Invincible Iron Man Issue #14

When we last left Tony Stark World's Most Fucking Wanted, Yo: Tony was in France and took down the first in the list of lame rogues (Shockwave) and then collapsed into a puddle of his own blood. Pepper was given the third degree and ultimatums from Osborn, Maria got the harddrive and was legging the fuck out of Texas and Madame Masque was being released from The Hood flunkies to go out on her own to find Tony.

It can only go up from here right?

Invincible Iron Man #14: The Shape of the World These Days

Tony Stark is miraculously okay after we last saw him writhing in bloody pain on the floor of his shack apartment and back in the old school Iron Man . What the hell? Fine, you know what? I'm going to let this one slide and give Fraction the benefit of the doubt. Brain bleeds can totally be recovered from and are just signs of bigger issues. You get a pass for now... for now .

Tony narration: I keep moving. From point to point, place to place. Even I forget where, or why exactly for a second here and there... that's the one thought that hasn't left me yet.

Tony is flying over an icy landscape of mountainous landscape... well anyway, this can only be Russia. Arkhanglesk, Russia. Say that five times fast. Try it, really. I can wait.... As he flies it's over some hidden missiles that are ready to fire at will. Why? Because it's Russia. At this point another narration appears. That's right, the voice over narration. Why? Because Delete Brain is no longer a viable reliable narrator. Well, played Fraction.

Narration: The thoughts are flooding out of Tony Stark's head faster and faster these days, save for one. "Keep moving," he tells himself over and over again. Tony Stark's mantra. And so he keeps moving, even through places he shouldn't.

DON DON DOOOOOOOOON


Tony: "Uh Oh--" Spaghetti-Os!

Narration: The process of deleting his mind, one brain cell at a time, requires a power source only his repulsor-powered armors can provide him. Oh I get it. It's "For those who tuned in late" time. I see, I see. So, the winner takes home which fabulous prizes? With every wave of deletions, Stark loses a degree of complexity and sophistication to his mind. This has required the man to downgrade from simpler system to simpler system, tripping backwards down his own development history. And these simpler systems were made during simpler times.

Basically this is the summary Fraction gave Joe Quesada as Joe shoved his face full of cheeseburger and spilled ketchup on his greasy needs-to-be-washed XXXL Spider-Man t-shirt. It's the recap of what's going on for the slower readers who are sitting around going "So what's going on with Tony?"

As this all is being narrated Tony is having big state of the art Russian missiles fired at his ass. And his old suit is not quick enough to out run them or really shield him much from the blasts. This means of course, Tony Stark goes down without much effort from the missiles... not that... missiles have to use... effort.

Narration: They're all he can manage now. Unfortunately, the world has moved on.

Tony got pwned.

Narration: And as these hopelessly outdated machines try to keep him alive just a little longer, Tony Stark has to laugh. Because boy did he fuck up...He designed cutting-edge weapons for so long... that he managed to forget that the deadliest weapon of all was the one he was piloting. The Iron Man was always the most dangerous thing in Tony Stark's life. And one day it would be the death of him. Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Iron Man is in the snow, but thankfully in one piece. Well, we hope anyway. He moves to get up, comes face to face with the Crimson Dynamo. I always want to type that as Crymson Dynamo, but then I remember it's not piloted by a stripper named Brandi with an "I". So I refrain, or delete.

Tony: "Man that hurt. System? Hello?"

Systems rebooting

Tony: "Great. Take your time." Wasn't just shot up at missiles and on the run for me li--what was I talking about?

Incoming detected.

Tony: "What, agai--"

Crimson Dynamo: It's in brackets so that must mean it's Russian. "Wrong country, wrong suit. I don;t know who you are, comrade, and I don't care!" Oh clichés. "The Crimson Dynamo knows Iron Man and you-- brought down so easily--are no Iron Man."

Wow, Tony, you got told.

CD sort of descends onto Iron Man in sort of a... how shall I put this... looming over him in a Scary-in-the-1930s sort of movie way Eventually he picks up Iron Man and rips off his helmet, like he's a puny little creature.

Tony: "Dmitri--Dmitri, it's me--It's me, you damn bear--"

Dmitri: "I..Stark? Don't lie to me, friend--if you're not who you say you are--I'll tear more than your helmet off."

Tony: I shaved my head I shaved my head Dmitri don't kill me--I know I look different and I'm in the old armor and--don't tear my head off."

D'aww the way Tony looks at Crimson Dynamo would be adorable if it was drawn by someone who was halfway good at making people... look good. But instead we're stuck with a half-assed version of whatever look they were going for.

Dmitri: "Tony! I so sorry I fire missiles at you, old friend! I thought you were--well, you not looking like you look these days, da?"

...Is that a typo or just meant to be the strangest mangle of the English language in a comic book...

Crimson Dynamo at this point has Tony in a bear hug, which despite the bad art, makes me laugh because Tony, in his own armor, is all surprised and easily man-handled by Dmitri. At this point, I'm just happy Tony is getting a warm reception somewhere... even if it started off as missiles. But you know, what's a few missiles between friends?

Tony: "I'm in trouble, Dmitri. I need help."


Newark, NJ-- You'll never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy.

Penn Station Bus Terminal

Where you see a lot of buses. But one bus in particular is the focus of our attention. The one with the word bubble coming out of! Inside the bus is a man with a flashlight coming down the aisle and a lump of something blonde in a seat. No, it's not Steve. We've got another month at least before he shows up, sorry kids. Maybe next issue.

He shines the light and it's a woman wearing sunglasses with blond hair curled up in a jacket. It's Maria, we see as she lurches forward and pulls the blonde wig off a bit as she does so.

Bus guy: "Hey, everybody off the bus! That means you too. HEY! It's just a bus, lady, it ain't a motel. I said HEY!"

I bet that line gets all the girls. Poorly spoken english and all. He picks up chicks with those great lines and, "Wanna see my bus?"

Maria narration: How not to ever, ever, wake me up.

Maria: "I head you." Chode.

She lunches forward, the wig coming off her head as she does, at poor Bus Guy who just couldn't get a better job because he didn't go to college. He doesn't need her shit, man. Well, maybe a little. He did shine a light in her face and she is not having a good day... or good... year. So, I can see both sides really.

Maria: "Who sent you? WHO?!?"

Busy Guy: "Guh--Greyhound?"

Dahahahahaha, oh Fraction, my sides.

Maria seems satisfied with that answer or at least over bus guy, because she gets the hell out of dodge with bus guy yelling for the cops and security. Maria sort of shuffles along until the bus guy says that he needs security to stop because she tried to kill him. Well, I think... if you really want to split hairs about this, she didn't so much try to kill you as she did threaten you, a misdemeanor at best. I mean, there's the active attempt on your life and all that she could have done but... forget it.

Moving on.

The cops yell at her to halt but she doesn't listen and they sort of pursue her in their fat cliché cop sort of way with a Benny Hill theme back track of Yakkity Sax.

More of the narrator. I imagine, James Earl Jones or maybe Morgan Freeman... Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs... mmm...

Narration: Maria Hill trained to be a soldier and a spy her entire life. How to evade detection and escape danger. And if the best place in the world to hide a book is in a library... then the best place to hide a person is in the biggest city in the country...

Newark...?


Holland Tunnel:

Pepper narration: I hate breaking the rules.

Pepper and the doctor dude who did her surgery from like the beginning of the Fraction run are sitting inside of a van in traffic. Um. I don't remember this guy's name so I'm just going to go with my usual pattern and call him "Doctor Guy" rather than go back to the issues and look him up. He's not that important of a character at this moment, but if he does show up again with something viable, I'll find his name as he has been proven worthy.

This stuff isn't really plot important so this is the gist of it: Pepper wanted to make sure that the wear and tear she'd been doing to herself wasn't messing up her implant or causing her body any unneeded problems because she's going to disappear for awhile. During this conversation, Doctor Guy makes it clear that he is not living by Osborn's laws and still helps the former Stark employees even though they're all without health care aid now. Also, apparently a lot of Tony's old employees have gone "free-lance", I'm not sure what this means exactly. So it might come back later. There chat is interrupted by Jarvis giving the call for her to go off on another rescue mission. In fact, we get a little more narration after Doctor Guy asks her if "Rescue" is what she's calling herself these days:

It is now, thinks Pepper Potts. It is now, thinks Rescue. I like Iron Potts better. So, Iron Potts I'm still going to call her.


In Soviet Russian, Iron Man armor pilots you!

Dmitri: "It's like flying coffin."

Tony: "It is now, yeah."

The Iron Man armor is lying fully assembled on a work table as Tony and Dmitri (who sports the most amazing handlebar twirly Snidely Whiplash mustache I have seen since 1932!) glance over a map on a floating screen in what I assume is Dmitri's equivalent to Tony Stark's workshop. The next couple of pages are completely my jam and I'm not going to lie to you, I think I'm becoming a Tony/Dmitri shipper. Like, secretly...

Dmitri: "Is old, too substandard."

Tony: "Now."

Dmitri: "Like a MI-24."

Tony: "NOW."

Dmitri: "Like a--"

Tony: "Okay, Dmitri, Okay. It's old, it got the hell beat out of it in the Skrull invasion and now thanks to you it's completely useless and very broken."

This pissing contest is totally amusing because you know that Dmitri is razzing him because he can, and because it's totally cheesing Tony off that he isn't ahead of the curve anymore.

Dmitri: "What about you, Stark? You have seen better days, no? I still see news."

Tony: "I've got a lot of data stored in my head and a lot of very bad people want to get their hands on it. So I started this... I'm deleteing it all. Hooking myself up to repulsor generators hidden around the world a little at a time because it needs an insane amount of power to--"

Dmitri now has the most golden line in the entire book. I love him like a fat kid loves cake... you have no damn idea.

Dmitri: "Why not jump into volcano? Entire brain vaporized in instant."

Seriously. I love him. Because it's clear that the logic Tony has presented to him on this subject is not striking a chord. Dmitri, that would make... let's count here... Pepper, Maria, Henry, Rhodey and now Dmitri... five? Five friends of Tony's who all think that this idea is really not the best. In fact, I'd venture to guess that Dmitri, like the four people before him presented with the same said plan, is thinking: "Tony, you're such an idiot for a genuis."

There's a moment where Tony turns to him, the whole time Dmitri has been looking at Tony from behind and getting a gander at the plugs for his auto-lobotomy suicide machine, and has this moment of contemplation. Like he's actually sitting there and considering the possibility of jumping into a fucking volcano. But then he waves it off, leaving Dmitri to sort of hmph and he has this expression of "really?" sort of annoyance, but he's more angry because his Russian and it's Larroca.

Tony: "Not that bad yet. Here. I need to get here. Once Stark opened facilities in St. Pete's and Kiev, I put a workshop here. Kirensk. Can you get me there?"

Dmitri: "Is long way. Do not think so stupid. How will move from one to next?"

Tony: "Heh."

Oh Tony, you're plotting something aren't you. Why yes you are! In the next panel we have Dmitri suiting Tony up in the Crimson Dynamo! Who didn't see that one coming by show of collective headdesks? Nah, I think it's cool that he's switching tech for a bit. At least he's smart enough to do that in Russia. Crimson Dynamo... that man's a national treasure.

Dmitri: "And you sure you up to this journey?"

Tony: "Sure. I'm sure."

Dmitri: "You sure you capable?"

Tony: "I've noticed decay in ultrahigh multi-processing and some long-term memory. My reflexes have slowed but are still at acceptable levels. I'll be fine. Your suit will be fine." Pay attention to that because it comes back later.

Dmitri: "Controls in Russian. In-helmet graphical-user interface in Russian."

More brackets, this next part in Russian. (Oh, see what I did there? I wrote like Dmitri talks!)

Tony: "I understood you when you were beating the crap out of me and screaming in Russian. I should be okay."

Dmitri: "Okay is the last word and the last way I choose to describe you at this precise and discreet moment in time, my friend."

Dmitri puts the helmet on Tony and Tony is ready to rock and roll for Mother Russia, too bad he can't drink any vodka these days.

Tony: "Be nice. I could always fly your suit into a volcano."

But not in Russia, ass.

Tony takes flight over Russia with a military escort for part of the way and friendly skies for his trip. He's successfully convinced people he's the real deal.

Narration: His Russian's not as rusty as he feared and he's able to bluff his way through radio contact with any visitors he encounters. He's amazed they even try talking first and don't just open fire. This is what it used to be like. They used to be heroes. They used to be welcome sights in the skies. They didn't have to hide.

Tony... do you seem to recall the little Civil War? Who's fault is it that you all have to hide? Actually, I'm an avid member of the Stark was Right crew- I just like to add insult to injury. But yes, I see the point since... well, yeah.


Berkley, Massachusetts: I hate the way that word is spelled.

Iron Potts flies off from a rescue mission in saving a blown up grain silo. It's another job well done. Between you and me, I think Pepper is eating this up with a spoon. I think she likes playing hero in the field instead of behind a desk with a weird headpiece and a necklace. But that's just me.

Pepper: "That went pretty well."

JARVIS: "I'd say so, yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Who knew grain silos could explode?"

JARVIS: "I did."

Pepper: "Of course you did."

Like Laurel and Hardy, these two. Seriously can we have a spin off called Iron Potts filled with the snarky misadventures of Pepper and her sarcastic interface? Please?

Pepper: "Now tell me what you picked up in Russia? Repuslors?"

JARVIS: "Yes Ma'am--Kirensk."

Pepper: "Is there anything interesting I need to know about Kirensk?"

Basically, this. In 1908 the Tunguska Event occurred and is still the largest impact event on earth in modern times; Tony was so interested in this that after the Cold War he bought a big amount of land there and expanded in Russia, which we already knew based on him having SI operations in St. Petersburg and Kiev. So that's the important information that JARVIS has imparted to us as Pepper flies off toward where? Well where else kids?

Pepper: "Tony's in Russia."

Pepper Potts, you are so good at this game. Seriously.

JARVIS: "Yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Then let's go to Russia."

JARVIS: "Miss Potts, I'd be remiss in not reminding you that doing so violates the terms of your release as were agreed to by yourself and Norman Osborn. And I do know you hate breaking rules."

Pepper: "Have you ever met the real Jarvis? The actual living Avengers-butler-Jarvis? You really are stunningly like the man."

JARVIS: "No, ma'am. I suspect it would be rather odd."


BOOM! Knocked it out of the park! You could have ended the issue there and I would have been satisfied, Fraction. If Dmitri was the winner of the gold with his volcano line, then JARVIS barely lost with the silver thanks to this whole exchange. And this people, is why despite it's shortcomings, I will continue to read and enjoy this arc and defend Fractions writing. Thank you, that is all.

But alas, no issue is completely without the Norman Osborn Hissy Fit of JUSTICE!

HAMMER flunkies in inform Osborn that Pepper has left airspace and is either heading to China or Russia. So in other words, if she lands in either place... good luck finding her, dick. Obsorn insists it's Russia and has Hand of Justice make a call to the appropriate authorities to handle his little problem. And who could those appropriate authorities be? Well, it's Colonel (which is really an annoying word. Where's the R?) Dmitri Bukharin. Hmmm. Well isn't that dandy for you Osborn.

Osborn laments pseudo-diplomatically to the Colonel about how Tony is a very bad man with a lot of information Tony could misuse for mass destruction. He also talks about Pepper being Iron Potts and how she's not headed in his direction and it would be just swell if Dmitri would let HAMMER into Russian airspace so they could take Potts in and maybe even Stark should fortune smile upon them. And he's just ultra sleazy about it too.

Dmtiri comes in with another gold medal worthy set of lines that are as follows:

Dmitri: "Nyet. No, no thank you. In fact, I think I go out of my way for Miss Potts. Enjoy more of Russia that way, yes? You might have fool some people of United States into thinking your way correct way or that you have earned trusted--but not me. Go to hell. And don't call back."

Cue Norman Osborn's bitch fit. He screams how dare you like he's something special and tosses his computer off the desk, and also breaks the glass surface of his desk and Hand of Justice stands back looking shocked, but mostly just glad it didn't hit her. He then stares out the window like an emo kid during a rain storm and huffs. He turns, in one of his menacing loser ways and says:

Osborn: "Gonna need new stuff."



New York City,
Garment district-- Hey we're going to be on Project Runway!

A nice apartment with nice things and... wait, that red head... isn't Pepper en route to Russia? I mean what the heck is she doing there and talking on the phone about Maria Hill to someone we've... is this all just a crazy dream sequence and Maria Hill is gone bat shit vigilante and Tony and Pepper have to save--

Wait... it's Natasha Romanova Okay, so this issues is just brimming with Russians. FOR THE MOTHER LAND! It's sad that Larroca makes all women look exactly the same.

Natasha: "She what? She what? No, of course, I'm sure she did something, just--Maria Hill tends toward keeping it wired tight, you know what I mean? To just go off the reservation like that--She's coming here? Why? Okay, okay. No--No, thank you for the heads up. Old spies like us have to watch out for each other these days, yeah? Yeah okay."

Natasha narration (it's black and red, clever): Maria Hill? No way Maria Hill's cracked.

Narration: Natasha Romanova can't shake the feeling what if? In her line of work good people crack all the time. Could it have happened to Hill? The shape of the world these days is strange and sad at best. Maybe Maria Hill--

Natasha goes outside of her plush little digs to see a bunch of neighbors gawking at the door. She turns to see a big black widow painted on the door. Oh, I get it because she's the... haha. That's a good one, Fraction. The neighbors insinuate that Spider-Man must behind the mystery tagging, because he's so into that. Maybe he's gone emo again and he's dancing in jazz clubs to make Mary Jane like so jealous. Oh, Spider-Man 3...

Natasha is pretty sure it wasn't Spidey.

Narration: There's a song in her head now but she doesn't know it yet: just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

Natasha looks up to see Maria Hill on the roof with a bucket of paint, her hands covered in black paint and waving.



Russian Federation Airspace:

Pepper is cruising along in the Iron Potts and she is pissed. She wants a shower like no body's business. They can't find Tony but JARVIS is certain he's there because someone is using repulsor tech who isn't them. Pepper wonders if maybe he's hiding when she gets nailed with a shot from behind from what else but... repulsor tech. She turns to see Crimson Dynamo.

Tony: "Who sent you?"

Pepper: "Tony--"

She repulsors him back... wait, isn't Pepper not a weapon? Whatever, I'm not even going to bother trying because I'm sure it's one of her plane saving force-field things. Tony is apparently more effected by her blow though than she was his.

Pepper: "Slow down--it is Tony, right? Right JARVIS?"

Jarvis: "I am working to confirm."

Tony: "Who sent you? Why won't Osborn do his dirty work himself?"

Pepper flies into Tony and wraps her arms around his torso, taking him down, I assume to stop chicken fighting in the air.

Pepper: "It's me, you jerk--"

My theory here is that Tony either doesn't remember Pepper or doesn't remember making the armor. He said he was losing his long-term memory so we'll see which one it ends up being. My angst meter is going more toward the Pepper. They hit the snowy hillside, mountain thingy and she pins him down. Tony appears to still be struggling and Pepper yanks off her helmet. Tony lies there unresponsive, probably seizing again or something. Judging from the situation and Pepper's facial expression, something is likely wrong with Tony.

Pepper: "Tony! Anthony Edward Stark! Tony, it's me! ...Tony?"


Osborn's cronies are trying to build his new Ikea desk but none of them can read Swedish or whatever. Hand of Justice is looking concerned or a bit un-amused and still slightly horrified. Osborn is on the phone with Madam Masque, who is lying in the snow looking through a sniper rifle. Well, that's nice.

Osborn: "Madame Masque! I was wondering when you'd grace me with your...."

Masque: "He's in Russia. Kirensk."

Osborn: "How do you know?"

Masque: "Because I'm watching him right now."

The final panel has Pepper in the cross-hairs looking concerned, Tony's armor beneath her just barely visible.

Masque: "He's about to murder the last friend he has on earth."


Well...


To be continued in Invincible Iron Man #15