Invincible Iron Man Issue #12

When last we saw Tony's Most Extreme Bad Ideas Ever: Caught on tape: Pepper started testing out the Iron Potts, Tony dropped off some guilt money and said good-bye to Henry Hellrung, Henry called in Rhodey, Rhodey and Tony had a battle royale that sent Tony descending into the depths of the deep blue sea and Obsorn called in Namor.

Invincible Iron Man #12

First of all, I have to say something about the ridiculous cover in which we see Namor and Iron Man battling it out under water. Namor has his hands around Iron Man's throat and my initial thought was: Namor, you silly pants, you can't choke Iron Man because he is made of iron (I know, it's not really iron, but let me have this). Then again, this is Namor we're talking about so he probably thinks it's kinky... and he's probably into snuff films and thinking about fucking and beating Tony for the porn black market. Silly Namor, Bob Crane was into snuff films and look how his life ended? With a tripod to the head. And Hogan was no longer any one's hero.

Cascade Mountains, Washington:

Did you ever see the show Home Movies? It's a cartoon by the same people who did Dr. Katts... it's drawn in squiggles like a child did it? Yeah... welcome to issue 12. For crying out loud. The art makes me cry. And that's not even the worst part...

So there's an earthquake in Washington and Iron Potts is on the scene thanks to the help of JARVIS. She saves a school full of music kids (which might be a statement on the fate of the arts in education these days but who am I to put politics in here) from well, falling off a cliff. It's kind of cool for the view I guess, but who in their right mind puts a school on a cliff in a state with fault lines? Wait... someone who hates children just like I do... never mind.

IMPORTANT Narration, from Pepper: JARVIS tells me this suit--the 1616--has been created for heavy rescue and recovery. We were working on subsonic speed-burst takeoff and landing drills up and down the coast when the first temor hit. Dumb luck I saw the school. A hybrid of repulsor technology and portable electromagnetic super-field generators gives the suit flight, speed, strength, magnetic field manipulation--all kinds of tricks. There's not a single weapon anywhere on this suit. Everything is defensive, protective. There's not even a degree of heat generated by the thrust. I kind of love it.

See that naysayers? Tony keeps his fucking promises and did not make Pepper a weapon!!

Iron Potts is back on the scene, off to save something at a hospital that JARVIS alerts her to. The families are happy and waving at her, she waves back and there's a moment in time where everyone remembers when people liked Tony's technology and Iron Men. D'aww... how could we possibly ruin this moment?

Undisclosed HAMMER Facility:

With Norman Osborn of course. He wants their feed to follow Iron Potts. I will give Larroca this. Osborn's hair has always looked ridiculous in his existence but Larroca actually makes it look kind of normal. Now, that being said, I don't buy this comic for Obsorn's hair so...

He wants all eyes in the sky on the Iron Potts and asks if it is in fact Potts. Ms. Unfortunate Name Hand is pretty sure it is. Well fucking duh! Who else would Tony give a FEMALE suit too? His mother?! God dammit, when did Osborn get so fucking clueless?

He asks where she is and she's leaving Washington's airspace in the suit and he wants to know what kind of heat she's packing. Which is nada enchilada according to the HAMMER lackey he's speaking at. The guy insists she's got no weapons, after Osborn calls him stupid by telling him "Don't be stupid." Well, what a thing to say. She's got nothing, no lenses, no offensive targeting, the power flow through the suit is-- he's cut off by Osborn asking what air she's near. Vicky "Hand of Justice" Hand tells him no HAMMER units are there but he wants to know about commercial airspace. There's a flight from Seattle to LA.

Well, Osborn does what every logical minded villain does in this sitch: Make up intelligence of a Skrull sleeper agent onboard and shoot down the plane... just to see what Iron Potts can do.

Fantastic.

Pepper sees the crashing plane and knows that she needs to save this. JARVIS says she can. Pepper, does not agree.

The Red Sea: Stark Deep Sea Laboratory #26:

Under water the fish don't stink! And there are sharks!

Narration:Tony Stark gets to work.

The following is inner monologue as Tony works on old Iron Man, the model I'm too lazy to look up the name for but it's the Under Sea suit. He's hooked up to another Auto-lobotomy suicide machine! Joy of joys! Some time has clearly passed, maybe a month or so because Tony's hair is growing back... but not his facial hair because he's apparently had time to shave that... now if he was really of the stock they claim him to be, he could sneeze and have facial hair... whatever Larroca.

Tony's inner monologue: "It doesn't sound like anything down here. Just the circulation of air in and out. You could suffocate in silence down this deep. Don't think about the endless tons of pressure crushing down on all sides of you. Don't think about suffocating. Don't think about anything but what's in front of you. How long can I keep doing this? How many facilities can I run to (a lot, really)? How many suits can I repurpose by hand (a bunch, until I lose the smarts to do it). Scrapping with war Machine was a wake-up call. This old tech, no matter how good it was-- Well technology marches on. Especially the high-end technology of ultramodern destruction. So for now--it's run form A to B and... and... and.. gah. Thought's gone. It's all going 2001, isn't it? Dave, my mind is going I can feel it. Hell, I even think I hear thunder out--dammit."

Tony yanks out the auto-lobotomy connection and well... this moment makes me sad. He knows he's losing it, he's starting to feel less of himself and even with the dated reference to Space Odyssey, it just... it's thankfully a part of the storyline that wasn't oops retconned. I'm glad the seeds are being planted and he said that Tony would start to suffer the effects and he really is, not just all of a sudden a last minute save before any real damage occurs.

Tony's getting the armor on because it's time to move on soon. He needs to get his shit together and go to the next delete my brain new armor location.

Inner monologue: "Can't believe--can't believe I had to lug this damn suit around--thunder getting louder.

Tony: "C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon--"

Namor busts through the wall of the facility...

Namor: "Stark."

Tony narration:Namor

Austin, Texas-- Futurepharm:

Narration: This place is filled with the damned and the doomed. These are their names: Emilia Ortiz. Missing 19 days. Pilar De La Paz. Missing 147 days. Thaddeus Pascoe. Missing 88 days. Maria Hill. On the job.

We have a panel of The Controller who still looks nothing like The Controller, sitting in his octopus throne chair... that reminds me a bit of Tony's auto-lobotomy suicide machine. Weird, how they're like... doing the same thing with opposite purposes. Anyway, all the tanks are there and we see panels of each other people mentioned and how these are the people feeding The Controller. Pan to Maria.

Maria Narration: Son of a-- Focus Hill, think. How can you shut--Hm. Follow the power. Shut it off at the source. Stay fast, stay quiet. Stay out of sight. And don't get caught.

As she says this, she of course passes some sensor thing that will, in fact, catch her. The Controller comes to and looks up.

Controller: "Your Controller... senses... Ah. An intruder. Of course." Controller senses? What is he fucking Spider-Man now? "Go, you horrid stinking puppets. Find out who disturbs my feeding and assimilate them into the generator. I don't have all day."

Of course, now the naked people come out of their tanks as he says this. Maria is fucked.

Back to Iron Potts and the crashing plane. The sounds like the name of a children's book or a Panic at the Disco song.

JARVIS: "Impact imminent."

LOL JARVIS is awesome.

Pepper: "Thanks, JARVIS."

JARVIS: "Velocity and mass calculated impact compensation activated. Repulsor power diverting to field generators."

Pepper: "And now?"

JARVIS: "Now you catch it, Ms. Potts."

Pepper narration: Times like this I always ask myself--what would Tony do?

I'm getting little rubber bracelets made as was speak: WWTD? I'm making it happen. If you'd like your very own WWTD? Bracelet please send 5.95 plus shipping and handling to...

Pepper: "...He'd catch the damn plane, Potts."

JARVIS: "Excuse me, ma'am?"

Pepper: "Get ready."

Iron Potts stretches out her arms, braces herself and with a huffing sound she extends a force field and catches the plane in it, suspending it in the air.

Pepper: "JARVIS--"

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts."

Pepper: "JARVIS--"

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts, you're doing it--you've caught a crashing plane!"

Damn right she did, because she is fucking amazing.

Meanwhile, in the Red Sea where we're back to dealing with the annoyance that is Namor. Namor has never been interesting to me because he acts firsts and thinks later and I suppose I've always preferred people who think first and act later, as a general rule. That and he's far too cocky, and I'm not referring to the Speedo, and the chip on his shoulder tends to blur the line between powerful and whiny bitch.

Namor and his lackey followers bust in with a rush of water behind them, which at least makes sense because I can think of some lesser people who would ignore that fact coughbendiscough and just have him bust in like it was land.

Namor: "Surrender. NOW."

Tony: "Shut up."

...really? That's how you've started off their exchange? But whatever because Tony fires at the lackeys with his palm repulsors and they're just like, "Ow stop that" and they don't seem to really do much.

Namor: "Running will only make it worse, Tony."

But Tony runs because it's what is his best option at this point, blasting off toward another part of the facility now that he's bought some time.

Tony inner monologue: "This is bad. This is really bad."

Namor takes a trident from one of his lackeys and throws it at Iron Man. It just barely misses him and Tony has apparently kept running because Namor says that he can't go far and sends his lackeys after Iron Man again. One of these panels is drawn so that it looks like Tony is missing half of his left leg for some reason, which we know is not the case. Tony gets into a corridor and needs to get up and keep moving, he tells himself, as the the lackeys say he has to halt because Namor commands it.

Tony: "Yeah. He does that an awful lot, doesn't he?"

He proceeds to fire little missiles from his back at the lackeys, mentioning that old school suits mean old school weapons and that he has to think old school in order to fight using this technology. Tony realizes that's not as easy as it used to be. Poor Tony, that's what happens when you delete your brain. He rationalizes that there is no time to beat them, he just has to get away from them. It's a new world for Tony with new game plans, now he has to just escape and evade to live to fight another--

Namor: "Stark. Don't be stupid."

Tony says exactly what I've been thinking.

Tony: "Oh Namor, it's way too late for that."

At least he knows now that his idea has not been the best he's ever had. But then again, it took him sometime to make that realization. So as he and Namor stand there, face to face, ready to go one on one, he now tells us that he knows that his delete brain doomsday plan was stupid. Well, good. First step is admitting...

Tony: "And why stop there?"

Iron Man blasts repulsor shots from his palms and chest at Namor. Namor blocks it with his chest... I guess. Whatever, it's kind of funny though to watch pieces of his vest falling off behind him...

Namor: "How dare you--"

Namor sends shots at Tony from his fist... I'll confess that I know nothing about Namor's powers so whether or not this is accurate or even makes sense is lost on me.

Namor: "IMPERIUS REX!"

Tony hits a glass window and cracks it, it starts spitting water into the facility from the cracks.

Tony's inner monologue: "Concussion--at best this is a concussion. And at worst--"

Voice, probably some sort of alarm system alerts to a hull breach of the level 2 variety which I imagine is not very good. But since I know nothing about deep sea exploration save a few things I learned in marine biology about the sea cucumber and how it has to poop to move and the Orca being the sea's resident asshole... none of which have any information that helps us here.

Namor: "You'll be crushed like a grape down here, Stark. Dead and forgotten in deep, dark water."

Namor, you're such a dick. People won't forget Tony just because he dies in the bottom of the deep sea. You on the other hand... if you died, I don't think anyone would really notice outside of the Atlantians. And maybe the Richards' because the wouldn't have to put up with your annoying fish smelling ass hitting on Sue anymore. Fuck you Namor.


Back in Texas, where there are zombies...

Narration: They used to be people. These used to be the missing, the lost, and the forgotten. Now they're just the controlled. Now they're just tools of The Controller. The world's been carved up by very bad people. This little piece of it went to him. He takes people, bends their wills to his own and when they're no longer of use to him he simply feeds on them. On their energy. This isn't a throne room--it's a kitchen in a charnel house. And there's fresh meat to be had.

Maria is backed into the wall by the group of zombie controlled drone people that she yells at because she was here to save them and now they're going to make her food for their evil boss man. Which sucks, because as I said, Maria was starting to grow on me and now well... she has her fate sealed. But, it also proves my previous point that... she suffered the hand of fate dealt to her when she accepted the hot beef injection of Anthony Edward Stark.

She's at least going to make it to issue fourteen, if the solicits are any indication... but for now she's been dragged right into the hands of The Controller.

Narration: They move as one. Think as one. They think as he thinks. And he thinks only of her, of Hill, becoming one of his army. The little disc at the back of her neck will see to that. And just like that, Maria Hill's mission comes to an end.

He plants a disc on the back of her neck, as they implied and the last we see of Hill in this issue, is her eyes rolled back in her head, her mouth slack... possibly slightly brain dead. Tony's future.

Iron Potts is working on landing the plane. Which she does, with JARVIS encouraging her that Stark couldn't have done it any better. Which made me LOL because I think JARVIS and I are going to fall in love by the end of this arc. Pepper narrates about how no one dies, this really isn't super important information so I'm going to just give you the cliff notes version.

No one dies, and she's talking to the police about how she did it, makes a comment about how she's glad she has the armor so they don't see her shaking. She walks the officials through, offering up the recorded data of the incident and doesn't notice when the press shows up. Nor does she notice HAMMER showing up behind her either until the cops started to back up.

The HAMMER officials arrest her, but thankfully she goes willingly because she has no weapons to fight them back with.

Pepper narration: Hi, mom


Iron Man is still fighting Namor, and losing. Namor is essentially beating the suit to death until the hull opens so that Tony will die under the pressurization. That's sort of a cheap blow, Namor. Just drown him? You've tried to do this before back in the Illuminati and you know what, until you learn to fight fair and stop relying on the fact that you're under water or you can breathe under water, I won't respect you. Iron Man uses the last of his repulsor power on Namor and Tony decides to stop fighting and start running to live to fight another day.

Tony decides to distract Namor by polluting his ocean and screwing with his head, so he sets the facility to blow.

Namor: "Stark--"

Tony: "Namor. Shut. UP!"

Tony apparently strangles Namor under the polluted water that, I'm just guessing because of the bad art, has some kind of oil in it so he blacks out for a bit so that Tony can escape. I assume this because of the inky feel to it and Namor being left in a black puddle when Tony leaves in the underwater armor.

Tony inner monologue: "I could never beat you, Namor. But I could always out think you. Imperius Rex indeed. I've got a deep sea suit prepped and ready. The explosions buy more time. not much, but enough. Enough so I can keep running... at least until tomorrow."


Osborn talks to Namor.

Osborn: "Annnnd then what happened?"

Namor: "What do you think happened? He got away."

Namor is not pleased.

Osborn: "Hm. Well...don't worry about it, guy. You did your best for me and that's all I can ask. See? This is how it works. You gave Stark a drubbing he wouldn't have gotten otherwise, and so what if you didn't stop him there are lots more fish in the sea. Pardon the pun. Osborn out."

He turns to face the silhouettes of people waiting for him in his office.

Osborn: "Well? Now it's on you and your crew."

Why, it's the hood. And Whitney Frost. Whitney does not look like she wants to be there, but then again she's got the emotive free mask so who knows. She just seems to be looking down. You know, I think if she finds Stark she'll just try to get with him again, even if he is half special Olympics. The Nuttier the Sluttier.

Hood: "Yeah? So? Oz, I'm speaking on behalf of a couple dozen of the biggest super-powered dirtbags in the universe-- what's in it for us?"

Osborn: "You're my kind of dirtbag, Robbins. Boys."

Some HAMMER flunkies bring in a bunch of gold bars. Well, that appears to be what's in it for them. Well done, Osborn. It's the smartest thing you've done this arc.

Osborn: "That's a billion euros in gold. Call it a bounty. Get the word out to all of your people, especially the ones with history with Tony Stark, the ones with grudges. First one of your guys that puts Tony Stark's head on this desk gets the gold and the thanks of a grateful nation."

Hood and Whitney each stare at a bar of gold like they've never seen one before. That's... weird.

And this concludes the most ridiculous filler issue ever. I feel like this was just here because they needed to show off Osborn's powers with the Dark Cabal by asking a favor from Namor. I really feel like nothing, other than the Potts arrest and the Maria getting nailed was important. Well, now we've got more villains that are going to be popping up. We'll see... but this issue... worthless.

Supposedly the next issue is big with a downer ending. So I hope it lives up to the promise.

See you next month.

Continued in Invincible Iron Man #13