Invincible Iron Man Issue #15

Last time in "Tony Stark Is So Fucked!" Tony met up with Dmitri the Crimson Dynamo and for his efforts received a loaner armor. Pepper found Tony but Tony nearly killed her. Madame Masque has them in her sights and was ready to pull the trigger. Maria found Natasha and Natasha was fucking out of there because she thinks Hill is crazypants. Oh the places you'll go...

Invincible Iron Man #15: The Danger We're All In


Russian Federation Kirensk

Pepper Potts is screaming her fucking face off because Tony is about ready to blow her ass to bits. She is not pleased. Tony finally realizes that oops, she is not the enemy and he probably shouldn't fire missiles into her face. Mostly, because that will get messy and he promised that he would return the Crimson Dynamo armor intact.

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, don't you dare! I've gone through way too much of your crap to die by you shooting me in the face in the middle of the damn Tundra!"

Ain't that the fucking truth. You could have a spin off comic based off the crap Pepper's had to deal with in her time working for Tony.

Tony: "Oh good lord--Pepper?!?"

Tony and Pepper are sitting in the snow, Tony took off his helmet and for some reason he resembles this guy I knew back in my swimming days named Brian Nagel. In fact, this is the first panel that foreshadows how Tony will look completely different from panel to panel in this issue, barely resembling the way he looked before. I thought he was deleting his brain, not morphing into a new person... is he getting extensive plastic surgery?

Pepper: "Thank God--"

Tony: "Pepper! Pepper, I'm so--the armor. Pep, I forgot about your armor--I'm sorry."

Pepper: "Shut up."

They share an armored hug in the middle of the snow, and it's kind of sweet if you don't think how uncomfortable that must be... to hug someone in the armor you're wearing. I doubt that either is really worried about comfort though, considering it's fucking snowing and it's the Tundra... but who am I to... forget I said anything about logic. There's an important Plot ahead. Here comes the Plot Train: woowooooo

Tony: "It's my mind, Pepper. I--"

Pepper: "It's okay."

Tony: "No, it's not okay. I forgot--I forgot I made it for you and--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's okay. It's--"

They kiss and there goes the Plot Train... until we meet again, keeping going up that hill. You think you can, I know you can, little Plot Train that could. I was fine with it when Pepper and Morphing Tony kissed the first time because it was a good-bye, end of the world, desperate kiss. I was fine with that because you know what? I would have done the same thing if I were either one of them. This situation is so not kosher. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! And Whitney Frost agrees as she hones in on them with her annoying self, and makes a huffing sound as if... she has some claim on Tony these days. Well, maybe in her own crazy head. The nuttier, the sluttier... right, Tony?

Whatever, so Pepper and Tony get up and talk about how ancient the Crimson Dynamo looks and then how they're going to the lab he built under the land where meteorite hit and all that as they walk hand and hand into the... white out. I was going to say sunset but you can't see the sun, just a hazy Russian winterscape... Madame Masque starts to target them more and decides Pepper will die before Tony. Probably so Tony can blame himself for something else.

New York, NY: Garment District

Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum bring the designers to--wait... oh I forgot, this isn't Project Runway, this is...never mind.

On the roof Natasha Potts or maybe Pepper Romanova decide to have words about how Maria is batshit crazypants. That's okay, I kind of like Batshit Crazy Maria. For the record, I hope Bethany Cabe doesn't enter this arc because then she'll look also like Pepper; all the red-heads in the Marvel Universe look exactly the same when Larroca traces draws them.

Maria is asking for help again and Natasha Potts keeps talking about how Maria is nuts and at this point this is all very boring. Natasha Potts accuses Maria of blowing Futurepharm just because it was Osborn's property and continues to call her nutty. Maria explains that she did it because of The Controller (who she doesn't name) and that she needs to find Bucky. Tony sent her for what's in her bag to give to Captain America and Osborn wants it. That sounds perfectly sane to me all things considered... if it was just some random guy on the street, I'd think he'd had too many puffs off the happy stick.

Natasha Potts, with her lopsided boobs, is not convinced. She thinks Maria looks sick and she's not making much sense. Maria, of course, knows she makes perfect sense and she's completely serious and needs help so painting a black widow was the best way to get attention. Natasha Potts calls her an idiot and tells her to basically fuck off because even if she is still a good guy, it's too dangerous to hand over Bucky to have coffee. Well, that's not what she was asking but... Natasha Potts jumps off the rough and tells Maria to seek help. Well, bye.


Back in Russia, Pepper is asleep and wakes up in bed...naked...

Pepper: "Mm. Tony? I fell asleep."

She sits up and looks around to find Tony sitting on a couch in this giant basement lab. He's nothing but a blurry "Beginning to draw: People!" form sitting there on the sofa. It's kind of an atrocity to see this. He appears to be writing something in a notebook, if you squint hard you can see it.

Tony: "You were exhausted. I thought it was best to--to--uh...yeah. Gimme one second."

Ouch. That's just painful.

Pepper comes and stands behind Tony, why did he put her to bed naked? That's just weird and sort of creepy Tony. Kind of like in Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart rescues Kim Novak from San Francisco Bay and then puts her to bed naked in his apartment. Like, it was totally because you were soaked not because I wanted to oggle your goodies, strange lady. I mean, I guess Pepper and Tony know each other-- so he's writing something and Pepper's looking over his shoulder to see what he's doing.

Tony: "Just, ahh--I'm leaving myself notes. Y'know for later." Like in Memento? Nicely done.

Pepper: "You've kept the secrets of the whole world in your head, and now you're jotting them down on Post-Its? Sloppy."

Tony: "These are hardly secrets. More like... like 'here's how to use a screw driver.'"

This panel makes Tony look like a weird skeleton man and it's probably the worst art I've seen in this arc so far. Worse than Fat Mexican Tony, worse than Josh Holloway traced Tony, worse then even Brian Nagel Tony from a couple pages back. It's like suddenly, for this one panel all of the shape and structure from his face was drained away. Seriously, it's hideous and I don't even think it's Tony except that he's wearing welding goggles on his head.

Pepper: "Is it... is it really that bad? Will it really get that bad?"

Tony continues to look at Pepper but this is the same fucking panel as the one just above Pepper talking, where Tony's all ghost face on everyone... but without the word bubble. Seriously, Larroca? Too busy tracing to give us one extra panel of a different look! Exact. Same. Panel.

Tony Stark will have a meltdown in three, two, one...

Tony: "It's all happening now. Chunks of stuff just...go. I can't remember any of third grade." I can't either Tony, third grade was really not that important especially when you're a genius pushing another decade older (I'm guessing based on some more recent stuff, Tony's about 38 or 39). "I can't remember the names of any particular cars. They're all just...'cars'. I have thirty-three cars all over the world but I can't remember a single name of a single one but I know I have thirty-three. I feel like I'm losing my super-powers, Pepper. I didn't remember I made you that suit until you spoke."

Poor Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you weren't doing this to yourself. You chose to do this and so therefore, while your breakdown kind of hurts my soul a bit, ultimately you're the one to blame. But it's still sad, watching him fall apart. Yet... aslo delicious because I'm sick and morbid that way. Um.. for some reason Pepper looks more chesty when she's naked then she has be--wait! Doesn't she have an arc reactor in her chest? No trace of that right now, whatsoever. Bad, Larroca. Bad, editors for letting that little fuck up slip.

But, tangent aside, Tony's still having a break down:

Tony: "It's like... okay. It's like guys--guys in my line of work--the Iron Man line of work, I mean, not the Stark stuff--there's always guys "losing their powers". There's a ray, or a spell, or an accident... it's a thing that happens, okay? And I'd always think--me, just being the guy in the suit he made in a cave somewhere--I'd always think--Oh no! Now you're just a normal person and isn't that the worst thing in the world. You're just like the rest of us now. I'm just like everybody else now, Pepper. I'm just... normal. And I hate being normal. I'm sorry, I be that sounded really awful and mean and condescending."

Tony leans forward and he's really just spent. It's hard having emotions again, isn't it Tony? It's hard knowing that you've failed... wait, when did I become anti Tony? I'm a Tony fan... but I just... well, I saw this one coming. I really did. And now, I kind of do feel bad for him. He's losing his super-power indeed and he didn't really... do anything to deserve it besides become too powerful. He wasn't really abusing that power so he doesn't really deserve this... so yes, now it is kind of sad.

Pepper: "We're all kind of used to it by now. It's okay."

They lean in to kiss again, I vomit on the page and flip it fast because STOP IT!!! Tony pulls her away and cups her face in his hands. He's connected to his auto-lobotomy suicide machine while all this goes on, by the way. My favorite part is the Crimson Dynamo sitting upright on the side of the couch behind him like a giant body pillow or something.

Pepper: "Tony, while I can still say it--and while you can still understand it--while it still means something--thank you."

Tony: "Hey--"

Pepper breaks down into tears and the two of them are still sitting there together. He still has her face cupped in his hands and he starts to wipe away her tears as she continues to talk to him about what she needs to say. I actually, kind of choke up during this part and... just to prepare you now... I broke down into tears coming up here soon. You were warned.

Pepper: "No, Tony, you--in spite of everything else--everything else--the highs and lows and all the rest--thank you. Thank you. For everything you ever did for Rhodey, and me, and Happy..."

Tony: "Hey. It's okay. It's okay..."

They sit together on the couch with Tony's head sort of resting on Pepper's shoulder while he's plugged into the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. There's silence and then as they pull away like this is a movie and about to fade to black, Tony and Pepper just shadows through a window... Tony asks:

Tony: "Who's Happy?"

Give me a few minutes while I finish sobbing and then I'll continue on with the recap...

Madame Masque prowls the tundra after Tony, calling him stupid and asking if he did this for love, to no one but her , and ignores Osborn trying to get her attention via her earpiece. She leaves the earpiece in the snow and keeps walking.


Now that I'm composed, we're back in New York where Maria is chasing Natasha Potts up a water tower and Natasha Potts is not amused anymore. In fact, she's a little confused and perturbed. She looks back at Maria who's gaining on her and well, she's nothing but persistent.

Natasha: "You gotta be kidding me--never were one for giving up, were you? Give up now, Maria. I said no and I meant it."

Maria doesn't listen. She keeps pursuing, which you know is either good or bad for her, I have yet to decide. A bolt of something fires at Maria and she loses her grip. I think Natasha Potts was jumping back down at Maria but it's not really clear but at this point Maria then tackles Natasha Potts and they go sailing through the air.

Maria: "Dammit, Nat--this is serious!"

They tumble to the streets below. Maria lands flat on a scafolding of some kind and Natasha Potts on a van, while some old lady calls HAMMER to alert them to costumed Al Qaeda super-terrorists committing suicide on her roof. LOL! Maria starts to get up while NP looks sore and irked by the fall.

Maria: "Stuh--Stop running and--and help me, dammit!"

Natasha Potts chooses instead to run, again. Why not just stop and talk to her longer than just run away, I mean I know you think she's bat-shit (believe me I'm with you) but seriously? Hear the woman out. You've always been such a bitch Natasha...Potts.

Natasha: "Maria! Take a hint."

HAMMER flying squirrels. Seriously these guys are dressed in costumes with gliders and they look like green flying squirrels. That's... dumb. Whatever, moving on. They're after Maria because, well obviously. Apparently they're the rapid response squad.

Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I like to pick wildflowers. On Wednesday I go shopping and hang around in bars!

Tony Stark: Beefcake with Wood. Not that kind of... well I'm sure he's got that kind. Instead, he's chopping wood in the wilderness of the tundra with a stupid flap hat and he's only missing the flannel. I don't know if I'm disturbed or turned on but I'm definitely amused. Poor Tony, you don't have people to get your fire wood for you anymore.

Narration: It wouldn't be the worst of lives, would it? Chopping wood. Mowing lawns. Paying bills. Catching colds. Just... being. These are the thoughts Tony thinks. This is the first he's ever thought a normal life could or would be anything but torture.

Tony takes the pile of wood back to the underground lab where... oh snap, someone's broken in. Well, done Tony. You've lead a bad guy right up into your shit. He goes inside calling Pepper's name as he goes, leaving the wood behind and losing his hat somewhere along the way. Inside, he finds Madame Masque with Pepper hooked up to... is that a car battery and some jumper cables? (BUT I'M NOT COVERED IN MOTOR OIL!) Oh look, she's go her arc reactor back... weird. Maybe it's removable... oh wait, IT KEEPS HER ALIVE!

Anyway, Whitney has Pepper's arc reactor hooked up to the jumper cables.

Whitney: "Tony. Hiiiiii baby. Don't you think it's time to stop this ridiculous charade?" You are not sexy.


Maria keeps chasing Natasha Potts. Okay, over it. Just... one of you needs to stop being an annoying butthead for five seconds. Seriously, a conversation would help instead of... never mind. I forgot I was reading Marvel Comics for a minute. Rational talk is non-existent or we'd have avoided the whole Civil War .

Maria: "Not gonna stop, Nat--I'm not giving--up."

Natasha Potts can apparently fly and bounds up the walls Spider-Man style toward another roof, leaving Maria to watch her go and become ambushed by the SHAMMER flunkies. (Get it, SHAMMER, because they're a sham? Ha! I crack me up). They inform Maria she is under arrest and Maria looks back up at Natasha Potts for help. This is some srs bsns.

Maria: "Shoot the bag! Don't waste anymore time just shoot the damn bag! I know you can still hear me just SHOOT IT!"

Natasha Potts peers down at her like "fucking what?" because she's still confused and convinced Maria is talking crazy talk.

SHAMMER Flunky: "Calm down, ma'am."

Maria: "Shoot the damn bag! Destroy it before they--"

SHAMMER Flunky 2: "Sir, look--! Up there--the other one--"

Natasha: "--Dammit--"

She shoots rope from her wrist brace, and lassos a very perplexed Maria before hauling her up to the roof with her bag o' tricks. Maria is clearly confused by Natasha Potts and her sudden change of heart, but she's not going to let it distract her from her task yet.

Maria: "I didn't--didn't think you trusted--"

Natasha Potts grabs her hand and they head off running, adding her two cents.

Natasha: "You clearly have an awful lot invested in that bag of yours. And you might be nuts but what can I say--you're my kind of crazy."

Maria/Natasha fics, start.... NOW!



Back in Russia, our lumberjack hero and his crazy masked ex-girlfriend...

Tony: "Whitney. Take it easy."

Whitney has Pepper tied up and jumper cabled and Pepper looks a bit annoyed and sort of Asian now in this panel. Or like the oldest kid in A Series of Unfortunate Events. But with red hair. And an arc reactor in her chest. Details.

Whitney: "I assure you, Tony--I'm not the one you need to worry about right now. I read your notes, darling. This one blacked out pretty early so I had some time. Memory decay, congnitive decay... you're losing your mind somehow, aren't you, Tony? Do you remember me, I wonder?"

Tony: How could I forget your crazy ass? "Whitney Frost. Madame Masque. Of course I remember you. Please--let Pepper go. I'll do anything you ask, just--I couldn't live with myself if I got her hurt. Please let her go."

Pepper comes to at this point. Apparently she was unconscious but that was hard to tell from the last panel because well, if I was tied up, I'd hang my head too, and the panel before she looked Asian not blacked out. Whitney electrocutes her because well, she's torturing her. And she's a bitch.

Whitney: "No. I'm going to torture her to death. I'm going to torture her to death and make you watch for what you did to me." Not only are you redundant, you're also redundant.

Pepper: "Oh--God--Oh--god--"

Tony's freaking out because well, he doesn't want to watch this shit. And who does?

Whitney: "I'll make it look like an accident somehow, I don't know. Resisting... well, not resisting arrest but something. Osborn will buy it. He'll be relieved really."

Tony's watching as Whitney holds an open and active wire toward Pepper's head. Pepper is hovering on the edge of consciousness and looking at Tony.

Whitney: "And I know I'll feel better. Always awkward having to run into one's exes, don't you think?"

Tony drops to his knees because now he's going to resort to the manly and hero-like act of begging. Well, when all else fails, why not beg. I guess. But then again, he doesn't have many other options.

Tony: "Please. Whitney, please. If I meant anything to you--if our time together meant anything to you, Whitney, anything at all--and I know I hurt you and I know I was awful to you--please. Let her go. Take me instead."

Whitney kicks Tony down onto his back and places her foot down in the center of his chest, staring down at him rather unimpressed and unmoved by his begging. I'm kind of with her on this one. That was sort of cliché and pathetic, Tony.

Whitney: "Shut up. Seeing you snivel and beg doesn't exactly get a girl's motor revved up. "If our time together meant anything to you." Listen to yourself. You sound like a joke. You sound like the kind of banal cretins we used to mock as the sun came up on the azores and the champagne finally ran out." She bends over and straddles him, leaning in so they're only inches apart, face to face. Tony's like... oh crap. "Can you lie anymore? Does that withering bit of magnificence that used to be your mind retain that ability?"

She sits up and starts to untie her mask. Pepper looks confused and almost pretty for the first time in this entire arc, even with blood all over her face. And the look on Tony's as he sits below Whitney, now without her mask, he actually looks okay too. Maybe Larroca had someone else do this for him...or he traced something better.

Whitney: "I doubt you can. I dolt myself you never loved me. That you used me and I let myself be used by you. That you never thought I was beautiful. Tell you what, Tony my love, now you can prove me right. Look me in the eye--look at my true face--tell me what you see, Tony. For once in your life, tell me what you really see when you look at me. Tell me what you really think, prove to me you weren't just using me. And the truth will set you--or your dear Ms. Potts--free..."


Oh, snap. Well played, MM. Well played.


Continued next month in Invincible Iron Man #16