Invincible Iron Man Issue #13

Last time on The Ultimate Limbo Competition Starring Tony Stark: How Low Can He Go (we're about to find out)? Tony was deleting his brain and battled Namor or something. Osborn caught Iron Potts and called in Hood and Madam Masque to get rid of Tony. Maria was zombified by The Controller in Texas and everyone lived happily ever--wait.

Invincible Iron Man #13 (I just realized today that these issues have titles, no joke): Some King of the World

Side note for anyone who's playing the home game, previous issues titles are: #8: Shipbreaking, #9: Godspeed, #10: Tony and Maria Do the No Pants Dance, just kidding it's No Future, #11: Breach, #12: High-End Technology of Ultramodern Destruction...

Back to #13: Some King of the World

We open our tale on a beach with an orby thing, a bit silvery and reflecting the light as the waves surround it. It's surrounded by HAMMER officials, a tiny little row boat, some Green Berets and two guys that look like they'd rather be anywhere else. Me too. One of the Green Berets marks the spot and orb with a flag, CLAIMING THiS LAND FOR FRANCE (because no flag, no country). Not really, but apparently this is a "helmet" and it indicates that they have "found him". This looks nothing like any Iron Man helmet I have ever seen. It looks like a ball. A silver ball. Whatever, Larroca.

Bayeux, France

A crowded market place filled with people of all ages. Tony Stark is there as well, in his best Maria Hill costume. Seriously, every time I see Tony in this exact same ensemble Maria wore to Texas, I think it's Maria. I go... say what? How did you get to... and then narration reminds me it's Tony. I know it's Tony, A) because it's talking about technology and 2) because his boxes are yellowish white and Maria's are blue.

Narration: Tech Fairs like this pop up all over. Flea Markets for supernerds heavily into scratch-building machines and hacking whatever they've got. My kind of people, in other words.

Remember back in the day when I used to be smart y'all? Either way, I totally imagine Tony hitting up these kinds of places as a college student to just build some stuff when he felt like it, in his free time, you know... between giving up secrets to Sunset Bain and class and being a constant disappointment to Howard.

Tony digs around through some hardware that looks like circuit boards but with Larroca's art it's hard to tell because they're green blurry squares. The big sign above him says "Transistors" so maybe that's what they are. I have no real way of knowing. Tony as Maria is so far going unnoticed in these crowded streets. That isn't going to last long, we know this because well... he's Tony.

Narration: My kind of shopping. The Iron Man is getting more complicated to pilot. I need to downgrade it back into something more... consumer grade... Sucks to lose your biggest asset, eh Tones? It's not just planning for today. This is about tomorrow and whatever comes after. Keeping the suits usable the further--(the farther?) The more my intellect degrades.

The panel shows a nerdy looking dude with glasses that haven't been in style since 1970 and even then it was pushing it, talking on a cellphone and looking well... nerd devious. You know how nerds look when they're trying to be badass, completely with a Poindexter giggle? That's what you can imagine here and be dead on.

Narration: My hearing aid picks up a suspicious cellular burst. Yep. Hearing aid. There is some debate as to whether or not this is to amplify sound, or if Tony is in fact going deaf. I'm inclined to think the latter as we're slowly seeing the decline of Stark's brain, but it wouldn't be a surprise to me if things like hearing and eyesight are starting to weaken.

Nerdy guy is hunched over, Tony's looking over his shoulder at him. Nerdy guy is selling Tony out.

Word's gone out t places like this--to people like this--to be on the lookout for me. There's always some geek that'll sell you out for an upgrade they can't get or make otherwise. Ten gets you twenty this toad sold me out for an iphone.

Tony grabs the geek from behind, pulls him by the front of the shirt, face to face and yanks the phone from his hand. Tony looks pissed and well, that's what you get when you fuck with a superhero. Some people might think this is bad form for a hero, but then again when has Tony ever been the kind of clean cut do-gooder? Never. And to be fair, Tony is now public enemy number one after how many years of laying his life on the line to keep assholes like this turd safe? That's right. Tony is well within his rights here, especially because iphones are so not that pricey now.

Tony: "Great Job."

Nerd Guy: "Mr. Stark. I'm a big fan of your--oh."

Tony tosses the phone behind him, and then he drops the Nerd Guy like a hot potato, and beats bricks out of dodge.

I run.


Austin, Texas, Futurepharm!

The Controller: "Give yourself to me. Give yourself to The Controller."

This is sort of a replay of the last issue. Maria mutters jibberish as The Controller fits one of his discs into her neck and zombifies her. I actually think Zombie Maria is kind of hot. Maria grabs at the disc and guess what time it is kids? Flashback time. In back and white!

Little girl Maria is actually really cute. Like, even drawn in Larroca art. She's sniffly and has long hair and pierced ears.

Maria's Dad: "Dammit, Maria! You're useless. Do What I say, when I say it!"

Maria's dad looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The live in kind of a shitty house and I think he might eat her if I go by his stance alone. Maybe he should go get that Shake out of his pool.

Present panel, in technicolor:

The Controller: "Control--"

Flashback panels:

Principal: "Maria Hill, you are expelled--"

Marine Drill Sergeant: "Hill, you are useless! You will never make it in this man's Marine Corps! When will you learn how to follow orders--?"

Shaved head Maria in her marine uniform I suppose? I can't really tell.

Nick Fury: "This is SHIELD, missy, not your nancy-pants little Marines--and you'll stay alive and the world will stay safe as long as you do exactly what I say."

Maria in her SHIELD uniform, saluting.

Tony Stark, in his Extremis underarmor: "Dammit, Hill, you're an amateur--"

That dude who took pictures of her leaving, whose name isn't important enough to remember: "Bye-bye, Sweet-cheeks."

Present time:

Maria is like, oh fuck this. Maria Hill does not like being controlled by men, but now I kind of understand why she's such a bitch. it can't be easy being told you're worthless non-stop and as a woman i can understand how much more it stings when it comes from a bunch of dicks.

Controller: She resists! Stop her!


Avengers Tower--Midtown Manhattan:

Flying machine!

HAMMER Flunkies with guns trained. They tell Iron Potts not to move and she says don't worry. Pepper is a smart cookie and she's going to cooperate so she doesn't get shot to death while chained to the inside of this Iron suit.

Osborn, is shiny because he forgot to use his Proactive Solution today. Maybe he's actually pissy because he's suffering from some serious breakouts. Don't worry, Osborn, a little bit of blush and some Bare Minerals and you'll be looking perky.

Osborn: "Miss Potts. Thanks for agreeing to come talk to us today. To reiterate you are not under arrest. We just have a couple of quick questions and we'll have you home in time for... well, by tomorrow, at least."

Pepper is being held in some high tech prison cell, chains around her neck and gauntlets but they've removed her helmet.

Pepper: "Good to know I'm under no legal obligations, then. I mean--I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure you're violating my fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth-amendment rights."

Obsorn and Ms. Hand of Justice are standing there looking in on poor Pepper behind the big steel and glass door that they've got her locked behind. I mean really, does she deserve this? Tony I'd understand because Tony might punch Osborn in the nuts but Pepper? Really? Bad form but... also, nice to see Osborn starting to... be a villain.

Hand of Justice: We have lawyers, we've spoken to lawyers. He's not.

Osborn: See? We're not. We're just asking a few questions.

Pepper: Ah. You'll forgive me if for not immediately recognizing how informal all this is then.

Osborn: "You might find this terribly amusing but I'd like to remind you that you're inside a four-billion-dollar warsuit with unheard of destructive capabilities."

Pepper tells him they both know that isn't true, the suit is for search and rescue only. Of course, Osborn tries to be sneaky and convince her to get out and let him have a look at it. She says JARVIS has gone off line and she thinks she's stuck. Osborn is not pleased, like Limecat but without a lime on his head . Not that I think Osborn is a cat. I think he's a pussy. Oh snap! Osborn says that they want Stark and if they don't find him they'll start with cruel and unusual and go from there.

It is here that Osborn starts to actually well... be Osborn. About damn time. Give me a reason to fear you, or at least be ruthless. He proceeds to press Pepper's last buttons and threaten her friends and her family. Pepper finally loses her cool on him, after being cooperative the entire time.

Pepper: "I absolutely believe you're just the kind of monster that would, too. So listen very carefully I'm going to tell you everything I know about the last time I saw Tony Stark." Pepper smirks and looks rather pleased with herself. "He put me in charge of his company then he kicked me out. That's it. That's all. I begged him to turn himself in. But now I wish I had encouraged him to run away because anything else would be cowardice."

Pwn.


Back in France,

It's not looking good, no. Is that Shockwave? I think that's Shockwave.

Tony continues to run his ass off through the fair, running away from something shooting through the air, which is, well I'm sure you've guessed by now, Shockwave! No fucking way?! Useless lame rogue number two? If you count The Controller as one.

If that was my suit--and there's no way Shockwave's suit is as good as my suit--I'd have a lock on me by nw but since his isn't mine...

Shockwave: "You're a dead man, Tony Stark! You hear me? You're DEAD!"

...He'll talk a lot of crap and keep having to chase me.

Tony outruns Shockwave for a minute and then takes off from a roof with boosters in his tennis shoes. Why? BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING IRON MAN THAT'S WHY! And I feel no reason to defend this anymore than that.

Shockwave: "Dammit, Stark--!"

This guy's a hack.

Tony lands on the roof, rather... well face first. Shockwave follows and blasts at Tony causing him to fall through the roof into the old lady's apartment. Tony lands with roof on top of him and Shockwave follows to seal the deal. Tony appears to be only about half conscious right now.

Shockwave: "Alive or not, I don't care--I get my ransom either way! Your call, Stark. Entirely your call."

Tony has a big bloody spot on his back and looks pretty much bested, but let's not be fooled here because Tony isn't that easy to take down. He's always got something up his sleeve and in this case I mean this literally.

Tony: "God. Oh god."

Shockwave steps on Tony's back, where the blood is. Nice form.

Shockwave: "There. Down. Some king of the world you are, eh?" I think that this line is familiar, see title of issue. "Some great man. Some great leader."

Tony: "Please. Please--"

Shockwave: "Ooh, "please", he says. Like the sound of that. How does it feel, big man, to find yourself brought so low? Especially by the likes of me? Tell you what, Stark--Beg me for mercy. If you beg me, just once, I promise it won't hurt. Just say "please" again. I want to record it. Turn it into my ringtone."

Tony flipped over onto his back during his begging. There's a glow under shockwave's foot from, could it be, an arc reactor? And he has repulsors connected to his hand. Oh Stark, you're wearing the weapons system of the Iron Man under your clothes. You sneaky bastard. He electrocutes Shockwave with repulsor shocks through the leg and it's Tony Stark, For the Win.

The old lady is like "..." and here comes my favorite part of the issue.

Tony: "Je suis desole--j'ai detruit votre appartement, grand-mere."

If you don't speak french, I assure you... that was hilarious! I'm kidding, what he said is: "I'm sorry I destroyed your apartment, grandmother."

Stop being cute, Tony. Keep running.


Austin, Texas--Futurepharm (like where else would we be at this point?)

Maria has had it with this bullshit. She rips out The Controller's disc and she crushes it, tossing it aside and looking like she is going to fuck up some shit. She says how dare you before he commands the minions to destroy her because he can't let her escape alive, because well that would end his little game pretty damn quick if Maria gets the authorities. Maria does something surprisingly... human of her. See, she does have a soul... now.

Maria's narration (blue boxes): Remember Hill. These are still people. These are still--they're still real people underneath those control discs.

The Controller: "I'll do it myself, you cretins--come to your new master--"

Maria: "Like hell."

Control, power. The whole place is about power. So let's start unplugging stuff--and just see what happens.

Maria finally shows off that SHIELD training and grabs hold of some of the wires and escapes the room Tarzan style. But I'm glad she did. It also starts to deactivate the control discs and the people start coming to their senses. Things start to explode. It is not a good day to be The Controller. But then again, it never is a good day to be The Controller because as bad guys go, he's pretty easily defeated like... every time.

This'll buy me a little time. Good enough. Now keep running, Hill.

Hey... I see what you did there, Fraction. You did that synching it up thing again. Tony and Maria are both going to keep running. D'aw man you're good at this!


Meanwhile, Hand of Justice takes notes while Osborn watches HAMMER flunkies frisk Iron Potts. That's... odd. She's answered all his questions, she's played along nicely and done everything she could. Let them look over every single piece of her equipment so they see it's been registered and accounted for all nice and legal like. She wants to know what else they're looking for. Osborn dismisses this by saying Stark thought of everything and there's a mention of my beloved The Order from when Pepper was at the helm, she's a legal registered hero. Well duh, Tony was registration's poster-boy, you moron! But aye, there's the rub:

Osborn: "We've got a batch of Stark's old toys. And Oscorp has been working overtime to make the damn things usable but--well, there are certain components to the puzzle we're just flat-out missing. The repulsor tech generator that powers the thing, first and foremost. We can replicate a lot of things but Tony Stark's genius isn't one of them."

To his credit, I bet that was hard for Osborn to admit, that's he's a lesser man than Tony Stark when it comes to brains. Oh well, suck it up Buttercup. Tony will always be smarter than you and the only person smarter than Tony is... RIIIIIICHAAAAAARDS!

Pepper touches the arc reactor in her chest and suddenly I'm flashing back to this movie from like last summer where Robert Downey Jr and Jeff Bridges we're talking about the same--hey wait a minute! This is almost the exact same scene!

Osborn: "Let me make you a deal. Let us take a look at that thing. Let us take it out for you and take it apart. You're under no legal obligation to do so but... that level of voluntary cooperation will go a long way toward coloring your character in the proper shade, Ms. Potts."

Pepper: "No."

Obsorn: "Of course. Well then. Let me tell you how it's gonna be. You don't leave the lower Forty-Eight. You don't fly any higher than 4,500 meters. You don't fly any faster than 200 klicks an hour. You don't interfere with any law enforcement, fire or rescue efforts anywhere. The first chance I have to arrest you--the first time you jaywalk, the first parking ticket you don't pay--I'll have you behind bars and I'll pry that repulsor unit out of your chest myself with a screwdriver."

Hand of Justice interrupts Osborn's epic moment of POWER POWER POWER I HAZ IT! to let him know that something has happened in Texas. He's like, fine whatever get Pepper the fuck out of my tower and if she flies off the roof shoot her the hell down. What a loser.

How much you wanna bet the "something" that happened in Texas is Maria?

Speaking of Maria! Holy crap, it's like I've read this before! We're back to Texas, but at least this time we didn't need a header to point out the obvious.

I'm all alone. My neck is bleeding. This sucks. All I need is one... just one stupid terminal I can use to--to find a needle in a pile of needles. Tony hid a hard drive in a company full of the damn things. Well yeah, that's the best place to hide it, because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! And this little thing should sniff the right one out. So it does it's thing, I grab the drive... then I can go find somewhere quiet to die for a little while.

While this narration occurs, several panels show us Maria hiding in a room. She gets into an office, plugs in the little zip drive that Tony gave her and she sits down looking over information on the computer. Maria apparently finds what she needs because she starts to move again, leaving the computer behind and zombie people in the background are starting to gain on her. She breaks a window with a chair.

The drones are fighting to keep all the sheep in the pen, and they're losing. Fine, it gives me cover. Close. So close now. My eyes are crossing so I have to reread it a dozen times to make sure. And there it is. Tony's "Drive X." The most valuable thing in the world to him. Probably because it's going to contain what he needs to keep himself from dying of brain delete.

Maria finds the drive and grabs it. Then she's back to the pick up she arrived in to get the hell out of there. I'm glad Maria saved herself, as I've already said, because it does more justice to the kind of character they were trying to make her become. I think her character is achieved now, knowing that she doesn't need someone to come in and rescue her ass. Especially because well, Tony is going to need that too... inevitably.

I'll get to town, call 911 from a pay phone. They'll save who they can and help ones they can't. And I'll either quietly bleed to death or somehow--somehow--I'll go find Captain America...

Find your Grail, Hill.

In a random base somewhere looking industrial:

I'm including this because part of it makes me LOL, the rest will be summarized.

Hood: "Well, there's a guy called Lancaster Sneed--I swear I didn't make that up--but the guy trades under the name Shockwave, you know him?"

Osborn: "No."

Hood: "Well nobody does, because his name is Lancaster Sneed."

See? LOL

Hood: "Anyway, Seed was our first responder as it were, got to Stark in a street fair--"

Osborn: "What kind of street fair?"

Hood: "Ahh-- electronics and crap."

Osborn: "Of course. Continue."

Hood: "Not much else to add. He blew it."

Osborn: "Well, with a name like Lancaster Sneed you get what you pay for."

Osborn is frustrated and asks to speak to Madame Masque alone. Hood's like, I guess. But Osborn wants her to come to him. Whitney does not seem so down with this plan but she goes anyway because... well I don't know. Whitney ends up at the Tower and talking to Osborn about... well, semantics really. Whitney insists no one calls her that and he's all "it's who you are" and I don't see the point of this conversation, and nor does she. She wants to know what he had to say that he couldn't say with Hood there. Osborn goes on about POWER POWER POWER I HAZ IT and I think that's a new segment of these recaps. I'm like... The Soup, for Iron Man comics. But he's got something to show her... I know, it's not what you think. It's something that will help her find Tony. She comes running after him at that idea.

Basically he has this to show her. Remember Tony's like virtual armory thing way back in the beginning of the first Invincible Iron Man arc written by Fraction, the Five Nightmares? Well, oh snap! Osborn has found it. It lets him know which of Tony's armories is still up and running, and where Tony Stark will be going as they go down off the radar... I guess. He apparently knows where Tony will be running to and tells Masque to ditch hiring scrubs and take care of Tony as personal business with the information she's been given... for both of them.

I think Whitney is turned on by this, or maybe she just wants back into Tony's pants. She's playing coy with her pinky in her mask mouth . She agrees.

Hey did you know that this comic is called Iron Man? Well we finally see Tony again, in the last two pages of the issue. Remember that downer ending I told you Fraction had been teasing about on his twitter? Well, in 3...2....1..


Tony is sitting in some shitty room with a make shift work bench and a computer, the latest armor he's using laying on the bed full assembled with the helmet beside it. He's working at the computer.

I have to simplify the suit. The stuff I've been buying--salvage--is all intended to make the Iron Man more...easy for me to use. Planning ahead for my diminishing abilities I should be ab--

Tony loses his train of thought when the following happens. His brain goes "gah why!" and he starts to seize. He falls back out of his chair, still connected to the wires in the back of his skull, he said no no no, which makes me think it's not going as planned or it's happening too fast. He's in the fetal position on the floor. He's got a retched nose bleed and I'm assuming a pretty bad headache.

Tony: "P-P-P-P--PPPPP Pepper."

Sorry Tony, you're all alone now....

But Pepper's on the roof of Avengers Tower in the Iron Potts. She's going to fly from the roof despite the warning of being shot down.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts? Ms. Potts? Ms. Potts, where are we going?"

Pepper is in tears inside the helmet.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts, shall I set a trajectory? What is our destination?"

Pepper: "Find Tony Stark. And to hell with Norman Osborn."

Downer ending is a downer...


See you next month Invincible Iron Man #14