Man simple enough for me to operate. Good lord. A repulsor battery powerful enough--buried in a machine simple enough--to take me to the end of the line. The end of my mind. The final swipe deletion of everything I know, or ever knew, like a zeroed-out hard drive, no data left for Osborn to retrieve. No more mistakes left for him to exploit.

He muses about how he can't believe the old Iron Man even moved let alone saved his life, but now it's the key to the end of it all. He goes about unhooking it and then drops all of the cables on himself before collapsing and cursing himself for being so stupid.

Tony: "Okay, plug it in--repulsors are up and generating a big signature. Big signature means I'll be traceable. Repulsors are traceable. Okay. Okay. So before I get in the suit I have to upload the whosits into the--the thing into--into the typing--I gotta run the thing I typed into the--"

From behind there's a gunshot, Tony jerks being hit in the neckish area by... say it with me... the kids with missile luncher. They also have hand guns. Kids with guns, eh? Well done Fraction. And it's also a Gorillaz reference. You're good at this.


HAMMER OVERCOMPENSATION, somewhere over the pacific ocean:

So Flunky Walsh, who's the guy who ratted out Stark... and if I remember right, from way back in the first issue of this arc, the guy who was so glad to see Maria and Tony leave... has found: say it with me, Tony's repulsor tech signal in Afghanistan. Awesome. This guy is really trying to make himself relevant. His superior sends him up to have a little chat with Norman about having found Stark, and Norman gives him a little schpeal about getting promoted because he found Hill and God high-fiving him because he now found Stark, and he's one of them. He drank the HAMMER kool-aid that tastes like baby blood and Aqua Velva. Walsh doesn't really seem pleased.

Osborn: "I'll talk to your section chief. Make sure you get your thirty pieces of silver or whatever?"

Walsh: "My what?"

Osborn: "A joke, Walsh. Walk with me." Judas. You idiot. He's calling you Judas."

Walsh: "I--uh--"

Osborn: "Walsh, c'mon. I don't ask, I order. Now come. You're my guy, Walsh. My lucky rabbit's foot. Everything that was lost is now found through you. The second Stark leaves Afghanistan, Walsh. The second he enters a country we can hunt him in without the Pentagon going all LAPD on me, you let me know the second he's out of the US theater of war. See, they won't let me near their battlefields. So I'll be in the suit and airborne. I'll come down on him like two tons of pain."

Walsh yes sirs and understood sirs until finally: "Sir, is--sir... do you have--I mean due process international law, all that. Do you have authorization to muh--to murd--to terminate Stark with that degree of prejudice?"

No, Walsh. He doesn't.

Osborn: "Tony Stark is half-dumb and on the run in the Middle-damn-East, Walsh. I'm Norman Osborn. That's all the authorization I need."

Sealed with a creepy wink...


Back in the Gorillaz Music Video:

Tony Narration: And I'm thinking--I've been shot. And I'm thinking--I got blood all over my notes. All this before I say the words:

Tony: "Who the hell are you?"

The two kids stand there with a pistol trained on him. They respond to him in Arabic which is annoying because I can't even begin to translate that.

Tony: "Don't--don't shoot me again--okay? I just--Urdu was never my strong suit... even before I wiped half my brain out and got shot in the neck..."

The kids continue to yell at him in Arabic and he types on his computer while placating them with a talk the hand gesture. The kids keep yelling until the armor starts to translate what's being said.

Kids: "Stop it, Tony Stark. Stop typing. Stop with your hands."

Tony: "Okay. You know who I am. You've got the gun and you're not afraid to use it. Now tell me what you want."

Kids: "You're Tony Stark. The great warlord. The eternal angel of death." There's the title. "The infidel architect of Hell itself. Make me great. Make me a great man of war like you."

Tony is not pleased with this. He looks surprised by their words, and almost a little hurt. Clinging to his neck, he looks at the looming Iron Man in front of him before setting his jaw in determination and turning back to the kids with guns.

Tony: "I bet you won't even need the translation for this--"

He grabs the gun still in the kid's hands, pulling it under his chin and looking at them face to face.

Tony: "No. Now kill me or get the hell out of my workshop."


On the Helicarrier:

This needs no real introduction...

Osborn: "Tony Stark. No, no. Draw it out. Enjoy it. Tony Starrrrrk. Hnn. Again. Tonnny... Stark. Anthony... Stark. Stark. Yeah... try simple. Try... Tony Stark. Well well well. Tony Starrrrk. Starrrrrrk. Yes. Of course. Just say it like you mean it, Norman. Tony Stark. I'm going to kill you."

While Osborn is talking to himself like a cliche villain, Walsh is checking for Tony's signal to see when he leaves Afghanistan.


Back there, Tony glares the kids down and they don't make a move after his ultimatum.

Tony: "You're an idiot."

He takes the gun from the kid, punches him in the face and then trains it on the other one. He point it right at the kid's forehead as the kid backs up, terrified.

Tony: "Run."

He then proceeds to release the amo and toss the gun aside.

Tony: "The eternal angel of death forgives you."

He turns back to his work.

Tony: "Dammit. Bled on my stuff."

Your priorities are bigger than that right now, Stark! You're nearly brain deleted, you've been shot and you're worried about blood on your stuff? God, you're vain.

He gets suited up in the old armor and says to himself that this is it. The last mile. He blasts his way out of his lab.

Tony narration: I am Iron Man. And seven hours from Doomsday. Now I just hop I can get to Dubai and die quietly before Osborn can sic the whole of the Western hemisphere down on me...

Walsh is sitting at his terminal. He sees that Tony is on the move and prays that Ms. Hand of Justice isn't sitting at her terminal right now. He's hoping to God that he doesn't have to finish his decent into being Judas because he's misses SHIELD, remember? And he probably doesn't want to be "that guy" when Osborn inevitably loses his grip on the world. You know Walsh, you're kind of like a Nazi. When it all ends, you can tell the world you were just following orders...

See how that works out for you.


Meanwhile, Hand of Justice is not at her terminal, she's staring out the window longing for an out. At least, that's what I would be if I was Norman Osborn's personal assistant with a pseudo-punk red streak in my hair...

Off page HAMMER Flunky: "Ms. Hand? Before we destroy the find, we need your order to do it. Director Osborn has ordered all exo-mechanical suits to be--"

Hand: "Do it."

Off Page HAMMER Flunky: "When we sifted the wreckage of the Stark lab in Russia, we came across this suit. It's an old Crimson Dynamo, we think. And--and it's making a sound, ma'am. From inside. We've scanned it for--for everything--bombs. Traps. Any kind of anything and... and we wanted you to be here to see what's inside. Whatever that may--"

They slice the armor open with a laser down the middle and pry it open to reveal a brunette woman sitting up from the smoking wreckage. Hand of Justice reacts the same way that everyone does to Whitney Frost's maskless face, with a little throw up in her mouth.

Whitney: "She took my mask! Stark's wench! Stark's wench took my mask--!"

Cue Not!Masque running down the hall. By a show of hands, who isn't surprised that Potts is the one behind the mask? Yep, that's everyone. So Not!Masque stops in front of Maria's room where she's sitting on the floor cross-legged and rather smug looking for a captive. Maybe she's getting some of her sane back.

Maria: "We finally gonna get shot, or what? I could kind of use the rest. Ever since SHIELD became HAMMER and I got fired I don't have any health care and I've been having these real bad dreams lately..."

Not!Masque: "Hill... shut up."

She takes off the Masque that also apparently has an attached wig, to reveal Pepper Potts. And there's a resounding silence of not being surprised. Though, I'm not surprised, I actually liked the fact that Pepper has her own set of balls now and could kick Whitney's crazy ass. Like I really do. Make her something other than Tony's assistant and sometimes love interest with a dead husband. She got a taste of Hero in the Order and she likes it. Go Pepper!... just stop making out with Tony. It kills your cred.

Maria: "Pepper Potts? Seriously? Tony Stark's secretary?"

Personal assistant. They are vaguely different.

Maria: "I honestly don't know who Osborn is going to kill first..."

Natasha: "Now that you've infiltrated Osborn's headquarters completely alone, do you have an exfiltration strategy or--"

First of all, it's not like Pepper doesn't know this place like the back of her hand since she only worked there. That and has worked for Tony most of their adult lives. But you know, lets not give credit where credit is due or anything like that.

Pepper: "Who said I came alone?"


In Osborn's hall of stolen armors, Iron Potts activates with JARVIS:

JARVIS: "JARVIS online. Solar power reserves at 10%. Rescue rebooting. Please stand by. Uploading virus into HAMMER mainframe. Virus uploaded. Virus unpacking."

Elsewhere, the Iron Patriot stands ready to leave, while I puke in my mouth at the site of it.

Osborn: "Something's wrong. Dammit, what just... Walsh, are you there? Where is Stark going? Walsh? Where the hell is he? I'm flying blind."

Walsh: "I, uh--Roger that, uh, Director Osborn, he--there's a thing--technical thing here and I can't--that is to say, uh, Tony Stark is--is--he's going toward Pakistan--going east, sir. I can manually lay in a course for you from here."

Walsh regrets his choice and buries his face in his hands.

Iron Patriot takes to the air, after Tony's trail.

Osborn: "At last. Tony Stark dies today."

One more issue kids....

See you October 21st.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #17

Previously on Tony Stark: ZOMG like the end of the world! Tony got his ass handed to him by Whitney and beat a hasty retreat to Afghanistan. Pepper stayed behind to battle Whitney and her fucking crazy self. Maria was still off her rocker and Natasha went to explore the contents of the harddrive, only to unintentionally rat herself out.

So this is where it gets better right?

Invincible Iron Man #17: Ashes and Snow

Still in goddamn Russia:

Fire and snow, hey, look there's the title. Madame Masque, bloody and disheveled pulls the Iron Potts armor through the snow. She stops when she finds her discarded communicator on the snow in front of her. Through this she connects with Osborn and has a conversation that lead me to believe that Fraction, trying to keep a secret (but not really succeeding) that Pepper is wearing Madame Masque's mask. And apparently has scalped her for it. Ew. Why would you put that on your head, unless of course you're sick and twisted, or in a Tarantino movie...

Masque: "Hello? Come in? It's Masque. it's Madame Masque."

Osborn: "Ms. Frost. Nice of you to return a call."

Masque: "I was busy."

Osborn: "Busy getting me good news, I hope."

Masque: "Win some. Lose some. Stark escaped. He had plans and traps in place and--"

Osborn: "And you failed."

Masque: "Yes but... but Potts is dead."

Osborn: "Really?"

Masque: "With my own hands, Norman, with my own hands."

Osborn: "Well, I'm thrilled, clearly, but she wasn't exactly a thorn in my paw."

Masque: "I'm not finished. Potts is dead and I recovered her suit."

Osborn lets out a weasel laugh heh, because he's a jerk, and he looks out the Venetian blinds in "his" office. Really? You're in a state of the art architectural and technological marvel of a building, built and designed by Tony Stark... and you're using Venetian blinds? Really?


Kazakhstan

I could make Borat jokes, but I won't because that's so three years ago.

Tony hitches a ride in the back of a pick up truck now with a nice growth of chinstrap beard and matching mustache... last time I checked you had to trim it to get that full effect so... there's something either wrong with the art or with the art direction. I really don't think a guy who shaved everything off was thinking, "Oh when it grows back and I'm barely able to write my name, I've gotta remember to trim". But then again, I'm no man.

So Tony's hitched a ride to a town where he finds an Internet public use hub. He goes to a terminal and proceeds to write the following email that played over the panels of this two pages and a half pages. When Tony is finished, he plays the knitting ladies behind the counter and leaves, hitchhikes through the snow again. The Email, is as follows, typed exactly as it is in the comic pages:

"To: maria.hill@shield.gov
From: calicomom63@gmail.com

Dear Maria,

I do not remember how this email thing works so I hope this works. I am in Kazikstan and trying to get to Afgahnistan. It is real cold but I'm trying my best to stay warm. Good news I can still read cyrillic. My spelling is not so great anymore but I still have chunks of langages in my head. I hid the suit and folowed the sund of signals until I foud internet in this little town. Madam Mask found me and Pepper in the lab here and we fought. It was bad. And I left her to fight her. I ran away and I feel reel bad about it but she was probably right. I know she will be ok but still. I am not used to that kind of behaver. Captain America would not leave a man behind would he? I feel I have to confess to cap when I see him again. I am writing to see how you are doing. I do not rumember what it was you are doing but I know it is reel important. It is harder and harder to remember some things like that. Maybe the more recent things I think. Maybe. I wish I cud study what was going on better. Anyway I feld gilty and wanted to make sure you were ok. I am off now I should leave before somebody finds me.

Stay safe Maria Hill. Stay alive.

Love, Tony."

So recap within the recap: WOOWOO, HERE COMES THE PLOT TRAIN: Tony is forgetting how to spell, and then remembering again, which is almost sadder than him completely forgetting. And he doesn't remember that Steve is dead. Good-bye, Plot train. It was nice seeing you again.

Tony gets set in his armor, setting a course for Afghanistan. With an estimated arrival time of nine hours and nine minutes, he decides to pass the time with the soothing sounds of Introduction to Electrical Engineering, audiobooks.

Imagine my awful Minnesotan accent when I say, Oh jeez.


New York:

Maria is asleep and awoken by the sound of her cellphone going off. Probably the alert of Tony's email. She tells it to shut up and then gets up, peeking out the door. She grabs a knife and goes into the other room, sneaking up behind Natasha, who's bent over the computer looking at the monitor screen. She reaches back and nails Maria in the throat with her elbow, then wanks her backwards and takes the knife from her hand.

Natasha: "Hill! Dammit! It's me, Natasha!"

Maria slumps against the fridge, holding her throat.

Natasha: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Maria: "Heard--heard someone--hhk didn't know--sorry--"

Natasha: "Who the hell else would it be, Hill? Hmm? At the meet tonight, if you hear a car honk somewhere, will you stab Captain America in the neck? Or pop me in the back of the head twice? Pull yourself together, Hill. This is it. This is for everything. You screw this up... and all of HAMMER will come down on us."

I really don't think that Maria could take Captain America, at least not enough to get near his neck with a knife. Now, if she'd pop you in the back of the head twice, I wouldn't mind it so much. Stop kicking Maria while she's down, man. You were so tender with her last month, what's your fucking deal? Maybe she read the Maria/Natasha fanfic that has inevitably been written...


SHIELDHAMMER Helicarrier:

Osborn greets Dmitri in Russian and unfortunately I don't speak Russian and I don't have Russian characters on my keyboard so we just have to guess it was some fake polite greeting since its Osborn and the last time they spoke, Dmitri displeased him. We all know what happens when Osborn is displeased...

He cranks some Limp Bizkit and pouts while he breaks things.

Osborn: "This is a courtesy, Colonel, informing you that HAMMER has critical business on Russian soil. As I'm sure you've been notified, we're already in Russian airspace and expect to have boots on the ground in--Ms. Hand?"

They expect to have boots on the ground in Ms. Hand of Justice? That's inappropriate, even for you Norman...

Ms. Hand: "Seven minutes."

Osborn: "Seven minutes."

Dmitri: "How dare you! This is an act of aggression against the Russian people and--and--and--on whose authority do you--under what orders--"

Osborn: "Colonel, we have immediate and actionable intelligence suggesting that a Chechnyan splinter cell is about to purchase fissionable materials from a disgruntled ex-Soviet militia group. You let me clean up my mess, and I'll tell you where and how to clean up yours. Go stop an A-bomb, Colonel. Save a couple million people. Be a hero. All I want is Stark."

Dmitri swears in Russian and Osborn goes on about how he's going to go ahead on in and clean things up, then leave nice and quiet like they'd never been there, before ending the conversation. He almost hits Ms. Hand of Justice in the face as he stretches and fake yawns, and I wonder why she puts up with this crap. The sex must be really great. He then tells her to fabricate some people for Dmitri to arrest.

As for Colonel Bukharin, he sits alone in his dark room, wherever that is, pouring two shots of vodka. One for himself, and one for the absent Tony Stark. This part, choked me up.

Dmitri: "Ahh, Tony. I am sorry, my old friend. So so sorry. Long may you run, Tony Stark. Za vas!"

He raises his glass to toast him.

The helicarrier shows up and scoops up Madame Masque and the Iron Potts.


Meanwhile in the bowls of the helicarrier, some stupid flunky ass from Data Mining in SHIELDHAMMER finds the signal from Tony's email. It's enough to rise suspicion with thirty-eight key word hits and the address of zero send history, that and it was sent to Maria Hill. The other guy, Jonesy, tells him to take it to Hand of Justice, and he does, but not before he laments about missing SHIELD. We all miss SHIELD, fucknuts.

He takes it to Ms Hand of Justice who... has the strangest office ever. Like, it's huge with nearly nothing in it. She's got a lamp in the far corner. A couch against the wall, A desk in the middle and a file cabinet hutch thing behind it. One picture on the wall. Her desk has nothing on it but a computer and a desk light. Ms. Hand of Justice is a very very lonely woman, I imagine.

So he relays the information to Hand of Justice, who talks to him like a dominatrix, telling him to speak or leave and when he can go. Why does she have that dumb red streak in her hair? She looks tarded. It's not fun or funky, it's just... sad. So the guy leaves and runs into another flunky who asks if Hand sent him packing to Antarctica, implying that he seems down. He replies:

Flunky: "I think I just ratted out Tony Stark."

And now he feels like a jerk. Well he should. DIAF.


Iron Man is flying through the sky.

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

Tony is asleep in the armor, and it's almost adorable because you know it's just not because he's half retarded in that armor. Poor, sleepy, special Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you hadn't done it to yourself. You're really going to be in a world of hurt when those kids with that missile launcher go all GTA 4 on your ass and shoot you out of the sky in 3, 2, 1..

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes vol--

The warning systems in the armor wake up Tony but not soon enough for him to get out of the way. The missile hits him, he goes down like a friend of Dick Cheney's and crashes in the desert rock below. He escapes the armor, mostly unscathed by emergency evac and then climbs out before collapsing to his knees beside the broken shell of armor. I can't tell if he's covered in oil or blood or both.

Now, I do feel bad for Tony.


New York City:

Maria and Natasha both dressed in black widow outfits (and perpetuating Tony Stark's inner fantasies... if he still has any...) are staking out the meet location on top of a roof.

Maria: "Looks okay."

Natasha: "It looks completely and totally devoid of any human activity at all. Which looks a little suspicious to me. When Cap comes he'll have his own route, his own system. His own surveillance. If he thinks we've been rumbled, he'll take off."

Maria: "Right."

Natasha Potts is making Bucky a lot more epic than he actually is I think. She's treating this whole situation like he's God or the President or something, and that's simply not the case. We get it, every one's in hiding and Norman Osborn wants to smite you with the power of... Ares... so you gotta be low key about this, but really? Natasha Potts has delusions of grandeur about her boyfriend.

And I'm not even going to get into the logic here, because clearly Maria isn't gunning to turn you guys in for not registering and she's coming to you on order from Tony who clearly has... fuck it.

Natasha: "So all we can do is cover our own bases, right? Sweep he location and, if any thing's off, we bail, right?"

Maria: "Yeah."

Natasha: "Can you keep it together?"

Maria: "I can keep it together. It's not the job I don't know how to do anymore."

Natasha: "We're about to win, Hill. And then we'll get you back."

Natasha Potts tenderly strokes Maria's cheek and it is here I decide that they have the most bipolar relationship in the world. Weren't you just ripping her a new one a few pages ago? You know what, forget it. I fucking hate you Natasha Potts. Enjoy being ScarJo.

Maria and Black Widow flip around on roof tops and then Natasha goes ahead leaving Maria on look out. Maria sees what they don't want to have. HAMMER is waiting for them, she sees a hand sticking out of a door.

Maria: "Oh no. No no no--please, no--"

The HAMMER guys inside the van are listening in to what she's saying.

HAMMER Flunky: "She goes, "oh no, no no no, please no." That's it--all stations, Hill has made us--go go go."

Natasha Potts get held at gun point by the bad guys, but she's more concerned about well, Maria. Maria watches.

Natasha: "Hill. Hey! I'm over here! I'm over here!"

Maria: "Nat, I'm so, so sorry--"

Maria gets caught by a group of HAMMER guys who also take her. The HAMMER guys are ready to shoot Natasha Potts, but are told to hold fire so they just haul her in with them. From another rooftop, Captain America watches this shit go down. You only see him as a faceless shadow before he's gone. Well, Bucky, you've been very helpful. Or maybe it isn't Bucky... maybe it's Steve. Bwahahahaha... oh, that's only in my dreams.


Back at Norman Osborn's over-compensation for his tiny penis, known as the Helicarrier:

Osborn: "Kind of a good news-bad news thing, eh? Way it goes, I suppose. I just--walk me through this one time--because I just don't understand how Tony Stark could've gotten away. What with your...history...I'd assume he was your first priority."

Masque: "There was fighting. And there were explosions. And then fire. It was confusing and... I did my best. My feelings about Tony--about Stark--never played into it. There was a third party involved and--and there were complications. I failed. I killed Potts and recovered her suit but that wasn't my mission. I failed."

And you are not convincing me that you're Madame Masque, by any means. You're not convincing Osborn either because he's sneaking up from behind the way all good creeper rapist bad guys do. He's getting in position to choke her as she turns away.

Masque: "He can't have gotten far."

Osborn: "I know."

Masque: "He's losing... he's losing intelligence. You can see it. Sense it in him. He's not all there anymore."

Osborn: "So you spoke with him then."

Masque: "I... yes, briefly."

Osborn: "But you didn't capture him."

Masque: "No. There were--"

Osborn: "Complications. You said a third party. Or whatever your excuse was... It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does."

And as Osborn comes in for the kill, Ms. Hand of Justice busts into the scene. Saved by the useless assistant!

Hand: "Director Osborn!"

Osborn: "You forget how to knock, Ms. Hand, or--?"

Hand: "Norman, shut up for one second please--we just caught Maria Hill."

Wait... so they are fucking, or are we supposed to believe that she can just tell Norman Osborn to shut up? So she is his Potts then? But with fucking. Got it.


Down in the Hall of Armor, two flunky morons mess with the Iron Potts, and make your mom jokes. Well that's an annoying end.


Two more issues.

invincible Iron Man Issue #16

When last we left TONY FUCKING STARK GETS PWNED: Tony was exactly that, pwned. He and Pepper were at the mercy of the always crazy Whitney Frost aka Madam Masque. So that's fun. Masque also ditched her connection with Osborn, and Maria finally convinced Natasha Potts to help her... even though Natasha Potts is still convinced Maria is crazy...

If you think Maria's Crazy, go to Russia and talk to Whitney... sheesh.

Invincible Iron Man #16: Titan of the Nuclear Age

Russian Federation
Kirensk:

We open on the bunker that Tony and Pepper were hanging in - remember from last issue when Tony was playing lumberjack? Well the big hole in its side is from Madam Masque busting in, then down the hall way to where Whitney is still straddled over Tony's lap while he tries not to puke as she takes off her mask. Pepper is still half passed out in the corner from the beating she took. The art is... looking better...ish.

Whitney: "So pay attention: When I look in the mirror I want to scream. I see waste and horror. And I suspect I see something monstrous on the outside that matches something monstrous within. I see the ruins of a little girl you played like a fiddle and threw away. Look at what I used to be and tell me what you think, Tony my love. Now that you can't like anymore, tell me that you don't see the exact same thing."

Panel of Pepper looking so annoyed she's about to retch. Me too, Potts. This girl has got some shit twisted doesn't she? As I recall, Tony just sort of accidently killed her dad... who never really stayed dead... but like, her dad was a bad guy so... whatever. The point is, Whitney has some serious issues.

Tony: "Whitney. You're mentally ill." The nuttier the sluttier, that's what I've been saying all along. Tony likes his women a straight jacket away from a padded cell . "You are very seriously mentally ill. Your father raised you to be a criminal mastermind. There are no other words for it. He made you in his own awful image." Does that sound familiar? Without the criminal part... hey, Tony... when are your daddy issues going to come up? "You survived a plane crash and were horribly disfigured." For those who tuned in late. "And your father, capable of doing so much with technology, preferred to find new ways to commit crimes rather than heal you. You're emotionally unstable and fueled by guilt and rage and paranoia. careening from one awful decision to the next looking for..."

This ends todays therapy session with Dr. Tony Stark: Psycho-babbling his way through one relationship to the next!

Tony continues as Whitney removes her mask completely and looks down at him pinned on the ground.

Tony: "I don't know, absolution maybe? And in spite of your--accident--in spite of your condition... I loved you. We were killing each other, but I loved you."

Whitney: "Oh Tony. Tony, I knew it. I always knew it." Then why are we even in this situation? Wasn't that the point of this? For him to prove it... but you already knew so...

Pepper agrees, this is completely overkill as Whitney continues to babble on about how she loves Tony and Tony says nothing. Pepper says it's torture and you know what? I agree with her and I'm pretty sure Tony does too, lying there on his back like a helpless caged animal. It makes me think of Tiny Toons with that little Elmyra Duff girl who was always torturing animals with her "love" but really she was destroying their windpipes when she hugged them. Yeah. That's Whitney Frost all right.

She continues to drone on about how she's sort of seeing someone but it's cool because they could run away together and could be like love fugitives or something stupid like that, as the Iron Potts comes to life. Pepper's looking at Tony first, who has this look on his face like "get her the fuck off me... anything is better than this... sex with Namor is better than this!" as the armor is getting ready. Tony, you make a good distraction for the crazy lady so just go with it, alright? Now that the Iron Potts is getting in gear and ready, Pepper looks determined in her annoyance.

Whitney: "Two lovers on the run from the world determined to crush them. C'mon Tony-- that sounds absolutely amazing. You and me against the world."

Vomit.


New York, Garment District:

Make it work!

MARIA HAS A SNUGGIE (or a Slanket for you in Europe)! No... it's just a sheet, god how I wish it was a Snuggie. Nothing spices up a good story like a Snuggie around a fugitive. She could be warm and run from Osborn! Well, except that her ass would be hanging out... details details... just imagine that? No way anyone would believe she's not crazy... not only has she lost enough self respect to wear a Snuggie, but that's... all she's wearing. So much potential there, Crazy Maria.

Wait, hold up--Maria's in her not!Snuggie and Natasha Potts is decked out in her leather Black Widow digs... what do you think happened here? Bow chica bow wow.

Jokes aside, Maria's not answering her phone.

Natasha Potts: "You gonna get that, Hill?"

Maria: "No. I haven't--It's mine, y'know? mine. Anybody calling it or whatever are people I know from...from the outside. From my real life. 82 Voice mail. A couple hundred emails. And I don't have a single damn thing to say. He was in my head. He was inside of me. All my life, everything I ever fought for, everything I ever did--The Controller just stuck a thing on the back of my neck and took it all away. What the hell could I possibly say to Aunt Rosemary about that? 'Hi Aunt Rosemary, I know what it's like to be dead..'"

Natasha Potts is like ... and in a way I have to feel really bad for Maria here. She's hunched over the kitchen table, wrapped in a blanket and basically lost. No on really stops to think that she was just as fucked as Stark because no one wanted to care. Well, I care and she is in a bad way. She got completely screwed and the people who should help her probably won't. And I think Natasha Potts is kind of noticing that too, even if she won't admit it. Or maybe the compassion on her face is just because she's drawn too much like Pepper.

Natasha Potts: "You really know how to inspire confidence in your fellow fugitives, Hill."

Okay, maybe not. She's just drawn too much like Potts.

Maria: "The hell is that supposed to mean? You don't know what I went what I went through back there."

She gets up from the table and starts losing her shit on Natasha, and I think well within her rights here. Go Maria. I'm totally on your side here. Natasha's just bitter because Scar Jo is playing her in Iron Man 2 and more than likely any following movies with Natasha in them.

Natasha Potts: "You're right. I don't. You've not been able to coherently explain your--"

Maria: "Hey! Don't judge me! Recovery doesn't have a timetable, Natasha!"

Natasha Potts: "That's too bad because I'd love to recover my I.D. that you blew and put us both on the run--"

Maria: "He was in my head! I got beat! And then everything was riding on me and I can't shake him off--"

Natasha: "Okay, Hill-- this is the deal and I'm not debating it. I will not endanger Captain America--Bucky--one whit. Time is at a premium and you're shattered. We don't have the time to put you back together again gently. We're going to go through with the rendezvous tonight as though you still were the most gifted agent of your generation. Because you were once and, somewhere in here, I know you still are. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust you to be you. The second you blow it, I'm dust and you hang. Pull it together, Hill, or the world loses and Osborn wins."

With a peptalk like that who could resist. I love you spy girls, you get so bitchy with each other like lioness fighting over the alpha male. It turns me on... too bad Natasha Potts is not even remotely physically or emotionally attractive to anyone but Bucky these days.



Avengers Tower:

Osborn is working on the Iron Patro--gag--Iron Patriot. It's not going well I'd imagine by his repeated use of the word Dammit. Osborn has realized that his armor is inferior to Stark's because he's missing something. Well, duh. A brain? Oh wait... is it... charisma? No no... the point is your armor sucks Osborn and you're not a good Iron Man. So maybe you should just stop.

He does, briefly to check in with Masque in Russia. Who doesn't reply. Osborn seems worried. Maybe he likes them nutty and slutty too. Menace will not be pleased if you try to tap Whitney while she's carrying around your bebe.

He resigns himself to Whitney being fine and if she needs help she'll ask for it.


Speaking of Nutty sluts...

Back in Russia Whitney is still talking about how she and Tony are meant to be and for a brief moment in the middle panel you can see the disfigured face underneath the mask. Tony is so not down for any of this, and the Iron Potts is going to put its head on. Whitney says that Tony was never afraid to look at her because they are exactly alike. Tony looks disgusted maybe it's because she's insinuated he's ugly, or maybe it's because he's gotten another gander at the Ultimate Butherface (everything's hot but her face) or...oh I got it SHE'S TRYING TO PUT HER MASK ON HIS FACE!

Gross... think of all the disgusting cooties that are on that thing.

Whitney: "I'll show you just how much we're alike, Tony. We match, you and I."

Tony: "No--Whitney, don't-"

Whitney shushes him and puts the mask on his face, while the headless Iron Potts rummages around for the helmet head. Seriously, if this wasn't a tense moment in the comic it would be hilarious.

Whitney: "There, you're perfect now. Just like me."

Tony looks fucking ridiculous with that mask on his face. No joke. But it might be an improvement to the way Larroca has been drawing him.

Tony: "Whitney. You're ill. You need help. You--"

Whitney: "You are all I need, Tony. You're all I ever needed. Tony, I love--"

Tony: "Whitney? What?"

Damn Whitney is so insane. So while I sit here and hum Ben Folds "Bitch Went Nuts" the rest of the scene starts to make more sense. Seriously, Tony? Your taste in woman is seriously fucked up. IF you survive this (And if you heard about or went to the Dark Reign or Mondo Marvel Panels at SDCC, chances are he won't) you are like on a strict dating embargo until you learn how to not pick crazy women. Seriously, man. How many more of these can you take?!

Crazy Pants Madam Masque or CPMM, catches the reflection of the Iron Potts assembling itself in the mask. She then decides to start getting armed and dangerous again. Thankfully, she puts her mask back on and stops freaking everyone out with her butherface or at least freaking Tony out by making him wear it. How long do you think it's been since she washed that thing? She rambles about how many times can he break a girls heart and then says the best line in the issue:

Whitney: "If I can't have him, no one will you little ginger trollop--"

Seriously? Who the fuck says trollop anymore besides maybe Steve Rogers (who's not dead if you haven't read Reborn. He's in Time, lost in Time... whooohoo they have the Plot Train over there!)

CPMM shoots at Pepper and Tony tries to kick her down, which he does and the bullet misses Pepper and hits the Iron Potts in the 'where her nipple would be'. Pepper shouts at Tony that she's still got the-- but is cut off by CPMM screaming YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM at her. Though, no where did I ever see anything about Pepper wanting him in this entire issue. I mean sure, they've had some questionable moments of possible hanky panky but nothing really... substantiated other than a couple of smooches. Who doesn't smooch their boss now and then? I make out with mine--

Iron Potts gears up for action, defending Pepper from the bullets by shooting repulsors at them, an unfair advantage but who cares. Whitney has crazy on her side.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts. Solar Reserves at 6%. Please stand by."

Whitney's response is to kick Tony in the face, which, okay. And then she drags him up holding a gun to his chin. He's apparently stuffed himself full of cheeseburgers or something between panels because he's gotten immensely more obese in the face. Iron Potts is trying to untie Pepper at this point and this moment actually gets tense.

Whitney: "Dammit, Tony--Decide, right now. Me or her? live or die? Make up your mind. Me, Tony?"

Pepper addresses the Iron Potts and Whitney moves her gun to Tony's temple.

Pepper: "Don't--stop untying me--you don't have enough power to--"

Whitney: "If you choose me, I'll let her live. She'll walk out of here alive. But if you choose her--"

Tony: "Her. it's always been her."

Iron Potts shoots off the restraints on Pepper's wrists. Whitney turns the gun and shoots at a barrel of something, probably gas of some kind. judging from the way she threatens and the explosion that follows.

Whitney: "I hope you die. I hope we both die."

Pepper: "Don't--"

Explosion. Whitney gets blown away, Tony gets knocked back, and Iron Potts covers Pepper like every good armor should do. Nicely done, Iron Potts/JARVIS. For some reason, Tony yells for Whitney. Maybe he's yelling at Whitney... but since he's apparently restrained (I don't recall him being so before) he can't angrily shake his fist in the air.


Maria's in the shower when she starts having flashbacks to the Controller getting his disc in her neck. She starts panicking, freaking out. SHe screams no before tangling herself in the shower curtain and falling out of the shower, screaming. Natasha Potts bursts in to rescue her.

Maria: "No no no--"

Natasha: "HILL!"

Maria: "I'll kill you, I--"

Natasha: "Maria! Maria Hill! Maria, snap out of--"

I have to note that Natasha Potts looks a bit more like Scar Jo now, hm. Fuck that. Anyway, so Maria's on the floor wet and terrified as Natasha who no longer looks like Potts, bends down to help her. She ends up holding Maria who curls up a soaping scared dog in her lap. It's actually really touching and made me choke up a little. Poor Maria.

Maria: "I--oh--oh, no. Nat, I'm so sorry. I--He's in my head."

Natasha: "It's okay."

Maria: "I can't get him out of my head."

My Internal Mike Rowe comes back to narrate again!

Narration: She goes down with the help of a few pills and twenty-eight minutes of controlled breathing. All this mess, thinks the Black Widow. All this mess better be worth it.

Maria is asleep, with a bottle of pills beside her and this art is actually really pretty. Maria looks so delicate and so fragile and actually really beautiful in this panel as she sleeps and crazy dreams play in her head. At least, that's my best guess. Natasha watches Maria sleep before she starts to snoop around in the backpack Maria brought, taking a picture of the hard drive on what I guess is a blackberry of some kind and then sneaking out of the room.

Natasha narration: I can't believe she's--all this damage and drama over this. Doesn't look like any input ports I'm familiar with. Wonder what's on it. Proprietary Stark stuff, I bet. Still--I'd like to know just what exactly is causing me all this trouble. Aside from Maria Hill. Sleep tight, crazy lady. I'm gonna go see a guy about this drive of yours. try not to burn the house down while I'm gone.



Meanwhile in a burning inferno that used to be Tony's lab:

Pepper is crawling over to Tony, who's unconscious on the ground (and no longer tied up... make a choice and stick with your fucking continuity, jesus). The place around them is a blaze. Tony's down for the count which is just typical of him isn't it? She gets to him and cups his face in his hand, he has a head injury that's bleeding rather.. profusely from the drawing and he's barely managing to get his shit together. When Whitney attacks!

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, wake up--! Tony!"

Tony: "Peh. Pepper."

Pepper: "Tony, are you--"

Tony: "Pepper?"

Pepper: "Are you okay? Can you--?"

Tony: "She shot you?"

Pepper: "At me. It's okay. Rescue had a little bit of--"

Tony: "Rescue?"

Pepper: "My suit. It's what I named--"

Tony: "Right, right. Okay. Rescue."

Pepper: "She had a little reserve power and JARVIS was able to--"

CPMM comes out of no where and starts an epic battle royale with Pepper. Seriously, these two throw down while Tony lays there dazed from his head injury. Not to self: Head wound plus brain delete equals bad news bears. Pepper holds her own pretty well too, even as Whitney talks all crazy saying she doesn't love Tony like she does and all this other stuff. Pepper tells her to shut up and flips her onto her back. Pepper tackles MM and throws a punch, telling her to hold still. MM fires her guns and misses. That's when Iron Potts gets involved!

JARVIS: "Ms. Frost... I believe Ms. Potts gave you a direct order. Solar reserves at 3%"

Iron Potts pins Whitney to the wall, while Pepper crawls away to check on Tony. He says his head hurts, well duh, and she tells him not to move. He can't because of his head.

Whitney: "No-No no no you will not keep me from him. You will not--"

Pepper: "Tony...Tony.."

Tony: "We gotta get out of here. Get out of here. Run as far--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's not me--it's you."

Tony: "What?"

Pepper: "You have to go. Get in your suit and get out of here."

Tony: "Pepper, I'm not leaving you."

Pepper: "Tony, you couldn't leave me if you tried. But this--all of this--is going to be for nothing if she, or Osborn, get their hands on you."

Tony: "Pepper, I--"

Pepper: "Tony. Tony, you've been training me for this for a long time now, and I'm telling you--I'm ready. After all the times you've saved my life over the years... Tony, please: let me save yours."

Tony and Pepper kiss. Whitney screams she's going to kill them and Pepper helps Tony suit up to make his escape. Tony is so clearly out of it it almost hurts to watch. They say good by and Tony takes off leaving Pepper there to battle Madam Masque and the burning building. This is actually really sad, but some of the art is gorgeous. I said it. Larroca has gorgeous art. The Iron Potts runs out of reserves and MM kicks it down and out of her way. The final Panel is Whitney and Pepper running toward each other with an epic blaze behind them.

Epic. Kind of.


New York, Ludlow Street.

Natasha talks to an annoying kid who lets her in after some force to talk to an elderly asian man who apparently lives in a wall. I'm not sure where that is going but he identifies the drive as definitely Stark tech and if anything drops off a van to help her crack it, he'll let her know. He calls her white girl a lot and I think this is just a set up for something later. He dismisses her quickly to do some work.


Tony's flying out of Russia, berating himself.

Tony narration: I left her. I can't believe I--you left her. You coward. Coward. Never should've left her. Never should have--stop, Tony. Stop it. She'll be fine. She can take care of herself. I can't believe you left her.

Tony, talking to himself: "Uh lay, in--lay in a course uh, to--to--uh, lay in a course to--Afghanistan. Shut up. Stop thinking. We're going to Afghanistan."


Slowly losing more of his mind, Tony barely lives to fight another day and heads back to "where it all began."

So I know that Fraction picked up the book with the intent of making it more, "new fans from the movie friendly" which is fine with me, but like... can't I just ask thing...?

IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVIE FANS FRIENDLY WHY CAN'T HE BE PRETTY LIKE RDJ?!


Continued in Invincible Iron Man #17

Only 3 issues left.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #15

Last time in "Tony Stark Is So Fucked!" Tony met up with Dmitri the Crimson Dynamo and for his efforts received a loaner armor. Pepper found Tony but Tony nearly killed her. Madame Masque has them in her sights and was ready to pull the trigger. Maria found Natasha and Natasha was fucking out of there because she thinks Hill is crazypants. Oh the places you'll go...

Invincible Iron Man #15: The Danger We're All In


Russian Federation Kirensk

Pepper Potts is screaming her fucking face off because Tony is about ready to blow her ass to bits. She is not pleased. Tony finally realizes that oops, she is not the enemy and he probably shouldn't fire missiles into her face. Mostly, because that will get messy and he promised that he would return the Crimson Dynamo armor intact.

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, don't you dare! I've gone through way too much of your crap to die by you shooting me in the face in the middle of the damn Tundra!"

Ain't that the fucking truth. You could have a spin off comic based off the crap Pepper's had to deal with in her time working for Tony.

Tony: "Oh good lord--Pepper?!?"

Tony and Pepper are sitting in the snow, Tony took off his helmet and for some reason he resembles this guy I knew back in my swimming days named Brian Nagel. In fact, this is the first panel that foreshadows how Tony will look completely different from panel to panel in this issue, barely resembling the way he looked before. I thought he was deleting his brain, not morphing into a new person... is he getting extensive plastic surgery?

Pepper: "Thank God--"

Tony: "Pepper! Pepper, I'm so--the armor. Pep, I forgot about your armor--I'm sorry."

Pepper: "Shut up."

They share an armored hug in the middle of the snow, and it's kind of sweet if you don't think how uncomfortable that must be... to hug someone in the armor you're wearing. I doubt that either is really worried about comfort though, considering it's fucking snowing and it's the Tundra... but who am I to... forget I said anything about logic. There's an important Plot ahead. Here comes the Plot Train: woowooooo

Tony: "It's my mind, Pepper. I--"

Pepper: "It's okay."

Tony: "No, it's not okay. I forgot--I forgot I made it for you and--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's okay. It's--"

They kiss and there goes the Plot Train... until we meet again, keeping going up that hill. You think you can, I know you can, little Plot Train that could. I was fine with it when Pepper and Morphing Tony kissed the first time because it was a good-bye, end of the world, desperate kiss. I was fine with that because you know what? I would have done the same thing if I were either one of them. This situation is so not kosher. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! And Whitney Frost agrees as she hones in on them with her annoying self, and makes a huffing sound as if... she has some claim on Tony these days. Well, maybe in her own crazy head. The nuttier, the sluttier... right, Tony?

Whatever, so Pepper and Tony get up and talk about how ancient the Crimson Dynamo looks and then how they're going to the lab he built under the land where meteorite hit and all that as they walk hand and hand into the... white out. I was going to say sunset but you can't see the sun, just a hazy Russian winterscape... Madame Masque starts to target them more and decides Pepper will die before Tony. Probably so Tony can blame himself for something else.

New York, NY: Garment District

Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum bring the designers to--wait... oh I forgot, this isn't Project Runway, this is...never mind.

On the roof Natasha Potts or maybe Pepper Romanova decide to have words about how Maria is batshit crazypants. That's okay, I kind of like Batshit Crazy Maria. For the record, I hope Bethany Cabe doesn't enter this arc because then she'll look also like Pepper; all the red-heads in the Marvel Universe look exactly the same when Larroca traces draws them.

Maria is asking for help again and Natasha Potts keeps talking about how Maria is nuts and at this point this is all very boring. Natasha Potts accuses Maria of blowing Futurepharm just because it was Osborn's property and continues to call her nutty. Maria explains that she did it because of The Controller (who she doesn't name) and that she needs to find Bucky. Tony sent her for what's in her bag to give to Captain America and Osborn wants it. That sounds perfectly sane to me all things considered... if it was just some random guy on the street, I'd think he'd had too many puffs off the happy stick.

Natasha Potts, with her lopsided boobs, is not convinced. She thinks Maria looks sick and she's not making much sense. Maria, of course, knows she makes perfect sense and she's completely serious and needs help so painting a black widow was the best way to get attention. Natasha Potts calls her an idiot and tells her to basically fuck off because even if she is still a good guy, it's too dangerous to hand over Bucky to have coffee. Well, that's not what she was asking but... Natasha Potts jumps off the rough and tells Maria to seek help. Well, bye.


Back in Russia, Pepper is asleep and wakes up in bed...naked...

Pepper: "Mm. Tony? I fell asleep."

She sits up and looks around to find Tony sitting on a couch in this giant basement lab. He's nothing but a blurry "Beginning to draw: People!" form sitting there on the sofa. It's kind of an atrocity to see this. He appears to be writing something in a notebook, if you squint hard you can see it.

Tony: "You were exhausted. I thought it was best to--to--uh...yeah. Gimme one second."

Ouch. That's just painful.

Pepper comes and stands behind Tony, why did he put her to bed naked? That's just weird and sort of creepy Tony. Kind of like in Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart rescues Kim Novak from San Francisco Bay and then puts her to bed naked in his apartment. Like, it was totally because you were soaked not because I wanted to oggle your goodies, strange lady. I mean, I guess Pepper and Tony know each other-- so he's writing something and Pepper's looking over his shoulder to see what he's doing.

Tony: "Just, ahh--I'm leaving myself notes. Y'know for later." Like in Memento? Nicely done.

Pepper: "You've kept the secrets of the whole world in your head, and now you're jotting them down on Post-Its? Sloppy."

Tony: "These are hardly secrets. More like... like 'here's how to use a screw driver.'"

This panel makes Tony look like a weird skeleton man and it's probably the worst art I've seen in this arc so far. Worse than Fat Mexican Tony, worse than Josh Holloway traced Tony, worse then even Brian Nagel Tony from a couple pages back. It's like suddenly, for this one panel all of the shape and structure from his face was drained away. Seriously, it's hideous and I don't even think it's Tony except that he's wearing welding goggles on his head.

Pepper: "Is it... is it really that bad? Will it really get that bad?"

Tony continues to look at Pepper but this is the same fucking panel as the one just above Pepper talking, where Tony's all ghost face on everyone... but without the word bubble. Seriously, Larroca? Too busy tracing to give us one extra panel of a different look! Exact. Same. Panel.

Tony Stark will have a meltdown in three, two, one...

Tony: "It's all happening now. Chunks of stuff just...go. I can't remember any of third grade." I can't either Tony, third grade was really not that important especially when you're a genius pushing another decade older (I'm guessing based on some more recent stuff, Tony's about 38 or 39). "I can't remember the names of any particular cars. They're all just...'cars'. I have thirty-three cars all over the world but I can't remember a single name of a single one but I know I have thirty-three. I feel like I'm losing my super-powers, Pepper. I didn't remember I made you that suit until you spoke."

Poor Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you weren't doing this to yourself. You chose to do this and so therefore, while your breakdown kind of hurts my soul a bit, ultimately you're the one to blame. But it's still sad, watching him fall apart. Yet... aslo delicious because I'm sick and morbid that way. Um.. for some reason Pepper looks more chesty when she's naked then she has be--wait! Doesn't she have an arc reactor in her chest? No trace of that right now, whatsoever. Bad, Larroca. Bad, editors for letting that little fuck up slip.

But, tangent aside, Tony's still having a break down:

Tony: "It's like... okay. It's like guys--guys in my line of work--the Iron Man line of work, I mean, not the Stark stuff--there's always guys "losing their powers". There's a ray, or a spell, or an accident... it's a thing that happens, okay? And I'd always think--me, just being the guy in the suit he made in a cave somewhere--I'd always think--Oh no! Now you're just a normal person and isn't that the worst thing in the world. You're just like the rest of us now. I'm just like everybody else now, Pepper. I'm just... normal. And I hate being normal. I'm sorry, I be that sounded really awful and mean and condescending."

Tony leans forward and he's really just spent. It's hard having emotions again, isn't it Tony? It's hard knowing that you've failed... wait, when did I become anti Tony? I'm a Tony fan... but I just... well, I saw this one coming. I really did. And now, I kind of do feel bad for him. He's losing his super-power indeed and he didn't really... do anything to deserve it besides become too powerful. He wasn't really abusing that power so he doesn't really deserve this... so yes, now it is kind of sad.

Pepper: "We're all kind of used to it by now. It's okay."

They lean in to kiss again, I vomit on the page and flip it fast because STOP IT!!! Tony pulls her away and cups her face in his hands. He's connected to his auto-lobotomy suicide machine while all this goes on, by the way. My favorite part is the Crimson Dynamo sitting upright on the side of the couch behind him like a giant body pillow or something.

Pepper: "Tony, while I can still say it--and while you can still understand it--while it still means something--thank you."

Tony: "Hey--"

Pepper breaks down into tears and the two of them are still sitting there together. He still has her face cupped in his hands and he starts to wipe away her tears as she continues to talk to him about what she needs to say. I actually, kind of choke up during this part and... just to prepare you now... I broke down into tears coming up here soon. You were warned.

Pepper: "No, Tony, you--in spite of everything else--everything else--the highs and lows and all the rest--thank you. Thank you. For everything you ever did for Rhodey, and me, and Happy..."

Tony: "Hey. It's okay. It's okay..."

They sit together on the couch with Tony's head sort of resting on Pepper's shoulder while he's plugged into the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. There's silence and then as they pull away like this is a movie and about to fade to black, Tony and Pepper just shadows through a window... Tony asks:

Tony: "Who's Happy?"

Give me a few minutes while I finish sobbing and then I'll continue on with the recap...

Madame Masque prowls the tundra after Tony, calling him stupid and asking if he did this for love, to no one but her , and ignores Osborn trying to get her attention via her earpiece. She leaves the earpiece in the snow and keeps walking.


Now that I'm composed, we're back in New York where Maria is chasing Natasha Potts up a water tower and Natasha Potts is not amused anymore. In fact, she's a little confused and perturbed. She looks back at Maria who's gaining on her and well, she's nothing but persistent.

Natasha: "You gotta be kidding me--never were one for giving up, were you? Give up now, Maria. I said no and I meant it."

Maria doesn't listen. She keeps pursuing, which you know is either good or bad for her, I have yet to decide. A bolt of something fires at Maria and she loses her grip. I think Natasha Potts was jumping back down at Maria but it's not really clear but at this point Maria then tackles Natasha Potts and they go sailing through the air.

Maria: "Dammit, Nat--this is serious!"

They tumble to the streets below. Maria lands flat on a scafolding of some kind and Natasha Potts on a van, while some old lady calls HAMMER to alert them to costumed Al Qaeda super-terrorists committing suicide on her roof. LOL! Maria starts to get up while NP looks sore and irked by the fall.

Maria: "Stuh--Stop running and--and help me, dammit!"

Natasha Potts chooses instead to run, again. Why not just stop and talk to her longer than just run away, I mean I know you think she's bat-shit (believe me I'm with you) but seriously? Hear the woman out. You've always been such a bitch Natasha...Potts.

Natasha: "Maria! Take a hint."

HAMMER flying squirrels. Seriously these guys are dressed in costumes with gliders and they look like green flying squirrels. That's... dumb. Whatever, moving on. They're after Maria because, well obviously. Apparently they're the rapid response squad.

Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I like to pick wildflowers. On Wednesday I go shopping and hang around in bars!

Tony Stark: Beefcake with Wood. Not that kind of... well I'm sure he's got that kind. Instead, he's chopping wood in the wilderness of the tundra with a stupid flap hat and he's only missing the flannel. I don't know if I'm disturbed or turned on but I'm definitely amused. Poor Tony, you don't have people to get your fire wood for you anymore.

Narration: It wouldn't be the worst of lives, would it? Chopping wood. Mowing lawns. Paying bills. Catching colds. Just... being. These are the thoughts Tony thinks. This is the first he's ever thought a normal life could or would be anything but torture.

Tony takes the pile of wood back to the underground lab where... oh snap, someone's broken in. Well, done Tony. You've lead a bad guy right up into your shit. He goes inside calling Pepper's name as he goes, leaving the wood behind and losing his hat somewhere along the way. Inside, he finds Madame Masque with Pepper hooked up to... is that a car battery and some jumper cables? (BUT I'M NOT COVERED IN MOTOR OIL!) Oh look, she's go her arc reactor back... weird. Maybe it's removable... oh wait, IT KEEPS HER ALIVE!

Anyway, Whitney has Pepper's arc reactor hooked up to the jumper cables.

Whitney: "Tony. Hiiiiii baby. Don't you think it's time to stop this ridiculous charade?" You are not sexy.


Maria keeps chasing Natasha Potts. Okay, over it. Just... one of you needs to stop being an annoying butthead for five seconds. Seriously, a conversation would help instead of... never mind. I forgot I was reading Marvel Comics for a minute. Rational talk is non-existent or we'd have avoided the whole Civil War .

Maria: "Not gonna stop, Nat--I'm not giving--up."

Natasha Potts can apparently fly and bounds up the walls Spider-Man style toward another roof, leaving Maria to watch her go and become ambushed by the SHAMMER flunkies. (Get it, SHAMMER, because they're a sham? Ha! I crack me up). They inform Maria she is under arrest and Maria looks back up at Natasha Potts for help. This is some srs bsns.

Maria: "Shoot the bag! Don't waste anymore time just shoot the damn bag! I know you can still hear me just SHOOT IT!"

Natasha Potts peers down at her like "fucking what?" because she's still confused and convinced Maria is talking crazy talk.

SHAMMER Flunky: "Calm down, ma'am."

Maria: "Shoot the damn bag! Destroy it before they--"

SHAMMER Flunky 2: "Sir, look--! Up there--the other one--"

Natasha: "--Dammit--"

She shoots rope from her wrist brace, and lassos a very perplexed Maria before hauling her up to the roof with her bag o' tricks. Maria is clearly confused by Natasha Potts and her sudden change of heart, but she's not going to let it distract her from her task yet.

Maria: "I didn't--didn't think you trusted--"

Natasha Potts grabs her hand and they head off running, adding her two cents.

Natasha: "You clearly have an awful lot invested in that bag of yours. And you might be nuts but what can I say--you're my kind of crazy."

Maria/Natasha fics, start.... NOW!



Back in Russia, our lumberjack hero and his crazy masked ex-girlfriend...

Tony: "Whitney. Take it easy."

Whitney has Pepper tied up and jumper cabled and Pepper looks a bit annoyed and sort of Asian now in this panel. Or like the oldest kid in A Series of Unfortunate Events. But with red hair. And an arc reactor in her chest. Details.

Whitney: "I assure you, Tony--I'm not the one you need to worry about right now. I read your notes, darling. This one blacked out pretty early so I had some time. Memory decay, congnitive decay... you're losing your mind somehow, aren't you, Tony? Do you remember me, I wonder?"

Tony: How could I forget your crazy ass? "Whitney Frost. Madame Masque. Of course I remember you. Please--let Pepper go. I'll do anything you ask, just--I couldn't live with myself if I got her hurt. Please let her go."

Pepper comes to at this point. Apparently she was unconscious but that was hard to tell from the last panel because well, if I was tied up, I'd hang my head too, and the panel before she looked Asian not blacked out. Whitney electrocutes her because well, she's torturing her. And she's a bitch.

Whitney: "No. I'm going to torture her to death. I'm going to torture her to death and make you watch for what you did to me." Not only are you redundant, you're also redundant.

Pepper: "Oh--God--Oh--god--"

Tony's freaking out because well, he doesn't want to watch this shit. And who does?

Whitney: "I'll make it look like an accident somehow, I don't know. Resisting... well, not resisting arrest but something. Osborn will buy it. He'll be relieved really."

Tony's watching as Whitney holds an open and active wire toward Pepper's head. Pepper is hovering on the edge of consciousness and looking at Tony.

Whitney: "And I know I'll feel better. Always awkward having to run into one's exes, don't you think?"

Tony drops to his knees because now he's going to resort to the manly and hero-like act of begging. Well, when all else fails, why not beg. I guess. But then again, he doesn't have many other options.

Tony: "Please. Whitney, please. If I meant anything to you--if our time together meant anything to you, Whitney, anything at all--and I know I hurt you and I know I was awful to you--please. Let her go. Take me instead."

Whitney kicks Tony down onto his back and places her foot down in the center of his chest, staring down at him rather unimpressed and unmoved by his begging. I'm kind of with her on this one. That was sort of cliché and pathetic, Tony.

Whitney: "Shut up. Seeing you snivel and beg doesn't exactly get a girl's motor revved up. "If our time together meant anything to you." Listen to yourself. You sound like a joke. You sound like the kind of banal cretins we used to mock as the sun came up on the azores and the champagne finally ran out." She bends over and straddles him, leaning in so they're only inches apart, face to face. Tony's like... oh crap. "Can you lie anymore? Does that withering bit of magnificence that used to be your mind retain that ability?"

She sits up and starts to untie her mask. Pepper looks confused and almost pretty for the first time in this entire arc, even with blood all over her face. And the look on Tony's as he sits below Whitney, now without her mask, he actually looks okay too. Maybe Larroca had someone else do this for him...or he traced something better.

Whitney: "I doubt you can. I dolt myself you never loved me. That you used me and I let myself be used by you. That you never thought I was beautiful. Tell you what, Tony my love, now you can prove me right. Look me in the eye--look at my true face--tell me what you see, Tony. For once in your life, tell me what you really see when you look at me. Tell me what you really think, prove to me you weren't just using me. And the truth will set you--or your dear Ms. Potts--free..."


Oh, snap. Well played, MM. Well played.


Continued next month in Invincible Iron Man #16