invincible Iron Man Issue #16

When last we left TONY FUCKING STARK GETS PWNED: Tony was exactly that, pwned. He and Pepper were at the mercy of the always crazy Whitney Frost aka Madam Masque. So that's fun. Masque also ditched her connection with Osborn, and Maria finally convinced Natasha Potts to help her... even though Natasha Potts is still convinced Maria is crazy...

If you think Maria's Crazy, go to Russia and talk to Whitney... sheesh.

Invincible Iron Man #16: Titan of the Nuclear Age

Russian Federation
Kirensk:

We open on the bunker that Tony and Pepper were hanging in - remember from last issue when Tony was playing lumberjack? Well the big hole in its side is from Madam Masque busting in, then down the hall way to where Whitney is still straddled over Tony's lap while he tries not to puke as she takes off her mask. Pepper is still half passed out in the corner from the beating she took. The art is... looking better...ish.

Whitney: "So pay attention: When I look in the mirror I want to scream. I see waste and horror. And I suspect I see something monstrous on the outside that matches something monstrous within. I see the ruins of a little girl you played like a fiddle and threw away. Look at what I used to be and tell me what you think, Tony my love. Now that you can't like anymore, tell me that you don't see the exact same thing."

Panel of Pepper looking so annoyed she's about to retch. Me too, Potts. This girl has got some shit twisted doesn't she? As I recall, Tony just sort of accidently killed her dad... who never really stayed dead... but like, her dad was a bad guy so... whatever. The point is, Whitney has some serious issues.

Tony: "Whitney. You're mentally ill." The nuttier the sluttier, that's what I've been saying all along. Tony likes his women a straight jacket away from a padded cell . "You are very seriously mentally ill. Your father raised you to be a criminal mastermind. There are no other words for it. He made you in his own awful image." Does that sound familiar? Without the criminal part... hey, Tony... when are your daddy issues going to come up? "You survived a plane crash and were horribly disfigured." For those who tuned in late. "And your father, capable of doing so much with technology, preferred to find new ways to commit crimes rather than heal you. You're emotionally unstable and fueled by guilt and rage and paranoia. careening from one awful decision to the next looking for..."

This ends todays therapy session with Dr. Tony Stark: Psycho-babbling his way through one relationship to the next!

Tony continues as Whitney removes her mask completely and looks down at him pinned on the ground.

Tony: "I don't know, absolution maybe? And in spite of your--accident--in spite of your condition... I loved you. We were killing each other, but I loved you."

Whitney: "Oh Tony. Tony, I knew it. I always knew it." Then why are we even in this situation? Wasn't that the point of this? For him to prove it... but you already knew so...

Pepper agrees, this is completely overkill as Whitney continues to babble on about how she loves Tony and Tony says nothing. Pepper says it's torture and you know what? I agree with her and I'm pretty sure Tony does too, lying there on his back like a helpless caged animal. It makes me think of Tiny Toons with that little Elmyra Duff girl who was always torturing animals with her "love" but really she was destroying their windpipes when she hugged them. Yeah. That's Whitney Frost all right.

She continues to drone on about how she's sort of seeing someone but it's cool because they could run away together and could be like love fugitives or something stupid like that, as the Iron Potts comes to life. Pepper's looking at Tony first, who has this look on his face like "get her the fuck off me... anything is better than this... sex with Namor is better than this!" as the armor is getting ready. Tony, you make a good distraction for the crazy lady so just go with it, alright? Now that the Iron Potts is getting in gear and ready, Pepper looks determined in her annoyance.

Whitney: "Two lovers on the run from the world determined to crush them. C'mon Tony-- that sounds absolutely amazing. You and me against the world."

Vomit.


New York, Garment District:

Make it work!

MARIA HAS A SNUGGIE (or a Slanket for you in Europe)! No... it's just a sheet, god how I wish it was a Snuggie. Nothing spices up a good story like a Snuggie around a fugitive. She could be warm and run from Osborn! Well, except that her ass would be hanging out... details details... just imagine that? No way anyone would believe she's not crazy... not only has she lost enough self respect to wear a Snuggie, but that's... all she's wearing. So much potential there, Crazy Maria.

Wait, hold up--Maria's in her not!Snuggie and Natasha Potts is decked out in her leather Black Widow digs... what do you think happened here? Bow chica bow wow.

Jokes aside, Maria's not answering her phone.

Natasha Potts: "You gonna get that, Hill?"

Maria: "No. I haven't--It's mine, y'know? mine. Anybody calling it or whatever are people I know from...from the outside. From my real life. 82 Voice mail. A couple hundred emails. And I don't have a single damn thing to say. He was in my head. He was inside of me. All my life, everything I ever fought for, everything I ever did--The Controller just stuck a thing on the back of my neck and took it all away. What the hell could I possibly say to Aunt Rosemary about that? 'Hi Aunt Rosemary, I know what it's like to be dead..'"

Natasha Potts is like ... and in a way I have to feel really bad for Maria here. She's hunched over the kitchen table, wrapped in a blanket and basically lost. No on really stops to think that she was just as fucked as Stark because no one wanted to care. Well, I care and she is in a bad way. She got completely screwed and the people who should help her probably won't. And I think Natasha Potts is kind of noticing that too, even if she won't admit it. Or maybe the compassion on her face is just because she's drawn too much like Pepper.

Natasha Potts: "You really know how to inspire confidence in your fellow fugitives, Hill."

Okay, maybe not. She's just drawn too much like Potts.

Maria: "The hell is that supposed to mean? You don't know what I went what I went through back there."

She gets up from the table and starts losing her shit on Natasha, and I think well within her rights here. Go Maria. I'm totally on your side here. Natasha's just bitter because Scar Jo is playing her in Iron Man 2 and more than likely any following movies with Natasha in them.

Natasha Potts: "You're right. I don't. You've not been able to coherently explain your--"

Maria: "Hey! Don't judge me! Recovery doesn't have a timetable, Natasha!"

Natasha Potts: "That's too bad because I'd love to recover my I.D. that you blew and put us both on the run--"

Maria: "He was in my head! I got beat! And then everything was riding on me and I can't shake him off--"

Natasha: "Okay, Hill-- this is the deal and I'm not debating it. I will not endanger Captain America--Bucky--one whit. Time is at a premium and you're shattered. We don't have the time to put you back together again gently. We're going to go through with the rendezvous tonight as though you still were the most gifted agent of your generation. Because you were once and, somewhere in here, I know you still are. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust you to be you. The second you blow it, I'm dust and you hang. Pull it together, Hill, or the world loses and Osborn wins."

With a peptalk like that who could resist. I love you spy girls, you get so bitchy with each other like lioness fighting over the alpha male. It turns me on... too bad Natasha Potts is not even remotely physically or emotionally attractive to anyone but Bucky these days.



Avengers Tower:

Osborn is working on the Iron Patro--gag--Iron Patriot. It's not going well I'd imagine by his repeated use of the word Dammit. Osborn has realized that his armor is inferior to Stark's because he's missing something. Well, duh. A brain? Oh wait... is it... charisma? No no... the point is your armor sucks Osborn and you're not a good Iron Man. So maybe you should just stop.

He does, briefly to check in with Masque in Russia. Who doesn't reply. Osborn seems worried. Maybe he likes them nutty and slutty too. Menace will not be pleased if you try to tap Whitney while she's carrying around your bebe.

He resigns himself to Whitney being fine and if she needs help she'll ask for it.


Speaking of Nutty sluts...

Back in Russia Whitney is still talking about how she and Tony are meant to be and for a brief moment in the middle panel you can see the disfigured face underneath the mask. Tony is so not down for any of this, and the Iron Potts is going to put its head on. Whitney says that Tony was never afraid to look at her because they are exactly alike. Tony looks disgusted maybe it's because she's insinuated he's ugly, or maybe it's because he's gotten another gander at the Ultimate Butherface (everything's hot but her face) or...oh I got it SHE'S TRYING TO PUT HER MASK ON HIS FACE!

Gross... think of all the disgusting cooties that are on that thing.

Whitney: "I'll show you just how much we're alike, Tony. We match, you and I."

Tony: "No--Whitney, don't-"

Whitney shushes him and puts the mask on his face, while the headless Iron Potts rummages around for the helmet head. Seriously, if this wasn't a tense moment in the comic it would be hilarious.

Whitney: "There, you're perfect now. Just like me."

Tony looks fucking ridiculous with that mask on his face. No joke. But it might be an improvement to the way Larroca has been drawing him.

Tony: "Whitney. You're ill. You need help. You--"

Whitney: "You are all I need, Tony. You're all I ever needed. Tony, I love--"

Tony: "Whitney? What?"

Damn Whitney is so insane. So while I sit here and hum Ben Folds "Bitch Went Nuts" the rest of the scene starts to make more sense. Seriously, Tony? Your taste in woman is seriously fucked up. IF you survive this (And if you heard about or went to the Dark Reign or Mondo Marvel Panels at SDCC, chances are he won't) you are like on a strict dating embargo until you learn how to not pick crazy women. Seriously, man. How many more of these can you take?!

Crazy Pants Madam Masque or CPMM, catches the reflection of the Iron Potts assembling itself in the mask. She then decides to start getting armed and dangerous again. Thankfully, she puts her mask back on and stops freaking everyone out with her butherface or at least freaking Tony out by making him wear it. How long do you think it's been since she washed that thing? She rambles about how many times can he break a girls heart and then says the best line in the issue:

Whitney: "If I can't have him, no one will you little ginger trollop--"

Seriously? Who the fuck says trollop anymore besides maybe Steve Rogers (who's not dead if you haven't read Reborn. He's in Time, lost in Time... whooohoo they have the Plot Train over there!)

CPMM shoots at Pepper and Tony tries to kick her down, which he does and the bullet misses Pepper and hits the Iron Potts in the 'where her nipple would be'. Pepper shouts at Tony that she's still got the-- but is cut off by CPMM screaming YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM at her. Though, no where did I ever see anything about Pepper wanting him in this entire issue. I mean sure, they've had some questionable moments of possible hanky panky but nothing really... substantiated other than a couple of smooches. Who doesn't smooch their boss now and then? I make out with mine--

Iron Potts gears up for action, defending Pepper from the bullets by shooting repulsors at them, an unfair advantage but who cares. Whitney has crazy on her side.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts. Solar Reserves at 6%. Please stand by."

Whitney's response is to kick Tony in the face, which, okay. And then she drags him up holding a gun to his chin. He's apparently stuffed himself full of cheeseburgers or something between panels because he's gotten immensely more obese in the face. Iron Potts is trying to untie Pepper at this point and this moment actually gets tense.

Whitney: "Dammit, Tony--Decide, right now. Me or her? live or die? Make up your mind. Me, Tony?"

Pepper addresses the Iron Potts and Whitney moves her gun to Tony's temple.

Pepper: "Don't--stop untying me--you don't have enough power to--"

Whitney: "If you choose me, I'll let her live. She'll walk out of here alive. But if you choose her--"

Tony: "Her. it's always been her."

Iron Potts shoots off the restraints on Pepper's wrists. Whitney turns the gun and shoots at a barrel of something, probably gas of some kind. judging from the way she threatens and the explosion that follows.

Whitney: "I hope you die. I hope we both die."

Pepper: "Don't--"

Explosion. Whitney gets blown away, Tony gets knocked back, and Iron Potts covers Pepper like every good armor should do. Nicely done, Iron Potts/JARVIS. For some reason, Tony yells for Whitney. Maybe he's yelling at Whitney... but since he's apparently restrained (I don't recall him being so before) he can't angrily shake his fist in the air.


Maria's in the shower when she starts having flashbacks to the Controller getting his disc in her neck. She starts panicking, freaking out. SHe screams no before tangling herself in the shower curtain and falling out of the shower, screaming. Natasha Potts bursts in to rescue her.

Maria: "No no no--"

Natasha: "HILL!"

Maria: "I'll kill you, I--"

Natasha: "Maria! Maria Hill! Maria, snap out of--"

I have to note that Natasha Potts looks a bit more like Scar Jo now, hm. Fuck that. Anyway, so Maria's on the floor wet and terrified as Natasha who no longer looks like Potts, bends down to help her. She ends up holding Maria who curls up a soaping scared dog in her lap. It's actually really touching and made me choke up a little. Poor Maria.

Maria: "I--oh--oh, no. Nat, I'm so sorry. I--He's in my head."

Natasha: "It's okay."

Maria: "I can't get him out of my head."

My Internal Mike Rowe comes back to narrate again!

Narration: She goes down with the help of a few pills and twenty-eight minutes of controlled breathing. All this mess, thinks the Black Widow. All this mess better be worth it.

Maria is asleep, with a bottle of pills beside her and this art is actually really pretty. Maria looks so delicate and so fragile and actually really beautiful in this panel as she sleeps and crazy dreams play in her head. At least, that's my best guess. Natasha watches Maria sleep before she starts to snoop around in the backpack Maria brought, taking a picture of the hard drive on what I guess is a blackberry of some kind and then sneaking out of the room.

Natasha narration: I can't believe she's--all this damage and drama over this. Doesn't look like any input ports I'm familiar with. Wonder what's on it. Proprietary Stark stuff, I bet. Still--I'd like to know just what exactly is causing me all this trouble. Aside from Maria Hill. Sleep tight, crazy lady. I'm gonna go see a guy about this drive of yours. try not to burn the house down while I'm gone.



Meanwhile in a burning inferno that used to be Tony's lab:

Pepper is crawling over to Tony, who's unconscious on the ground (and no longer tied up... make a choice and stick with your fucking continuity, jesus). The place around them is a blaze. Tony's down for the count which is just typical of him isn't it? She gets to him and cups his face in his hand, he has a head injury that's bleeding rather.. profusely from the drawing and he's barely managing to get his shit together. When Whitney attacks!

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, wake up--! Tony!"

Tony: "Peh. Pepper."

Pepper: "Tony, are you--"

Tony: "Pepper?"

Pepper: "Are you okay? Can you--?"

Tony: "She shot you?"

Pepper: "At me. It's okay. Rescue had a little bit of--"

Tony: "Rescue?"

Pepper: "My suit. It's what I named--"

Tony: "Right, right. Okay. Rescue."

Pepper: "She had a little reserve power and JARVIS was able to--"

CPMM comes out of no where and starts an epic battle royale with Pepper. Seriously, these two throw down while Tony lays there dazed from his head injury. Not to self: Head wound plus brain delete equals bad news bears. Pepper holds her own pretty well too, even as Whitney talks all crazy saying she doesn't love Tony like she does and all this other stuff. Pepper tells her to shut up and flips her onto her back. Pepper tackles MM and throws a punch, telling her to hold still. MM fires her guns and misses. That's when Iron Potts gets involved!

JARVIS: "Ms. Frost... I believe Ms. Potts gave you a direct order. Solar reserves at 3%"

Iron Potts pins Whitney to the wall, while Pepper crawls away to check on Tony. He says his head hurts, well duh, and she tells him not to move. He can't because of his head.

Whitney: "No-No no no you will not keep me from him. You will not--"

Pepper: "Tony...Tony.."

Tony: "We gotta get out of here. Get out of here. Run as far--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's not me--it's you."

Tony: "What?"

Pepper: "You have to go. Get in your suit and get out of here."

Tony: "Pepper, I'm not leaving you."

Pepper: "Tony, you couldn't leave me if you tried. But this--all of this--is going to be for nothing if she, or Osborn, get their hands on you."

Tony: "Pepper, I--"

Pepper: "Tony. Tony, you've been training me for this for a long time now, and I'm telling you--I'm ready. After all the times you've saved my life over the years... Tony, please: let me save yours."

Tony and Pepper kiss. Whitney screams she's going to kill them and Pepper helps Tony suit up to make his escape. Tony is so clearly out of it it almost hurts to watch. They say good by and Tony takes off leaving Pepper there to battle Madam Masque and the burning building. This is actually really sad, but some of the art is gorgeous. I said it. Larroca has gorgeous art. The Iron Potts runs out of reserves and MM kicks it down and out of her way. The final Panel is Whitney and Pepper running toward each other with an epic blaze behind them.

Epic. Kind of.


New York, Ludlow Street.

Natasha talks to an annoying kid who lets her in after some force to talk to an elderly asian man who apparently lives in a wall. I'm not sure where that is going but he identifies the drive as definitely Stark tech and if anything drops off a van to help her crack it, he'll let her know. He calls her white girl a lot and I think this is just a set up for something later. He dismisses her quickly to do some work.


Tony's flying out of Russia, berating himself.

Tony narration: I left her. I can't believe I--you left her. You coward. Coward. Never should've left her. Never should have--stop, Tony. Stop it. She'll be fine. She can take care of herself. I can't believe you left her.

Tony, talking to himself: "Uh lay, in--lay in a course uh, to--to--uh, lay in a course to--Afghanistan. Shut up. Stop thinking. We're going to Afghanistan."


Slowly losing more of his mind, Tony barely lives to fight another day and heads back to "where it all began."

So I know that Fraction picked up the book with the intent of making it more, "new fans from the movie friendly" which is fine with me, but like... can't I just ask thing...?

IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVIE FANS FRIENDLY WHY CAN'T HE BE PRETTY LIKE RDJ?!


Continued in Invincible Iron Man #17

Only 3 issues left.