Invincible Iron Man Issue #18

Previously on: Tony Stark: Of Mice and Men, Tony wrote an email to Maria that makes me cry every time, forgot Cap's dead and was shot down in Afghanistan. Maria and Natasha are in the hands of HAMMER, and is the Iron Potts with a supposedly dead Pepper and a soon to be murdered-for-failure Madame Masque...

This is a fun limbo contest.

Invincible Iron Man #18: Kids With Guns vs The Angel of Eternal Death and Other Bible Stories.

This first few pages just makes me hot thinking about it, and not in a positive life affirming way. In a, oh god I hate the sun like vampires do, sort of way. Tony wanders through the deserts of Afghanistan looking for Osama Bin Laden on his way to... well I'll let the narration tell you:

He knows this merciless thatch of land, this jagged snarl of rocks, as though it were the room he was born in. In a way it was. Here--in Afghanistan--Tony Stark is...

Tony narration: Home. Or at least the place where it all began. I don't even know the difference anymore. All I know is... I'll be safe here.

Not if those ominous kids with the missile launcher have anything to say about it. Don't you know, in GTA 4 if the guy walks away you take his ass down!

Tony finds his way to his lab, going inside and finding a big covered thing, that sort of looks phallic but who am I to complain? It is Tony Stark. But it's probably just that first old armor, why? Because that's where this entire arc has been leading and if you didn't see that coming, then you're probably not paying attention.

Tony narration: It'll be cool and dark and I bet I have water in here--this place is perfect. The place where I came in broken and bleeding and corrupted... and emerged REBORN! EVERYONE IS GETTING REBORN!! That's the only reason I capitalized it. Because Captain America REBORN can only be done as such. This is the place where I met Ho Yinsin, a pacifist engineer that looked at me and didn't see a drunk and bloody playboy... but somebody that might be worth something. At least worth dying for... where it all began turns out to be where it'll all end. Fair enough.

Yeah yeah, Fraction. We all saw the movie too.



New York City, Avengers Tower:

Maria and Natasha sit in separate cells, both pressed against the wall and communicating with each other in Morse code. This shit actually cracks me up. Maria taps out: Y O U. T H E R E. N A T. And the reply from Natasha Potts is: D R O P. D E A D. Natasha then gets up when she here's a sound and taps out an SOS to Maria. Ms. Hand of Justice and Not!Masque are walking down the hall discussing the new captives. Yeah, okay.

Hand: "...Natasha Romanova, aka The Black Widow, was running with her... a low-level sitch that moves gray and black-market hardware gave us the heads up. Sometimes it's the smallest things, the tiniest details. With regards to those on the, shall we say, sketchier side of the law. We make tremendous success. Director Osborn just has a way, I suppose."

Masque: "Indeed he does."

Could Hand of Justice sound more like a love sick puppy? I mean really?

Hand: "Anyway, that led to a follow on the Widow and she led us to Maria Hill. Ex-Head of SHIELD turned petty fugitive on the run with some ridiculous hard drive of Stark's... well? What do you think? Doesn't look capable of causing all the trouble, does she?"

Masque: "Oh, I don't know about that. Maria Hill looks like the kind of woman capable of raising all kinds of hell if she set her mind to it."

She stands face to mask with Maria and if that's not a pep-talk then I don't know what is. That is definitely NOT Whitney Frost behind that mask. Sorry kids.


Back in Afghanistan, Tony is working on his computer to get the Iron Man going. He's inner monologuing and there's some Frankensteinesque unveiling action going on. But mostly, he's just getting sadder and it almost hurts to watch. It hurts so good! His narration is interrupted by his own bitching and complaining about how can't really do what he needs to do.

Tony Narration:Typing has become miserable. Let alone still trying to write code when I can't spell anymore.

Tony: "Dammit--c'mon. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete."

Tony Narration: I've double checked, and triple checked--

Tony: "And I think the compiler is ready to run. Get the right switches and--here goes nothing."

Tony Narration: The power surges. The machines think. And then...

Tony: "It's alive."

He stands face to face with the armor, the first gray armor that famously made him Iron Man, helped him escape imprisonment and this would be a good moment, I suppose. If it hadn't been dragged out so long. I mean, I see why it had to go for a year but this close to the home stress and I just want to see some action.

Tony narration: And it's all I have left. The Iron Man Mark Zero. The walking lung that saved my life. I built it with Yinsen and a box of scraps right here in this cave. Took it back to the States and improved it some--onboard O.S., lenses, heating and cooling systems, rudimentary repulsor weapons--and it still looks like an insanely cheap old special effect. Now it's the only Iron Man simple enough for me to operate. Good lord. A repulsor battery powerful enough--buried in a machine simple enough--to take me to the end of the line. The end of my mind. The final swipe deletion of everything I know, or ever knew, like a zeroed-out hard drive, no data left for Osborn to retrieve. No more mistakes left for him to exploit.

He muses about how he can't believe the old Iron Man even moved let alone saved his life, but now it's the key to the end of it all. He goes about unhooking it and then drops all of the cables on himself before collapsing and cursing himself for being so stupid.

Tony: "Okay, plug it in--repulsors are up and generating a big signature. Big signature means I'll be traceable. Repulsors are traceable. Okay. Okay. So before I get in the suit I have to upload the whosits into the--the thing into--into the typing--I gotta run the thing I typed into the--"

From behind there's a gunshot, Tony jerks being hit in the neckish area by... say it with me... the kids with missile luncher. They also have hand guns. Kids with guns, eh? Well done Fraction. And it's also a Gorillaz reference. You're good at this.


HAMMER OVERCOMPENSATION, somewhere over the pacific ocean:

So Flunky Walsh, who's the guy who ratted out Stark... and if I remember right, from way back in the first issue of this arc, the guy who was so glad to see Maria and Tony leave... has found: say it with me, Tony's repulsor tech signal in Afghanistan. Awesome. This guy is really trying to make himself relevant. His superior sends him up to have a little chat with Norman about having found Stark, and Norman gives him a little schpeal about getting promoted because he found Hill and God high-fiving him because he now found Stark, and he's one of them. He drank the HAMMER kool-aid that tastes like baby blood and Aqua Velva. Walsh doesn't really seem pleased.

Osborn: "I'll talk to your section chief. Make sure you get your thirty pieces of silver or whatever?"

Walsh: "My what?"

Osborn: "A joke, Walsh. Walk with me." Judas. You idiot. He's calling you Judas."

Walsh: "I--uh--"

Osborn: "Walsh, c'mon. I don't ask, I order. Now come. You're my guy, Walsh. My lucky rabbit's foot. Everything that was lost is now found through you. The second Stark leaves Afghanistan, Walsh. The second he enters a country we can hunt him in without the Pentagon going all LAPD on me, you let me know the second he's out of the US theater of war. See, they won't let me near their battlefields. So I'll be in the suit and airborne. I'll come down on him like two tons of pain."

Walsh yes sirs and understood sirs until finally: "Sir, is--sir... do you have--I mean due process international law, all that. Do you have authorization to muh--to murd--to terminate Stark with that degree of prejudice?"

No, Walsh. He doesn't.

Osborn: "Tony Stark is half-dumb and on the run in the Middle-damn-East, Walsh. I'm Norman Osborn. That's all the authorization I need."

Sealed with a creepy wink...


Back in the Gorillaz Music Video:

Tony Narration: And I'm thinking--I've been shot. And I'm thinking--I got blood all over my notes. All this before I say the words:

Tony: "Who the hell are you?"

The two kids stand there with a pistol trained on him. They respond to him in Arabic which is annoying because I can't even begin to translate that.

Tony: "Don't--don't shoot me again--okay? I just--Urdu was never my strong suit... even before I wiped half my brain out and got shot in the neck..."

The kids continue to yell at him in Arabic and he types on his computer while placating them with a talk the hand gesture. The kids keep yelling until the armor starts to translate what's being said.

Kids: "Stop it, Tony Stark. Stop typing. Stop with your hands."

Tony: "Okay. You know who I am. You've got the gun and you're not afraid to use it. Now tell me what you want."

Kids: "You're Tony Stark. The great warlord. The eternal angel of death." There's the title. "The infidel architect of Hell itself. Make me great. Make me a great man of war like you."

Tony is not pleased with this. He looks surprised by their words, and almost a little hurt. Clinging to his neck, he looks at the looming Iron Man in front of him before setting his jaw in determination and turning back to the kids with guns.

Tony: "I bet you won't even need the translation for this--"

He grabs the gun still in the kid's hands, pulling it under his chin and looking at them face to face.

Tony: "No. Now kill me or get the hell out of my workshop."


On the Helicarrier:

This needs no real introduction...

Osborn: "Tony Stark. No, no. Draw it out. Enjoy it. Tony Starrrrrk. Hnn. Again. Tonnny... Stark. Anthony... Stark. Stark. Yeah... try simple. Try... Tony Stark. Well well well. Tony Starrrrk. Starrrrrrk. Yes. Of course. Just say it like you mean it, Norman. Tony Stark. I'm going to kill you."

While Osborn is talking to himself like a cliche villain, Walsh is checking for Tony's signal to see when he leaves Afghanistan.


Back there, Tony glares the kids down and they don't make a move after his ultimatum.

Tony: "You're an idiot."

He takes the gun from the kid, punches him in the face and then trains it on the other one. He point it right at the kid's forehead as the kid backs up, terrified.

Tony: "Run."

He then proceeds to release the amo and toss the gun aside.

Tony: "The eternal angel of death forgives you."

He turns back to his work.

Tony: "Dammit. Bled on my stuff."

Your priorities are bigger than that right now, Stark! You're nearly brain deleted, you've been shot and you're worried about blood on your stuff? God, you're vain.

He gets suited up in the old armor and says to himself that this is it. The last mile. He blasts his way out of his lab.

Tony narration: I am Iron Man. And seven hours from Doomsday. Now I just hop I can get to Dubai and die quietly before Osborn can sic the whole of the Western hemisphere down on me...

Walsh is sitting at his terminal. He sees that Tony is on the move and prays that Ms. Hand of Justice isn't sitting at her terminal right now. He's hoping to God that he doesn't have to finish his decent into being Judas because he's misses SHIELD, remember? And he probably doesn't want to be "that guy" when Osborn inevitably loses his grip on the world. You know Walsh, you're kind of like a Nazi. When it all ends, you can tell the world you were just following orders...

See how that works out for you.


Meanwhile, Hand of Justice is not at her terminal, she's staring out the window longing for an out. At least, that's what I would be if I was Norman Osborn's personal assistant with a pseudo-punk red streak in my hair...

Off page HAMMER Flunky: "Ms. Hand? Before we destroy the find, we need your order to do it. Director Osborn has ordered all exo-mechanical suits to be--"

Hand: "Do it."

Off Page HAMMER Flunky: "When we sifted the wreckage of the Stark lab in Russia, we came across this suit. It's an old Crimson Dynamo, we think. And--and it's making a sound, ma'am. From inside. We've scanned it for--for everything--bombs. Traps. Any kind of anything and... and we wanted you to be here to see what's inside. Whatever that may--"

They slice the armor open with a laser down the middle and pry it open to reveal a brunette woman sitting up from the smoking wreckage. Hand of Justice reacts the same way that everyone does to Whitney Frost's maskless face, with a little throw up in her mouth.

Whitney: "She took my mask! Stark's wench! Stark's wench took my mask--!"

Cue Not!Masque running down the hall. By a show of hands, who isn't surprised that Potts is the one behind the mask? Yep, that's everyone. So Not!Masque stops in front of Maria's room where she's sitting on the floor cross-legged and rather smug looking for a captive. Maybe she's getting some of her sane back.

Maria: "We finally gonna get shot, or what? I could kind of use the rest. Ever since SHIELD became HAMMER and I got fired I don't have any health care and I've been having these real bad dreams lately..."

Not!Masque: "Hill... shut up."

She takes off the Masque that also apparently has an attached wig, to reveal Pepper Potts. And there's a resounding silence of not being surprised. Though, I'm not surprised, I actually liked the fact that Pepper has her own set of balls now and could kick Whitney's crazy ass. Like I really do. Make her something other than Tony's assistant and sometimes love interest with a dead husband. She got a taste of Hero in the Order and she likes it. Go Pepper!... just stop making out with Tony. It kills your cred.

Maria: "Pepper Potts? Seriously? Tony Stark's secretary?"

Personal assistant. They are vaguely different.

Maria: "I honestly don't know who Osborn is going to kill first..."

Natasha: "Now that you've infiltrated Osborn's headquarters completely alone, do you have an exfiltration strategy or--"

First of all, it's not like Pepper doesn't know this place like the back of her hand since she only worked there. That and has worked for Tony most of their adult lives. But you know, lets not give credit where credit is due or anything like that.

Pepper: "Who said I came alone?"


In Osborn's hall of stolen armors, Iron Potts activates with JARVIS:

JARVIS: "JARVIS online. Solar power reserves at 10%. Rescue rebooting. Please stand by. Uploading virus into HAMMER mainframe. Virus uploaded. Virus unpacking."

Elsewhere, the Iron Patriot stands ready to leave, while I puke in my mouth at the site of it.

Osborn: "Something's wrong. Dammit, what just... Walsh, are you there? Where is Stark going? Walsh? Where the hell is he? I'm flying blind."

Walsh: "I, uh--Roger that, uh, Director Osborn, he--there's a thing--technical thing here and I can't--that is to say, uh, Tony Stark is--is--he's going toward Pakistan--going east, sir. I can manually lay in a course for you from here."

Walsh regrets his choice and buries his face in his hands.

Iron Patriot takes to the air, after Tony's trail.

Osborn: "At last. Tony Stark dies today."

One more issue kids....

See you October 21st.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #17

Previously on Tony Stark: ZOMG like the end of the world! Tony got his ass handed to him by Whitney and beat a hasty retreat to Afghanistan. Pepper stayed behind to battle Whitney and her fucking crazy self. Maria was still off her rocker and Natasha went to explore the contents of the harddrive, only to unintentionally rat herself out.

So this is where it gets better right?

Invincible Iron Man #17: Ashes and Snow

Still in goddamn Russia:

Fire and snow, hey, look there's the title. Madame Masque, bloody and disheveled pulls the Iron Potts armor through the snow. She stops when she finds her discarded communicator on the snow in front of her. Through this she connects with Osborn and has a conversation that lead me to believe that Fraction, trying to keep a secret (but not really succeeding) that Pepper is wearing Madame Masque's mask. And apparently has scalped her for it. Ew. Why would you put that on your head, unless of course you're sick and twisted, or in a Tarantino movie...

Masque: "Hello? Come in? It's Masque. it's Madame Masque."

Osborn: "Ms. Frost. Nice of you to return a call."

Masque: "I was busy."

Osborn: "Busy getting me good news, I hope."

Masque: "Win some. Lose some. Stark escaped. He had plans and traps in place and--"

Osborn: "And you failed."

Masque: "Yes but... but Potts is dead."

Osborn: "Really?"

Masque: "With my own hands, Norman, with my own hands."

Osborn: "Well, I'm thrilled, clearly, but she wasn't exactly a thorn in my paw."

Masque: "I'm not finished. Potts is dead and I recovered her suit."

Osborn lets out a weasel laugh heh, because he's a jerk, and he looks out the Venetian blinds in "his" office. Really? You're in a state of the art architectural and technological marvel of a building, built and designed by Tony Stark... and you're using Venetian blinds? Really?


Kazakhstan

I could make Borat jokes, but I won't because that's so three years ago.

Tony hitches a ride in the back of a pick up truck now with a nice growth of chinstrap beard and matching mustache... last time I checked you had to trim it to get that full effect so... there's something either wrong with the art or with the art direction. I really don't think a guy who shaved everything off was thinking, "Oh when it grows back and I'm barely able to write my name, I've gotta remember to trim". But then again, I'm no man.

So Tony's hitched a ride to a town where he finds an Internet public use hub. He goes to a terminal and proceeds to write the following email that played over the panels of this two pages and a half pages. When Tony is finished, he plays the knitting ladies behind the counter and leaves, hitchhikes through the snow again. The Email, is as follows, typed exactly as it is in the comic pages:

"To: maria.hill@shield.gov
From: calicomom63@gmail.com

Dear Maria,

I do not remember how this email thing works so I hope this works. I am in Kazikstan and trying to get to Afgahnistan. It is real cold but I'm trying my best to stay warm. Good news I can still read cyrillic. My spelling is not so great anymore but I still have chunks of langages in my head. I hid the suit and folowed the sund of signals until I foud internet in this little town. Madam Mask found me and Pepper in the lab here and we fought. It was bad. And I left her to fight her. I ran away and I feel reel bad about it but she was probably right. I know she will be ok but still. I am not used to that kind of behaver. Captain America would not leave a man behind would he? I feel I have to confess to cap when I see him again. I am writing to see how you are doing. I do not rumember what it was you are doing but I know it is reel important. It is harder and harder to remember some things like that. Maybe the more recent things I think. Maybe. I wish I cud study what was going on better. Anyway I feld gilty and wanted to make sure you were ok. I am off now I should leave before somebody finds me.

Stay safe Maria Hill. Stay alive.

Love, Tony."

So recap within the recap: WOOWOO, HERE COMES THE PLOT TRAIN: Tony is forgetting how to spell, and then remembering again, which is almost sadder than him completely forgetting. And he doesn't remember that Steve is dead. Good-bye, Plot train. It was nice seeing you again.

Tony gets set in his armor, setting a course for Afghanistan. With an estimated arrival time of nine hours and nine minutes, he decides to pass the time with the soothing sounds of Introduction to Electrical Engineering, audiobooks.

Imagine my awful Minnesotan accent when I say, Oh jeez.


New York:

Maria is asleep and awoken by the sound of her cellphone going off. Probably the alert of Tony's email. She tells it to shut up and then gets up, peeking out the door. She grabs a knife and goes into the other room, sneaking up behind Natasha, who's bent over the computer looking at the monitor screen. She reaches back and nails Maria in the throat with her elbow, then wanks her backwards and takes the knife from her hand.

Natasha: "Hill! Dammit! It's me, Natasha!"

Maria slumps against the fridge, holding her throat.

Natasha: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Maria: "Heard--heard someone--hhk didn't know--sorry--"

Natasha: "Who the hell else would it be, Hill? Hmm? At the meet tonight, if you hear a car honk somewhere, will you stab Captain America in the neck? Or pop me in the back of the head twice? Pull yourself together, Hill. This is it. This is for everything. You screw this up... and all of HAMMER will come down on us."

I really don't think that Maria could take Captain America, at least not enough to get near his neck with a knife. Now, if she'd pop you in the back of the head twice, I wouldn't mind it so much. Stop kicking Maria while she's down, man. You were so tender with her last month, what's your fucking deal? Maybe she read the Maria/Natasha fanfic that has inevitably been written...


SHIELDHAMMER Helicarrier:

Osborn greets Dmitri in Russian and unfortunately I don't speak Russian and I don't have Russian characters on my keyboard so we just have to guess it was some fake polite greeting since its Osborn and the last time they spoke, Dmitri displeased him. We all know what happens when Osborn is displeased...

He cranks some Limp Bizkit and pouts while he breaks things.

Osborn: "This is a courtesy, Colonel, informing you that HAMMER has critical business on Russian soil. As I'm sure you've been notified, we're already in Russian airspace and expect to have boots on the ground in--Ms. Hand?"

They expect to have boots on the ground in Ms. Hand of Justice? That's inappropriate, even for you Norman...

Ms. Hand: "Seven minutes."

Osborn: "Seven minutes."

Dmitri: "How dare you! This is an act of aggression against the Russian people and--and--and--on whose authority do you--under what orders--"

Osborn: "Colonel, we have immediate and actionable intelligence suggesting that a Chechnyan splinter cell is about to purchase fissionable materials from a disgruntled ex-Soviet militia group. You let me clean up my mess, and I'll tell you where and how to clean up yours. Go stop an A-bomb, Colonel. Save a couple million people. Be a hero. All I want is Stark."

Dmitri swears in Russian and Osborn goes on about how he's going to go ahead on in and clean things up, then leave nice and quiet like they'd never been there, before ending the conversation. He almost hits Ms. Hand of Justice in the face as he stretches and fake yawns, and I wonder why she puts up with this crap. The sex must be really great. He then tells her to fabricate some people for Dmitri to arrest.

As for Colonel Bukharin, he sits alone in his dark room, wherever that is, pouring two shots of vodka. One for himself, and one for the absent Tony Stark. This part, choked me up.

Dmitri: "Ahh, Tony. I am sorry, my old friend. So so sorry. Long may you run, Tony Stark. Za vas!"

He raises his glass to toast him.

The helicarrier shows up and scoops up Madame Masque and the Iron Potts.


Meanwhile in the bowls of the helicarrier, some stupid flunky ass from Data Mining in SHIELDHAMMER finds the signal from Tony's email. It's enough to rise suspicion with thirty-eight key word hits and the address of zero send history, that and it was sent to Maria Hill. The other guy, Jonesy, tells him to take it to Hand of Justice, and he does, but not before he laments about missing SHIELD. We all miss SHIELD, fucknuts.

He takes it to Ms Hand of Justice who... has the strangest office ever. Like, it's huge with nearly nothing in it. She's got a lamp in the far corner. A couch against the wall, A desk in the middle and a file cabinet hutch thing behind it. One picture on the wall. Her desk has nothing on it but a computer and a desk light. Ms. Hand of Justice is a very very lonely woman, I imagine.

So he relays the information to Hand of Justice, who talks to him like a dominatrix, telling him to speak or leave and when he can go. Why does she have that dumb red streak in her hair? She looks tarded. It's not fun or funky, it's just... sad. So the guy leaves and runs into another flunky who asks if Hand sent him packing to Antarctica, implying that he seems down. He replies:

Flunky: "I think I just ratted out Tony Stark."

And now he feels like a jerk. Well he should. DIAF.


Iron Man is flying through the sky.

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

Tony is asleep in the armor, and it's almost adorable because you know it's just not because he's half retarded in that armor. Poor, sleepy, special Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you hadn't done it to yourself. You're really going to be in a world of hurt when those kids with that missile launcher go all GTA 4 on your ass and shoot you out of the sky in 3, 2, 1..

This completes volume one of Introduction to Electrical Engineering. We hope you enjoyed it and learned a lot!

This completes vol--

The warning systems in the armor wake up Tony but not soon enough for him to get out of the way. The missile hits him, he goes down like a friend of Dick Cheney's and crashes in the desert rock below. He escapes the armor, mostly unscathed by emergency evac and then climbs out before collapsing to his knees beside the broken shell of armor. I can't tell if he's covered in oil or blood or both.

Now, I do feel bad for Tony.


New York City:

Maria and Natasha both dressed in black widow outfits (and perpetuating Tony Stark's inner fantasies... if he still has any...) are staking out the meet location on top of a roof.

Maria: "Looks okay."

Natasha: "It looks completely and totally devoid of any human activity at all. Which looks a little suspicious to me. When Cap comes he'll have his own route, his own system. His own surveillance. If he thinks we've been rumbled, he'll take off."

Maria: "Right."

Natasha Potts is making Bucky a lot more epic than he actually is I think. She's treating this whole situation like he's God or the President or something, and that's simply not the case. We get it, every one's in hiding and Norman Osborn wants to smite you with the power of... Ares... so you gotta be low key about this, but really? Natasha Potts has delusions of grandeur about her boyfriend.

And I'm not even going to get into the logic here, because clearly Maria isn't gunning to turn you guys in for not registering and she's coming to you on order from Tony who clearly has... fuck it.

Natasha: "So all we can do is cover our own bases, right? Sweep he location and, if any thing's off, we bail, right?"

Maria: "Yeah."

Natasha: "Can you keep it together?"

Maria: "I can keep it together. It's not the job I don't know how to do anymore."

Natasha: "We're about to win, Hill. And then we'll get you back."

Natasha Potts tenderly strokes Maria's cheek and it is here I decide that they have the most bipolar relationship in the world. Weren't you just ripping her a new one a few pages ago? You know what, forget it. I fucking hate you Natasha Potts. Enjoy being ScarJo.

Maria and Black Widow flip around on roof tops and then Natasha goes ahead leaving Maria on look out. Maria sees what they don't want to have. HAMMER is waiting for them, she sees a hand sticking out of a door.

Maria: "Oh no. No no no--please, no--"

The HAMMER guys inside the van are listening in to what she's saying.

HAMMER Flunky: "She goes, "oh no, no no no, please no." That's it--all stations, Hill has made us--go go go."

Natasha Potts get held at gun point by the bad guys, but she's more concerned about well, Maria. Maria watches.

Natasha: "Hill. Hey! I'm over here! I'm over here!"

Maria: "Nat, I'm so, so sorry--"

Maria gets caught by a group of HAMMER guys who also take her. The HAMMER guys are ready to shoot Natasha Potts, but are told to hold fire so they just haul her in with them. From another rooftop, Captain America watches this shit go down. You only see him as a faceless shadow before he's gone. Well, Bucky, you've been very helpful. Or maybe it isn't Bucky... maybe it's Steve. Bwahahahaha... oh, that's only in my dreams.


Back at Norman Osborn's over-compensation for his tiny penis, known as the Helicarrier:

Osborn: "Kind of a good news-bad news thing, eh? Way it goes, I suppose. I just--walk me through this one time--because I just don't understand how Tony Stark could've gotten away. What with your...history...I'd assume he was your first priority."

Masque: "There was fighting. And there were explosions. And then fire. It was confusing and... I did my best. My feelings about Tony--about Stark--never played into it. There was a third party involved and--and there were complications. I failed. I killed Potts and recovered her suit but that wasn't my mission. I failed."

And you are not convincing me that you're Madame Masque, by any means. You're not convincing Osborn either because he's sneaking up from behind the way all good creeper rapist bad guys do. He's getting in position to choke her as she turns away.

Masque: "He can't have gotten far."

Osborn: "I know."

Masque: "He's losing... he's losing intelligence. You can see it. Sense it in him. He's not all there anymore."

Osborn: "So you spoke with him then."

Masque: "I... yes, briefly."

Osborn: "But you didn't capture him."

Masque: "No. There were--"

Osborn: "Complications. You said a third party. Or whatever your excuse was... It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does."

And as Osborn comes in for the kill, Ms. Hand of Justice busts into the scene. Saved by the useless assistant!

Hand: "Director Osborn!"

Osborn: "You forget how to knock, Ms. Hand, or--?"

Hand: "Norman, shut up for one second please--we just caught Maria Hill."

Wait... so they are fucking, or are we supposed to believe that she can just tell Norman Osborn to shut up? So she is his Potts then? But with fucking. Got it.


Down in the Hall of Armor, two flunky morons mess with the Iron Potts, and make your mom jokes. Well that's an annoying end.


Two more issues.

Just a little FYI

Just so y'all know, I'm working wedneday till close so I won't get the recap up until Thursday afternoon!

It will be done, just delayed.

Thanks.

invincible Iron Man Issue #16

When last we left TONY FUCKING STARK GETS PWNED: Tony was exactly that, pwned. He and Pepper were at the mercy of the always crazy Whitney Frost aka Madam Masque. So that's fun. Masque also ditched her connection with Osborn, and Maria finally convinced Natasha Potts to help her... even though Natasha Potts is still convinced Maria is crazy...

If you think Maria's Crazy, go to Russia and talk to Whitney... sheesh.

Invincible Iron Man #16: Titan of the Nuclear Age

Russian Federation
Kirensk:

We open on the bunker that Tony and Pepper were hanging in - remember from last issue when Tony was playing lumberjack? Well the big hole in its side is from Madam Masque busting in, then down the hall way to where Whitney is still straddled over Tony's lap while he tries not to puke as she takes off her mask. Pepper is still half passed out in the corner from the beating she took. The art is... looking better...ish.

Whitney: "So pay attention: When I look in the mirror I want to scream. I see waste and horror. And I suspect I see something monstrous on the outside that matches something monstrous within. I see the ruins of a little girl you played like a fiddle and threw away. Look at what I used to be and tell me what you think, Tony my love. Now that you can't like anymore, tell me that you don't see the exact same thing."

Panel of Pepper looking so annoyed she's about to retch. Me too, Potts. This girl has got some shit twisted doesn't she? As I recall, Tony just sort of accidently killed her dad... who never really stayed dead... but like, her dad was a bad guy so... whatever. The point is, Whitney has some serious issues.

Tony: "Whitney. You're mentally ill." The nuttier the sluttier, that's what I've been saying all along. Tony likes his women a straight jacket away from a padded cell . "You are very seriously mentally ill. Your father raised you to be a criminal mastermind. There are no other words for it. He made you in his own awful image." Does that sound familiar? Without the criminal part... hey, Tony... when are your daddy issues going to come up? "You survived a plane crash and were horribly disfigured." For those who tuned in late. "And your father, capable of doing so much with technology, preferred to find new ways to commit crimes rather than heal you. You're emotionally unstable and fueled by guilt and rage and paranoia. careening from one awful decision to the next looking for..."

This ends todays therapy session with Dr. Tony Stark: Psycho-babbling his way through one relationship to the next!

Tony continues as Whitney removes her mask completely and looks down at him pinned on the ground.

Tony: "I don't know, absolution maybe? And in spite of your--accident--in spite of your condition... I loved you. We were killing each other, but I loved you."

Whitney: "Oh Tony. Tony, I knew it. I always knew it." Then why are we even in this situation? Wasn't that the point of this? For him to prove it... but you already knew so...

Pepper agrees, this is completely overkill as Whitney continues to babble on about how she loves Tony and Tony says nothing. Pepper says it's torture and you know what? I agree with her and I'm pretty sure Tony does too, lying there on his back like a helpless caged animal. It makes me think of Tiny Toons with that little Elmyra Duff girl who was always torturing animals with her "love" but really she was destroying their windpipes when she hugged them. Yeah. That's Whitney Frost all right.

She continues to drone on about how she's sort of seeing someone but it's cool because they could run away together and could be like love fugitives or something stupid like that, as the Iron Potts comes to life. Pepper's looking at Tony first, who has this look on his face like "get her the fuck off me... anything is better than this... sex with Namor is better than this!" as the armor is getting ready. Tony, you make a good distraction for the crazy lady so just go with it, alright? Now that the Iron Potts is getting in gear and ready, Pepper looks determined in her annoyance.

Whitney: "Two lovers on the run from the world determined to crush them. C'mon Tony-- that sounds absolutely amazing. You and me against the world."

Vomit.


New York, Garment District:

Make it work!

MARIA HAS A SNUGGIE (or a Slanket for you in Europe)! No... it's just a sheet, god how I wish it was a Snuggie. Nothing spices up a good story like a Snuggie around a fugitive. She could be warm and run from Osborn! Well, except that her ass would be hanging out... details details... just imagine that? No way anyone would believe she's not crazy... not only has she lost enough self respect to wear a Snuggie, but that's... all she's wearing. So much potential there, Crazy Maria.

Wait, hold up--Maria's in her not!Snuggie and Natasha Potts is decked out in her leather Black Widow digs... what do you think happened here? Bow chica bow wow.

Jokes aside, Maria's not answering her phone.

Natasha Potts: "You gonna get that, Hill?"

Maria: "No. I haven't--It's mine, y'know? mine. Anybody calling it or whatever are people I know from...from the outside. From my real life. 82 Voice mail. A couple hundred emails. And I don't have a single damn thing to say. He was in my head. He was inside of me. All my life, everything I ever fought for, everything I ever did--The Controller just stuck a thing on the back of my neck and took it all away. What the hell could I possibly say to Aunt Rosemary about that? 'Hi Aunt Rosemary, I know what it's like to be dead..'"

Natasha Potts is like ... and in a way I have to feel really bad for Maria here. She's hunched over the kitchen table, wrapped in a blanket and basically lost. No on really stops to think that she was just as fucked as Stark because no one wanted to care. Well, I care and she is in a bad way. She got completely screwed and the people who should help her probably won't. And I think Natasha Potts is kind of noticing that too, even if she won't admit it. Or maybe the compassion on her face is just because she's drawn too much like Pepper.

Natasha Potts: "You really know how to inspire confidence in your fellow fugitives, Hill."

Okay, maybe not. She's just drawn too much like Potts.

Maria: "The hell is that supposed to mean? You don't know what I went what I went through back there."

She gets up from the table and starts losing her shit on Natasha, and I think well within her rights here. Go Maria. I'm totally on your side here. Natasha's just bitter because Scar Jo is playing her in Iron Man 2 and more than likely any following movies with Natasha in them.

Natasha Potts: "You're right. I don't. You've not been able to coherently explain your--"

Maria: "Hey! Don't judge me! Recovery doesn't have a timetable, Natasha!"

Natasha Potts: "That's too bad because I'd love to recover my I.D. that you blew and put us both on the run--"

Maria: "He was in my head! I got beat! And then everything was riding on me and I can't shake him off--"

Natasha: "Okay, Hill-- this is the deal and I'm not debating it. I will not endanger Captain America--Bucky--one whit. Time is at a premium and you're shattered. We don't have the time to put you back together again gently. We're going to go through with the rendezvous tonight as though you still were the most gifted agent of your generation. Because you were once and, somewhere in here, I know you still are. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust you to be you. The second you blow it, I'm dust and you hang. Pull it together, Hill, or the world loses and Osborn wins."

With a peptalk like that who could resist. I love you spy girls, you get so bitchy with each other like lioness fighting over the alpha male. It turns me on... too bad Natasha Potts is not even remotely physically or emotionally attractive to anyone but Bucky these days.



Avengers Tower:

Osborn is working on the Iron Patro--gag--Iron Patriot. It's not going well I'd imagine by his repeated use of the word Dammit. Osborn has realized that his armor is inferior to Stark's because he's missing something. Well, duh. A brain? Oh wait... is it... charisma? No no... the point is your armor sucks Osborn and you're not a good Iron Man. So maybe you should just stop.

He does, briefly to check in with Masque in Russia. Who doesn't reply. Osborn seems worried. Maybe he likes them nutty and slutty too. Menace will not be pleased if you try to tap Whitney while she's carrying around your bebe.

He resigns himself to Whitney being fine and if she needs help she'll ask for it.


Speaking of Nutty sluts...

Back in Russia Whitney is still talking about how she and Tony are meant to be and for a brief moment in the middle panel you can see the disfigured face underneath the mask. Tony is so not down for any of this, and the Iron Potts is going to put its head on. Whitney says that Tony was never afraid to look at her because they are exactly alike. Tony looks disgusted maybe it's because she's insinuated he's ugly, or maybe it's because he's gotten another gander at the Ultimate Butherface (everything's hot but her face) or...oh I got it SHE'S TRYING TO PUT HER MASK ON HIS FACE!

Gross... think of all the disgusting cooties that are on that thing.

Whitney: "I'll show you just how much we're alike, Tony. We match, you and I."

Tony: "No--Whitney, don't-"

Whitney shushes him and puts the mask on his face, while the headless Iron Potts rummages around for the helmet head. Seriously, if this wasn't a tense moment in the comic it would be hilarious.

Whitney: "There, you're perfect now. Just like me."

Tony looks fucking ridiculous with that mask on his face. No joke. But it might be an improvement to the way Larroca has been drawing him.

Tony: "Whitney. You're ill. You need help. You--"

Whitney: "You are all I need, Tony. You're all I ever needed. Tony, I love--"

Tony: "Whitney? What?"

Damn Whitney is so insane. So while I sit here and hum Ben Folds "Bitch Went Nuts" the rest of the scene starts to make more sense. Seriously, Tony? Your taste in woman is seriously fucked up. IF you survive this (And if you heard about or went to the Dark Reign or Mondo Marvel Panels at SDCC, chances are he won't) you are like on a strict dating embargo until you learn how to not pick crazy women. Seriously, man. How many more of these can you take?!

Crazy Pants Madam Masque or CPMM, catches the reflection of the Iron Potts assembling itself in the mask. She then decides to start getting armed and dangerous again. Thankfully, she puts her mask back on and stops freaking everyone out with her butherface or at least freaking Tony out by making him wear it. How long do you think it's been since she washed that thing? She rambles about how many times can he break a girls heart and then says the best line in the issue:

Whitney: "If I can't have him, no one will you little ginger trollop--"

Seriously? Who the fuck says trollop anymore besides maybe Steve Rogers (who's not dead if you haven't read Reborn. He's in Time, lost in Time... whooohoo they have the Plot Train over there!)

CPMM shoots at Pepper and Tony tries to kick her down, which he does and the bullet misses Pepper and hits the Iron Potts in the 'where her nipple would be'. Pepper shouts at Tony that she's still got the-- but is cut off by CPMM screaming YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM at her. Though, no where did I ever see anything about Pepper wanting him in this entire issue. I mean sure, they've had some questionable moments of possible hanky panky but nothing really... substantiated other than a couple of smooches. Who doesn't smooch their boss now and then? I make out with mine--

Iron Potts gears up for action, defending Pepper from the bullets by shooting repulsors at them, an unfair advantage but who cares. Whitney has crazy on her side.

JARVIS: "Ms. Potts. Solar Reserves at 6%. Please stand by."

Whitney's response is to kick Tony in the face, which, okay. And then she drags him up holding a gun to his chin. He's apparently stuffed himself full of cheeseburgers or something between panels because he's gotten immensely more obese in the face. Iron Potts is trying to untie Pepper at this point and this moment actually gets tense.

Whitney: "Dammit, Tony--Decide, right now. Me or her? live or die? Make up your mind. Me, Tony?"

Pepper addresses the Iron Potts and Whitney moves her gun to Tony's temple.

Pepper: "Don't--stop untying me--you don't have enough power to--"

Whitney: "If you choose me, I'll let her live. She'll walk out of here alive. But if you choose her--"

Tony: "Her. it's always been her."

Iron Potts shoots off the restraints on Pepper's wrists. Whitney turns the gun and shoots at a barrel of something, probably gas of some kind. judging from the way she threatens and the explosion that follows.

Whitney: "I hope you die. I hope we both die."

Pepper: "Don't--"

Explosion. Whitney gets blown away, Tony gets knocked back, and Iron Potts covers Pepper like every good armor should do. Nicely done, Iron Potts/JARVIS. For some reason, Tony yells for Whitney. Maybe he's yelling at Whitney... but since he's apparently restrained (I don't recall him being so before) he can't angrily shake his fist in the air.


Maria's in the shower when she starts having flashbacks to the Controller getting his disc in her neck. She starts panicking, freaking out. SHe screams no before tangling herself in the shower curtain and falling out of the shower, screaming. Natasha Potts bursts in to rescue her.

Maria: "No no no--"

Natasha: "HILL!"

Maria: "I'll kill you, I--"

Natasha: "Maria! Maria Hill! Maria, snap out of--"

I have to note that Natasha Potts looks a bit more like Scar Jo now, hm. Fuck that. Anyway, so Maria's on the floor wet and terrified as Natasha who no longer looks like Potts, bends down to help her. She ends up holding Maria who curls up a soaping scared dog in her lap. It's actually really touching and made me choke up a little. Poor Maria.

Maria: "I--oh--oh, no. Nat, I'm so sorry. I--He's in my head."

Natasha: "It's okay."

Maria: "I can't get him out of my head."

My Internal Mike Rowe comes back to narrate again!

Narration: She goes down with the help of a few pills and twenty-eight minutes of controlled breathing. All this mess, thinks the Black Widow. All this mess better be worth it.

Maria is asleep, with a bottle of pills beside her and this art is actually really pretty. Maria looks so delicate and so fragile and actually really beautiful in this panel as she sleeps and crazy dreams play in her head. At least, that's my best guess. Natasha watches Maria sleep before she starts to snoop around in the backpack Maria brought, taking a picture of the hard drive on what I guess is a blackberry of some kind and then sneaking out of the room.

Natasha narration: I can't believe she's--all this damage and drama over this. Doesn't look like any input ports I'm familiar with. Wonder what's on it. Proprietary Stark stuff, I bet. Still--I'd like to know just what exactly is causing me all this trouble. Aside from Maria Hill. Sleep tight, crazy lady. I'm gonna go see a guy about this drive of yours. try not to burn the house down while I'm gone.



Meanwhile in a burning inferno that used to be Tony's lab:

Pepper is crawling over to Tony, who's unconscious on the ground (and no longer tied up... make a choice and stick with your fucking continuity, jesus). The place around them is a blaze. Tony's down for the count which is just typical of him isn't it? She gets to him and cups his face in his hand, he has a head injury that's bleeding rather.. profusely from the drawing and he's barely managing to get his shit together. When Whitney attacks!

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, wake up--! Tony!"

Tony: "Peh. Pepper."

Pepper: "Tony, are you--"

Tony: "Pepper?"

Pepper: "Are you okay? Can you--?"

Tony: "She shot you?"

Pepper: "At me. It's okay. Rescue had a little bit of--"

Tony: "Rescue?"

Pepper: "My suit. It's what I named--"

Tony: "Right, right. Okay. Rescue."

Pepper: "She had a little reserve power and JARVIS was able to--"

CPMM comes out of no where and starts an epic battle royale with Pepper. Seriously, these two throw down while Tony lays there dazed from his head injury. Not to self: Head wound plus brain delete equals bad news bears. Pepper holds her own pretty well too, even as Whitney talks all crazy saying she doesn't love Tony like she does and all this other stuff. Pepper tells her to shut up and flips her onto her back. Pepper tackles MM and throws a punch, telling her to hold still. MM fires her guns and misses. That's when Iron Potts gets involved!

JARVIS: "Ms. Frost... I believe Ms. Potts gave you a direct order. Solar reserves at 3%"

Iron Potts pins Whitney to the wall, while Pepper crawls away to check on Tony. He says his head hurts, well duh, and she tells him not to move. He can't because of his head.

Whitney: "No-No no no you will not keep me from him. You will not--"

Pepper: "Tony...Tony.."

Tony: "We gotta get out of here. Get out of here. Run as far--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's not me--it's you."

Tony: "What?"

Pepper: "You have to go. Get in your suit and get out of here."

Tony: "Pepper, I'm not leaving you."

Pepper: "Tony, you couldn't leave me if you tried. But this--all of this--is going to be for nothing if she, or Osborn, get their hands on you."

Tony: "Pepper, I--"

Pepper: "Tony. Tony, you've been training me for this for a long time now, and I'm telling you--I'm ready. After all the times you've saved my life over the years... Tony, please: let me save yours."

Tony and Pepper kiss. Whitney screams she's going to kill them and Pepper helps Tony suit up to make his escape. Tony is so clearly out of it it almost hurts to watch. They say good by and Tony takes off leaving Pepper there to battle Madam Masque and the burning building. This is actually really sad, but some of the art is gorgeous. I said it. Larroca has gorgeous art. The Iron Potts runs out of reserves and MM kicks it down and out of her way. The final Panel is Whitney and Pepper running toward each other with an epic blaze behind them.

Epic. Kind of.


New York, Ludlow Street.

Natasha talks to an annoying kid who lets her in after some force to talk to an elderly asian man who apparently lives in a wall. I'm not sure where that is going but he identifies the drive as definitely Stark tech and if anything drops off a van to help her crack it, he'll let her know. He calls her white girl a lot and I think this is just a set up for something later. He dismisses her quickly to do some work.


Tony's flying out of Russia, berating himself.

Tony narration: I left her. I can't believe I--you left her. You coward. Coward. Never should've left her. Never should have--stop, Tony. Stop it. She'll be fine. She can take care of herself. I can't believe you left her.

Tony, talking to himself: "Uh lay, in--lay in a course uh, to--to--uh, lay in a course to--Afghanistan. Shut up. Stop thinking. We're going to Afghanistan."


Slowly losing more of his mind, Tony barely lives to fight another day and heads back to "where it all began."

So I know that Fraction picked up the book with the intent of making it more, "new fans from the movie friendly" which is fine with me, but like... can't I just ask thing...?

IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVIE FANS FRIENDLY WHY CAN'T HE BE PRETTY LIKE RDJ?!


Continued in Invincible Iron Man #17

Only 3 issues left.

Invincible Iron Man Issue #15

Last time in "Tony Stark Is So Fucked!" Tony met up with Dmitri the Crimson Dynamo and for his efforts received a loaner armor. Pepper found Tony but Tony nearly killed her. Madame Masque has them in her sights and was ready to pull the trigger. Maria found Natasha and Natasha was fucking out of there because she thinks Hill is crazypants. Oh the places you'll go...

Invincible Iron Man #15: The Danger We're All In


Russian Federation Kirensk

Pepper Potts is screaming her fucking face off because Tony is about ready to blow her ass to bits. She is not pleased. Tony finally realizes that oops, she is not the enemy and he probably shouldn't fire missiles into her face. Mostly, because that will get messy and he promised that he would return the Crimson Dynamo armor intact.

Pepper: "Tony! Tony, don't you dare! I've gone through way too much of your crap to die by you shooting me in the face in the middle of the damn Tundra!"

Ain't that the fucking truth. You could have a spin off comic based off the crap Pepper's had to deal with in her time working for Tony.

Tony: "Oh good lord--Pepper?!?"

Tony and Pepper are sitting in the snow, Tony took off his helmet and for some reason he resembles this guy I knew back in my swimming days named Brian Nagel. In fact, this is the first panel that foreshadows how Tony will look completely different from panel to panel in this issue, barely resembling the way he looked before. I thought he was deleting his brain, not morphing into a new person... is he getting extensive plastic surgery?

Pepper: "Thank God--"

Tony: "Pepper! Pepper, I'm so--the armor. Pep, I forgot about your armor--I'm sorry."

Pepper: "Shut up."

They share an armored hug in the middle of the snow, and it's kind of sweet if you don't think how uncomfortable that must be... to hug someone in the armor you're wearing. I doubt that either is really worried about comfort though, considering it's fucking snowing and it's the Tundra... but who am I to... forget I said anything about logic. There's an important Plot ahead. Here comes the Plot Train: woowooooo

Tony: "It's my mind, Pepper. I--"

Pepper: "It's okay."

Tony: "No, it's not okay. I forgot--I forgot I made it for you and--"

Pepper: "Tony, it's okay. It's--"

They kiss and there goes the Plot Train... until we meet again, keeping going up that hill. You think you can, I know you can, little Plot Train that could. I was fine with it when Pepper and Morphing Tony kissed the first time because it was a good-bye, end of the world, desperate kiss. I was fine with that because you know what? I would have done the same thing if I were either one of them. This situation is so not kosher. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! And Whitney Frost agrees as she hones in on them with her annoying self, and makes a huffing sound as if... she has some claim on Tony these days. Well, maybe in her own crazy head. The nuttier, the sluttier... right, Tony?

Whatever, so Pepper and Tony get up and talk about how ancient the Crimson Dynamo looks and then how they're going to the lab he built under the land where meteorite hit and all that as they walk hand and hand into the... white out. I was going to say sunset but you can't see the sun, just a hazy Russian winterscape... Madame Masque starts to target them more and decides Pepper will die before Tony. Probably so Tony can blame himself for something else.

New York, NY: Garment District

Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum bring the designers to--wait... oh I forgot, this isn't Project Runway, this is...never mind.

On the roof Natasha Potts or maybe Pepper Romanova decide to have words about how Maria is batshit crazypants. That's okay, I kind of like Batshit Crazy Maria. For the record, I hope Bethany Cabe doesn't enter this arc because then she'll look also like Pepper; all the red-heads in the Marvel Universe look exactly the same when Larroca traces draws them.

Maria is asking for help again and Natasha Potts keeps talking about how Maria is nuts and at this point this is all very boring. Natasha Potts accuses Maria of blowing Futurepharm just because it was Osborn's property and continues to call her nutty. Maria explains that she did it because of The Controller (who she doesn't name) and that she needs to find Bucky. Tony sent her for what's in her bag to give to Captain America and Osborn wants it. That sounds perfectly sane to me all things considered... if it was just some random guy on the street, I'd think he'd had too many puffs off the happy stick.

Natasha Potts, with her lopsided boobs, is not convinced. She thinks Maria looks sick and she's not making much sense. Maria, of course, knows she makes perfect sense and she's completely serious and needs help so painting a black widow was the best way to get attention. Natasha Potts calls her an idiot and tells her to basically fuck off because even if she is still a good guy, it's too dangerous to hand over Bucky to have coffee. Well, that's not what she was asking but... Natasha Potts jumps off the rough and tells Maria to seek help. Well, bye.


Back in Russia, Pepper is asleep and wakes up in bed...naked...

Pepper: "Mm. Tony? I fell asleep."

She sits up and looks around to find Tony sitting on a couch in this giant basement lab. He's nothing but a blurry "Beginning to draw: People!" form sitting there on the sofa. It's kind of an atrocity to see this. He appears to be writing something in a notebook, if you squint hard you can see it.

Tony: "You were exhausted. I thought it was best to--to--uh...yeah. Gimme one second."

Ouch. That's just painful.

Pepper comes and stands behind Tony, why did he put her to bed naked? That's just weird and sort of creepy Tony. Kind of like in Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart rescues Kim Novak from San Francisco Bay and then puts her to bed naked in his apartment. Like, it was totally because you were soaked not because I wanted to oggle your goodies, strange lady. I mean, I guess Pepper and Tony know each other-- so he's writing something and Pepper's looking over his shoulder to see what he's doing.

Tony: "Just, ahh--I'm leaving myself notes. Y'know for later." Like in Memento? Nicely done.

Pepper: "You've kept the secrets of the whole world in your head, and now you're jotting them down on Post-Its? Sloppy."

Tony: "These are hardly secrets. More like... like 'here's how to use a screw driver.'"

This panel makes Tony look like a weird skeleton man and it's probably the worst art I've seen in this arc so far. Worse than Fat Mexican Tony, worse than Josh Holloway traced Tony, worse then even Brian Nagel Tony from a couple pages back. It's like suddenly, for this one panel all of the shape and structure from his face was drained away. Seriously, it's hideous and I don't even think it's Tony except that he's wearing welding goggles on his head.

Pepper: "Is it... is it really that bad? Will it really get that bad?"

Tony continues to look at Pepper but this is the same fucking panel as the one just above Pepper talking, where Tony's all ghost face on everyone... but without the word bubble. Seriously, Larroca? Too busy tracing to give us one extra panel of a different look! Exact. Same. Panel.

Tony Stark will have a meltdown in three, two, one...

Tony: "It's all happening now. Chunks of stuff just...go. I can't remember any of third grade." I can't either Tony, third grade was really not that important especially when you're a genius pushing another decade older (I'm guessing based on some more recent stuff, Tony's about 38 or 39). "I can't remember the names of any particular cars. They're all just...'cars'. I have thirty-three cars all over the world but I can't remember a single name of a single one but I know I have thirty-three. I feel like I'm losing my super-powers, Pepper. I didn't remember I made you that suit until you spoke."

Poor Tony. I'd feel bad for you if you weren't doing this to yourself. You chose to do this and so therefore, while your breakdown kind of hurts my soul a bit, ultimately you're the one to blame. But it's still sad, watching him fall apart. Yet... aslo delicious because I'm sick and morbid that way. Um.. for some reason Pepper looks more chesty when she's naked then she has be--wait! Doesn't she have an arc reactor in her chest? No trace of that right now, whatsoever. Bad, Larroca. Bad, editors for letting that little fuck up slip.

But, tangent aside, Tony's still having a break down:

Tony: "It's like... okay. It's like guys--guys in my line of work--the Iron Man line of work, I mean, not the Stark stuff--there's always guys "losing their powers". There's a ray, or a spell, or an accident... it's a thing that happens, okay? And I'd always think--me, just being the guy in the suit he made in a cave somewhere--I'd always think--Oh no! Now you're just a normal person and isn't that the worst thing in the world. You're just like the rest of us now. I'm just like everybody else now, Pepper. I'm just... normal. And I hate being normal. I'm sorry, I be that sounded really awful and mean and condescending."

Tony leans forward and he's really just spent. It's hard having emotions again, isn't it Tony? It's hard knowing that you've failed... wait, when did I become anti Tony? I'm a Tony fan... but I just... well, I saw this one coming. I really did. And now, I kind of do feel bad for him. He's losing his super-power indeed and he didn't really... do anything to deserve it besides become too powerful. He wasn't really abusing that power so he doesn't really deserve this... so yes, now it is kind of sad.

Pepper: "We're all kind of used to it by now. It's okay."

They lean in to kiss again, I vomit on the page and flip it fast because STOP IT!!! Tony pulls her away and cups her face in his hands. He's connected to his auto-lobotomy suicide machine while all this goes on, by the way. My favorite part is the Crimson Dynamo sitting upright on the side of the couch behind him like a giant body pillow or something.

Pepper: "Tony, while I can still say it--and while you can still understand it--while it still means something--thank you."

Tony: "Hey--"

Pepper breaks down into tears and the two of them are still sitting there together. He still has her face cupped in his hands and he starts to wipe away her tears as she continues to talk to him about what she needs to say. I actually, kind of choke up during this part and... just to prepare you now... I broke down into tears coming up here soon. You were warned.

Pepper: "No, Tony, you--in spite of everything else--everything else--the highs and lows and all the rest--thank you. Thank you. For everything you ever did for Rhodey, and me, and Happy..."

Tony: "Hey. It's okay. It's okay..."

They sit together on the couch with Tony's head sort of resting on Pepper's shoulder while he's plugged into the auto-lobotomy suicide machine. There's silence and then as they pull away like this is a movie and about to fade to black, Tony and Pepper just shadows through a window... Tony asks:

Tony: "Who's Happy?"

Give me a few minutes while I finish sobbing and then I'll continue on with the recap...

Madame Masque prowls the tundra after Tony, calling him stupid and asking if he did this for love, to no one but her , and ignores Osborn trying to get her attention via her earpiece. She leaves the earpiece in the snow and keeps walking.


Now that I'm composed, we're back in New York where Maria is chasing Natasha Potts up a water tower and Natasha Potts is not amused anymore. In fact, she's a little confused and perturbed. She looks back at Maria who's gaining on her and well, she's nothing but persistent.

Natasha: "You gotta be kidding me--never were one for giving up, were you? Give up now, Maria. I said no and I meant it."

Maria doesn't listen. She keeps pursuing, which you know is either good or bad for her, I have yet to decide. A bolt of something fires at Maria and she loses her grip. I think Natasha Potts was jumping back down at Maria but it's not really clear but at this point Maria then tackles Natasha Potts and they go sailing through the air.

Maria: "Dammit, Nat--this is serious!"

They tumble to the streets below. Maria lands flat on a scafolding of some kind and Natasha Potts on a van, while some old lady calls HAMMER to alert them to costumed Al Qaeda super-terrorists committing suicide on her roof. LOL! Maria starts to get up while NP looks sore and irked by the fall.

Maria: "Stuh--Stop running and--and help me, dammit!"

Natasha Potts chooses instead to run, again. Why not just stop and talk to her longer than just run away, I mean I know you think she's bat-shit (believe me I'm with you) but seriously? Hear the woman out. You've always been such a bitch Natasha...Potts.

Natasha: "Maria! Take a hint."

HAMMER flying squirrels. Seriously these guys are dressed in costumes with gliders and they look like green flying squirrels. That's... dumb. Whatever, moving on. They're after Maria because, well obviously. Apparently they're the rapid response squad.

Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I like to pick wildflowers. On Wednesday I go shopping and hang around in bars!

Tony Stark: Beefcake with Wood. Not that kind of... well I'm sure he's got that kind. Instead, he's chopping wood in the wilderness of the tundra with a stupid flap hat and he's only missing the flannel. I don't know if I'm disturbed or turned on but I'm definitely amused. Poor Tony, you don't have people to get your fire wood for you anymore.

Narration: It wouldn't be the worst of lives, would it? Chopping wood. Mowing lawns. Paying bills. Catching colds. Just... being. These are the thoughts Tony thinks. This is the first he's ever thought a normal life could or would be anything but torture.

Tony takes the pile of wood back to the underground lab where... oh snap, someone's broken in. Well, done Tony. You've lead a bad guy right up into your shit. He goes inside calling Pepper's name as he goes, leaving the wood behind and losing his hat somewhere along the way. Inside, he finds Madame Masque with Pepper hooked up to... is that a car battery and some jumper cables? (BUT I'M NOT COVERED IN MOTOR OIL!) Oh look, she's go her arc reactor back... weird. Maybe it's removable... oh wait, IT KEEPS HER ALIVE!

Anyway, Whitney has Pepper's arc reactor hooked up to the jumper cables.

Whitney: "Tony. Hiiiiii baby. Don't you think it's time to stop this ridiculous charade?" You are not sexy.


Maria keeps chasing Natasha Potts. Okay, over it. Just... one of you needs to stop being an annoying butthead for five seconds. Seriously, a conversation would help instead of... never mind. I forgot I was reading Marvel Comics for a minute. Rational talk is non-existent or we'd have avoided the whole Civil War .

Maria: "Not gonna stop, Nat--I'm not giving--up."

Natasha Potts can apparently fly and bounds up the walls Spider-Man style toward another roof, leaving Maria to watch her go and become ambushed by the SHAMMER flunkies. (Get it, SHAMMER, because they're a sham? Ha! I crack me up). They inform Maria she is under arrest and Maria looks back up at Natasha Potts for help. This is some srs bsns.

Maria: "Shoot the bag! Don't waste anymore time just shoot the damn bag! I know you can still hear me just SHOOT IT!"

Natasha Potts peers down at her like "fucking what?" because she's still confused and convinced Maria is talking crazy talk.

SHAMMER Flunky: "Calm down, ma'am."

Maria: "Shoot the damn bag! Destroy it before they--"

SHAMMER Flunky 2: "Sir, look--! Up there--the other one--"

Natasha: "--Dammit--"

She shoots rope from her wrist brace, and lassos a very perplexed Maria before hauling her up to the roof with her bag o' tricks. Maria is clearly confused by Natasha Potts and her sudden change of heart, but she's not going to let it distract her from her task yet.

Maria: "I didn't--didn't think you trusted--"

Natasha Potts grabs her hand and they head off running, adding her two cents.

Natasha: "You clearly have an awful lot invested in that bag of yours. And you might be nuts but what can I say--you're my kind of crazy."

Maria/Natasha fics, start.... NOW!



Back in Russia, our lumberjack hero and his crazy masked ex-girlfriend...

Tony: "Whitney. Take it easy."

Whitney has Pepper tied up and jumper cabled and Pepper looks a bit annoyed and sort of Asian now in this panel. Or like the oldest kid in A Series of Unfortunate Events. But with red hair. And an arc reactor in her chest. Details.

Whitney: "I assure you, Tony--I'm not the one you need to worry about right now. I read your notes, darling. This one blacked out pretty early so I had some time. Memory decay, congnitive decay... you're losing your mind somehow, aren't you, Tony? Do you remember me, I wonder?"

Tony: How could I forget your crazy ass? "Whitney Frost. Madame Masque. Of course I remember you. Please--let Pepper go. I'll do anything you ask, just--I couldn't live with myself if I got her hurt. Please let her go."

Pepper comes to at this point. Apparently she was unconscious but that was hard to tell from the last panel because well, if I was tied up, I'd hang my head too, and the panel before she looked Asian not blacked out. Whitney electrocutes her because well, she's torturing her. And she's a bitch.

Whitney: "No. I'm going to torture her to death. I'm going to torture her to death and make you watch for what you did to me." Not only are you redundant, you're also redundant.

Pepper: "Oh--God--Oh--god--"

Tony's freaking out because well, he doesn't want to watch this shit. And who does?

Whitney: "I'll make it look like an accident somehow, I don't know. Resisting... well, not resisting arrest but something. Osborn will buy it. He'll be relieved really."

Tony's watching as Whitney holds an open and active wire toward Pepper's head. Pepper is hovering on the edge of consciousness and looking at Tony.

Whitney: "And I know I'll feel better. Always awkward having to run into one's exes, don't you think?"

Tony drops to his knees because now he's going to resort to the manly and hero-like act of begging. Well, when all else fails, why not beg. I guess. But then again, he doesn't have many other options.

Tony: "Please. Whitney, please. If I meant anything to you--if our time together meant anything to you, Whitney, anything at all--and I know I hurt you and I know I was awful to you--please. Let her go. Take me instead."

Whitney kicks Tony down onto his back and places her foot down in the center of his chest, staring down at him rather unimpressed and unmoved by his begging. I'm kind of with her on this one. That was sort of cliché and pathetic, Tony.

Whitney: "Shut up. Seeing you snivel and beg doesn't exactly get a girl's motor revved up. "If our time together meant anything to you." Listen to yourself. You sound like a joke. You sound like the kind of banal cretins we used to mock as the sun came up on the azores and the champagne finally ran out." She bends over and straddles him, leaning in so they're only inches apart, face to face. Tony's like... oh crap. "Can you lie anymore? Does that withering bit of magnificence that used to be your mind retain that ability?"

She sits up and starts to untie her mask. Pepper looks confused and almost pretty for the first time in this entire arc, even with blood all over her face. And the look on Tony's as he sits below Whitney, now without her mask, he actually looks okay too. Maybe Larroca had someone else do this for him...or he traced something better.

Whitney: "I doubt you can. I dolt myself you never loved me. That you used me and I let myself be used by you. That you never thought I was beautiful. Tell you what, Tony my love, now you can prove me right. Look me in the eye--look at my true face--tell me what you see, Tony. For once in your life, tell me what you really see when you look at me. Tell me what you really think, prove to me you weren't just using me. And the truth will set you--or your dear Ms. Potts--free..."


Oh, snap. Well played, MM. Well played.


Continued next month in Invincible Iron Man #16

Invincible Iron Man Issue #14

When we last left Tony Stark World's Most Fucking Wanted, Yo: Tony was in France and took down the first in the list of lame rogues (Shockwave) and then collapsed into a puddle of his own blood. Pepper was given the third degree and ultimatums from Osborn, Maria got the harddrive and was legging the fuck out of Texas and Madame Masque was being released from The Hood flunkies to go out on her own to find Tony.

It can only go up from here right?

Invincible Iron Man #14: The Shape of the World These Days

Tony Stark is miraculously okay after we last saw him writhing in bloody pain on the floor of his shack apartment and back in the old school Iron Man . What the hell? Fine, you know what? I'm going to let this one slide and give Fraction the benefit of the doubt. Brain bleeds can totally be recovered from and are just signs of bigger issues. You get a pass for now... for now .

Tony narration: I keep moving. From point to point, place to place. Even I forget where, or why exactly for a second here and there... that's the one thought that hasn't left me yet.

Tony is flying over an icy landscape of mountainous landscape... well anyway, this can only be Russia. Arkhanglesk, Russia. Say that five times fast. Try it, really. I can wait.... As he flies it's over some hidden missiles that are ready to fire at will. Why? Because it's Russia. At this point another narration appears. That's right, the voice over narration. Why? Because Delete Brain is no longer a viable reliable narrator. Well, played Fraction.

Narration: The thoughts are flooding out of Tony Stark's head faster and faster these days, save for one. "Keep moving," he tells himself over and over again. Tony Stark's mantra. And so he keeps moving, even through places he shouldn't.

DON DON DOOOOOOOOON


Tony: "Uh Oh--" Spaghetti-Os!

Narration: The process of deleting his mind, one brain cell at a time, requires a power source only his repulsor-powered armors can provide him. Oh I get it. It's "For those who tuned in late" time. I see, I see. So, the winner takes home which fabulous prizes? With every wave of deletions, Stark loses a degree of complexity and sophistication to his mind. This has required the man to downgrade from simpler system to simpler system, tripping backwards down his own development history. And these simpler systems were made during simpler times.

Basically this is the summary Fraction gave Joe Quesada as Joe shoved his face full of cheeseburger and spilled ketchup on his greasy needs-to-be-washed XXXL Spider-Man t-shirt. It's the recap of what's going on for the slower readers who are sitting around going "So what's going on with Tony?"

As this all is being narrated Tony is having big state of the art Russian missiles fired at his ass. And his old suit is not quick enough to out run them or really shield him much from the blasts. This means of course, Tony Stark goes down without much effort from the missiles... not that... missiles have to use... effort.

Narration: They're all he can manage now. Unfortunately, the world has moved on.

Tony got pwned.

Narration: And as these hopelessly outdated machines try to keep him alive just a little longer, Tony Stark has to laugh. Because boy did he fuck up...He designed cutting-edge weapons for so long... that he managed to forget that the deadliest weapon of all was the one he was piloting. The Iron Man was always the most dangerous thing in Tony Stark's life. And one day it would be the death of him. Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Iron Man is in the snow, but thankfully in one piece. Well, we hope anyway. He moves to get up, comes face to face with the Crimson Dynamo. I always want to type that as Crymson Dynamo, but then I remember it's not piloted by a stripper named Brandi with an "I". So I refrain, or delete.

Tony: "Man that hurt. System? Hello?"

Systems rebooting

Tony: "Great. Take your time." Wasn't just shot up at missiles and on the run for me li--what was I talking about?

Incoming detected.

Tony: "What, agai--"

Crimson Dynamo: It's in brackets so that must mean it's Russian. "Wrong country, wrong suit. I don;t know who you are, comrade, and I don't care!" Oh clichés. "The Crimson Dynamo knows Iron Man and you-- brought down so easily--are no Iron Man."

Wow, Tony, you got told.

CD sort of descends onto Iron Man in sort of a... how shall I put this... looming over him in a Scary-in-the-1930s sort of movie way Eventually he picks up Iron Man and rips off his helmet, like he's a puny little creature.

Tony: "Dmitri--Dmitri, it's me--It's me, you damn bear--"

Dmitri: "I..Stark? Don't lie to me, friend--if you're not who you say you are--I'll tear more than your helmet off."

Tony: I shaved my head I shaved my head Dmitri don't kill me--I know I look different and I'm in the old armor and--don't tear my head off."

D'aww the way Tony looks at Crimson Dynamo would be adorable if it was drawn by someone who was halfway good at making people... look good. But instead we're stuck with a half-assed version of whatever look they were going for.

Dmitri: "Tony! I so sorry I fire missiles at you, old friend! I thought you were--well, you not looking like you look these days, da?"

...Is that a typo or just meant to be the strangest mangle of the English language in a comic book...

Crimson Dynamo at this point has Tony in a bear hug, which despite the bad art, makes me laugh because Tony, in his own armor, is all surprised and easily man-handled by Dmitri. At this point, I'm just happy Tony is getting a warm reception somewhere... even if it started off as missiles. But you know, what's a few missiles between friends?

Tony: "I'm in trouble, Dmitri. I need help."


Newark, NJ-- You'll never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy.

Penn Station Bus Terminal

Where you see a lot of buses. But one bus in particular is the focus of our attention. The one with the word bubble coming out of! Inside the bus is a man with a flashlight coming down the aisle and a lump of something blonde in a seat. No, it's not Steve. We've got another month at least before he shows up, sorry kids. Maybe next issue.

He shines the light and it's a woman wearing sunglasses with blond hair curled up in a jacket. It's Maria, we see as she lurches forward and pulls the blonde wig off a bit as she does so.

Bus guy: "Hey, everybody off the bus! That means you too. HEY! It's just a bus, lady, it ain't a motel. I said HEY!"

I bet that line gets all the girls. Poorly spoken english and all. He picks up chicks with those great lines and, "Wanna see my bus?"

Maria narration: How not to ever, ever, wake me up.

Maria: "I head you." Chode.

She lunches forward, the wig coming off her head as she does, at poor Bus Guy who just couldn't get a better job because he didn't go to college. He doesn't need her shit, man. Well, maybe a little. He did shine a light in her face and she is not having a good day... or good... year. So, I can see both sides really.

Maria: "Who sent you? WHO?!?"

Busy Guy: "Guh--Greyhound?"

Dahahahahaha, oh Fraction, my sides.

Maria seems satisfied with that answer or at least over bus guy, because she gets the hell out of dodge with bus guy yelling for the cops and security. Maria sort of shuffles along until the bus guy says that he needs security to stop because she tried to kill him. Well, I think... if you really want to split hairs about this, she didn't so much try to kill you as she did threaten you, a misdemeanor at best. I mean, there's the active attempt on your life and all that she could have done but... forget it.

Moving on.

The cops yell at her to halt but she doesn't listen and they sort of pursue her in their fat cliché cop sort of way with a Benny Hill theme back track of Yakkity Sax.

More of the narrator. I imagine, James Earl Jones or maybe Morgan Freeman... Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs... mmm...

Narration: Maria Hill trained to be a soldier and a spy her entire life. How to evade detection and escape danger. And if the best place in the world to hide a book is in a library... then the best place to hide a person is in the biggest city in the country...

Newark...?


Holland Tunnel:

Pepper narration: I hate breaking the rules.

Pepper and the doctor dude who did her surgery from like the beginning of the Fraction run are sitting inside of a van in traffic. Um. I don't remember this guy's name so I'm just going to go with my usual pattern and call him "Doctor Guy" rather than go back to the issues and look him up. He's not that important of a character at this moment, but if he does show up again with something viable, I'll find his name as he has been proven worthy.

This stuff isn't really plot important so this is the gist of it: Pepper wanted to make sure that the wear and tear she'd been doing to herself wasn't messing up her implant or causing her body any unneeded problems because she's going to disappear for awhile. During this conversation, Doctor Guy makes it clear that he is not living by Osborn's laws and still helps the former Stark employees even though they're all without health care aid now. Also, apparently a lot of Tony's old employees have gone "free-lance", I'm not sure what this means exactly. So it might come back later. There chat is interrupted by Jarvis giving the call for her to go off on another rescue mission. In fact, we get a little more narration after Doctor Guy asks her if "Rescue" is what she's calling herself these days:

It is now, thinks Pepper Potts. It is now, thinks Rescue. I like Iron Potts better. So, Iron Potts I'm still going to call her.


In Soviet Russian, Iron Man armor pilots you!

Dmitri: "It's like flying coffin."

Tony: "It is now, yeah."

The Iron Man armor is lying fully assembled on a work table as Tony and Dmitri (who sports the most amazing handlebar twirly Snidely Whiplash mustache I have seen since 1932!) glance over a map on a floating screen in what I assume is Dmitri's equivalent to Tony Stark's workshop. The next couple of pages are completely my jam and I'm not going to lie to you, I think I'm becoming a Tony/Dmitri shipper. Like, secretly...

Dmitri: "Is old, too substandard."

Tony: "Now."

Dmitri: "Like a MI-24."

Tony: "NOW."

Dmitri: "Like a--"

Tony: "Okay, Dmitri, Okay. It's old, it got the hell beat out of it in the Skrull invasion and now thanks to you it's completely useless and very broken."

This pissing contest is totally amusing because you know that Dmitri is razzing him because he can, and because it's totally cheesing Tony off that he isn't ahead of the curve anymore.

Dmitri: "What about you, Stark? You have seen better days, no? I still see news."

Tony: "I've got a lot of data stored in my head and a lot of very bad people want to get their hands on it. So I started this... I'm deleteing it all. Hooking myself up to repulsor generators hidden around the world a little at a time because it needs an insane amount of power to--"

Dmitri now has the most golden line in the entire book. I love him like a fat kid loves cake... you have no damn idea.

Dmitri: "Why not jump into volcano? Entire brain vaporized in instant."

Seriously. I love him. Because it's clear that the logic Tony has presented to him on this subject is not striking a chord. Dmitri, that would make... let's count here... Pepper, Maria, Henry, Rhodey and now Dmitri... five? Five friends of Tony's who all think that this idea is really not the best. In fact, I'd venture to guess that Dmitri, like the four people before him presented with the same said plan, is thinking: "Tony, you're such an idiot for a genuis."

There's a moment where Tony turns to him, the whole time Dmitri has been looking at Tony from behind and getting a gander at the plugs for his auto-lobotomy suicide machine, and has this moment of contemplation. Like he's actually sitting there and considering the possibility of jumping into a fucking volcano. But then he waves it off, leaving Dmitri to sort of hmph and he has this expression of "really?" sort of annoyance, but he's more angry because his Russian and it's Larroca.

Tony: "Not that bad yet. Here. I need to get here. Once Stark opened facilities in St. Pete's and Kiev, I put a workshop here. Kirensk. Can you get me there?"

Dmitri: "Is long way. Do not think so stupid. How will move from one to next?"

Tony: "Heh."

Oh Tony, you're plotting something aren't you. Why yes you are! In the next panel we have Dmitri suiting Tony up in the Crimson Dynamo! Who didn't see that one coming by show of collective headdesks? Nah, I think it's cool that he's switching tech for a bit. At least he's smart enough to do that in Russia. Crimson Dynamo... that man's a national treasure.

Dmitri: "And you sure you up to this journey?"

Tony: "Sure. I'm sure."

Dmitri: "You sure you capable?"

Tony: "I've noticed decay in ultrahigh multi-processing and some long-term memory. My reflexes have slowed but are still at acceptable levels. I'll be fine. Your suit will be fine." Pay attention to that because it comes back later.

Dmitri: "Controls in Russian. In-helmet graphical-user interface in Russian."

More brackets, this next part in Russian. (Oh, see what I did there? I wrote like Dmitri talks!)

Tony: "I understood you when you were beating the crap out of me and screaming in Russian. I should be okay."

Dmitri: "Okay is the last word and the last way I choose to describe you at this precise and discreet moment in time, my friend."

Dmitri puts the helmet on Tony and Tony is ready to rock and roll for Mother Russia, too bad he can't drink any vodka these days.

Tony: "Be nice. I could always fly your suit into a volcano."

But not in Russia, ass.

Tony takes flight over Russia with a military escort for part of the way and friendly skies for his trip. He's successfully convinced people he's the real deal.

Narration: His Russian's not as rusty as he feared and he's able to bluff his way through radio contact with any visitors he encounters. He's amazed they even try talking first and don't just open fire. This is what it used to be like. They used to be heroes. They used to be welcome sights in the skies. They didn't have to hide.

Tony... do you seem to recall the little Civil War? Who's fault is it that you all have to hide? Actually, I'm an avid member of the Stark was Right crew- I just like to add insult to injury. But yes, I see the point since... well, yeah.


Berkley, Massachusetts: I hate the way that word is spelled.

Iron Potts flies off from a rescue mission in saving a blown up grain silo. It's another job well done. Between you and me, I think Pepper is eating this up with a spoon. I think she likes playing hero in the field instead of behind a desk with a weird headpiece and a necklace. But that's just me.

Pepper: "That went pretty well."

JARVIS: "I'd say so, yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Who knew grain silos could explode?"

JARVIS: "I did."

Pepper: "Of course you did."

Like Laurel and Hardy, these two. Seriously can we have a spin off called Iron Potts filled with the snarky misadventures of Pepper and her sarcastic interface? Please?

Pepper: "Now tell me what you picked up in Russia? Repuslors?"

JARVIS: "Yes Ma'am--Kirensk."

Pepper: "Is there anything interesting I need to know about Kirensk?"

Basically, this. In 1908 the Tunguska Event occurred and is still the largest impact event on earth in modern times; Tony was so interested in this that after the Cold War he bought a big amount of land there and expanded in Russia, which we already knew based on him having SI operations in St. Petersburg and Kiev. So that's the important information that JARVIS has imparted to us as Pepper flies off toward where? Well where else kids?

Pepper: "Tony's in Russia."

Pepper Potts, you are so good at this game. Seriously.

JARVIS: "Yes ma'am."

Pepper: "Then let's go to Russia."

JARVIS: "Miss Potts, I'd be remiss in not reminding you that doing so violates the terms of your release as were agreed to by yourself and Norman Osborn. And I do know you hate breaking rules."

Pepper: "Have you ever met the real Jarvis? The actual living Avengers-butler-Jarvis? You really are stunningly like the man."

JARVIS: "No, ma'am. I suspect it would be rather odd."


BOOM! Knocked it out of the park! You could have ended the issue there and I would have been satisfied, Fraction. If Dmitri was the winner of the gold with his volcano line, then JARVIS barely lost with the silver thanks to this whole exchange. And this people, is why despite it's shortcomings, I will continue to read and enjoy this arc and defend Fractions writing. Thank you, that is all.

But alas, no issue is completely without the Norman Osborn Hissy Fit of JUSTICE!

HAMMER flunkies in inform Osborn that Pepper has left airspace and is either heading to China or Russia. So in other words, if she lands in either place... good luck finding her, dick. Obsorn insists it's Russia and has Hand of Justice make a call to the appropriate authorities to handle his little problem. And who could those appropriate authorities be? Well, it's Colonel (which is really an annoying word. Where's the R?) Dmitri Bukharin. Hmmm. Well isn't that dandy for you Osborn.

Osborn laments pseudo-diplomatically to the Colonel about how Tony is a very bad man with a lot of information Tony could misuse for mass destruction. He also talks about Pepper being Iron Potts and how she's not headed in his direction and it would be just swell if Dmitri would let HAMMER into Russian airspace so they could take Potts in and maybe even Stark should fortune smile upon them. And he's just ultra sleazy about it too.

Dmtiri comes in with another gold medal worthy set of lines that are as follows:

Dmitri: "Nyet. No, no thank you. In fact, I think I go out of my way for Miss Potts. Enjoy more of Russia that way, yes? You might have fool some people of United States into thinking your way correct way or that you have earned trusted--but not me. Go to hell. And don't call back."

Cue Norman Osborn's bitch fit. He screams how dare you like he's something special and tosses his computer off the desk, and also breaks the glass surface of his desk and Hand of Justice stands back looking shocked, but mostly just glad it didn't hit her. He then stares out the window like an emo kid during a rain storm and huffs. He turns, in one of his menacing loser ways and says:

Osborn: "Gonna need new stuff."



New York City,
Garment district-- Hey we're going to be on Project Runway!

A nice apartment with nice things and... wait, that red head... isn't Pepper en route to Russia? I mean what the heck is she doing there and talking on the phone about Maria Hill to someone we've... is this all just a crazy dream sequence and Maria Hill is gone bat shit vigilante and Tony and Pepper have to save--

Wait... it's Natasha Romanova Okay, so this issues is just brimming with Russians. FOR THE MOTHER LAND! It's sad that Larroca makes all women look exactly the same.

Natasha: "She what? She what? No, of course, I'm sure she did something, just--Maria Hill tends toward keeping it wired tight, you know what I mean? To just go off the reservation like that--She's coming here? Why? Okay, okay. No--No, thank you for the heads up. Old spies like us have to watch out for each other these days, yeah? Yeah okay."

Natasha narration (it's black and red, clever): Maria Hill? No way Maria Hill's cracked.

Narration: Natasha Romanova can't shake the feeling what if? In her line of work good people crack all the time. Could it have happened to Hill? The shape of the world these days is strange and sad at best. Maybe Maria Hill--

Natasha goes outside of her plush little digs to see a bunch of neighbors gawking at the door. She turns to see a big black widow painted on the door. Oh, I get it because she's the... haha. That's a good one, Fraction. The neighbors insinuate that Spider-Man must behind the mystery tagging, because he's so into that. Maybe he's gone emo again and he's dancing in jazz clubs to make Mary Jane like so jealous. Oh, Spider-Man 3...

Natasha is pretty sure it wasn't Spidey.

Narration: There's a song in her head now but she doesn't know it yet: just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

Natasha looks up to see Maria Hill on the roof with a bucket of paint, her hands covered in black paint and waving.



Russian Federation Airspace:

Pepper is cruising along in the Iron Potts and she is pissed. She wants a shower like no body's business. They can't find Tony but JARVIS is certain he's there because someone is using repulsor tech who isn't them. Pepper wonders if maybe he's hiding when she gets nailed with a shot from behind from what else but... repulsor tech. She turns to see Crimson Dynamo.

Tony: "Who sent you?"

Pepper: "Tony--"

She repulsors him back... wait, isn't Pepper not a weapon? Whatever, I'm not even going to bother trying because I'm sure it's one of her plane saving force-field things. Tony is apparently more effected by her blow though than she was his.

Pepper: "Slow down--it is Tony, right? Right JARVIS?"

Jarvis: "I am working to confirm."

Tony: "Who sent you? Why won't Osborn do his dirty work himself?"

Pepper flies into Tony and wraps her arms around his torso, taking him down, I assume to stop chicken fighting in the air.

Pepper: "It's me, you jerk--"

My theory here is that Tony either doesn't remember Pepper or doesn't remember making the armor. He said he was losing his long-term memory so we'll see which one it ends up being. My angst meter is going more toward the Pepper. They hit the snowy hillside, mountain thingy and she pins him down. Tony appears to still be struggling and Pepper yanks off her helmet. Tony lies there unresponsive, probably seizing again or something. Judging from the situation and Pepper's facial expression, something is likely wrong with Tony.

Pepper: "Tony! Anthony Edward Stark! Tony, it's me! ...Tony?"


Osborn's cronies are trying to build his new Ikea desk but none of them can read Swedish or whatever. Hand of Justice is looking concerned or a bit un-amused and still slightly horrified. Osborn is on the phone with Madam Masque, who is lying in the snow looking through a sniper rifle. Well, that's nice.

Osborn: "Madame Masque! I was wondering when you'd grace me with your...."

Masque: "He's in Russia. Kirensk."

Osborn: "How do you know?"

Masque: "Because I'm watching him right now."

The final panel has Pepper in the cross-hairs looking concerned, Tony's armor beneath her just barely visible.

Masque: "He's about to murder the last friend he has on earth."


Well...


To be continued in Invincible Iron Man #15

Quick Note

Just a brief update for anyone who watches this without the monthly link to the recap:

In the next few months there's going to be some extra tidbits from the Marvel Universe involving Iron Man. June and July have the regular issues coming out the 17th and the 1st respectively. In August however a little for all ages series comes out called Iron man and the Armor Wars in addition to the regular Invincible Iron Man issue and then the launch issue of Models, Inc. involves Iron Man fighting bad guys with Tim Gunn, who some of you may know for his catchphrase "Make it work" on Project Runway.

Would followers of Iron Man also like these to be recapped and posted here, because I'm happy to do so. Let me know.

-Kelsy